Mom passed a month ago. I have hardly cried. What is wrong with me?

I started crying when I realized that my parents began to decline, two years ago. I used to cry every time I observed them getting more fragile and less capable of doing the things they used to do. They are still alive, but I feel in peace now. I guess I did the grief before. I feel peace because they are declining safely in my home and I finally accepted it as a part of life.

You are still healing from all the caregiving you have done, and possibly what may be needed in the future. Many previous posts have hit it on the nose... You started your grieving process when your mom started to decline. My mom is almost gone 22 months and my dad 16 months. Mom had dementia and dad had failure to thrive without her? The first things I felt were relief, gratitude it's over and the task of what's next... Their house, finances, etc... Then I had to figure out what's do with my time... I still am! I didn't
T even realize how much of my time was spent flying back/forth, on phones, taking care of things... And not just in the end, but in the years preceding (5 yrs) for me, their hospitalization, rehab, ALF, hospice. You are a wonderful child, did what you could or had to. Give yourself as much time as you need, and if you don't ever cry again for her, well, first I'd be surprised, but just know she would not want you to mourn her for ever, either. Grief I am learning is unique for everyone.n out of the blue it may hit you in a year or two... Enjoy your life now, it is your time, when you start healing you'll be surprised as what you will feel

I have cried more tears than I knew I had on this Parkinson's/dementia journey with my husband, but when my mom died unexpectedly in June, I just went into shutdown mode. She was 93 so it makes no sense that I felt betrayed but I'm numb to everything these days. Except the tears start flowing every time my husband gets closer to dying. Everyone grieves differently but I've been baffled at how few tears I've shed for my mother. I do miss her but that's about it.

I suspect you mourned her years ago when you lost her to dementia . I know from personal experience. I mourned my mother even though she's still living and now I just work in a robotic capacity to make her comfortable. I hate hearing myself say this but I will probably feel a sense of relief when God takes her . I already mourned my mom death.

I've commented on this in at least one other string. I can't recall ever shedding a tear after the death of any relatives or family, probably because nearly all of their deaths were expected. When my father died a few years ago it had been just a question of time until it happened (but almost a half-century earlier he was upset with me because I went to a band rehearsal the evening of the day his mother had died; this grandmother spoke only broken English and although she was a kind, wonderful woman, we really had no relationship much deeper than smiles and kisses). However, I'll have to admit I got teary-eyed about the deaths of my girlfriend's former sister-in-law and the latter's husband, who were nice, friendly couple who died too young.

When I mentioned my lack of emotion about deaths to someone many years ago, I was told the world needs people who have their wits together at such times so the necessary formalities and activities can be done while others are paralyzed by grieving.

I miss my father, particularly when I think of something I would like to tell him and then realize he isn't here. My mother is physically declining over time and has had what is probably vascular dementia for several years, so I know it's just a question of time.

Back about 6 or 7 years ago when my father and I were out grocery shopping, he matter-of-factly talked about what he and my mother would do if they became too feeble to stay at home and what investments would be left to my sister and me, and
I found it depressing because I felt he (always a very cool-headed individual, so this was not out of character) was as casual as a couple high schoolers talking about what colleges they might consider--I half-expected to find he had disappeared and then get back to the car and suddenly see a pile of stock certificates where he had been sitting.

Thank the good Lord he took her home that she is in a better place the shoes without pain without problems from the dimension.
You're a good daughter

see a grief counselor. cuz when the emotion hits, it will be unbearable.

I know just where you are. My mom was diagnosed with dementia this fall. She has fought everything I have tried to do for her. Her health is taking a turn for the worst now. I think we get so wound up just being in survival mode that we don't have time to grieve until later - or in other ways.

My dad died of lung cancer almost thirty years ago. I remember only feeling relief that the struggles were over. About six months later was when I was upset. I went to see my pastor and his comment was, You are right on time." He has seen it many times - especially with long- term illnesses. Do whatever you feel you need to do for you now. If you need to grieve more, it will come in its own time. If not, it is because you already have over the many years of slowly losing your mom. Peace.

