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FamilyNeeded.....what on earth are you talking about, if you are speaking to me??? My cousin left her mother alone upstairs in her bed for months on end until the woman was dying. Only when she was placed in a nursing home did she spruce up, wake up, and engage with others after being removed from the bed she lived in. I am stating a FACT that not ALL in home care givers are FANTASTIC and neglect does happen there. It's not ONLY reserved for care facilities, as you and many others insist on. I'm not trying to SHAME my cousin, simply stating the truth of that situation. Don't close YOUR eyes to the fact that abuse happens at home too, and from hired help that comes in, and even from sons and daughters themselves......I've seen it myself. Burn out is real.

It's very important for all of us with loved ones in care facilities to ADVOCATE for them always. To check up on them and to make sure their needs are being met, definitely. I had my mother in a horrible rehab SNF and it took me several days to get her out of there and reestablished in a lovely well managed SNF. There are bad ones and good ones, bad home environments and good ones, bad caregivers and wonderful ones, that's the point. It's not a one size fits all solution for everyone.

Joel, what happened in N.Y. with Covid and the LTCs was nothing short of murderous, and now the news is reporting the death numbers were greatly DOWNPLAYED. You have my deepest condolences over the loss of your beloved wife thru no fault of your own.

Worried, I was telling DH the other day that my mother would not be alive today if not for AL and MC. They caught pneumonia twice with her, immediately, and her life was saved 2x as a result. Plus the socialization she gets is instrumental for HER to thrive.
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One important point is nowadays most families have both husbands and wives that work. It often takes two incomes to survive.

It isn’t like years ago when many wives were free to choose being at home.

That era did expect wives to remain home. I personally believe that ‘the good old days’ weren’t as good as people made them out to be. Every generation has their issues.

I wonder if many women in previous generations would have preferred to be working rather than taking care of the sick and dying elderly in their families.

They didn’t discuss things freely as it is discussed today.

It isn’t uncommon to have facilities these days. Yet, they are often criticized. Some are certainly better others. No one can argue that there is a clear need for care of the elderly.

I suppose the same happens when childcare is discussed.

Ask any school teacher and they will tell you that the children that don’t go to a preschool program are behind in socialization and academics. This is why Headstart was established for families below the poverty level. Moms do not have to be with children all day long. We have childcare.

We have nursing homes to care for those who can’t afford assisted living or if they need extensive care that perhaps an assisted living facility or a home caregiver could not provide.

In a facility they receive medical care and socialization. I hated that mom would not participate in the senior community center. For those seniors who don’t participate, the burden falls on the caregiver to be everything for them, leaving the caregiver drained!

It is a hardship on the family when a person refuses to go to a facility. Many here on this forum can testify to that, myself included.

People struggle and do their best in the situation that they are faced with.

As for me, I will never burden my daughters. I know first hand how hard it is after caring for my mom in my home.
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lealonnie1: Genius thread! I had a real dilemma of what I would do with my mother's elder living arrangements since she demanded to live alone in her own home 7 states away from mine. As many of you know, I had to move there, but it wasn't go to be FOREVER. We thought we had struck upon an answer when we had mother finally situated in an SNF. But oh no, they had a family meeting and said to my mother "You're too well to stay here." So okay - laid down $12K for an AL, only to have to try to get a refund when my mother suffered an ischemic stroke at the SNF less than 48 hours after that statement.

Since no one individual knows someone's situation, judgement should not be passed. The individual in the active caregiving role has no use for it.
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You hit the nail on the head. Not every person is suitable to be a caretaker and often for very valid reasons that are no one's business. YOU have to do what the best is for YOU and your family. Know there will always be some people to take your side and others will crucify you at dawn why YOU are so selfish. They are wrong, wrong, wrong and it is none of their dam business and I would tell them that. Please do what you feel is best all around but if she is placed, check out the places and keep tabs on her. I am on your side.
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No one knows what others are going through and by no means should be judged either on here or anywhere else. In fact we should not be hard on ourselves. How many of us have said “I will never” or “I would never”. Ha, not easy to always follow up on. No one knows until you walk in other’s shoes, is what I have always felt. I agree judging should never be done. Kindness and caring can go so far and can be so helpful. We all deserve hugs as we manage through life and this mind robbing disease.
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To make my long and grueling story into a shorter one, my caregiving journey was not truly presented to me accurately at the beginning. Therefore, what I thought I was agreeing to was not what played out. I thought I would be either providing a lot of care and re-orientation to her home environment over the SHORT term (she was supposed to get better over time), or I'd be providing minimal care over the long term (I had already been doing a lot of this for the person). Either of those would have been fine.

