Help- Mom is becoming mean and hateful and unreasonable.

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I have been caring for Mom for the past 7 years. The 1st year was spent flying between my home and my parents to help when Dad became terminally ill. I am an only child, Mom is 77. While Dad was in hospitals and hospice I took care of planing for the inevitable with my Dad, Mom would not accept he was not coming home. Dad had done everthing-the bills, caring for the house,shopping and cooking. Mom has never ever driven and has always been fearfulof...well everything. Just before Dad passed as we were planing what to be done, he told me"Mom is not like she used to be." I asked what he meant by that- he was vague and said she is not social-don't make her leave her house, take care of her. I realzed later she likely has alzheimers- her sister,father both suffered with this disease. she absolutely will not go to be tested. But all the signs are there.The next year was spent flying back and forth to take care of the house and her ect. She was isolated, no friends , no interests,and constantly afraid. some younger neighbors would take her to the grocery store2x a month( which was a bit weird but they had been friendly for years) and that was it unless I flew down. It became clear she was not doing well and I had to do something. I searched for months and found a cute 2 bedroom 1 level house 2 blocks from me.Perfect! We Mortgaged my house which was paid for to buy this house spent endless hours remodeling for her all the while flying her up for awhile then back to Florida. The time to list her house for sale came and i had to gently nudge her along, spent 2 weeks packing and moving her to her new home- it is so cute and perfect! She took a long while to get moved in I tried to let her be in control- but clearly she needed help to decide where to put things ect, she would just sit and worry. So we got it done. Her house in fla sold and we were able to pay everything off. 5 years later she seemed settled. she has a sum of money in the bank good income from pension and ss with little to no bills. I take her everywhere and make sure she gets out for walks and socializing-she does nothing w/out me. i have accepted that and the sacrifices. my husband works out of state in the winter - I am not able to be with him 100% as I have to be here for her- the travel back and forth again is expensive and tiresome-but gotta do it. she still worries so much about everything it is hard to take. sorry so long but that is the condensed version of the past 7 years. So now the newest problem- My house still has my mom and Dads name on it- we just never did anything about it. The house is waterfront and valuable but needed and still needs some repairs and upkeep as part of it is a rental unit. I take care of all expenses and repairs on my home -of course. mom is set her house paid for and all refinished. so 2 years ago I told mom weneeded to change the deed on my house that we needed to borrow to take care of things. We are responsible adults. Nope no way she would not agree -the house was free and clear she wanted it to stay that way. She does not at all understand how things workthese days and is fearful as I said of everything. SO- as I have power of attorney and it is my house - I took out an equity line- wemoved forward and took care of what we needed to do, with the idea of refinancing in 3 years-all good. Well by the slip of a phone call she realized we have an equity line on the house...mind you we have not been late on 1 payment and take care of everything.Mom has gone into hysterics and depression and will have nothing to do w/ me other than to take her to the grocery store- where she asks me to not come in with her. she is being very hateful and hurtful to me. the things she is saying are shocking to me- all I have ever done good has been erased. I am trying to be loving and care for her - but she is making it next to impossible. I cry most days-call her everyday to see she is ok and she gives me one word answers and hangs up when I go over she barely allows me in and then asks me to leave. she has agreed now that we will change the deed.but that is it-she says she will never get over this. I can not live like this it has been 1 month and my heart is broken.She will not go to a counselor or our priest to talk -I have asked- so we can get past this. I do not know what to do. I can not continue this way it is killing my health-hers also. But what do i do? she has a brother in another state- but to sell this house and move her again would likely be too much. please any advice-this is killing me I can not live like this for months much less years.

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I have a personal policy of no home equity loans, but in an emergency I can say I'd understand. Mom can't, she sees it as dangerous and she feels she has lost her security in life. I had to keep a few secrets from my mom in the process too, and I do feel sad for you and for her that the information leaked. She may be softening a little if she agreed to the deed change - maybe at some point she might grasp that you did it BECAUSE you love her and needed to make sure she could have good care and you can show her have set up finances such that the first thing paid automatically every month is the loan. But to her the emotional hurt is that it was done against her will and it scares her PLUS it brings home the reality that she is not able to be in charge. Because she canot be realistic, she is devastated at this news. It rocked her whole world. This will take time, with her seeing that nothing bad is happening because you did this. I feel the hurt you are going through, but again remember she is lashing out because of her insecurity and feeling so threatened and afraid.
