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The last time we visited my mother in-law and her husband in FL, we asked what's going to happen when you or your husband dies? She laughed it off saying we would take care of her. I said no that we didn't take care of my parents that they ended up going to a nursing home up the street from our house and both ended up living together and dying there. We still had and have our jobs and couldn't manage taking care of them.


I'll call her Dora, not her real name. In early Sept. we received a call that Dora's husband died in his sleep. She had been taking care of him...he had dementia. Dora has her own health problems. COPD the biggest. She's 82 yrs. old. Dora has been living with us now for 3 months. She is not a wealthy women. My wife has left her job with 2 yrs remaining before retirement. She's being the caregiver. To make matters worse Dora was never a good mother. Not abusive or anything like that but an alcoholic in my wife's teen yrs. Always away while our kids were growing up. Really couldn't care less about our lives but only hers and her new husbands.


We've lost all our privacy. We set up a room for Dora but she's in our living room from morning to night. We need to let her know at least on the weekends..I work nights...that she needs to stay in her room after supper so we can have some privacy and intimacy. We don't want her to feel unwanted. How should we go about it? PLUS What should I be charging Dora for the care and home we're giving her?


Dora passed about a month ago. We took care of her for a year in a half.


It was very very stressful. My wife didn't return to work but for the last year was on unpaid leave. We both plan to retire in June. We still need to bury Dora's and her husband's Urns. They did buy a headstone and plot way back when.
I'm not sure what would have happened to us if she continued to live. I say it was a mistake that we didn't put her in a home immediately after her husband passed but like I said we thought she would not last long due to her health. Although we both were ready to send Dora to a home after we retired the good that came out of it is that my wife was able to spend some good times with her mother.
But looking back don't do what we did. Put your parent in a home and plan from there.

Live and learn. Many of us can relate.

Glad that your wife had special moments with her mom.

Thanks for sharing the overall picture and a story that others can learn from.

If only food for thought was always listened to.

Most people have to travel their own journey, experience life for themselves before they are able to see their own circumstances.
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I’m sorry for your loss. The wisdom you gained is valuable on this site. Thank you for sharing
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Such excellent advise. Hope you will advise OPs on Forum with these questions and choices. You have been there and lived this. You have much to contribute.
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