I don't know how to feel...

lillian41, people grieve in different ways. What you are doing sounds very healthy to me. When someone who has been ill fo a while dies, there is a mix of sadness and relief. And often there is guilt because of the feeling of relief. This is completely normal.

Losing a parent is very different than losing a child. I guess it is because in the natural order of things, parents die before their children. We expect it. No one can really have thoughts on how you should grieve. When people are caregivers, much of their grief happens before the loved one dies. Caregivers are there for the decline and the suffering, and feel the sadness and stress as their loved one passes away. From what you wrote, you grieved for over three months helping with your mother and being there for her. Chances are that you are feeling a bit numb at the moment. That is normal. Don't worry about it. Just remember your mother in your own way. You did what was most important in being there for her while she was still on this earth.

Thank you, I have been a caregiver to my parents for 10 plus years. Mom was in the nursing home the last 7 but I was still a caregiver, I was the one called if anything was wrong or she was sick. Plus caring for my dad along with mom. I will never stop missing her I guess I just didnt know jw I needed to feel and if it was normal.

I too believe as you, lillian41 that we WILL see our loved ones again in heaven..it is written in the Bible. That is our solice and what else could be greater?? She is now in NO pain, is not hungry or thirsty and if she was saved and a believer...is living in heaven with our Lord and Savior, Jesus. I had a dream about what heaven was like the other night and it was SO beautiful, SO peaceful and SO full of God's love...it was phenomenal!!! I didn't want to wake from that dream when my toy yorkie was giving me "wake up mommy kisses".

I know when my dad died, I went through a great depression for several years. At work, I would break down and cry. He dominated all of my thoughts every day. I was just getting to know him when he died. I went to the NH every day after work, a 40 mile trip to see him, take him out to the patio in his wheelchair for his cig and talk to him. His mind was fine until the day he died ...Lymphoma killed him. I still miss him and it's been 8 years. Everyone does grieve differently...do whatever you can to get your mind off of the sadness and try to remember the happy times with her. She is happy now! We WILL see and be with them again!!! Prayers heading your way.

treasure every experience you are feeling and having. this is an accepting time as with all our losses and changes require. A time or transission. embrass your memories. these feelings are as real as all our joys and pleasures in our lives. My heart goes out to you. I know when Mommas time comes I too will go thru an emptiness that was once her physical presence in my life. My heart will hold onto all that was her in all the other ways. her love and mine for her. take it one day at a time even one moment at a time. I have gone thru this with my twin, a husband and my daddy. and I still have times to go thru. missiing my loved ones. Be good to you as much as you can.

My mom, too suffered a while before she died. I was relieved she was no longer in pain, but I missed her terribly. Here is how I coped. I set aside a time each day (usually in the evening). I spent 30 minutes along, crying, wailing, and feeling sorry for myself. I didn't let anything interrupt that time. That way, I could go to work and get through the day, knowing I would be able to cry later. It worked really well for me, and as time went on, I found I didn't need 30 minutes anymore, just 20, then 10, then maybe only a couple of times a week. Feeling sad and relieved at the same time is normal. Give yourself a break.

I was caring for both my parents for 3 yrs when Dad died this past April.
He had dementia and it was a terrible disease and slow death. At first I cried hysterically and then at the funeral when I got to see him again, a strange calmness came over me. Like as if I could see clearly what had been going on the past 3 yrs with us. This is what I realized....everyone's life is their own journey. Actual birth and death usually require some assistance. That's where I came in...when he was too weak to continue I did it for him....I picked up his cross and carried it for him. Now his journey is done and my work is finished....he is in heaven and at peace and I can rest also. It was the hardest thing I've ever done... I gave him my all. I miss him so much, but am glad he isn't suffering anymore. I talk to him every day a little bit, remembering his voice, smile, touch and especially the look in his eyes when he'd look at me.
Pure love.

Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Some people submerge themselves into work, so CAN'T work at all. Some cry, some don't. Be yourself. Don't worry about "how" to grieve. Just do it the way you know in your heart. That is all we can do.

