Mom has terminal cancer and isn't sick yet, but I want her to pass before she is in pain. Does anyone else feel this way?

I too am awaiting a phone call. I try to visit twice a week, call daily to talk to her, she has late stage alzheimers with a feeding tube for food. Please don't feel guilty about having mixed feelings about her imminent death. With cancer, there may or may not be in pain, depending on the diagnosis. If you can, just spend some quality time with her when possibie, even calling her, talking about your life, kids, whatever, sharing your life with hers is great. She also may have lots of things she would want to talk to you about. Talk about the life shes had, the fun times you had together, and that she should never fear death. Get some books on the subject about the dying process, maybe by Dr. kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying, and a book about Afterlife for you to read. I found this book comforting and helpful in understanding what my mom is going through and the mixed feelings I am having. Get in touch with Hospice (they have good reading material) for yourself. Just make sure that she has proper pain control medication so that she does not suffer. You will always have mixed feelings about seeing your mom suffer and wanting her to have relief. I am exactly at that point now, but I realize it is not within my control now,. Try and make new memories of her, with conversations, visits and spend quality time with her. Knowing that she is loved and that you gave her that should alleviate any guilt that you may have since you gave all that you could to her. Recognize that You are in the process of losing a loved one, and there are different phases of loss that you will experience.
I hope this helps.
-H

It can be hard to know when you really need to - or can - take over. Usually the finances or the schedule or the clutter whatever has to get into a significant mess before the person will even think about accepting any help. You may be able to get her to adjust to the idea that you can't just be there without advance planning and its not because you are a bad, neglectful person, but it may take time. Its funny what people assume, especialy when their judgement is not all that good.

I have to remember that she really is not thinking straight. There are times where she seems right on and then there are other times that she is totally confused. I never know which corner she is coming out of or where she is going...we walk on egg shells. I can not have a discussion with her..it always ends up in an argument...cause it is NEVER on her...NEVER. I think deep down she knows it is but will not admit it. Or just say ok I will try to let you know ahead of time or write it on the calender. It is always "I told you..you just do not listen or you did not hear me...you were busy." I have been through this so many times and it is getting old. I have always been able to accommodate her...but I knew the day would come that I could not. I am mad at myself for betting so angry about such a stupid thing. She does not want me in charge and so the saga continues of me trying to do what needs to be done...I guess I will just do it...damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead. I hate confrontation. It is so upsetting...Oh well....

Stuck, that's me too. As I read the comments, I can't believe how we are all on the same page. We are all experiencing the same emotional feelings and thoughts. I had to quit my job at the same time the lease on my jeep came to an end to take care of my mom with Dementia 24/7. We live on her SSI and a meezly retirement. My mom has always been a strong willed women and on the hateful side. Being her one and only daughter, you would think that I would be adored. That was just my hearts fantasy. Now here I am taking care of a mother who struggles with me constantly. She undoes everything I try to do for her. She is making me CRAZY! We are shutins without a car. I get a ride to get groceries once a month and sometimes I go visit the neighbor in the evening after I give her Trazadone to keep her calm. I don't want to get bitter. I know it won't be forever but I get really tired of doing. It's a thankless job. May we caregivers be blessed big time now in 2011. Happy New Year Dear Ones.............:) Lola

Dear "does anyone else feel this way";
I think (if your heart is pure) that you are being totally human and logical.The sad fact is tho that it feels heartless to be logical in these situations. we want the best and most painless path for our loved ones huh?Well I will say I have witnessed the prolonged illnesses of some and know, no pain,no suffering is ever wasted in our lives. The one who suffers speaks to the world that we are weak and frail.I believe this is a place where God can show them and their loved ones how strong He really is.Mabey this will be a place where you can grow and find peace.Also,don't forget to rejoice in the deepth of love you have for your loved one.It is worth celebrating!

Dear miss stuck;wow what a sacrifice that you have given up! I just recently gave up a hire positon as mangr in a salon and an opportunity to be closer to my son out of town.I don't hold my mom responsible for this choice,but boy do I get the battles as you that go w/the care we give.Please seek support from your local church.Mabey consider the senior opptions availible to you.You are keeping the cost off of the government so get what is afforded you. I you can go to a grp. you can find at a church, or support setting and HAVE SOME FUN! Go easy breath deep,and treat yourslf to a night out.

Hi Folks -

I think we are writing of different types of parents:

A) The parent who has been a loving constant who is now in need of care due to their declining physical and mental states. While one feels overwhelmed with caretaking, wrestles with mixed emotions re: the toll it takes on them and us, the peaks and valleys so to speak - if the parent shows some spark of appreciation, just a little can sustain you. Certainly, moments of utter exhaustion, frustration, burn-out, emotional melt downs on your part will occur. But somehow, folks seem able to regroup and march on. Are these the parents that folks reflect that they felt it was a gift to be able to care for them during their declining years?

B) The parent that is now difficult, shows no comprehension re: how tough you have it as a caretaker and sees oneself as the victim. They have been good parents in their own way to us but the difficult nature of them now is overshadowing any good of the past. One's resentment can darken any psitives of the past (and remind us of past negatives). The resentment smoulders and you just want freedom from your own negative feelings - one wants to be put out of their misery. This is my situation. My mother has been a good mother in many ways. I don't mean to now paint her as totally negative but ... the times they are trying at this point. I try to keep things in perspective re: age and infirmities but ....

C) The difficult parent who has always been difficult. That finds fault with you, that has no appreciation for your sacrifices, that crushes the life out of you.

What other types of parents are there?

I am very appreciative for this site. Thank you for the feedback you have given me.

Folks - hang in there!!!

You put that quite well SnuBiz...Mine is also a B type of parent. Sometimes I feel like the ones that have the A type just do not understand and think that we should be joyful to be caring for our parent. Well, I wish it were that way...just isn't. My Mother has sucked the life and money out of 3 men and now it is my husbands and my turn. Since she had to have her nails done and missed her PT appointment she rescheduled for today...again....in conflict with my appointment...I asked her to call and try to reschedule hers...she says she tried but was not able to...I don't believe her. So today I get to come to work...wait for an employee to come in and then tell him that he is fired and then go home and get her to take her to her appointment ...drive back to work..go to my appointment and drive back home...thank goodness my husband can pick her up..oh yeah...we change cars somewhere in there as she can't get in my husband's truck. Yeah...I am irritated.

I feel the same way sometimes. It is the stress of waiting. My mom lives upstairs of us and we are always on pins and needles going upstairs because you never know what you might find. It would in some respects be a relief not to be responsible to take care of her and be able to focus on my own family. But I love her and hope she is around for a long time even though it takes its toll. You are not alone. Hang in there and just thank God you still have her. Take care of yourself first so you can be there for her. Your heart will guide you and don't feel guilty. We are all human and we sometimes have these thoughts. Good Luck.

Thanks again everyone for your support, its appreciated! Lately all I do is fight with her! About money and her meds. She told me today that i would be happier if she was dead! No, alot less stressed but not happier. I don't know what the solution is at this point. She really can't afford to live where she is at any longer, the state is not providing enough help financially. I can't have her move in with us, i would end up crazy!! So i am at a loss of what to do anymore with her!! i am thinking the end must be near though because i argued like this with my father the two weeks before he passed almost 11 years ago.

Thank you for writing this ~ it is so good to know that my feelings are shared but others!