Grief seems to work in different ways - especially with and without guilt. Most of us are used to grief with guilt. After also caring for my Mother with dementia for seven years, I felt many things. But mostly the sadness turned to joy at the memory of all that we had shared during those seven years right through to her passing. There was zero guilt and I believe this changed how I grieved. It was hard to gain some ambition back and get on with my life - I had given it up and yet strangely in doing so - found it.
The last two years have not been easy in claiming my life back, but in some fundamental way my life has changed and that love still exists and has power. It was for me a spiritual peak experience. I share this in case it resonates with your experience.

KDCM, you've already received so many wonderful responses, it seems redundant to add one.

I once read that, when a loved one has a terminal disease, we go through pre-grieving. You've had 7 years of pre-grieving, combined with unmitigated stress. If I were in your shoes, I would be emotionally exhausted; I wouldn't have enough energy left for active grieving.

Dementia is so cruel. We lose our loved ones by degrees. For me, it was hard to remember my "real" mother. Parts of her would come glimmering through from time-to-time, but she truly was changed.

We all grieve differently. It may be that, when you and your family have figured out who will be caring for for your in-laws, you will find your grief. No two people grieve in the same way. Even one person can grieve in different ways, at different times, in response to different deaths.

A social worker who was assigned to my mother's case when she was hospitalized for a systemic fungal infection warned me that, when we lose a loved one, we grieve, not just for the new death, but for every loved one we have lost before. Forewarned is forearmed. Because you are facing so many more terminal illnesses in your family, you may be hit by a great big wallop of grief. A wise friend told me that, when you lose a lot of loved ones in close succession, it's like what happens when you eat spaghetti. You twirl some strands on your fork, convinced that you will end up with a manageable mouthful. Before you know it, that fork is hidden inside a ball of pasta that you can't possible squeeze past your lips and teeth. I've had lots of twirled-spaghetti-style grieving. It helps to know that it's coming. It also helps to know that others have been through it, and we have survived.

Best of luck in working out your family's care-giving needs. Do try to go easy on yourself. You've had years of giving, and your relatives may view you as a forever-giver. You have my permission to stand your ground and set firm boundaries. Please view self-care as your #1 priority.

Your reactions are very normal especially with a long standing condition with dementia. You grieved in her decline with the disease and that was your grieving process along the way. You are still most likely in the numb stage then sadness and missing her will come. Be kind to yourself!

hmmm someone who has only described all the caregiving she has done for various people? No way are you a cold hearted person! You may be numb, but normal. You seem like a very caring and selfless person. There are no text book reactions, we are humans and so are you!

I think your reactions are normal for all that you have gone through. My dad is nearing the end of his dementia journey and almost e wry day I think this was his last birthday, this will be his last Christmas, will he live till spring. My grieving has started months ago.
I agree with the others that you have have a moment that triggers some grief. Time to take some time for yourself.
Sore for your loss.

My bedridden mother passed away Nov 18, 2017. She was almost 90. I was her live in sole caretaker. It was sometimes abusive and mostly difficult environment. But sometimes it was the joy and purpose of my life to take care of her. Frankly it makes me smile talking about her to people. I love remembering funny things and stories. I still live in the her home & daily visit the room she died in. I feel strange having time options. I also have to force myself to go outside. The crying comes when I feel people's genuine love and sympathy expressed towards me which I am not accustomed to other than from my husband & kids. Not accustomed to attention and it embarrasses me. My grief began a long time ago daily. I believe crying is an option. Its not required, guaranteed or mandatory for everyone. I did my best. Love kept me here and keeps me in memories. And just putting these thoughts in words has helped me. Heck, what was the question? Be Blessed everyone. Live and do your best without regret. Crying does not have to be tears of sadness. Crying can also be tears of peace for both you and your loved one. Its all ok.

