Mom overstepping boundaries. Making decisions about my house and yard.

This is Your home and you need to create a list of House Rules. Remind your mother that when you lived under her roof, you followed her rules, e.g. 1st tell her you love her and that you are a positive person and want to make a happy life for both, Under the following stipulations:

1. My house. My rules.
2. If anyone (not me) dislikes or disapproves, keep any NEGATIVE feedback to yourself OR do it better yourself" (to MY satisfaction) or hire a pro that YOU pay for who must do job to your and my approval OR... Find somewhere else to live.
3. " If you can't say something nice, Say it to someone other than me or keep it to yourself." This is a positive and happy household. You are welcome to go some place else where your criticism is welcomed. If she says she won't be happy anywhere else, Then tell her, "but I will, And only one of us would be miserable."
4. Ask her to make a list of all the things she likes about you and living with you. If she can't come up with anything, And tell her she probably should find another Place to live because you want to spend the rest of your life happy and not unhappy.

She is manipulative and very very good at it. I'm sure the dementia has magnified it a great deal. Let me guess, if you say something to her she will pout, have a huge pity party, cry to anyone who will listen how horrible you are, but if you eat each hateful action and word from her she's all smiles as she spews her poison. My situation is a bit different because I take care of my MIL. EVERYTHING is about "her son" (or the 2 spawns of satan, my SILs) How wonderful they are blah,blah,blah.She has moved into her SON'S house, I'm the girl who takes care of her, cooks, cleans and I do it for free,I don't cost her a penny, or so she tells her friends infront of me. Been married for 37 years so no, she's not confused, just the way she is. Thinks that bragging that she has a girl makes her special. Don't get it. When confronted about her actions she'll try to deny them, I finally put my foot down and called her out on it. Pouted for a week like a 2 year old. She was perfectly aware of her actions, if she wasn't I would have ignored it, since it was starting on a daily basis I had enough and flat out asked her what I did to deserve being treated that way, how did I offend her to the point that she felt its ok to be rude and mean. No answer from her but lots of pouting pity party. I informed husband of exactly what I said, he was fine with it, that she needs to know I won't put up with it. Pick your battles wisely but don't put up with this much longer. Let her sulk and pout she is aware of what she's doing and what buttons to push. SHE thinks shes queen of the castle, time to remind her of whose castle it is and who the real queen is. Good luck, I'm sure we could compare notes all day long and find many of the same issues. Do you have siblings that could help out or are they the norm that just cant because (insert excuse).

RBuser, if you let her bring you down and control you, she will, happily. As long as you tolerate this, it will continue and not change. A small studio apartment could be just as low cost as a section 8 apartment and a lot easier to find and get into. If, as she says, she will not be happy anywhere, fine. She can stew in her own negativity somewhere besides your house.

freq: She was in hospital for a week after the hurricane and then AL for 20 days when she found out she was displaced from her apartment of 20 yrs. With no one else to take her on (in) it fell to me. She came to me like she was living in assisted living in my house. She is better now but while I know she has dementia, a lot of this behavior has been with her for years.
Ahm: I tried what you said re the moving elsewhere and we made the calls to the apartments. The issue is with Section 8 and the waiting list to apply can take up to 2 yrs to open up and then its a catch 22.
When I said to her what you said. She said, 'I won't be happy anywhere' and this is a fact. Read my other comments for further explanation.

If your mom is a nit picker, troublemaker, unkind or overly critical, then, I'd be relieved if she moved out. But, do you know why she's acting that way? I had a family member who started acting particularly disagreeable years ago. She would intentionally try to start an argument, lie, snap, just very difficult. She used to like for me to be around, but, then she started acting like she detested me. Though she said it was my problem. Well, I left her alone and later, it turned out that she had dementia. Her brain was damaged and it was causing her to act inappropriately. She was confused and embarrassed to tell me about it. I returned to help care for her and she was nice again, though, disabled with dementia. So, I'd just make sure that she doesn't have some kind of cognitive issue going on. She may not be able to help how she acts.

Take what she says with a grain of salt. Seriously. My mother was the mistress of the “snarky remark”. She was also a Drama Queen, which it sounds like your mother is. This is why I knew early on she couldn’t ever have lived with me.

You may need to put your foot down and give her a time limit so she stops this business with your aunt. Get boxes and start “helping” her pack up. When she does move, cut the financial “help” line. She’s holding it over your head. Rework your budget so you don’t need the extra cash. Mom is not in control, even if she thinks she is.

She has been approved for an apartment but she has started the manipulation with her sister for back up support and as of this morning she was going to wait on a different apartment.
So I just told her I think she needs to go ahead and accept it and I would help her move. And I mean it. She is paying me rent here only because I knew if she was going to pay it somewhere us then I needed it here and she calls it helping me and if she moves to low income she can keep 'helping me' so I have perpetuated all this bs by not standing up for myself. She keeps threatnening she 's calling someone to tell on me (lol) for elder abuse and then she says no, I don't want them to know how crazy you're acting. ughh

I second this, if your mother is making YOU miserable to that extent you have to lay down the law.

“Mom, (insert deep, sad sigh here), I don’t think you’re very happy here. You don’t seem to be . I’m sad that you’re so unhappy . I’ve been thinking about it and I think you’d be happier living somewhere else. I’ve been looking on the internet and I’ve found some places you might be happier. I made us some appointments this weekend to go look at some places.” Give her a very sorry, sincere look and walk away. Let her think about what you’ve said. See what she says. Get some brochures for facilities and leave them “around”. Don’t bring it up again unless she does. If she continues her tirades, give her the speech again. You may just have to act on it, though.

RBuser1, this sounds like a classic Adult/child dynamic. What happens is when a parent moves in with a grown child or a grown child moves into the parent's house, once again the parents become the Adult, and the grown child becomes the Child.

Thus, the parent will pick up where they left off trying to raise that adult child. That the grown child isn't doing this right or that right. This situation isn't easy to change where there are two grown adults in the house. It's just part of human nature. I know it isn't easy.

The best relationships is when there is humor involved. When the parent starts to "teach" politely listen and say "great idea, Mom", and in the back of your mind chuckle that here Mom still thinks you are 12 years old :)

May I ask why Mom is living with you? If we had more information it would be very helpful.