Mom moved in in April and I need to vent...

I truly feel for you - sending you hugs.

What works for me is: I do whatever it takes to keep my mom healthy, safe and clean. Nothing beyond that. I used to drive myself crazy keeping her occupied and happy, Made me exhausted since I thought I could make her less forgetful & maybe even reverse the dementia!!! This forum has been a lifesaver for me - it has made me realize that my life matters too. I also try to carve out time in the evening to watch Netflix/read books et. Looking forward to that makes my day bearable since we are all still locked up at home and not doing anywhere. Before Covid started, I also spent money on sitters so that I can continue my p/t job and I will keep doing that if possible in the future.

I went through the cash thing with my mom, too. A big wad of ones as Lealonnie suggests is a good idea. The more bills, the "richer" she'll feel. The actual possession of cash makes her feel good, like $ = power in a world where power over her own life is rapidly diminishing. If your mom still feels "shortchanged" with a few ones, tell her you'll get the rest as soon as you make it to the bank or ATM or whatever. Just keep putting it off.

Your situation sounds very similar to ours. The biggest mistake for us was moving her in thinking it would ever work. Since COVID we have been working from home but planning on going back sooner rather than later so we need to have a plan of action which at the present time is proving most difficult. Since we are here so much we can def see the decline and failure to thrive. She doesn’t leave the chair she sits in and does puzzle books all day everyday. Getting her even to sit outside which she used to enjoy doing doesn’t happen anymore. She’s nasty to DH too for no apparent reason and we still have kids at home and will also get like that with them. Some days you just need to vent 😀

It can be very frustrating and overwhelming to care for a person who has dementia 24/7. Most people have no idea. It’s NOT just memory loss but challenging behavior, resistance, obsessions, delusions, repeating, etc. You really have to develop a thick skin. I’d stick with the story and not provide actual cash she might lose. Maybe a small amount.

Definitely get help with her care. She may not like the idea, but that’s ok. You’ll need help. I’m not sure if the Senior Day centers are open now due to covid, but you can check. They will eventually reopen.

I'm in a similar situation. My father passed away and my mom (memory problems) lives with me. And like you, I try to keep her occupied, but it's especially challenging with memory problems - long tv shows are too complicated, long articles in the paper too challenging...she likes to help cook so I include her in that. I'm home all the time, before covid I would bring her out shopping or to lunch, but now we've been homebound and the days can be long. I adopted two dogs and a cat and they have been a blessing. The distract my mom and she adores them.
Anyway, I want you to know, you are not alone. There are many of us worn down by caregiving. Please take good care of yourself. Is it possible to get some caregiving help? Sending you good thoughts...

First, you are not rambling. You are not selfish, either. You are absolutely overwhelmed. I just spent a month living in my dad’s home as his 24 hour caregiver. I did everything for him. I was totally exhausted and mentally drained. I live 5 hours away. He was diagnosed with Lewy Body and truly cannot live alone. His doctor met with him and clearly stated he is unsafe at home. He moved to an assisted living ( kicking and screaming)... and I am still recovering. I understand.

Two comments. I’m already in tears and grateful for your response. Thank you 🙏🏻

You may be worried that this won't work for the long haul, and you would be correct. Alzheimer's doesn't "settle". She will get worse and it may happen faster than you thought. If your sister wanted to help, she would have by now. She sees you doing everything and figures it's all good, no need for help, you've got this. Like Lelalonnie said, why would she want to be involved in such upheaval?

You aren't selfish in the least for wanting peace and order in your own home. I've said before that people think they can 'love their way' through caregiving. As in you love your mom so much, you believe love can get you through the hardest parts. You remind yourself how she cared for you when you were a baby, changing diapers and keeping you safe. Problem is, now you're not caring for a 10-lb. little human! This is a grown woman who is going to get harder and harder to manage... and she is grown enough to argue, demand and fight back! I'd also be worried about your cats being safe; it's not unheard of at all for people with ALZ/Dementia to become hostile or even violent towards pets. Even if they loved the pets dearly before the disease set in.

As for wanting money, depending on her stage of Alzheimers and her eyesight.... there is realistic looking 'play money' out there! Handing her a wad of that may help things, since she'll probably be stuck on asking for money repeatedly.

Dementia & Alzheimer's usually reaches a point where in-home care becomes impossible, in part, for the reasons you are starting to see. Things continue to go downhill as the disease progresses and they become more argumentative and start doing dangerous things like roaming around outside, trying to cook on the stove, or refusing to bathe, take medicines, etc. I've watched my mother go downhill with dementia since she was diagnosed in 2016, but she lives in Assisted Living and moved over to the Memory Care building last May. She pays others to care for her 24/7 because I frankly cannot and will not do it. The incontinence issues alone are too much, never mind the 1000 other issues she exhibits!! Just the arguing alone makes it impossible to even carry on a normal conversation anymore.

As far as your sister goes, she sees with her own two eyes what YOU are going through with your mother, so why on earth would she want to take her into HER home part time? She's happy to leave you with the entire burden, or to offer a minimal amount of 'help' to you in YOUR home for a short while. Why burden herself when you're doing such a good job of shouldering it? Sigh.

I would not be giving her $900..........what does she 'need' that money for, exactly? Try giving her $50 in $1 bills, rolled up, it will look like a big wad and maybe that will make her happy. Distraction is the key to Alzheimer's..........change the subject she's dwelling on and offer her a snack or a movie to watch, and maybe she'll forget about her need for cash.

Start looking into Memory Care for your mother now, so that when things become truly unbearable, you can get her placed. Get her home sold and use those proceeds to fund her care, it's really your best option. As far as 'guilt' goes, don't even go there. My mother is VERY well cared for her in her ALF, the staff loves her, they wait on her hand & foot, she's well fed, entertained, and in the company of 22 peers her own age who are all in the same boat she's in. There's also a beautiful garden she can wheel herself around in anytime she'd like. It's safe and secure for her too, which is comforting to me. When she runs out of private pay funds in 2021, I will apply for Medicaid and get her placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility she spent time in for rehab last year and enjoyed.

Wishing you the best of luck with a very tough situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, my friend. You are not 'selfish' at all; you are overwhelmed and frightened, and looking for guidance, that's all. Be kind to yourself, ok?