Check into grief counseling or support groups in your area. Others who have been down the same path are wonderful to share with and gain insight into how they handled their grief. THEIR grief! It is your grief, your loss, your feelings, your lost relationship with YOUR loved one! Don't give a second thought to what others think of you in this process. I have lost a husband, granny, and father. Each of those losses affected me differently. They were all "stage" grief processes, some longer, some shorter. My greatest consolation and peace came from the certainty that we would all be together some day without the pain and disease of this Fallen world!
Work thru your grief, leaning on Him, and you will "live" and thrive again!
Blessings to you!

I too believe we will see our loved ones again in Heaven... My Father passed away two years ago in July and I still miss him, very much. My Father was a quiet man who was strong and very gentle. He had been in declining health for years but then we found out he had bladder cancer. The tumor was removed he seemed to do fairly well then he started having leg pain. We discovered his cancer had spread to his prostate and his bones... After his diagnosis he lasted only 6 wks. I was his caregiver, and now I am my Mom's. I would really encourage you to do what you feel comforatable with. Everyone grieves dfferantly. I cry, I have NEVER seen my Mom cry. If you feel you need somone to talk with find a support group or grief share group... take care and God bless!

Dear Lillian, I just read your comment and for the first time I cried when I read it. I lost my Mom on September 13,2012, and I know exactly how you feel, I have'nt been able to grieve the way I thought I would, but your letter let me know that I am not the only one that feels the way I do. It is ok to go out, your Mom would not have wanted you to stop living, rather to live in spite of what you are going through. My faith (Baptist) has also allowed me to know that I will see my Mom again. Stand by your faith, believe that she is in a better place, and most of all she is at peace. I have been telling everyone that you should "Celebrate her Life, don't mourn her death". Enjoy your life, she gave it to you for a reason, you will never forget her, she will always be in your heart. If you need to talk somemore, write me back. I am praying for you.

lillian41...What you are experiencing is normal. As you said, people grieve differently and I think circumstances can weigh heavily on how you grieve and how soon at least some normalcy will return to your life.

It's been a year and 7 months since I lost my mother...and there are times when I think to myself...'I need to call and see how mom is doing.' Or, I have extra time on my hands now...wonder why...and then come to the realization...this is the time I would normally be visiting/caring for mom. That's where I think circumstances of a particular situation weighs heavily on recovery. You spent a lot of your time (years) and energies caring for your mother. That has been your normal. You will have to create a new normal. That will come with time, and you may experience a variety of emotions during that time. But, a clearing of the fog will eventually come. It may take years...but it will come. Until then, I would get back involved in work, be involved with friends & family, rely on faith, if you have one, and when you have down days or need to express your feelings...come here for support and comfort.

Something I'll share with you which I think was a Godsend and helpful for me: 3 friends since high school (a couple of them and I lived together in my 20's after moving out of the parents' house) but had lost touch over the years...individually came to the funeral home to pay their respects upon my mother's passing. For years growing up, my mother knew these girls, liked them, welcomed them in her home. At the funeral home each of these women, said..."we need to get together and catch-up." Well, surprisingly, we did! After around 30 years of no contact, we started an ongoing "girl's night out" where we meet once a month for dinner, talking, stories, updates and lots of fun. We all enjoy it and look forward to the next session. It's been over a year and we're still going strong. Sue has had bouts of breast cancer and is in remission. During this time, Pam's husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and succumbed a short time later. So, our group was back at the funeral home, this time organized and united, to provide comfort. I think it was a tremendous help and continues to help her today. We undoubtedly have similar events coming in the future. I don't think it's a big leap to link my mother, even in death, to this re-birth of friendships. She is still influencing and inspiring my life and others'.

I wish you and your family...peace.

I think those mixed emotions are normal, and the let down of all the adrenaline going away after the huge stress of care and decisionmaking has abated just adds to it. I can really really really identify with the part about having things I want to tell her - like her grandson finally getting a driver's license and a car...she had passed several months before that, and I had this nagging feeling there was something I was supposed to do, and I finally realized that was it! But seriously, if you can find a grief support group it could be a big help, my Mom's hospice had one and I was in it for a good long time. Expect "anniversary reactions" too, and I'd say there is no substitute for letting yourself feel what you feel - it can be anything from anger to sadness to peace. Don't worry about "shoulds" too much - more people than you'd think have been through this and may even be able to share a little. The first time you do something without Mom that you used to enjoy together it will be poignant - I still see stuff in stores and momentarily think I should buy it for Mom, she would really like it. My son has asked me how it feels to have your parents both gone, and so far I've only been able to tell him its all a little too raw..I'm not quite ready to stand on the mountain top liek the Lion King and sing about the Circle of Life :-) BLESS you, and bless all of us who have gone on, and all of us left to carry on...

