My mother is dying and my sister-in-law hasn't called or visit in 6 months and she only lives an hour away.

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Now that Mom is in the hospital and doesn't have much time left guess who is parading around with her family pretending that she is heartbroken. I'm so mad I can't breathe. For ten years she treating my Mother badly -and now... thanks for letting me vent. I am too well brought up to make a scene at the hospital but I would love to tell her what I think about her.

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This thread is from 2010. The most recent comment is a year-and-a-half old.
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Altersheim, as long as your SIL isn't bothering your mother then just let it be - you can perfectly well despise SIL in private, after all. If she *is* upsetting your mother, that's different. You'll need to find a nicer and more charitable of doing what I did, which was to hiss to my partner at the time "get her out of that bedroom before I drag her out by her hair."

Helen, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how heart-breaking and sickening it is to hear your demented mother pining for a favourite child. Now listen. Your mother made her relationship with her son over many years, many years ago. Granted she didn't pick out your SIL, I dare say; but she made your brother the man who did pick out your SIL. Don't fall into the trap of imagining that poor helpless brother is in the toils of evil witch SIL. It takes two to tango, and they are a married couple.

So sympathise with and comfort your mother; but as far as you can divert her from the subject of your brother and do not attempt to force events. Make it clear to SIL and brother at every appropriate opportunity that you know your mother would like to see him; but MS or no MS, he can come to her if he wishes to see her before she passes. You have enough to deal with as your mother moves towards the end of life. Cross your brother off your To Do list. It will be *such* a relief.
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Well sandwich32plus....I think you hit a cord here. (or rather unfortunately the discord). I'm so glad you posted that. I'm still wondering wondering why about people and families and then I have my own issues to deal with. My brother is the only one of us 3 that got married and has 3 successful boys all over 30 years of age. One is actually a millionaire. This 'one' with the money and his wife had a kid about a year and a half ago and STILL has not brought the child to meet her great grandmother (who is sweet and a dear). What is up with that? These boys live all over the country and the world actually and travel quite extensively yet WHY OH WHY OH WHY can they continually hurt her this way. My father just passed from Alzheimer's earlier this year and only one of them visited him on his deathbed. GET THIS. The other two did not so much as call her or send a card. My brother actually called them to have them talk to her after a month or so. I can only seriously sum this up as the ignorance of my brother (alot of what sandwich said too) and the insensitve uncaring way their mother (my sister in law) brought them up. I wonder if it's just they have money and we don't. I don't know but it's sad. Again thanks sandwich for the view.
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*know
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So sorry for all this sadness, my experiences are similar. Why do these things hurt when we know from whence the insults and slights come? Sometimes I ponder,
is life better, easier when one is a selfish unfeeling person? Not a single person in my own husband's family said a word when my bio-mom died, that was hard. I
do not say anything as I want my son to have all the family he can. I hope they are nicer to him. As an orphan, I no the world is hard on those without family, so I do much to prevent that from happening to him. Anything that will be a buffer between him and a harsher world, even the small kindness that may come from
these selfish paternal relatives.
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I have a theory.

Some people have the ability to handle aging, sickness, death, & dying in an age-appropriate way. Some people don't. They run away, regardless of who it is.
It triggers something deep inside they have to flee or avoid at all costs.
This tears families apart for years and decades and generations from all the hard feelings it causes between the caretakers and the "care-avoiders".

I think the avoiders put on all kinds of shows to cover up the fear, the feelings. Better to look callous than inept. Better to be too busy than deal with the sadness and despair and helplessness. Better to never say goodbye at the end than confront the overwhelming emotions. The guilt over that is better than the other.

It looks poor. I think they know it. They can't handle it and don't know it consciously or what to do. It's intimidating when conversation, nurturing, or understanding the sickness and death process don't come naturally.

Maybe try a new question that isn't about your own feelings: :Sis, why does it seem so hard for you to visit mom?" Or, "I was wondering if you're having a hard time with mom's illness."
Don't ask in an accusatory way, just curiously.

In my own family, nobody would visit my mom before I moved her. They knew it would be the last time they would probably see her in this life, and they didn't come. One aunt tried. The one aunt who was even sicker and in worse shape than mom! Bless her. But it didn't happen.

