I don't know how to feel...

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I lost my mom a week ago, she had been sick since June but losing her was still a shock. You never prepare for end of life. I just don't know how I am suppose to feel, I miss my mom so much, but at the same time I am so glad she is not suffering any more. I have been trying to not be so sad because my belief is I will see her again and she will not be sick ever again. I went to a movie with friends last night and felt sooooo guilty. I go back to work tomorrow and am afraid I will fall apart there. I don't know how I am suppose to feel, is it ok to go to a movie? Should I not do anything but work and home for now? What if I don't grieve the way others think I should? I know my mom isn't hurting, or needing help to breathe, she also had a feeding tube and she begged for food and water, I am relieved she isn't enduring those things now. However, I do miss her so much. I will think of something to tell her and realize I can't and that is the hardest thing ever. A friend of mine told me I could be experiencing post traumatic stress disorder, I don't know a lot about this but I guess anything is possible. From June till October I have been in over load, adrenaline running hard and now I don't know what to do. Any comments are appreciated.

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My Mom passed away last week. She was an amazing woman. A few months ago I asked her what advice she would give me after 92 years of living. She said don't worry. She said all the worrying she ever did was a waste and that everything always turned out OK. Some people say things happen for a reason. When ever I'm going through those things I don't know the reason, but in retrospect I see it.

I left my job a year and a half ago under very stressful circumstances. I thought I'd work again, but I was side tracked by mom's needs. I spent all that time responding to her requests and being there for her when she needed to be in the hospital.

She lived independently for 92 years, only with the help of a house cleaner once a week and me. I never knew when she would call me and I spent 4-6 days a week doing things with and for her. In the end I was SO thankful for that time.

When it got frustrating someone on this site told me to hug her and love her and I did that. We were kind to each other and she died peacefully and surrounded by love. Now I need to grieve and cope, as people tell me. I don't know what that means. What I do know is that leaving my job although painful, allowed me to spend these last precious years with my mom. What a gift that turned out to be.

My mom would say to me... everyone dies, get over it. Live your life fully, be happy. Don't read sad books, don't watch sad movies. Enjoy your life. So, while I do cry... I know she would prefer that I laugh. She always told jokes! In her honor, I need to be strong and live the life she would have been proud of and so I will try to find my next adventure... for mom.

Rest in peace my sweet mom. You were a blessing to me.
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I don't know how others feel about those cards, but once in a while, we lose a long time pedi rehab patient and I've gotten a card thanking me for caring for them - it always touches my heart at least a little to know that doing my job (as well as I know how to do it) has made someone's difficult journey a little easier. I did a lot of little things like bringing the funeral flowers back to them, and leaving them things they could use for others, and even wrote a longer letter to the place that took care of Dad.