When I was in Therapy my counselor told me "Don't should on yourself". Should is a bad word. As everyone else has said, you probably have been grieving for a long time. Also, everyone grieves in his or her own way, there is no right or wrong way to do it.
I lost a very dear friend in January this year. I was there helping his wife two days a week or more. I sat with him and held his hand as he died. When they moved him to the gurney I helped hold him. I thought I was handling it well. In August, I fell apart, I couldn't sleep, cried a lot. My daughter went with me to the doctor for meds to help me sleep. As she said to the doctor, holding it together when I had to, was what made me a good First Responder in my working life. I am ok now. He was only 57 and went inch by inch with Mesothelioma. Thinking about it, my oldest child just turned 54 yesterday. He was a wonderful friend and co-worker he was family.

Please be good to yourself. You probably grieved little by little as your mom went down that long road to the end of this life.

Your story could be mine. With so much care giving you lose some of you feelings. I loved my mom more than anything but with each day and watching her decline with dementia/alz by the time she passed (last year) I was so relieved for her (and me since I was main care giver even though she was in a facility). I took care of my in laws until their passing (not the same though with in laws although I was close with them), My mom who like I said passed last year, my sister who passed 5 years ago, our grown son who lives with us and his 2 young sons who are here 3 1/2 days a week and now my 95 year old dad who is doing pretty well although declining and not sure how much longer he can be on his own at his retirement facility (other side is AL). It's not that you don't have compassion or love but it's just that you are worn out from making decisions, traveling, and the giving of your time. It's hard and we all go through it. Don't beat yourself up. I have fond and loving memories of all the people that I have taken care of but I just don't cry that much anymore. I'm tired and worn out but I will soldier on. :)) This is definitely not the retirement life I had dreamed of 10 years ago. God Bless.....

I will just say I had a dysfunctional family and never had a real relationship with my father. He was a good man, but had no idea of how to be, or desire to be a good dad like you see on tv or in the movies. Oh, he did his duty and lived in the house and paid for our food and clothing, and he took us on trips - he wasn't bad, just disconnected. When he passed away I shed a few tears. I was sad I never had a loving father, and he didn't appreciate being a father at all. Why should I grieve, to put on a big show? RIP, his suffering was over, he did his best, that was all........My mother, the same. I was a reluctant angry caregiver going through absolute h*ll all alone during her long decline, and when she finally went into a nursing home, I was beside myself with joy....Now, when she died, I didn't grieve much, as she was 'dead to me' long before. She wasn't the same woman I had known all my life. but that doesn't mean I didn't care about her, or miss her, or think about her. I did, all of these things. We never had much of a relationship, and she was a cold, self-absorbed twit all her life, again, why should I grieve just because I'm 'supposed to'? I shed a few tears when she died, but RIP mom, your suffering is over, and at least I've learned to not be a mother like you...But life is funny, there is a certain song I can never listen to again, associated with her passing. I start sobbing helplessly when I hear it. Last Mother's Day was unexpectedly kind of painful, I felt weepy all day. Parents are part of us whether they were good or bad, and there are holes in our hearts when they die. Maybe we are sad for that, what their loss means to us.  

Everyone grieves differently. There is no set pattern or time-frame, in my opinion. I'm not an expert, but I found that my grief for the loss of my mom was a process over several years. My mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons and after a hip fracture ended up in assisted living for over a year. Eventually she required more nursing care and moved to another facility. For me, my grief was a gradual "letting go." I think because my mom was physically changing over time, I was able to slowly grieve with each change and "loss." I grieved when she started having health issues that required more of my time and care for her, I grieved when she fractured her hip and we had to move her from her home, I grieved when she had new loss of motion and became more expressionless, and I grieved when we had to place her in a nursing care facility. My mom was also a wonderful, caring mother. The care staff for her during the most difficult years of her health-loss, were fantastic and so loving. I couldn't have provided nearly the level of care she received. My mother has been gone for 6 years now, and hardly a day passes that I don't miss her. There are days or even moments when I am overwhelmed with the loss of her presence, but for me personally, I know that my mom is whole and that I will see her again as God's Word promises.