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My Mom has dementia and is getting more angry and mean every day. I moved her into a senior living apt 3 months ago,in the beginning she was fine. Now she is telling the neighbors we abandoned her, she tells me I told my kids not to visit her. She makes accusations that people go into her apartment and steal her money. She tells everyone I don't give her any money. She tells me she wants to die. All these things are to get a reaction out of me. I do my best to change the subject, because sometimes you can and she forgets she was being mean. It is such a horrible disease and there should be something that can be done. It tears families apart and makes people suffer from all the strange behaviors. I hope they come up with something because medical science making people live longer than they are suppose to isn't working. Once their mind is gone it makes no sense to make them and everyone around them suffer.
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What the heck does your brother think he's playing at? Your mother seems to have had a complete mental and emotional collapse. Moreover, she's lost 100lbs in a few months, you say? Really?

She needs to be admitted to hospital for a full work up - psychiatric and neurological. If that weight loss figure is accurate, her doctors will also want to exclude cancer. If you're in touch with your brother, you need to get through to him how much risk he is taking with *her* basic welfare.
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My mother has been through a lot the last year . Her mother passed away and my father her husband passed away suddenly 4 months after her mothers passing . It was a shock for all of us . I am still trying to grieve but my sibling and I have been taking care of my mother . I have help her with all legal and financial issues since my father passing . My mother has never has to playbills so I created a spreadsheet and help her figure out what is due and when. She get a nice pension and social security from my dad. My mother has always been a loving kind woman . But she has changed drastically in away unimaginable.. A few months after my dad passing she started disappearing not coming home , pretending her car broke down a few times out of he week . She doesn't answer her phone she fears some one is watching her . She went out of town to visit her sibling she had an episode there where she disappeared her sibling could not find her . My mother called my brother from some ones phone and told her some one was chasing her and trying to attack her .. He drove 10000 mile to find her . She was walking the streets .. My brother finally got a call from a hospital and she was severely dehydrated and they had to hold her down to help her .. She was in hospital for 3 days . When she got back her hair was dyed to a drastic color and she had cut it really short. Normally she would not do that . When she got back to her home she started disappearing again so my sibling and I were very worried about her and called 911 to report her missing . A day later they found her driving and pulled her over . She constantly thinking people are following her trying to hurt her . She has been through at least 20 phones because she breaks them because she thinks someone is watching her.
She told me a story about some man she though possed her and that's why she is being hateful...
She was telling one of my sibling that they were the devil because they gave our father CPR.. She started putting garlic all over my sibling room . She would pick random fights with her.. I think she even used to put something in my sibling food she was really sick for a while . She finally had to move my sibling could no longer stand the mental abuse. She says stories that my dads still alive.. Then my mother started threating us that she was going to get us all fired from out jobs she started saying horrible thing . it is so very sad We love out mother . But we offered to take her to consoler, doctor or a priest ..She gets really angry, and say she doesn't need to go . She lost 100 pounds in a matter of a few months she hardly eats she stays up all out cleaning the house. She also says in the dark , she doesn't like the lights on or windows open . We buy her cloths and food .. She throws it away. Recently my sibling and I went to go visit her . She look dehydrated and stressed we told her to site down and have some water . She was ok for a short while . Then she started saying horrible things that we were going to died of heart dieses calling us horrible names. We told her we are leaving and she needs to get some rest and we love her.. She started to attack myself pulling my hair and punching my face repeatedly .. I was in total shock that she was doing this to me .. She never as physical when I was a child . My sister and I yelled stop mom .. She kept on hitting , knocked me on the floor tried to break my phone .. My sister tried to help my mother bite her twice ... We tried to get in the care she jumped in .. She was