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What do I do about mom thinking that her doctor and my sister conspired to put her in the nursing home? Is this just part of the dementia?

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when the person has the illness of Alzheimers/Dementia even in the begining, they go after the people who are taken care of them for some reason. I don't know. One time when mom was in a theorpy for faling and had a broken hip, all she did was she at the theorpy was I am going to kill you you are tyring to destroy mt life makeing me do these excerise. It was good in a way becasue I stood at the end of the walkway and said to her ok mom come to me . And she wlak into my arms and forget what she had said. Another time in a other hosptial see refused to do her theorpy, the theorpist came out to the game room and told me she needed me. I advised her give me five minutes and I will have her doing her program. Well once again I sat down and explain mom if you want to get better you need to work with the staff, and explain I was going to have to leave and go home, well she did the workout with no problems. Sometimes you need to talk sweet and there are other times you have to be calm and say it in a simple quiet way and get the issue over to them. At the end of moms life I was her back bone. I got her to talk to me color at times, sing songs. They will talk about you and talk to people who do not care at all. This part was extremely hard on me because I live in Florida and she was still in New York. I moved her down here in 2007 and she did change. You can never promise any thing you can say something to quiet them down or change the subject matter. It is hard. There are so many people out there trying therre best to keep there loved ones safe. But we sometimes feel we are bringing our selves down . PEACE BE WITH YOU AND YOUR SISTER> I know what you are going through. patrica61
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I learned that lesson long ago, never promise anything to mom. She seems to be calmed down now, but both my sister and I were very upset, she was trying to discredit both me and my sister in front of the church members that came to visit her. I think probably some of this is trying to get back at us, my sister has custody now and had to go to court to get it, which was extremely hard on both me and my sister.
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My mother is feeling this way also. I calmly and lovingly talk to her about her health and that she is in the nursing home so we can take better care of her. I keep the conversation simple and I never offer promises that if she gets better she can go home. To me it seems mean to offer a promise that can't be met or kept.
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Dear Imw. try several more things go together to visit mom, bring her a nice card may be a stuff animal they love things like that. You can also get the paperback book called ( THE 36-HOUR DAY book ) It is a family guide to caring for person with Alzheimer/Dementia) I my self had read over six times myself. It help me out through some tough times with my own mom when she first came down with the illness. Not everyone what to except that there parent has this illness. It is hard on all. Some people act different. the behavior that comes out there are no words to discribe it. Your mom is not the some perrson you once knew, don'y get mad at her. You re not in the middle , you do what is right for you and your mom. Your are the caregiver you care about your mom's well being. I had to leve my job to get things in order to bring mom to Florida, it was too much working and taking a flight to New york almost every other month. I was the durable power of attorney, cargiver legal rep. I had no one but my husband for support and also mom one brother who had lived in her two family home to help out. All her family members even my own brother did not care for over 20 years to even send a card or call, the neighbors or church people did nothing. Only when mom was going to be moved to Florida and I had to sell the house due to the nursing homes and New York State laws did my own brother and other uncle called and yelled and cursed me out. Even if it is hard for you to see mom try it, sometimes she may not even know who you are. My mom knew me until the end, no one else . My husband and her grandchldren ( my boys) she did not know. I was there almost 24/7 it hurt to see her forget things at times, but she knew me until her last days. She just passed holding on to my hand and her statue of the blessed mother plus her rossary beads. The attitude your mom shows towards your sister there may be a reason for it however you must try and work things out The illness does not get better with time Your visits do help even you think they are not. Speak to the get with a elderly lawyer. are you the power of attorney. I felt at times like going into a hole in goround and hinding from everyone. Hand in there we all have battles to fight, your mom is going to need someone who really cares and understands what is going on. The Alzheimers assocation has a 24/7 hot line it is a 1-800 number listed in the telephone book. Call at any time
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Dont' fell bad about your moms behavior it is part of the illness. There is a book called THE 36-HOUR DAY that deals with the family guide to caring for person with Alzheimer/Dementing illness, with memory loss. Your mom can not control how she acts or what you says. Your visits do help you may not think so now. My mom knew me until the end. I had her in a assisting living family like care in Florida. She did not know anyone at the end but myself. Her last day she knew who I was and passed away holding on to her statue of the blessed mother and roasary beads and my hand in the other. No dont feel bad about your self you are the caregiver who cares about mom. Speak to your family and tell them how you feel and also there may be someone at the nursing home that may be able to help you. Are you your moms power of attorney, you may have to speak to elder care attorney. The Alzheimers assocation has a 24/7 hot line to call,also try them. When my mom was in New York in a nursing home in New York the illness was not that bad But before that she did do sometings like leave the gas on, not pay bills NO ONE would help me out. I lived in Florida and was always flying to New York when ever the doctors or hospital called. My one uncle called me and watch over mom, he had lived up stairs in mom two family home. Howeverr he was not young himself and hadd his own medical problems. It was not until everyone found out that mom was coming to Florida to be near me and the house hadd to be sold that people called even my own brother. He never called mom or sent a card in 20 years. Mom came to live with me in 2007 however her illness was worse than I was told. However I did look in to many assisting living places in case I needed may be day care or extra help . The firedept of Tampa Florida had to be called on a emergency and was at my house four days after mom came to live with us. They informed me my mother condition was not good. I took mom to the one place we had gone back to five times, I fell in love with it, It was clean, family like good food and let the residents live with quality of life. It looked like a large family home from the south. You are doing everything right, but please don't stop your visit because of what mom may say to your sister. But if does damage to you own health take it easy. Make the visits regular but short. Bring someting she may like a stuff animal It helps them out. beleive me I know I was with mom 24/7 and some family members could not take it they came for 10 minutes and left . My mom was sick for almost 10 years, I try my best you see her as much as possible. even did sleep overs. When she saw me at night and then the next morning at breakfast it made her day complete. I just came back from New York from the funeral of mom. She is at peace now with my dad in the veterrnans cementary. Seek out help for yourself. Remember your health comes first then mom, I myself had to quit my own job in 2005 due to moms illness on my own. Being the Durable power of attorney I was in full charge and legal rep. I am trying to get back in the job market have passed some civil service test but I do not know if I can even pass a interview one on one. Hang in. You will receive a lot of good advice on this web page. hope your holiday season if at least peaceful. BLESS YOU . patrica61
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Thank you for your repsonse. I have already tried these techniques. I am not with mom 100% of the time anymore. I only visit her for maybe an hour or two every other day, usually usually for lunch. She was moved to a nursing home about three months ago. Only trouble is the only thing my sister wants to do is argue, she doesn't have the patience to sit down and try to understand mom's feelings. Anyway, this whole thing has backfired on me now, my sister is blaming me for mom's negative attitude toward her, suspects that I am the one making mom do these things and do things that make my sister upset. I am afraid my sister is going to take me away from visiting mom completely because of this. I try to get mother to not be argumentative with my sister and try to tell her she is in the nursing home because she needs more care, but mom continues to think it is a big conspiracy on the part of my sister. My sister does not even want to talk to mom now, because mom criticized my sister in front members that came to visit her. I am thinking about just disappearing from this whole place for a while, seems like I am getting caught in the middle on everything. Maybe I should just end it all now, I am nothing but a cleaning lady and laundry lady over at my sister's house. I really don't have any future at all, can't get a job, never be able to support myself, all I can do is live with my sister and try to keep her home clean enough so I can stand it, no one cleans up after themselves here.
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Don't take accusations personally, remember that your mother is not able to control her behavior. She may also be feeling diminished self-confidence and sense of identity.