When you are as busy and helping so many others, as you're doing right now, you don't have time to respond to your own needs, much less some of your feelings. I would encourage you to take some time for yourself and don't worry about not "grieving more." Your expression of grief may be entirely different from someone else's. Perhaps your grief is turned into wanting to help others more.

I totally understand how you feel. And I am a crier. I'm feeling extremely numb myself. After 6 years of caring for both of my parents (father, heart disease, mother, Alzheimer's)... I find myself numb. My father died in August, and three of my Mom's sisters have passed (one just yesterday) since he died. I cried over my beloved Aunt yesterday for a few minutes and then it was done. I just can't seem to feel anything. My mother has been in pretty severe decline since my father passed. And is now in a care home. I visit her as often as I can. Haven't been able to tell her about her sisters... She's grieving severely over my Dad. I don't expect her to last long. (Now that made me feel something...)

Sorry, didn't mean to take over your post. ❤ I believe you are indeed grieving. Everyone is different. My hospice grief counselor explained that grief can be like an onion peel, it will come off in layers. In each person's own time and way. Don't be hard on yourself. You are a beautiful person who loved enough to make sacrifices to care for your family members, and still do. Give yourself time and permission to not worry about it. You will gradually grieve. It takes time.

I have a feeling, that like me, you grieved while things were happening. You were most likely overwhelmed and constantly busy so you didn't know you were grieving - but you were. Now it is over and you are relieved - the person is finally in a state of perpetual peace. You have done what you could so you deserve blessings for that. You may or may not cry - sometimes this happens months and years later and then just let it happen. You were loved and you loved. Maybe your gift is peace so you don't have to cry all the time. Good luck.

Hello kdcm1011,
Your concern was the same concern I experienced after my mom passed in January. What I came to realize is that we as caregivers for our loved ones are grieving through the care giving process. You have had 7 long years of doing your best yet knowing that your mom was declining. We can't help but grieve as we witness this process. I still have not cried like I want to or like I feel I need to. I think it's time alone that's needed to reflect on my mother and my life with her but in fact I may have grieved all that I am capable of. So all I am trying to say is that your lack of tears does not mean that you are a heartless daughter. You have been there when she needed you most and I truly think that you have grieved quite a bit before your mom passed. Please take comfort in the care you provided your mother. I wish you peace and wonderful memories.

I think those here who have indicated you've been grieving for some time, are right. I live with my mother and she also has dementia. It's still pretty early. It mostly presents as forgetfulness and short term memory loss. But she is becoming increasingly dependent upon me. She has always been a loving and nurturing mother. I'm sad that I'm now becoming the mother and she the child. And I feel guilty because I feel that way. I want my mom back. How selfish, right? I'm finally facing the fact that she is declining and I'm losing her and it makes me so incredibly sad. I'm finally starting to grieve about it. I don't know how long this will go on or how well I'll handle it. All I know is she deserves loving care, kindness and understanding. I can imagine though that when she finally passes, it might be a relief while also very sad. But I think my real grieving is already happening.

wow - a popular topic - many comments!
apologies, i did not read everyone's thoughtful supportive comments as i usually do.

i am thankful for kdcm's unique question - it gave me 'reason' to express my reaction to my dad dying [july, 2015]. at his memorial i was overcome by 1 brief volcano of a cry - no more than 6 seconds! never cried 1 tear since. ironically tho - i loved my dad - identified / shared with him - and not with mom [still, and dealing with her progressing dementia..] i believe he knew i loved him, and i visited much more frequently than i visit mom now...
soooo - the irony? - - dad's passing was natural, no frayed ends of feelings. no crying. i predict that when mom passes, i will cry the 'normal expected' amount - as i have issues with her - no need to describe - suffice it to say, the loss of mom will be felt more as that relationship never grew...