punching my sister and pulling her hair .. We finally got in the car and called 911 so my mom could get a mental evaluation.. The parametic and police came and my mother was yelling at police and ran away from them . They had to chase her . It was a horrible situation . My mother then started telling police that we jumped her and she had black eyes . We were in shock :( The police told her that she didn't have any injuring . Then the police asked us if we wanted to press charges we said no just want her to get evaluated. They took my mother to the hospital , but then she didn't want to be there anymore so she had my brother pick her up .. The next day she went to the police station to add more information to the report and then the tried to file a restraining order on both my sister and I .. Gosh this has been so sad my mother is putting us through such a hard time .. We had to go to court and I would not believe the things she was saying about us it was so sad and hurtful She was accusing us of so many thing, saying we tell her she an awful mother . We have never ever said that we love out mother so much .. We had out aunts and uncle go to support us they were very sad how our mother as being . She did a strange thing in court she was wearing a very short black dress( she never wears cloths like that ) Then we had a 15 min break and she changed to a red dress.. We thought that was odd.. The judge denied her restraining order and told her she could be in charge of battery . He told my mother that she is to stay 100 yards away from our work and cant not harass us in any way.. the judge asked us how long we want the order for.. We told him all we want is my mom to get some kind of help we are worried about her .. Its so sad this is all happening we were all so very close , we used to have mother daughter spa days , lunch and shopping .. Its so sad it like we have lost both parents .. My mother and my brother have been living in hotels for a month. The mortgage company called me that my mother hasn't made a payment in 3 months she is close to foreclosure.. I'm getting calls from bill collectors that the not paying her accounts . I'm so worried about her . Found out today by a friend that she talked to relator to sell the house . My sister want to try and buy it before it forecloses.. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and I want to help her but she makes it so hard . Does anyone have any suggestions ? I have been praying and praying for some kind of help for my mom ... Does any one have any suggestions
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Me again. I can relate to so much people have said on this question. Mom and Dad haven't had the best marriage in long time. Recently Dad told me I know your mother loves me but she doesn't show it. Mom took care of clothes and food for us kids but never did show much of affection or tell us positive things. Would say things like I don't brag about my kids to anyone - they'll just go and do something bad anyway. Recently screamed that your dad only pays attention to you kids. He doesn't pay attention to me. This is not true. And Mom often berates Dad for spilling things or wetting himself. We know they both have a rough life now - Mom has bad arthritis in one hip - and thats why we're there to help and show our love. The more we do the more she complains - about our cooking or how we do something different from her way like cutting up the leaf lettuce after washing instead of leaving whole. She complained about that last one for weeks! She complained when I dusted all her shelves of items and didn't put all back in exact original spot. So I no longer dust, except Dad's room or maybe the TV. When she said something about dusting, I said O you have such a special way of doing that, better that it's one of the things you do yourself. She said didn't want home care person to cook for them. So I don't cook when I come evening after home care is there. If she says anything, I will say that's one of Lisa's jobs for the day. Mom said she'd like regualar housecleaning so I said I'd be happy to look into it, but she said she wanted to do that. over three weeks now and no housecleaning. So I clean up the kitchen and Dad's bathroom and laundry when there but letting her figure it out as she wished. Home Care does vaccuum Da';s bedroom and living room as I requested as light housekeeping and to keep dust down due to Dad's COPD. Twice a week would be best but Mom fussed about that, even after I and other sibs explained reason several times. We can't be there to monitor when at she tells her to do or not to do (tho one of use checks in weekly). I am trying to choose my battles so I can be mentally healthy and maybe Mom will realize she can't complain and get her way all the time. Last week, when I'd been there 2 days and was planning to leave as usual by 9 am, she asked me to take her to get bloodwork done, which the doc had ordered 3 weeks before but whne I suggested it, she never wanted to go. I said I'd be happy to take her when I come next week.