Just this week I had to make a couple calls to let some people know my mom and dad had both passed and to stop mailing stuff on old accounts, etc...and one of them was sweet enough to offer condolences - "no matter how long its been, let me first say I'm sorry for your loss." and I had to admit to her that yeah, it still brings back a little heartache even now to get those things in the mail and I appreciated the sentiment! Honestly, I think its why I never got around to making those call last year when I could have...
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After my dad passed away, I sent a card to the Hospice nurses who had taken such good care of him. (I lived in another state and had gone back home). I realized they would appreciate the card, but I did it more for how it made me feel than for them. You could mail a card instead of going there if it would help.
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I'm sorry for your loss. Please try not to worry about what other people think. Only those who have lived thru this can truly appreciate ur situation. You are stronger than u know even if u don't feel that way just now.
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Thank you to everyone who has commented, the experiences and advice have been helpful and needed. I am sorry for everyone's loss, I can say I understand. I miss my momma so bad but I would not have her back like she was, she did not enjoy life any more. I hope she forgave us before she passed knowing that everything we did or fought for was because we couldn't leather go. I really want to go to the hospital and take the nurses a crd and flowers or cookies that took care of mom for four long months but I am afraid to go there. I feel like it is part of my healing though so I don't know what to do. My mom thanked every nurse doctor or cleaning lady or whoever came in her room, she would say thank you for coming. So sweet, the nurses said they would love for every patient to be like her. the grieving process is hard. I have been told there are different stages, I know I will survive those stages but it dosent help missing mom. Thanks for listening.
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thank you for being here
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well tonite another part of the process we get to go through. our key tonite my phone is at work dang. Grief. I just relized with your help the grief we don't recognize through all of this is the loss of our own lives. sacrife sacrfice sacrifes all mess with our minds. how to function roll with punches ha man i m falling apart and dont have time for the fall jeez sane or insane.
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There is no right way to grieve. That is the most important thing, I think. We can all find ways to remember or honor our loved ones. If you need more time before working, try to take it. But if you need work as a distraction, then do that. Feel what you feel, both positive and negative. Grief is something that ebbs and flows, sometimes it takes action, and sometimes it just takes being.
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I think those mixed emotions are normal, and the let down of all the adrenaline going away after the huge stress of care and decisionmaking has abated just adds to it. I can really really really identify with the part about having things I want to tell her - like her grandson finally getting a driver's license and a car...she had passed several months before that, and I had this nagging feeling there was something I was supposed to do, and I finally realized that was it! But seriously, if you can find a grief support group it could be a big help, my Mom's hospice had one and I was in it for a good long time. Expect "anniversary reactions" too, and I'd say there is no substitute for letting yourself feel what you feel - it can be anything from anger to sadness to peace. Don't worry about "shoulds" too much - more people than you'd think have been through this and may even be able to share a little. The first time you do something without Mom that you used to enjoy together it will be poignant - I still see stuff in stores and momentarily think I should buy it for Mom, she would really like it. My son has asked me how it feels to have your parents both gone, and so far I've only been able to tell him its all a little too raw..I'm not quite ready to stand on the mountain top liek the Lion King and sing about the Circle of Life :-) BLESS you, and bless all of us who have gone on, and all of us left to carry on...
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lillian41...What you are experiencing is normal. As you said, people grieve differently and I think circumstances can weigh heavily on how you grieve and how soon at least some normalcy will return to your life.

It's been a year and 7 months since I lost my mother...and there are times when I think to myself...'I need to call and see how mom is doing.' Or, I have extra time on my hands now...wonder why...and then come to the realization...this is the time I would normally be visiting/caring for mom. That's where I think circumstances of a particular situation weighs heavily on recovery. You spent a lot of your time (years) and energies caring for your mother. That has been your normal. You will have to create a new normal. That will come with time, and you may experience a variety of emotions during that time. But, a clearing of the fog will eventually come. It may take years...but it will come. Until then, I would get back involved in work, be involved with friends & family, rely on faith, if you have one, and when you have down days or need to express your feelings...come here for support and comfort.

Something I'll share with you which I think was a Godsend and helpful for me: 3 friends since high school (a couple of them and I lived together in my 20's after moving out of the parents' house) but had lost touch over the years...individually came to the funeral home to pay their respects upon my mother's passing. For years growing up, my mother knew these girls, liked them, welcomed them in her home. At the funeral home each of these women, said..."we need to get together and catch-up." Well, surprisingly, we did! After around 30 years of no contact, we started an ongoing "girl's night out" where we meet once a month for dinner, talking, stories, updates and lots of fun. We all enjoy it and look forward to the next session. It's been over a year and we're still going strong. Sue has had bouts of breast cancer and is in remission. During this time, Pam's husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and succumbed a short time later. So, our group was back at the funeral home, this time organized and united, to provide comfort. I think it was a tremendous help and continues to help her today. We undoubtedly have similar events coming in the future. I don't think it's a big leap to link my mother, even in death, to this re-birth of friendships. She is still influencing and inspiring my life and others'.

I wish you and your family...peace.
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