My mom died today.

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Hello all. Some of you may remember not too long ago I asked for (and received) help because my mom was becoming agitated after eating. Well, the hospice team had actually cut back on visiting because they didn't think she was close to the end and thought the family dr had jumped the gun referring her. The visited a week ago and said she was doing great, good color etc... Mom was drinking lots and eating well. She even requested salmon for dinner yesterday and she had periods where her speech was quite understandable.

Then today. She slept all morning (not unusual), has some noisy breathing (not ususual), I sat her up and she coughed up some mucus (not unusual) and her breathing became quiet again. I prepared dinner and she ate most of it and drank a glass of milk. I changed her and noticed her legs and thighs were mottled (not usual but I was thinking we still had months and it didn't raise the alarm in my head). I went to clean the dishes and when I came back she looked a little strange. I couldn't wake her and her pulse was so weak. Her mouth opened, she leaned back and she was gone. It was peaceful and quick. I'm in the kitchen right now typing this as the undertaker removes her body. I'm all over emotionally and feel very guilty that I missed something and then angry that hospice missed this and then so achingly sad that she was dying and I never knew. I could have told her just how much she meant to me had I known. And it's probably laughable but I get worried that I brought on death by feeding her. Maybe the blood rushing to digest diverted it from her weakening heart and it gave out.

Anyway, thank you all for helping. I felt so alone when I came here and your replies and messages kept me going.

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BDSP37 I am so sorry for Your sad Loss. Your Mom knew You Loved Her because You Cared for Her, and Your Mom knew She could always count on You. Indeed I know the great pain You are felling right now as My own Mother passed away in mid June. Sadly none of Us are ever ready for death because it creeps up on Us long before We expect it. I questioned Myself many times, " if I had done this, or should I have done some thing else instead...and I stopped all of that nonsense as I know that We did Our best. Be thankful Your dear Mom did not suffer, as She had a beautiful peaceful painless death. Give Yourself plenty time to heal BDSP and take Your time, but please come back to this wonderful Site again, since You have a wealth of experience to help many more Caregivers Who kneed advice and encouragement. I know that I would not have been able to Care for My own Mother had it not been for Aging Care . Com.
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I am so sorry. Sometimes in their last days it can be like they're feeling better. It is like they are sampling a little bit more of the life that they will be leaving here. The day my father died at the hospital, he ate a big turkey sandwich and drank all of a strawberry Insure. It was more than he had eaten in a long time. Right after he ate he went into the final hour of breathing as his lung filled. I don't think it had to do with the meal. It was just the final surge that he was going through. I am so glad that he got to enjoy the turkey sandwich before he left. My father was ready to leave his life here on earth. He passed peacefully.

I am glad to read that your mother also got to enjoy a little bit more of life before it was her time to cross over. We can never predict exactly when it will be. We just have to make them as comfortable as possible while they are still here.
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BPSP - your mother knew you loved her - it showed even here when you asked for help to try and address her agitation. Please don't feel guilty over the meals - things happen in their own time. My sincere sympathies.
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Oh I know how this hurts!
I know how much harder it is when you really didn't expect it
I know the self doubts that follow....why didn't I know? Why didn't I stay and sit with her? Could I have don't something? Did I do something?

Oh I know. My Dad passed one month ago. Very similar. I thought we still had months. When I put him to bed that last night, why didn't I stay and listen to him. He told me the air concentrator was trying to kill him...should I have pay attention and not just assumed it was dementia talking?

I know the pain and self doubts. You have all my sympathy. *hugs*.

But, take comfort in this...she died at home with her loved ones with her. Her last days could have been ever so much worse....she died in peace and comfort that you made possible for her.

You will come to your own peace with this. But, never doubt her passing was made so much more peaceful because of your loving attentions.
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Oh, I'm so sorry, BD. It sounds upsetting indeed. My condolences.
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BDSP37,
I'd like to say how sorry I am on the loss of your mom.

Please do NOT feel guilty. You did not "miss" anything. Today was her departing day, prearranged by God. There would have been nothing you could have done to change that. She had a very peaceful passing without severe pain or anxiety. That is a blessing, as many people aren't as fortunate.

Hospice nurses don't have a crystal ball and go on many "signs" to help them figure out when the departure day will be. As a hospice nurse, I have seen people hang on for many days longer than I thought they would. Conversely, I have seen patients pass in the blink of an eye, when I thought they would have held on longer. Usually a time frame can be given, but not always.

The sadness you feel is normal. I felt the same when the nurse called me at 5 am and told me my dad didn't have long and I arrived 5 minutes too late, after I had slept at the hospital for many nights.

Do not worry that you didn't tell her how you felt. She knew without words.

You did not "cause" your mother's death by feeding her. The blood rushing theory doesn't hold up. How wonderful she was able to enjoy eating (and of her choosing-salmon!)

If there was a near perfect passing, your mom had it. You were there with her, she was comfortable and she enjoyed a good meal just hours before passing.

I'm glad you were able to let out your previously held in pain by crying. You may have more episodes and they are cleansing and assist in the process of letting go.

Hopefully, your family and friends coming will be a good support system for you. Blessings to you and yours in the days ahead.
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Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry, it is so incredibly hard to lose your beloved Mom, especially when they are so young. I lost my own Dear Mom to the Dreaded Cancer at the age of 74, and it is devastating. You must know that you had nothing to do with her passing. You so obviously took such good care of her, and that she was still eating and enjoying your good cooking is a testament to your loving care!

Sometimes we just do not see the changes their bodies are going through and that too, is not necessarily a bad thing, as honestly, what could you have done differently? The good Lord felt it was her time, and honey, please know that it is far better for her to go peacefully, without the pain and long time suffering that often accompanies most cancers.

You are in a sort of shock right now, but your family will all be there soon to comfort you, and in the meantime, make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, and sit quietly and keep reading on here, call a friend, listen to music or watch your favoriteTV show, and relax for a while. Your body and mind need to calm down now, and please know that everything is going to be alright. I'll bet your Mom truly appreciated everything you did for her these last weeks and months, and you know that she is in a much better place now in Heaven and has received a Beautiful welcome and reunion with all of her loved ones who departed before her. It's us left behind that struggle with the sadness of missing them so much. In time, you will be able to focus on all of your wonderful memories you have of your Mom, its true, but it does take time. Please know that I and so many of your friends here on the AC site are thinking of you and again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You take care now! Stacey B
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Goodnight, take your vitamins.
So glad for you that you have Christine.
A few of us can be reached late-night on the 'Cargivers Behaving Badly' thread.
Gershun, Luckylu, Ms. Madge, Ali, and others, many reading, not posting.
See you all midnight to 3 a.m. Oh, and SharynMarie-she is very late-night.
Take care.....
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Here is something. It may be too soon, and there is time for this. But if anyone is spending the night with you, if anyone will be in your Mom's room, you might want to get some clean sheets out ahead of time. You don't have to change the sheets, or even go into Mom's room, but after talking late into the night, last minute clean sheets will be too much for you by then. I am sure you don't want to do any of this right now. ,I just looked outside and it is not as dark as I suspected, just the house was getting dark.
You can step outside, embrace the feel of the air, see the sky, then come back inside. I would be picking a flower from my garden in memory of Mom, but that is just me. The rain is gone-we even had some sunshine.
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My neighbor Christine has just come back with supplies to make some sandwiches for the visitors. I'll log off and get to work for a bit. The undertaker will be visiting soon to discuss funeral plans. I just showed Christine this thread and she said it's a little glimpse of all that's good in the world. Stay safe whatever your plans tonight.
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