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ff as long as you keep doing things for your parents they don't need a plan B.

I am asking you what your plan B is. Your plan A is to do what your parents ask you to do. I like the suggestion of telling them that you cannot do things for them any more and typing up a list of alternatives. As far as things like the eye drops, some pharmacies will send things by taxi. Payment can be arranged. I suspect your dad has no intention of driving, he is just pushing your buttons, If he is competent, he can make other arrangements.

Your health has suffered and is suffering. I know it well. So has/is mine and I keep at a distant arm's length. We, in our own interests, need to reduce the damage as much as possible. I am glad that you are milking this for all it is worth, Your parents, unlike some others, do have enough resources to hire the help that they need.

I hear the caution made above to take the time to heal or you will have lasting consequences to that shoulder. Take care of you!
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Yikes FF, sorry to hear your dad is being as stubborn as mine. Does he still have his license? Mine does--was hoping when he moved here they would make him take some kind of test to transfer it, but it was only vision and the lady "passed" him even though he had to keep switching eyes to read the letters :-(. Luckily he got well frightened the one time he tried making the left turn from our road onto the state highway, and has since voluntarily limited himself to driving up and down our (low traffic) road. Can you give local law enforcement an "anonymous tip" the next time he heads out?
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FeelingLost, how I wished my parents would move into a retirement community, there's a 5-star one not far from here that looks like a resort with rooms that are 1,000 to 2,000 sqft. You are right, we are paying too high a price in our health. Plus I am too old for this [pushing 70].

Well, today Dad [93] decided that his Plan B was to start driving again after 6 years.... I totally blew up when I heard that when he called me this afternoon.... I've seen that man maneuver a grocery cart in the store, believe me you do not want him on the road.
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Ah, FF, I can totally relate to your daily challenges. Some years ago a nasty wreck left me with broken left elbow and right hand. Thank goodness for friends, as I lived alone and could not even undress myself (boots, jeans) upon getting home from ER.

As for parents and plans....Mom was Dad's "Plan A". He never considered the need for a "Plan B" till she was dying. Of course "Plan B" is me. Sigh. I've now created for him "Plan C", which is assisted living in a very nice local senior community. Have tried to be gentle about it, but finally had to put my foot down and say "you must be moved *somewhere else* before the end of summer." I'm paying too high a price in setbacks to my own fragile health to continue status quo. Plus all the other issues....
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Flyer, I did not intend to imply that everyone can do as I did, jump in the car and drive one armed. In my case I was able to do it safely and without debilitating pain. It was nothing heroic. Each case is different. I feel for you regarding your injury.

From what I remember our situations are very similar with the exception of half a block vs 600 miles but the tasks and frustrations are the same. I've chuckled at your battle stories about getting your folks to buy a new sofa or get the carpet cleaned. And we both know some of the worst is yet to come.

I could trade you lots of stories about sig Os but they would probably kick us out of here. If you find a good site to whine about our sig Os let me know!
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Carla, have you checked with your regional or local transit service (if there are any in your area) to see if they have a small bus/dial-a-ride/connector service? Our regional transit system has offered one for years. In addition, some of the local senior centers offer them as well.

The transit services are door-to-door pickup and return, for only $1 per ride. That can't be beaten by anyone.

The senior center transportation is usually only within the confines of the city or township, so it's much more limited.

The private, commercial transit services are what I consider to be astronomiclaly high - generally about $40 each way, with lesser charges for waiting time. They don't leave and come back - they just stay with the meter running.
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My parents want to remain "independent".... thus in my book they need to to set up Plan B.

Funny how parents living "independent" is so exhausting on the rest of us.
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For my mother this is a simple question. I am plan A, and if plan A becomes unavailable for some reason, then plan A needs to set up a plan B.
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freqflyer - I can totally relate, even though I don't have any good advice for you. Except for the flossing problem. I always found flossing sort of ungainly and switched to floss pics (plackers) several years ago. I love them and they only use one hand (once you get the package open).

My mother would use a taxi service if available - the problem is she can't afford it. Her failure to plan was largely financial - believing she could live in her 80s on the same monthly income she had in her 60s. But she has a lot of costs now that she didn't have then, mainly copays and medical equipment/adaptations but also household and yard work she'd have done herself in her younger years. Most of what I do for her could be done by anyone, but she can't afford to pay someone so I'm it.

If I were you, I would press your parents about getting used to the idea of a paid driver or taxi service. Maybe go with them (riding shotgun) the first time or two to get them used to the idea. The current obstacle could be an opportunity in disguise, a chance to transition them to a new practice for their transportation needs.
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FF, I think there's also the F-E-A-R issue about planning for contingencies. It's hard to "wrap your mind around" some of the possibilities. I won't deny that I face that fear as well.
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FF, would you like us to lecture you on forcing yourself? (I think I know you well enough that you know I'm joking, but only partially!) Seriously, if you don't take the time to recover now, you might be faced with pain and limitation farther on down the line.