What happened was a disaster. Incontinence, leaving the phone off the hook so we could not reach her, calling the police for no reason, medication errors, wandering at night, brandishing a blade to fend off an intruder who was not there and never was there, failing to lock doors, leaving doors not only unlocked but wide open, hiding financial documents from me that I needed in order to arrange care for her, leg wounds that needed care (I had already been providing this, but it got much worse), falls and other dire safety problems, moments of drastic disorientation which were hard to predict, and countless other things. She needed supervision and care at a level I could not provide. This was on top of cooking, laundry, shopping, dr appts, phone calls, etc. I had little to no backup. People would tell me to just "hire a visiting nurse" but that's costly and 24/hr care would not be covered by any insurance and she didn't have the money.

Sure, I agreed to help her. But it was supposed to improve or at least stay remotely the same for a while. I do understand that she wasn't going to be a 20 year old again, but the nosedive of a decline and all of the safety problems she had was something I didn't see coming. She had been in a rehab setting and in that protected setting, she SEEMED much better than she really was. I have cautioned people about this experience.... She was able to really work the room at the rehab center and she seemed very normal while there. Her home where she lived for decades was not that protected environment she'd adapted to at the rehab and her true condition became apparent once she was home. She would showtime for people I'd bring in to assess her - including one expert who looked right at LO and told her "No one can force you into a nursing home." Well, where did that leave us? I was still struggling and LO got to remain home and her lifelong entitled self had me where she wanted me - waiting on her and cleaning up her messes (including bodily fluids). I could not keep up and prayed either for an answer or for something to happen to me so I wouldn't have to keep trying. I fear that I'm not adequately expressing all that happened so that I can convey how it really was.

After she had an unwitnessed fall with likely loss of consciousness, I told the hospital she cannot live alone anymore. Hospital sent her to rehab. I told rehab that she cannot live alone anymore and I was not taking her home. Period. She was transferred to a NH bed in the same building. She has done well there. However, I really, truly do believe that it's the protected environment which makes her seem better than she otherwise would be.

Not everyone can be cared for at home. I had plenty of onlookers telling me "All you have do do is____" or "Why don't you just...." or "I have TOLD you how to handle that" and "You cannot just DUMP her in a nursing home so that you can ignore her" all of those other not-so-helpful statements.

I'm still new here, so I'd hate for anyone to delete their profile over others being insensitive/inappropriate. I have learned so much from all of you and I've tried to convey my experience as well when I have something to add. The majority of the comments are helpful and have come from experience and soul-searching. What could be better when trying to make decisions for those we love? Thanks to all of you.
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Most importantly, do not judge yourself for placing your loved one in a nursing home. You made that decision because you recognized your limitations and want what is best. You should never be made to feel guilty for not wanting to be a caregiver and living your own life. Ignore the virtue signaling and criticism from people who either have no clue as to what your individual situation is or think they are superior. You do not owe anyone an explanation.
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Exactly !!!!
couldn’t have said it better ...
why are all desperate posts from caregivers with their loved one at home???
do you think your LO happy and
engaged at home ?
think again
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Helen,

People that are that miserable aren’t going to be happy anywhere! A beautiful facility providing the very best of care certainly won’t make them happy either.

The upside though is they will be out of the caregiver’s home!

There are just as many people crying on this forum about their moms that are in very nice facilities.

Ornery people will continue to be that way.

Thank goodness those people get a break though because they don’t have their cranky mom living in their house 24/7, 365!

People need to do whatever is right for them and their parents and who cares what others think or say? It doesn’t concern them. It’s your life. Others opinions should not matter one tiny bit.

Whether we like it or not, sometimes it is necessary to develop a thicker skin for our own sanity.

In time though, most people start to realize that not everyone’s opinions count.
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I worked 20 years as a nurse in the AL and since retirement, my mother has lived with me for over 10 years now. Good and bad with both but, that's life. Take the best and leave the rest..........
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Thanks for sharing this. A very important message
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Everyone's situation is different. You do the best you can. You bring up many important points in your post.
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dear lea :),

i appreciate reading your message a lot.

i wish us all strength, courage, and to our loved ones too.

caregiving decisions are difficult sometimes. we must always remember, to live our lives too! we can’t waste our lives. we must protect ourselves. loving parents want us to be happy too.

bundleofjoy :)
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Just so it doesn't get missed by those who don't bother to read the entire post:

My primary objection is NOT to those who state home-care is best, or to those who insist on placing a LO, but those who continue to bash ALL facility care as wrong.

"jacobsonbob
Jan 29, 2021
"The fact is that no one should shame anyone, no matter what side of the fence they are on."

This is true--but I hope in this forum we can tear down that fence."

There likely will always be that fence. I have NO issue with someone posting their PREFERENCE for home care and backing it up with suggestions for how to make home care work. Just make it clear that this is what you believe, but understand that it doesn't always work. Maintaining that stating your "opinion" is just freedom of speech doesn't cut it when you are disparaging ALL facilities.