Things you can try

* Do not argue--Try to respond to the underlying feelings that may be at the bottom of the statements/accusations/complaints that she makes.
* Attempt to distract her possible: music, exercise, activities, conversation with friends, etc.
* Try to maintain a familiar environment--Provide stability in care giving staff and consistency in routines.
* Increase lighting in the home, try full-spectrum light bulbs that simulate natural light, use night lights at night.
* Do not scold, ridicule, or lightly dismiss fears, suspicions, accusations, etc.
* Keep a diary--Behaviors may occur at particular times of the day or with particular people. Identifying such causes may help the care-giver make changes to overcome the difficulties.
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Mom's boyfriend who had dementia was always thinking people were conspiring against him, maybe part of this the only way she knows how to react after seeing him do it. He was always trying to call the police or the sheriff to try to get his property back and his car back after going into the nursing home. He was an elected official before he retired and he thought it was a big conspiracy on the part of his policitical enemies in town.

Anyway, mom does not trust my sister anymore, what is going to happen tommorow when my sister goes to visit and mom confronts her with this? I guess I just have to hang on tight until this all blows over.
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My mom comes up with a new conspiracy theory every week. This week, I've stolen all the crystal and my brother and I have split the money. Last week, we had thrown it out. Of course, it's all sitting in the china cabinet behind me. Paranoia/conspiracies is a huge issue with dementia patients.
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