There is no right way to grieve. That is the most important thing, I think. We can all find ways to remember or honor our loved ones. If you need more time before working, try to take it. But if you need work as a distraction, then do that. Feel what you feel, both positive and negative. Grief is something that ebbs and flows, sometimes it takes action, and sometimes it just takes being.

well tonite another part of the process we get to go through. our key tonite my phone is at work dang. Grief. I just relized with your help the grief we don't recognize through all of this is the loss of our own lives. sacrife sacrfice sacrifes all mess with our minds. how to function roll with punches ha man i m falling apart and dont have time for the fall jeez sane or insane.

thank you for being here

Thank you to everyone who has commented, the experiences and advice have been helpful and needed. I am sorry for everyone's loss, I can say I understand. I miss my momma so bad but I would not have her back like she was, she did not enjoy life any more. I hope she forgave us before she passed knowing that everything we did or fought for was because we couldn't leather go. I really want to go to the hospital and take the nurses a crd and flowers or cookies that took care of mom for four long months but I am afraid to go there. I feel like it is part of my healing though so I don't know what to do. My mom thanked every nurse doctor or cleaning lady or whoever came in her room, she would say thank you for coming. So sweet, the nurses said they would love for every patient to be like her. the grieving process is hard. I have been told there are different stages, I know I will survive those stages but it dosent help missing mom. Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please try not to worry about what other people think. Only those who have lived thru this can truly appreciate ur situation. You are stronger than u know even if u don't feel that way just now.

After my dad passed away, I sent a card to the Hospice nurses who had taken such good care of him. (I lived in another state and had gone back home). I realized they would appreciate the card, but I did it more for how it made me feel than for them. You could mail a card instead of going there if it would help.

I don't know how others feel about those cards, but once in a while, we lose a long time pedi rehab patient and I've gotten a card thanking me for caring for them - it always touches my heart at least a little to know that doing my job (as well as I know how to do it) has made someone's difficult journey a little easier. I did a lot of little things like bringing the funeral flowers back to them, and leaving them things they could use for others, and even wrote a longer letter to the place that took care of Dad.

Just this week I had to make a couple calls to let some people know my mom and dad had both passed and to stop mailing stuff on old accounts, etc...and one of them was sweet enough to offer condolences - "no matter how long its been, let me first say I'm sorry for your loss." and I had to admit to her that yeah, it still brings back a little heartache even now to get those things in the mail and I appreciated the sentiment! Honestly, I think its why I never got around to making those call last year when I could have...

My Mom passed away last week. She was an amazing woman. A few months ago I asked her what advice she would give me after 92 years of living. She said don't worry. She said all the worrying she ever did was a waste and that everything always turned out OK. Some people say things happen for a reason. When ever I'm going through those things I don't know the reason, but in retrospect I see it.

I left my job a year and a half ago under very stressful circumstances. I thought I'd work again, but I was side tracked by mom's needs. I spent all that time responding to her requests and being there for her when she needed to be in the hospital.

She lived independently for 92 years, only with the help of a house cleaner once a week and me. I never knew when she would call me and I spent 4-6 days a week doing things with and for her. In the end I was SO thankful for that time.

When it got frustrating someone on this site told me to hug her and love her and I did that. We were kind to each other and she died peacefully and surrounded by love. Now I need to grieve and cope, as people tell me. I don't know what that means. What I do know is that leaving my job although painful, allowed me to spend these last precious years with my mom. What a gift that turned out to be.

My mom would say to me... everyone dies, get over it. Live your life fully, be happy. Don't read sad books, don't watch sad movies. Enjoy your life. So, while I do cry... I know she would prefer that I laugh. She always told jokes! In her honor, I need to be strong and live the life she would have been proud of and so I will try to find my next adventure... for mom.

Rest in peace my sweet mom. You were a blessing to me.