A few years back we were moving my sister's things to my home. During the process, I tore my right rotator cuff, got PT but still had problems, due in no small part I'm sure to continuing the moving process while I was supposed to be healing, and in failure to recognize early that I should have gotten a different doctor.

Now I'm still having right shoulder problems, even to the point that it's hard to lift the garage door. So I'm biting the bullet and will check out surgery later on this year, after the garden is harvested, lawn isn't growing, and I can afford to just stay inside and heal. I wish I'd seen a different doctor and had surgery after the initial tear.

I wouldn't want to think you'd face something similar.

Your Plan B is to recover, FULLY.

Okay, stepping down from the soap box now.
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GardenArtist, you made a lot of good points why elders don't plan for change because they don't think change will happen. They are comfortable in their old shoe environment and think that is how it is going to be forever.

My Mom is understanding to what happened to me, so she doesn't make any demands [some hints]... and Dad thinks I am the tomboy he knew all his life and that I can overcome anything within days. Well, that tomboy left the building a few years ago.

My parents will definitely need a new plan if they outlive me.
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Windy, I think a lot depends on which arm is the issue.... if it was my left arm/shoulder, I could probably have continued on and be helpful.... but it was my right arm/shoulder.

I couldn't use my right arm and I am right handed. One hand doesn't take over with the same style and ability. My eating skills was that of a 3 year old, same with my writing. Signing my name with my right hand was torture, as one is using muscles and nerves that were damaged in the fall.

Doctor said no driving for 8 weeks, and he was right. The other day I tried to pull the gear shift into drive and it felt like a bolt of lightening hit my upper arm. Won't do that again for awhile. Even tearing up an envelope was too painful because of the muscles one uses to do that.

I can't even tie my shoe laces. Brushing your teeth using your other hand, what a mess :P Whoa, can't floss as that takes two hands. Even lipstick was a challenge. Wait a minute, how will I write checks?

At least with the computer keyboard I was able to type left handed pretty good... dealing with the Mouse was another issue, it was alllllll over the screen. Doing better with it now. Forget texting, it's hard enough with two hands.

Oh how I wished my parents had a Plan B to help me make my recovery less stressful... I am trying to recover quicker by forcing myself to do things but paying the price with more pain :(
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Windy, I hope my comments weren't offensive, or just as bad, sexist! I also wasn't trying to hijack your post for my own purposes.

As to planning while caregiving, I think there's always something that comes up that we haven't planned for. These are new experiences for so many of us.

Maybe we as caregivers could adopt the theme from Star Trek "..boldly go where no man or woman has gone before..." Kind of like that idea; maybe we can consider ourselves trailblazers instead of caregivers.
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To HEAR about the shoulder.....damn spell check crap thing.......
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Garden artist, my comments and questions weren't meant to debate male/ female roles, not that I mind that discussion, I was simply curious as to what had Happened to FF and to share my similar experience.

Flyer, sorry to horse about the shoulder. Never new I had a shoulder till they quit working.

I like what cwilly said about being prepared. I too make lists and plans for elder care and try to stay one step ahead of the next crisis. So far so good but sometimes s....t happens that you didn't plan for. I hate that.
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Windy, FF fell on the concrete in the parking lot at work and broke her shoulder. I think her sandal or shoe became caught in a little crack or something. Her range of motion has been severely limited.

As to how you could do what you did when your mother needed intensive help, well, you're a man. FF is a woman. That says a lot. And long live the differences, caregiving or otherwise.

Or perhaps you've hit on a solution which most of us haven't thought of - the need for outside sustenance. I'll take chocolate to vodka any day.

Or perhaps men can share what it is that gives them the adrenalin rush when the need arises?

We feel the responsibility, but sometimes the fatigue and pain can overcome our sense of commitment. Sometimes it's also a matter of survival; if we do what our parents want, it's clear that our own health and welfare will be damaged.

I had to draw a "line in the sand" like this last year when I had emergency surgery. I just couldn't help out for a while.

FF also has an SO who from her posts doesn't seem to want to pitch in and help physically. (FF, no criticism here - just interpretations.)

I wonder sometimes if this is because men for millennia had the primary responsibility of providing for the family in terms of safety, bringing home the mastadons or sabre tooth tigers for meals, fending off intruders...There are thousands of years of ingrained behavior of protection, while women protect in a different way.

Not to hijack the thread or undermine our female capability to respond, when I'm conflicted or stuck in a mental rut, I often ask myself how would a man friend handle this (I can hear my feminist friends here groaning and I sometimes berate myself for this approach), but men do approach problems differently, often more objectively.

