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Mom just had annual physical needed to stay in IL. She should have been in AL least a year ago but refused to go. The doctor said he cannot clear her to remain in IL because of her dementia which is so bad now she couldn't even answer simple questions like the month of the year. The IL facility just called and informed me she cannot stay but are willing to give me time to make arrangements. We're not telling Mom until the day she is to be moved. If she knows ahead of time she will freak out and make herself sick and obsess and drive everyone crazy. This is really horrible. I hate doing it this way, getting a room set up for her and then just telling her and putting her in the car and taking her to a new place. If only she wasn't beyond the point where she can be reasoned with and explaining anything - she will forget what I said in 5 minutes and half the time I think she doesn't comprehend what is said to her anyway. I hope the doctor will prescribe tranquilizers for the transition. Any suggestions?

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Thanks everyone for your moral support and good advice. Yes, we will get tranquilizers - she will need them - so will we! I would never have thought that going to visit her right away would be upsetting but it makes sense. Its a little like dropping off your 3 year old at daycare. If you stick around, the kid will cry as long as he can see you, right? But leave and the tears stop and he starts playing. I would never tell Mom ahead of time. I pray my sister doesn't and hope she will accept that it would be better not to hang around making the adjustment more difficult for her. Sis has felt this strong need to tell the truth when Mom doesn't need to know something and it ends up upsetting her. Mom only remembers bad things or part of bad things, fills in the rest with her fears and obsessions, but mostly she doesn't understand or remember most of what is said 3 minutes later - but she would remember being told she has to move. I guess its the Alzheimers that causes her to obsess like that, writes notes all over to herself, calls us, has an anxiety attack. I am going to put in writing to my children that should I become mentally deficient and unhappy, that I give them permission to move me somewhere and put me on anti-depressants. Horrible thought we all have to die, but we don't have to spend the last years in a state of depression and thoroughly miserable. Depression is pain, only mental pain, and no one would choose to die in terrible physical pain when there is medication to relieve it.
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"Quilts"...uugghh...typo. If there is a way to edit a post, will someone please message me?
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Sorry, I meant to add that mom is one to obsess about things like yours. She used to freak out for a week before a Dr's appointment. We aren't going to tell her until the day of the move. I probably wouldn't say anything until the last minute. Give her something to calm her...make sure you can stay with her throughout the day. I did that with mom's first move, and I think it helped a lot. I had a meal with her and promised her that I would be back in the morning. I had went in and hung her personal family pictures on the walls, moved some of her furniture, put one of her favorite quits on the bed, so she had some familiar items to see when she got there.
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Hi there, I feel for you. It is the "not knowing" that is the worst. My mother is in assisted living. She is in a facility that also has a memory care unit. Mom has went downhill very quickly and needs to move to the memory care unit. There are no beds available at this time (she is first in line). I've been lucky, they are giving me time. They actually had a meeting, with the administrator, regarding her care-plan. There are a couple of empty rooms on her hallway, and the state dictates the nurse/aide to patient/resident ratio. As long as those rooms remain empty, we are good. (Also, mom is still private pay, so in the big scheme of things, they may be more lenient with her--plus I'm over there every other day, if not everyday. I still do her laundry and clean her room)
I have a fear that those rooms will fill up. We already have a mat on the floor due to her rolling out of bed, and her chair alarm is being delivered today!! So recently, it has been one thing after another.
I wish you well, and good luck. It is hard not knowing if they will have to move due to their health. We never know what each day will bring.
My back up plan it to hire someone short term to go in if she requires more care than the aides and myself can give.
Keep us posted on everything!!!
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With a surprise move like this, she will definitely need anti-anxiety meds. With our mom, we made sure all her furniture was in the new room by the time she got there. You may need a mild anti-depressant as well. Do NOT go there for two weeks, allow the staff time to settle her in. If you go there, you will see tantrums. Deprive her of her audience, trust me.
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this is hard to do but your heart is in the right place, when we see others go through this its something we don't think about, but when the time comes for us its hard. Like someone said its best to wait until its close to time, because she won't understand at first and may think you're being mean. And once you get her in a facility stay away for a few days and then visit, and maybe by then she will be settle in and welcome you to her new home. Prays to you and it will work out.
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Wow, I'm amazed the facility requires an annual physical. My mom has been in IL here in IL (Illinois - I know it's confusing with all of these abbreviations) and she's never been tested in 13 years. As long as we pay, they're happy she's there. I have people coming in twice a day to give her her medications, but otherwise, she's on her own. She doesn't go down to meals any more, I bring her food and she can heat it up in her microwave.

