Hi all, new here as a poster, been a lurker for years. I have cared for my mom, although she has been in care homes, for 10 years. She has dementia and turns 95 next week. She has been without most of her faculties for about 2 years. The only thing that kept her going is the reflexive eating via spoon feeding. Two weeks ago she finally stopped accepting food.
While I love hospice and she is in a lovely care home I am just wondering how many of you grow tired of well meaning professionals who have no idea who you are or who your mom was. What has exhausted me more than anything is managing the cast of ‘helpers’. I won’t even start here with issue of feeding. My mother would have abhorred being spoon fed, but of course it is the mandate of care homes.
Anyway here I sit at her bedside, hour after hour. Waiting for a compassionate release for her. She has not eaten for 10 days and other than the dementia she has no other health problems. Not really asking a question just reaching to those of you with similar experience.
thanks for listening.

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In my Moms instance it was my nephew visiting that allowed her to pass. He suffers from disabilities and was living with her. She worried about him even in her early stages of Dementia. He was the last one to say goodbye. The rest of the family had been there during the week. The RN told me she sees it all the time. When a patient seems to linger, the RN would ask if there was someone who hadn't been there. If it was someone out of state, she would tell the family to call that person and over the phone tell the patient goodbye. Sometimes you need to tell them its OK to go that everyone will be fine. Another phrase I have heard is "give them permission to go" That they will see there loved ones that have passed. We left my Mom at 1:30 and she was pronounced dead at 1:50. Thats when the RN checked on her so she may have passed shortly after we left. I had also sang her favorite hymn she wanted played at her funeral.

Two weeks before Mom passed she closed her eyes and would not get out of bed. A week later she lost her ability to swallow so Hospice was called in. She passed 6 days later. The comfort in it all was Mom knew where she was going after death. I know she is whole, pain free and with her family who passed before her.

I am so sorry your mother and you are going through this. This stage is very hard on you and family and friends. I do think it's getting easier for her as she prepares for her final journey. I understand you want to protect her dignity regarding the spoon feeding. Upholding my mom's dignity was paramount to me too.

Be easy on you. Tell her all the things you've wanted to say. Ask her, if she's awake, if there's anything she'd like to say or tell to family members or friends. Surround her with photos of family and dear friends. Read her favorite books.

Give her alone time. Many people do not pass until they are alone.

I had "easy" when it came to my mom's passing. While she was sinking in her health and slept in a hospital bed in the living room, hospice, based on her vitals, thought she'd last for many months. One day, after a rousing game of Rummy with me and my two sisters, I put her to bed and she never woke up. She passed three days later.

I hope peace come to your mother and to you. *hugs to you*

So sorry for all of your pain. So many years of loss, for you and for your Mom, with your witnessing it all in your rational mind.
I was one of the caregivers, a nurse my entire career. In hospitals for me, but most care is for elders as the young leave hospitals quickly. Retired now many years but I so loved my work.
Sitting this vigil is difficult. I hope that Mom is in hospice and you are getting good help with dealing with what you both are enduring: at least some solid advice and information. If your Mom is still accepting even minimal fluids this can prolong the process considerably, often around a month. If she is currently not accepting food or fluid you may be near the end.
One might think that there is a sort of a "relief" ahead in that you have done the best you could, and that your Mom is released from further loss and suffering, but that may not be the case. Your life has been tightly bound to her in these years. The loss will be difficult and I have no answer but time's healing.
Again, I am so sorry for all you are both going through.

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