I feel like I shouldn't complain, some of you guys on here have it REALLY tough with mentally and/or physically ill parents. I am lucky, my 81 yo mom is healthy and active. That's part of the problem, really. My wife and I are very much loners, always have been. Our best 'date' night is steaks and a movie - at home - and we like it that way. That's why we get along so well, we are both introverted and extroverts make us a little crazy. I don't think we realized that Mom would talk, 24/7, about anything and everything that enters her mind. "Time to make some coffee now!"; "Guess I'm going to have a banana!"; "Going out to get the mail!"...that sort of thing. In addition to this, she's VERY passive aggressive. We are accustomed to saying what we think when we think it, asking for what we want when we want it, and are very unused to someone forever asking "Wouldn't you guys like it better if the coffee maker were over HERE?" "Wouldn't it help you if I would organize under your sink?". This is constant and we are about to go crazy. NO, we like the coffee maker where it is, thanks and NO we don't need our shelves 'organized', thanks. Our new constant phrase is "No mom, thanks, we don't need for that to be done". We have tried to make her feel useful by mentioning some things she CAN do to help, but that is usually met with resistance. She's also wanting us to go places and do things with her that we just have no interest in. She lived alone prior to this and went out on her own all the time to make friends and be social. Keep in mind that she is completely physically able to be out by herself, so that's not the issue...would be a different story if she weren't. Sorry for the rant but we could really use some advice from anyone who has experienced a similar problem. We HAVE tried to talk with her, nicely, about how we just really like to be left alone most of the time and she says that is a "cold" and "unnatural" way to live. Uuggghhh. Nooooo, not for us it isn't. No children living with us, I'm 46 and my wife is 60. She has grown kids living in another state, I do not have children so at least that's not an issue! Again. .sorry for the rant.
If she's really uncomfortable with the way your house is arranged, it might be time to re-introduce the concept of AL or IL.
The idea of finding activities for her is a good one though; sounds like she's fairly mobile, so she could find not only activities in which to become involved, but charitable work as well.
Meals on Wheels needs help delivering meals to homebound seniors; they might need assistance in packing the meals as well. Hospitals sometimes have need for people in gift shops; the VA in our area has someone to go from one area to another in the outpatient building and offer reading material to patients and family waiting to be seen.
Food pantries need help sorting and assembling (and perhaps organizing, which your mother might enjoy). Some senior centers also need staffing help.
Animals shelters might need help working with the animals; some libraries have programs by which children read to therapy dogs; an older person might be appropriate as well if she has a soft, comforting voice.
There are groups that make crocheted, knitted and quilted items for military personnel, for babies in NICU units.
She could also call 211 and ask which charities might need volunteer help.
I'm not clear - has she actually sold her house?
Spring is coming, set her up with a garden-and a garden companion to help her. You all will adjust. This is doable.
You and your wife cannot control your mother...physically or psychologically. The problem I see with her accommodations is that she doesn't have a kitchenette, which brings her into your kitchen whenever she wants a banana or coffee. Is there space in her living area for a Pullman kitchen? Can you reconfigure her wing into a lockoff unit? Lockoffs are great because whether you want the door open or privacy it's easy.
Maybe I missed it but does your mother still drive?
Honestly, just saying all of this is helping. A big problem I have is that the two people closest to me aside from my wife I can't talk to about all of the complaints I have. One, my best friend since high school, just lost here mom a few months ago and she is grieving terribly. The other is my cousin, my mom's sister's daughter. My mother and she are very close and she's sad that mom moved cross country to be with me, so can't complain to HER. I appreciate just being able to get it all out. It honestly helps!
I can see how her constant asking could wear you down!
Perhaps you could borrow from what used to be a kindergarten practice - talk, play, then rest time. Create times when you socialize, such as at breakfast, then perhaps at lunch and at dinner. Other times are either work or quiet times.
And for someone who either has been out of the work force for awhile, or wasn't ever in it, she may not understand or realize that when you're in your office, chatting isn't on the agenda.
I'm wondering if she really has any idea how you and your wife feel about the talking?
I see this as two situations: your work time and the general "living" time. Work really needs to be respected and she needs to be told to "pretend I'm not even here". I don't remember if your office has a door, but if so, close it and the instruction to "don't knock unless the place is burning down" would be appropriate. Wearing headphones - not earbuds, the wireless headphones she can see (whether or not you're actually using them) - would also go a long way toward maintaining your 'cone of silence' even if you step out of the office for a bit.
For general coexisting, it will be trickier. She's been there a while and doesn't seem to be picking up on whatever social cues you and spouse are demonstrating that make it clear you prefer quiet. If that's case, you might have to actually say something if you want things to change. Something like, "Mom, we love you, but we like a quiet house and we really need our down time together. We'd really appreciate it if you just enjoy the peace and quiet with us instead of talking so much.
I like the suggestion of having some time where you DO talk, such as meals, so that she gets a chance to speak and be social, participate in the household, and basically 'get it out of her system', so she'll be more able to enjoy her quiet time too.
Good luck. You're blessed that she is healthy, active, and very social to begin with, and that you have such a good relationship going into this.
His profile is:
https://www.agingcare.com/Members/tgengine
If you have some spare time, you might want to read some of his posts, before his father came, what the concerns are, when his father arrived, how the situations changed and most recently of other issues with which he's dealing.