If she had to pass a test about what day or year it is, she'd fail miserably (she has no short-term memory). But she's perfectly capable to be on her own. Good luck with getting your mom into AL.
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Sounds like you are getting it worked out. AL seems right. I am waiting for a placement for my mother too, and it is a bit nerve wracking. Fortunately she wants to go which helps, though I know she will be unhappy a few months after she gets there. Hope it all goes well. Keep us posted.
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Hang in there, AmyGrace. As others have said, you're doing the right thing, and it sounds like you've got all your ducks in a row, so to speak.
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News to date. The AL we picked has no openings but we are at the top of the list so Mom gets the next room. IL has agreed to give us some time and I'll talk to them again tomorrow. The other AL has an opening but is more than we can afford and is miles away from family. Its frustrating, the waiting, not knowing what or when. Mom is not ready for NH yet according to the doctor or to us. She is fiercely independent. Unassisted, she can get herself up, dressed, make her bed, make coffee, get around with a cane, get up the stairs to the beauty salon and to the restaurant on her own. If she were in a NH with people totally out of it or totally disabled she would throw a fit, hate it and they would have to sedate her heavily to keep her there. It would kill her will to live.
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As a thought, Remeron is a pretty good med for anxiety with miminal issues. It's an old school med & low cost too.

Also perhaps look for NH for mom as well as AL. If mom is the noncompliant type and not much on being a team player, she may not be a good fit for an AL. Often AL in addition to their bring able to do their ADLs with minimal assistance also expect them to participate in social functions or group activities. You don't want to find yourself 3 months from now getting a letter stating that mom needs a higher or different level of care than what they provide & having to do this all over again. I moved my mom from IL to NH and totally bypassed the AL phase. It can be done but you are going to need an MD to work with you on this. For my mom, it was every 4 - 6 weeks of visits to a gerontologist and the appointment that she had a 10 % weight loss & a bad H&H lab result & changed her Exelon to patch delivery, he wrote the orders for skilled nursing needed. So she was good for NH admission & bypassed AL.

Btw the old IL was a tiered facility - went from IL to AL to NH & a hospice wing. Medicaid only for NH part. The medical director of it would not sign off for mom to be ok for NH. Even though her gerontologist hadvwritten orders. It was his opinion that mom was AL which was only private pay. He was adamant that no NH needed. I do think there was a profit motive in all this. Lots of "the AL is just a bit more than IL" & you have $$ and don't want your mom to be around those medicaid poor jabs by staff.
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Be good to yourself. Get a massage if you can. And get a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate mom. I've never had antidepressants make me dizzy (I was on Zoloft for several years a while back) and my mom has not had dizziness or unsteadiness from the two that she's on. And remember that you can only do so much for a person of your mom's personality type.
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Amy, you're doing the right thing, you will ALL get through this. Give yourself time to get over this hurdle. If you have supportive family/friends, let them pick up some slack for a day or two, and allow yourself to decompress. Moments like this are necessary to handle, but they can take a lot out of us, so be kind to yourself as well.
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It is an awful thing to go through, for all of us. Tomorrow I start my search, phone calls, negotiation, etc. I have a place picked out and application is already in, but might have to wait for a room. I am not happy with the doctor's office for faxing the form to the IL facility when doctor agreed they would hold it to give me a chance to make arrangements! No, Mom is not on antidepressants because she is in IL and she is not responsible for taking medications on her own. (she refuses to let an aide help her) Anyway, antidepressants or tranquilizers could make her a little dizzy and she is already unsteady (which is why she has needed AL for several years) We will just have to give her a tranquilizer before we tell her, move her and the AL facility can continue until she calms down. I feel sorry for them because she is going to be very difficult. She has never been a person you could reason with, or tell anything. If you say, don't do this, she has always gone ahead and did it anyway.
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If I knew "then" what I know now....I first started looking into all of the Elder care "stuff" when my mom was already ill. My synagogue sponsored a "lunch and learn" about caring for elderly parents. It was at that brief session that I found out that you can refuse to have a person discharged if you don't think there is adequate care set up. Sorry to go off topic.
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This example makes a very good case for finding a facility with continuum of care when even placing our loved ones in independent living. We are shopping facilities with AL (for L), memory care for Mom, and skilled nursing as one of them is likely to need it down the road. Don't know when it will all happen but we are ready if it becomes necessary.
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You are doing the right thing! Is she already on antidepressant and anti anxiety meds ? Yes, the doctor should start her on something to ease her agitation and anxiety. Yes, you're doing for your mom what she did for you when you were young...kept you safe.
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When my mother had to switch rehabs, she was very upset. I had been visiting her every day prior to the move. The day my mother was taken to the new rehab, she told me she was there against her will and it was like a horrible nightmare. I spoke to the social worker and she suggested I stay away for a few days so my mother could settle down in the new place. I wish someone had told me that prior to my mother getting so upset. As it turned out, she did settle down and ended up being very complimentary of the rehab. But that first day she was ranting about moving back to her old town 600 miles away. I could have saved myself the aggravation of listening to her rant and rave had I known it was okay to give her time to adjust.
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I can only suggest that your mantra over the coming weeks should be "I am going the right thing. I am doing the right thing..."

This has to be done. Please don't make it any harder than it has to be by second-guessing yourself or feeling guilty. You are doing the right thing. And it is Not Your Fault.
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