I guess I am in a lose/lose situation. My mother is so frail. She has esophageal cancer and is scheduled for a 5 week dose of radiation. She is going to move in with us while she gets the treatment, but I am worried.

Father has fallen again. He is obese and keeps eating. He probably weighs over 300 pounds at this point. He won't use a cane or a walker.

This is all so depressing I have tried and tried.

I am not sure this should be in the question forum

Thank you.

At least my mother will come here but I am worried it may be too late, I hope not, I pray.

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My deepest sympathy for you! I know the feeling.

Remember, you’re doing all you can. You’re a wonderful person, it’s clear from your words.

Can Dad look after himself?

If yes, great. Call him with updates on Mom.

If no, (eg Mom took care of him) he IS going to need a different plan. Does he GET this?

Communicate it to him in simple & firm language.
Dad, you need a lot of help at home. Your choice will be from;
1. Home Help. Staff from an agency to your home, or
2. Stay somewhere with staff.

"He is agreeable about nothing".

That is option 3.
The Refuse or Do Nothing choice.

Sometimes it is stubborness, or fear, or diminishdd thinking/planning skills. It leads to awaiting a crises & then being forced to choose 1. or 2. anyway, just a longer route.

This was what the Doctor told me to do after I described the denial / lack of insight my LO's displayed regarding their care needs:
- do not help
- do not be 'at beck & call'
- do not even bring milk
- sometimes people have to *fail* to learn
- if LO is not coping, tell them to call their Doctor.
# Tough Love

This forum is amazing hugs to all of you.

I hope my mom pulls through but I am not sure.

My dad has to go into assisted living or since he is falling a lot would that be a nursing home?

He is agreeable about nothing

he is stubborn old and feels sorry for himself
he is also a dry drunk that reads prayer books all the time and still berates my mom and everyone else

he was always a bad father and he makes me sick that is why I don't want to help him I could care less. I just want to help my mom

Wow! Things are piling up and you are smack dab in the middle of it all. I’m so sorry.

Neither of your parents are doing well and I am sure that it is taking it’s toll on you.

It’s very kind of you to house your mom temporarily until her treatments are done. Dad will need to be watched out for since he is a fall risk. You can’t possibly do everything all at once. You have your hands full.

It is very difficult to care for two parents at the same time. Are you looking into any arrangements for your dad?

There are some assisted living facilities that will allow non residents to stay with them so their children can have time off. Would your father be agreeable to this situation?

Best wishes to you and your family.

It sounds like both your parents are at a tipping point - between living independanrly & needing assistance & supervision.

What's a nicer way to describe theirs & your situation that 'lose/lose'? A 'tough spot'? An adjustment due to illness?

Not trying to gloss over the very real hardships here - it will be overehelming at times I am sure 😔 but aim to stay calm & stay afloat. Not get pulled under by trying to do it all yourself.

Decide how much you can do. Keep re-evaluating this every week. Needs will change. Your energy level may change also.

Look at what options exist if Mom's care needs outweigh what you can provide in your home. Eg Respite care?

If Dad falls & cannot get himself up - call EMS. If this is becoming regular or he is not coping in other ways (cannot feed, bathe himself or manage medications) he may also need some sort of respite care (aides to his home or respite accomodation).

Keep posting here if it helps you. I sincerely hope you can find support for ALL of you.

How old are your parents? If your Mom is very advanced in years, maybe there should be a discussion about palliative care or hospice instead of treatment?

The radiation will be hard on her... will you be able to physically move her in bed if she's immobile (like, turning her, or changing a disposable brief if she wears one, etc)?

I agree that you could contact social workers to have your Dad assessed for services or get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult. If you are not his PoA (and no one is) then he may eventually become a ward of the county if he is a danger to himself and is uncoperrative with reasonable in-home solutions and cannot do his ADLs.

Is there a social worker at mom's cancer treatment center? Ask for her/his help in arranging for social services to evaluate dad's ability to live alone.

Alternatively, call your local Area Agency on Aging and get dad set up with Case Management Services.

Penny - You can only do what you can do. You can't help someone (your dad) who does not want to help himself, or you to help him. He knows what he is doing, and is deciding his own fate and you can't stop it or fight it. So, please stop carrying his burden on your shoulders. You will have enough stress caring for your mom. You don't need more. What will be will be. Let it go.

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