It would be great if everybody could come at this with the same level of maturity and capability, but we don't live in that world sadly.
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OMG Altersheim, please don't get me wrong, but I am happy that I am not alone with the SIL from..... another planet.... I am so sorry. I think yours and mine could be related. When she finally did come to hospice, I found her at my mums bedside with the Chaplain, her head was on his shoulder and she was balling, crying how she JUST couldn't stand seeing *Grandma* (my mum her mother in law) like this... I left them alone, but could hear her whaling 100feet away. Within hours of that she took off with her friends and went camping!!! Didn't even come back when mum died 3 days later. She didn't even come to the very informal service I had... In fact I called her to ask her why she didn't come, and didn't come with my mother's grand children.... Within hours of leaving a voice mail with that question, she showed up on the doorstep... 5 children, 2 hers, standing behind her... pushing her way in... She proceeded to ask me if my brother, her husband had talked to me, telling me I need to apologize to her...for leaving that message, and not inviting her and the kids to the service. She began to close the door, shutting out the 5 bewildered kids, at which point I calmly suggested she leave. She proceeded to tell me to stop making a scene infront of my mum's best friend who was standing stunned in the kitchen. She refused to leave, said that her friend who was outside wanted to TALK to me... Don't forget, I had just lost my mother, and had had a very emotional service for her not 2 hours before.... I was amazed at my continued calm.... I am not always that way.... Anyway, she wouldn't stop, and kept coming too close to me, I told her to leave, if she didn't I'd call the police... it took several more threats before I was able to guide her to the door and OUT. ... This woman is seriously unwell... When my brother died she did something I will not get into, but it was horrific for my parents and myself. When my dad was sick and dying she again made problems, and again with my mum... Everything has to always be about her... Lastly, mum died on a Tuesday morning, on the Sunday I had called, texted and all but pigeon mailed my brother begging him to come be with me I needed him, I needed comfort as I watched our mother die. At first I thought he'd come, he said he would... but when he hadn't shown up 3 hours later, I text messaged him again.. he said that his family needed him, that his children were grieving for their grandma... he hope my husband and son would be there for me... 1900 miles away! duh.... Anyway... when he finally showed up the next day... with the kids I had the chance to talk to the children and I asked what they did the day before....Well nothing really, daddy was home with us... mommy went to a baby shower.
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Thanks for these threads for keeping me halfway sane! My mother who is dying, live with my husband and kids and it has been very hard as she has needed someone to be with her at all times for the past year. I have a sister and a SIL who have been so helpful, but have 2 sisters that have floored me over and over in the past year with their behavior and how selfish they are. I am so angry at them for how they have treated my mother; I know they don't care the burden it has placed on me and my family, but that is secondary to my mothers loneliness and not understanding why this is happening, it's so heart wrenching.I have asked, begged, been nice, been mad, been non communicative, basically anything I can think of, none of which has helped. I feel so stuck bc I know the only thing that will make it better is when it's all over. One thing that makes me feel better is to realize there are all different kinds of people who treat each other with varying levels of compassion. Now that I know how they treat people, I can disengage peacefully, know that I did the best I could for my mother and they absolutely have lost all value to me. But I know they will contest her estate, question every expenditure and accuse me of stealing. At least they're predictable. Thank you again to everyone, this is my saving activity some days
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Oh my, can I relate to the postings on this thread. Mom passed last month at 90. I am having a hard enough time already with this as she lived with us for the past 9 years and I miss her greatly. Shortly before she died my sister and her adult children came to visit my mom - it had been 20 years of virtually no contact and never in person. Guess who didn't wait a month after her passing to ask for copies of the will. And now she is trying to get her medical records. Sigh. Everything is being referred to the estate attorney.
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I totally understand everyone's feelings here. I took my grandmother in to my home to keep her out of a nursing facility. We had to buy a bigger home and cannot sell the old one due to the economic times. We're almost bankrupt due to it. But, no one in the family seems to care. My uncle, Gran's only surviving child, only comes to see her once or twice a year; though he lives less than an hour away. He will take longer drives to go see his wife's family or to go hunting. He calls every night and thinks that he is doing is duty. I have to take care of all her business; though he refuses to let me have access to her account to even make sure she has enough money in the bank to pay her bills. He got everything of hers signed over into his name (I found that out after we moved her in with us when I was trying to take care of her affairs). I have three sisters who never call, write or come by. One sister hasn't even been to see her in over two years. Pathetic!
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