When my husband died three years ago, on my Birthday...I couldn't cry. I was so happy that he was saved and was in heaven with Jesus. Only now three years later, I am finding my self crying for him often. I have health problems that I wish he was here to take care of me...My three grown children are fighting with each other and only one is helping me...they hate each other and are jealous of each other. I miss my husband more than ever now...I even find myself crying for my mother at times. I think you 've been wonderful to you mom and family. God bless you for all your efforts to love and take are of them.

The grieving process normally occurs at the time of loss, which may not coincide with the death. My mother had a massive stroke in July 2014. She had brain damage which caused a loss of memory, very little cognitive ability, and propelled her to late state dementia. She no longer knew that I was her son. Within the next 6-8 months I would sometimes cry without notice at inappropriate times such as talking to doctors, nurses, or therapists. We used to cook together a lot. Sometimes I would be in the kitchen cooking and I started crying because we used to do those things together. Eventually I researched how grief works and realized that I was in the grieving process. I am still my mother's 24/7 caregiver. I don't know how my emotions will respond to her death when that day comes. I just know that I have done a lot of grieving already.

I felt exactly as you do when I lost my mom to dementia. Someone told me something that made so much sense and I now try to pass it along to others so they may feel peace as I did, finally. At first I thought I was in shock and on auto pilot with funeral plans and all that goes with that. What the person told me is, I had already mourned her before she passed away. And as I thought about it, that is exactly what I had done. I would sit and watch her as she would stare blankly out the window and cry because I could no longer visit with her as my mom, her behavior was no longer the mom I knew and longed to have. I loved her so much and had been mourning the loss as she disappeared over the years she lived with dementia. Nothing is wrong with you. You had mourned over time and at the end was like me, consumed with the thought I should be falling apart and wasn't. HUGS!

I am so sorry for the lost of your mother. I have had the same issue. I want you to be released from that guilt, and it is absolutely NORMAL to feel relief. The mother that you knew died a very long time ago, so you have already started your grieving process gradually when that decline in health started a while back. I will continue to pray for you!!!!

My Mom passed in September. She lived with me 20months then I made the decision to put her in AL. When money ran out, NH. Her Dementia got worse each month. Finally her body started shutting down. She was 89. The only regret I have is being impatient but then it was just me. I had a hard time dealing with it not being Mom anymore. I grieved then because in a sense the personality that made my Mom was gone. My Mom also believed she would go to heaven. She was ready. I try to remember the good times. I tear up when someone expresses their sympathy. But I feel she is in a better place. Whole again. I did for my parents my whole life. I gave them no trouble growing up. So I have no regrets. No she won't be at Christmas dinner. But as I bake I will think of all the cans of cookies she made for everyone. All she did "for us". Years after I grew up she told me how she hated decorating the tree.

I always think with something horrible is happening to the person that I love when they go home to be with the Lord I am joyful and know that they are at peace

It's OK that you haven't cried, don't worry about it. Everyone grieves differently so just cope with the loss in your own way but don't dwell on it. Don't let the grieving take over your life, just remember your mom as she was to you. You can start by being thankful for having such a good mom because so many children out there never know the love of their own parents and I was one of them who barely survived childhood whereas my only bio sister was killed. Be thankful you had a loving mom but at the same time please try to remember and sympathize for those of us out here who had to grow up unloved by hateful parents. There are so many children out there who are killed by their parents or caregivers. Please sympathize with those who are not as blessed as you when you remember how loving your mom was. Try remembering the good times with  your mom. When you do, remember those of us out there who were damaged by abusive parents through no fault of our own. Also remember those who were killed by their parents. Be thankful for your mom but also don't forget about us out here as some of us must deal with having lost a sibling at the hands of an abusive parent. My sister is gone but I'm her only voice and those of us who survived must be the voice for those we lost because those we lost our no longer here to speak for themselves and they need us to speak for them. On behalf of my  deceased sister, please remember abuse survivors and those who died when you remember how good you had it with your own parents because not everyone had it as good as others