Follow
Share

When Mother moved in, in November '09, she just started taking to her bad, and now almost never leaves it. She has arthritis and some breathing issues, but is in reasonably good shape. All the same, she's bored but rejects most of my ideas. She does not care for people her own age, or making crafts, or joining a group of any size, or going to church. She has only one or two friends, who are often busy. She always loved to fuss over her own house and doesn't understand why I don't (which is another issue), but isn't in shape to get up and do anything.
In truth Mother isn't in shape to do much of anything, I get her her food, empty her toilet, help her find her glasses. I try not to go out because it's not fair to Mother just to leave her at home, but she seldom wants to get out much anymore, except to go shopping. That's the only thing that seems to give her pleasure, buying pretty things. She'd been considerably more wealthy in her youth and always enjoyed buying things for my father, us children, and herself; our house is cluttered with lots of little pretty things. Now her money is long gone, and her Social Security usually spent by the first week on jewelry or pillows or dog treats or overtipping the hairdresser.
I offer to take her on errands with me, but Mother's not interested in the grocery store or the hardware store, or even just going down to the park. (It is hard for her to walk). Riding around makes her tired. Everything else is too far for her. If it's not shopping, or eating out she's not interested. At the same time I ask, and wait, to see what Mother would like to do, take her out for breakfast, or get a little gift for a friend, or check out some sale, and more often than not she just lets it go, sleeping most of the day, then saying she's bored. She does watch TV or read, but it's still not the same.
I've given up asking her to come to church, or join my discussion group--she HATES groups. At the same time I've let my own friendships dwindle because it's not fair to Mother my just going off without her, especially in things she's not interested in. So I try to stay home, and we both get cabin fever.
There's more to it, but I'm tired of hearing myself complain. Anyone have a parent like that, they don't want to do anything, but don't want you to go off either?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
I feel like I just wrote that :(
(0)
Report

shed probably dig my new beer mug. 35 years after serving in the army a neighbor gives me a beer mug with my old army divisions logo on it. i mean thats phil donahue shit there.. it warms the freakin heart..
(2)
Report

i dont care for groups either, i dont think thats quirky at all. the things in life she enjoys and has the energy for ARE diminishing. i suppose thats the suckinest thing about old age and frailty. hope she can find something interesting to do, you certainly cant be expected to make her life fullfilling. only the individual can create dreams and objectives.
(0)
Report

First of all, has your mom been checked for depression? That's the first thought that comes to my mind. Secondly, has she had a good physical work-up? My mom's thyroid had stopped working and she had zero energy. She'd cry all of the time, not get dressed and just want to sit there. Once I found out that was the issue, we got her started on thyroid meds and she's back to her old self.

My mom, like yours, isn't into group activities, but she's very content reading and puttering around on her own. She lives in independent living and I take care of all of her needs from food to laundry to meds, and doctor's visits. I'm very lucky in that my mom wants me to have a life of my own and wants me to go out and have fun. I think you can't stop your life because you're trying to rescue your mom. Do the best you can to offer options, which you've done, but keep up your life and your friendships. You don't owe your mom your happiness. Being miserable yourself isn't helping her to be happier.
(2)
Report

Look at it this way... Your Mom's body is not what it used to be and EVERYTHING takes so much more energy and her body aches when she moves. Perhaps it is time to consider a walker or walker with a seat so she can sit down when she gets tired.

You also need to care for yourself. Are there other family members who can step up and give you weekly reprieve? If not, consider hiring a caregiver to do so. Neglecting your own needs/well-being may result in bitterness and greater angst.
(1)
Report

Thanks. Mother turns 81 this November, she's outlived both parents. As for 10 more years it's not something I look forward to, and everyday I try to tell myself I can do it.
(0)
Report

Let the guilt go.. You need to live your own life. It is her choice not to come with you.

You didn't say how old your Mom is but she could be with you for a long while. Do you want to stay in for another 10+ yrs.

Just think my Mom's 91 and has been with me 12 yrs. She doesn't want to do any activities either, off I go when I can and try my hardest to leave guilt behind.
(1)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.