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Her dad has probably been at the receiving end of her anger enough times that it's easier to just do what she wants. My dad did this, as his objections just got him an new onslaught of Mom's anger. They were of a generation that just didn't divorce so they stayed together, despite the pain of it.
Sharonkay, you might want to read up on setting boundaries so you know how to. There's a lot of information on some of the posts here, regarding dealing with difficult parents. Two things - remain calm and in control with her. And disengage when she starts on a roll. You can't change her, but you can control how you respond and how much you take. You say you're not one to be confrontational but you will need to calmly, declaratively state your limits. I think guilt tripping is a terrible thing - to me, it's intentionally trying to make someone feel bad for your own end. But again, you can become Teflon and let the guilt roll on by. You should not feel guilty for going away with your husband or kids....this is normal and healthy. One thing that really helped me was thinking "do I do/say this to my kids?" The other is "if I did, how would my adult child respond?" When I asked these questions, it quickly showed me how dysfunctional my relationship with Mom was and made it easier to say things like "I'm sorry, but that's not possible for me to do".
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aint nobody givimg up no d*mn booze , dusty . he he he
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Thanks! Support is what I'm looking for, or someone who is dealing with the same situation.
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Unfortunately for Dad, he is who I get my unconfrontationalism from. (I don't think that's a word.) But honestly, I don't know why they didn't divorce years ago. They sure could fight when I was a kid. He has chosen to stay with her. I don't mean to make him sound like a victim. They still argue vehemently. She is just unrelenting and there is no changing her. I don't argue with her. It's useless. Usually she has such unreal comments that I am rendered speechless. Like her: I like to hold grudges comment. What do you say to that?
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imo , dont make your dad out to be such a victim . if he has no guts he has effectively permitted her to abuse people for years . i dont mean that as a gender thing . if your dad was an abusive hateful person and your mother put up with it , it would be the same thing .
i just think theyre equally guilty .
put her in that nursing home you saw on 60 minutes , lol .. ( homer simpsons threat to g - pa simpson )
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Does this author only have one book?
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Oh, I know she won't change. I'm thinking that if Dad goes first, she'll have to move to a facility. She just cannot keep the house/yard. And, NO NO NO, she will not move in with us. Not going to happen. Never. My foot is down. Firmly planted.

But before then? Nope, not gonna happen til something happens to Dad.

I will have to find my strength. And I will have to not let her guilt-trip me. I'll just need a bit of assistance... because if this goes on for years, well, I don't know what will happen.
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Read Roz Chast's book. Find a therapist to talk to about this. You have a lifetime of damage to undo.
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This may seem harsh, but I think that you know your mother isn't going to change, you will be miserable, so wouldn't it be better to consider some alternative whereby you don't have to be her caregiver but that she finds a placement somewhere, whether it's in assisted living or somewhere else?

I think we women usually feel it's axiomatic that we're responsible for our parents, but given your mother's behavior, why would you want to endure further abuse?

You know you're not going to change her. Are you willing to spend perhaps years under the circumstances you anticipate will exist?

Give a lot of thought to whether you want to spend several weeks, months or even years in a situation which clearly upsets you now.

You say you're non-confrontational; your mother will exploit that, based on your description of her. You've become verbally abused and find it hard to challenge her if you haven't figured out a way yet. And there may not be a way. Perhaps avoidance is the key.

Sometimes you just have to distance yourself from the family problems. Find your strength to do this. Otherwise, you risk compromising your own physical and mental health.
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