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My boyfriend gently pointed out that not only was I reporting bad days taking care of Dad with dementia and mean Mom but was still talking, reacting days later. He's been a good listener and has shared some good ideas with me, some of which I've taken to heart. Example: Mom sticks up for brother who is verbally abusive and threatening to sisters, even her and Dad at times. He hides my things that I have left at parents or a wall plaque I'd given to Dad, just to annoy me. When ask Mom where is ___, she just says I dont know. I try not to sink to their level with yellng so I wrote a note to this sib, stating the plaque was a gift to Dad and I want it back. He happened to come over while I was there so I noticed the note gone but he hadn't said anything. So I calmly repeated what the note had said. He said I don't like that thing. So I said I want it back, or the $15 and Id get another one. He said he'd give me the $15 and if I bought another, that one would disapear too. He is very much against having a home care person in the home twice a week for four hours, which I arranged and that is one reason he is so mean to me, I know. Other reasons are unknown but that doesn't matter. My mom has yelled at me- I know you hate coming here. I just repeat I'm here to see you and Dad and to help out. She does think since I'm retired I should be a dutiful daughter and be here much more than a late afternoon over nite thru day thru morning each week. I feel I am doing fine for them. She doesn't like having outsiders for help either. When she complains, I tell her we love them and want to help but we need outside help to do it all. Another sib said we can be there a lot in an acute situation like if someone is in hospital but can't maintain that level indefinitely. A sib is there every evening thru next noon and some days all day. So the two days of home care does help a lot. Brother has disappeared w/o warning from care for weeks and months at a time so we need to keep up extra help for when he's gone or someone is ill or takes a vacation. And just because we need the help.
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Dear Confusedzoz- I was reading your post and it reminded me of exactly how my mother is ( age 78) She has been diagnosed with dementia but is in denial. She had a stroke in 2014, and we had to move her in with us. We were told not to give her advil, since the NSAIDs make the brain seep and can cause brain bleeds. I notice my mother has good days and bad days. She is even combative, in her dismissive way. Belittling me at a luncheon,complaining about a server, being upset about me making decisions for her, etc. Most of the time she sits in front of the TV and does nothing.When I do try to take her somewhere, she takes forever getting ready, and it is upsetting being late or in a rush constantly because she has no concept of punctuality! I don't know what to do, but I can't live with her anymore. I have told her she needs to find a senior facility, but she won't move out. She has the finances to live in a facility, but she won't initiate the search. I tried but it ended up a huge battle and I looked like I was forcing my mother to move. She needs to be in a better place where she can make friends and be with people her age with similar likes. It is sad to see her just vegging in front of the TV day after day.
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Anyone have a mom with homicidal fantasies due to taking venlafaxine??? I finally weaned her off of it and she is doing much better. The only meds she is on are blood pressure twice daily, insulin at bedtime and baby aspirin. But now I see her Alzheimer symptoms more clearly..the sundowning, the repeating, the focusing on one thing and getting agitated....but she goes in and out of it. Dr appointment coming up in two days..she will be checked for a urinary tract infection as well...
Best to all--
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My mother is 84 and has terrible bouts of anger. She lost my father 2 years ago and my sister in law took her by force to the hospital psych ward for 3 days. She was being hateful and argumentative. She hates my sister in law now and my brother refuses to have anything to do with her. We have not seen him for 2 years. My mom decided to sell the farm and my brother was extremely upset. My mom insists that my sister in law tried to poison her and messed with her medication. We did manage to take her to a psycharist and he took her off all her depression meds. She says she feels better but she has horrible temper episodes. She hates everybody not just my sister in law. We are all after her money according to her and people at church dont like her and thinks she is crazy. All she wants to do is to talk about my sister in law and brother and how we dont understand why she is so upset. She has no interest in life and only goes out of the house to shop for groceries. My sister is to the point that she no longer wants to visit mom. We took her to Kohls for shop and she threw a fit that my sister went to the Amherst store. The manager there was not nice to my when she returned something and now she wont set foot in the store and my sister tried to take her there on purpose. She is really out of control. When she looses it she is upset for weeks. She is reallhy getting on all of my siblings nerves. She lets us have it too on occation if we dont do as she wants us to do. I can relate to the other people telling of their ageing parents and their anger issues. Mom has not been diagonised with anything but she has something. Karen in Elyria
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don't wait, say you're taking her to grocery and instead go to the dr and have her seen. There are medicines that can help the nasty behavior. We had to get them for my mom. When she got sick I packed her a back and told her just until she felt better it was too hard for me to go back and forth, but I knew she was never going home and she now lives with us. But its not easy either
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