Feeling guilty and just need a little support. My mom has been having trouble recognizing people, so our caregiver/family friend has been visiting her in a care facility, and I found out that she intermittently has been pulling down her mask.
Her doc called me and complained about her caregiver not being compliant. I talked so my mom's caregiver, who told me that she was having real issues with facial recognition, and acknowledge that she did it, limiting it to times when my mom wasn't recognizing her when they are in a room by themselves (Both are vaccinated). Mom's doc understood the issue about face masks and facial recognition, but he was firm about the mask and I understood. I went back and forth with the facility for our caregiver to use clear surgical masks, and I finally got approval for it. But...
My mom now has a cough - although it's not covid from repeated testing, and she seems to feel okay other than that for now. Her doc has put her on antibiotics. They aren't sure what it is, and I feel entirely guilty that my mom is sick (though our caregiver/family friend isn't). I imagine that somehow her caregiver passed something to her, although I have no proof of that, and ultimately my mom could be fine.
I'm just exhausted of trying to figure out the right thing to do. Being in the hospital with covid meant that she has had a serious decline. I know my mom is in the last stage of her life, and I don't regret our family friend touching, dropping her mask, and trying to connect with my mom and make those days something other than a series of sterile interactions while seem to confuse and scare her. But every imperfect choice seems to lead to guilt.
I am exhausted.
We are both vaccinated.
My mother is having trouble figuring out who I am.
She lives with ENOUGH terror. If I can let her get a glimpse of a familiar face, I’m going to do it. Not in other spaces in her facility. But, in her room? Yep.
I am by no means an anti-masker! But seriously! Both mom and friend are vaccinated! Either you believe the vaccine will protect you or you don't! And if you don't believe it will protect you, then why bother jumping through hoops to get it?
Your mom doesn't have Covid. She has a cough. It could be a cold; hell, it could be allergies, since the pollen this year is out of control! You did not make mom sick! How this doctor could even put that on you is a disgrace! And why on Earth is he giving her antibiotics? Has she tested positive for an infection? You say mom is at the end - and I am truly sorry, you have my deepest sympathies - so what exactly does this doctor hope to accomplish at this point? Isn't it better for mom to have some friendly, familiar loving faces around her that she can see, and not some masked "strangers" that might scare her or cause her agitation?
I think so long as your friend is following the protocol and masking up entering and leaving the hospital, so as not to expose any other patients, let the masks come off around mom, and DO NOT feel guilty about it! You have done nothing wrong.
How about "Mom is sick & I feel sad" ? Is that it?
It's OK to feel sad about that.
Did you cause your mom's illness?
Can you cure her illness?
Can you control her what's happening to her?
If the answer is no, what exactly are your feeling guilty about. If every imperfect choice leads to guilt, your expectations are way out of line. No one can be a perfect caregiver. Instead of trying to be an “A” caregiver, be more of a “B” person. Accept what you can't control.
The right thing to do is to love her, advocate for her proper care, and cherish these final days with her.
PS: if her doctor expects her to keep her mask on, he apparently has little knowledge of AD.
At this point in your mom's life, focus on the good and try to worry less. Your mom had the happiness of seeing her friend, and that's worth more than anything. Nothing you do in terms of decision-making is really going to make a huge difference in the end of her life, but happy times seeing friends are priceless.
Self-imposed guilt does no one any good and hurts only you, so you have my permission to stop feeling it.
I hope your mom feels better soon. Know that none of this is your fault.