No criticism is intended of women or men - it's just a different approach. The point is that we can learn from each other's strengths.

I also emphasize that no criticism or condemnation is intended of either sex.

In addition, FF has been taking care of both her parents for years now. It does wear the caregiver down, and sometimes it's not easy to get back up even with a parental emergency. The adrenalin can kick in, but with long term recovery it's not available on a regular flow - no IV drip of "Caregiving Saline #1 for Women".

I also don't have the energy or stamina I had when this started for me several years ago.

Back to back-up plans, we can identify all the contingent measures we want to, but implementation is the sticking point.

Specifically, how DO you get a parent to willingly agree to a facility placement for the rest of his/her life? How DO you get them to agree that things which have occupied nooks and crannies for years now need to be discarded or donated so make their homes safer?

I'm still searching for workable solutions as well as workable back-up plans that can actually be implemented.
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I'm still working on this and don't have much to offer.

But I do think that the combination of declining health, reduced independence and increased reliance on someone else, especially a family member, are such major contributing factors that it's really difficult for parents to look beyond those immediate needs and immediate family resources.

They're uncomfortable with new things and new people, even though they can become used to them (such as the MOW delivery folks), but the idea of a strange newcomer suddenly coming in to take over what's been done by family is unsettling. They're in a stage during which their adaptive abilities have been limited and this might just be too much.

I think the fact that adult children and spouses are no longer able to provide as they have been is such a cogent reminder of age decline that it can be debilitating and threatening.

And problem solving skills deteriorate as well, so it's difficult to conceive of alternatives, even if explained patiently by the caregiver.

Their world has grown smaller and smaller; it's hard to see beyond the new borders and accept that they're so compromised.

I'm not excusing it, just trying to explain the situation as I see it.
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Broke my shoulder when I fell in my office parking lot. No cast, just a sling, so I bet in my Dad's eyes my injury doesn't appear that serious, need a body cast to get his attention.... yikes there days I feel like gnawing my arm off because of the pain.... I'm limited on what I can take for the pain.

I plan to nurse this injury for all that it is worth. My plan B for myself is to hire a cleaning service to help me out here at home. Sig other doesn't see dirt unless it is a foot high and he trips over it :P

Odd, since I been hurt, I don't care if this doesn't get done or that when it comes to life in general. Example, couple weeks ago Dad ran out of eye vitamins which can only be bought at his eye doctor's office.... told Dad it will be a couple of weeks as I can get the vitamins when sig other takes me to get x-rays [same building].... I will buy 4 bottles this time :)
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Babalou, there is no doubt that people like ff's parents need to rely on everyone else to clean up after their messes. It is up to each of us to set our boundaries or risk having to ride to the rescue repeatedly. Sadly this is a lesson that many never learn and even then it is extremely difficult to change well established patterns.
How about this..."Mom, Dad, I'm getting older and I've decided I can't be there to help you any more the way I have in the past. Here is a list of other options I have made up for you." When they call for help you say "Sorry, I can't do that anymore. Have you checked out that list I gave you?"
Ha, easy to say, not so easy to do I think.
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Freqflyer- I am so sorry for your pain, and hope while you are concentrating on healing, your heart can rest,too, from the worry over your parents.
Per our prev.convos- I am in a similar situation, but my parents are20-25 years younger.
I wish I could offer some stellar advice- but j can offer a hug. ☺️
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FF ' S parents may be on to something, but at FF 's expense. I worry about you!

If your dad hasn't been dx ' ed with dementia, I would take your recent injury as an opportunity to stop being their "fix". " I can't do this anymore Mom" was hard for me to say. But rescuing my mother no longer made any sense in the context of: she was 89 years old, living alone and isolated in the suburbs, wouldn't/couldn't call a taxi, became unhinged during taxi rides we arranged for her and on and on. In short, my brothers and I stop "enabling" her "independence". We are all healthier and a more functional family for having bitten the bullet.
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What happened to you? Break your arm or something? I had just gone through rotator cuff surgery, was still in a sling and eating oxy treats when mom ended up in the er. Switched to Tylenol, jumped in the car and drove 600 miles with one arm. Spent 2 weeks nursing, bathing, cleaning, coking, fixing with arm in sling. Didn't do any oxy but had a bottle of vodka hidden in my old room. For medicinal purposes only of course........
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People who won't plan just have to wait for the **** to hit the fan and react the best they can. Me, I have plans and secondary plans and lists and maybe I'm a little overboard with the planning, but I hate to be caught flat footed so I try to micro manage everything. Somehow those without plans seem to land on their feet and they don't waste any emotion worrying about the "what ifs", maybe they're on to something there?
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Babalou, my Dad just has normal age related forgetfulness. He's also of the group that thinks if a woman is up and about, she's 100% cured :P
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FF, has your dad been diagnosed with dementia?
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