I know why lealonnie1 wrote this post (similar post from NeedHelpWithMom was posted previously.) The "argument" between home care and facility care will go on. My issue, and this posting, is with the home-care-warriors who maintain their way is the BEST way and ONLY way we should care for a LO, and also continue to BASH ALL FACILITIES, with nonsense like they ALL are abusive, feed dog food, keep the residents over-medicated, state your LO will become lonely, scared, miserable or lose the will to live, etc.

Are there places like this? Sure. But, there are also home-care situations that are no better, dangerous for the person needing care and sometimes for those who try to provide the care. Additionally, sometimes there are not enough resources to provide the care in home or facilities. Please see my post:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/suggestion-to-become-active-in-promoting-caregiver-help-not-a-question-463299.htm?orderby=recent

If ALL of us can do our part and get our Reps and Senators on board, to get these changes passed, it can help those who don't have resources to find quality care, whether in-home or in facility. Too many elders have dementia and this is negatively impacting so many. There might be some who are easy to care for, but over time it will become more difficult. There are many who are NOT easy to care for. Too many families fall into the cracks where there aren't sufficient resources to provide the care, in the home OR in the facilities. Currently there is no simple solution. We all have to fend for ourselves. Contact your rep, whether you prefer home care or facility care. The changes suggested will benefit MANY, even those who work in care-giving roles!

If someone merely needed a safe place to live, proper nutrition, transport to appointments, etc and can remain in our homes safely while we have to work or attend to other "duties", then sure, home care makes a lot of sense. My parents and mom's sisters took turns caring for my grandmother. She was easy to care for. She didn't have dementia and wasn't difficult, in any way. She also passed in her late 70s, with mom and sisters still in their 50s or early 60s. Most kids were out on their own. It really didn't make a huge difference in their lives. It made sense to keep her in their homes and I enjoyed my time with her.

Now, when one has dementia, the game changes. Depending on each person's "journey" down that path, things can become dicey quickly.

To be continued in a second post...
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Most of us these days NEED to work, it isn't really a choice anymore. If one has to give up employment to provide that 24/7 care, one is jeopardizing their own future financially and possibly physically as well. Many of us are already seniors ourselves, and can't provide that "hands on" care needed. Some homes are not safe or accessible for the elders. Modifications can be excessively expensive, if even possible. Some with dementia become very unruly and difficult to care for or keep safe. Some threaten their own child/care-giver. There are just so many reasons why sometimes home-care is NOT the solution. Cameras are helpful, but they won't prevent falls, wandering, unsafe behavior. Hiring care-givers, whether in our homes or the LOs home can be a regular nightmare. What happens if one doesn't show up, or arrives late, too late? What happens if those people are abusive? What happens if they are just neglectful? Just being there, but not doing anything doesn't really do it. Not all home care-givers are alike. Some are good, some great, some I wouldn't hire to care for a pet! It does happen in facilities or in homes, but unless the facility is really crappy, those who don't meet muster will be let go. What happens if there are no funds to hire in-home care-givers? Cameras in the home can help, but the abuse can happen outside the range of the camera.

There are MANY factors that must be considered when making decisions for our elders' care. It isn't that simple. We do need to be respectful, ensure our posts are just recommending one or the other solution, rather than stating it is the BEST, because the best really does hang on many considerations.

My primary objection is to those who state home-care is not only best, but continue to bash ALL facility care as wrong. As I've noted to those who post comments like this, until you can visit EVERY single facility across the country, you have no business making those statements. As I noted to one, there are close to 30,000 facilities, so it isn't likely you have checked every single one. There are plenty of us who have a LO in a GOOD facility, with great care provided. It frees us up as well, to have pleasant visits with our LO rather than playing nurse-maid only and having whatever relationship remained ruined by overwork, stress, and constant negative feedback from said LO.

My decision to place my mother was done with careful consideration. We tried bringing in aides. Nope, she refused to let them in after less than 2 months. My house isn't safe for her, nor could I provide the physical help she would need. The bathrooms are too small to make handicap accessible and the house is mid-repair. Brothers had no clue, so it would have been like putting her into the worst facility out there if that option was taken!

Choosing a facility, if one can't or won't provide the care should be done carefully. See, hear, smell, taste, feel. Don't just view the brochures or rely on the simple tour most places provide. Go other times just to see for yourself. Talk to staff and residents. If a place restricts visitors, skip that one. A facility should welcome anyone during normal hours, and not restrict access. If funds are available, choose a non-profit. For profits are more likely to "cut corners" in care and services. YOU are the one who is charged with ensuring this is the best place for your LO. Not reviews. Not glowing words on a web page. Once you choose a place, make sure you visit often enough and at different times of the day, to check on your LO. If you have any misgivings, find another place.

Also to be continued...
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Disgustedtoo,

So very well said.

I am like Lea, frustrated by posters who feel all facility care is poor or that it shouldn’t ever be done! That is just insane!

You are right, it is why I did the post about misguided guilt. People have misguided guilt and misguided compassion too. It takes time to come out of it!!! Doesn’t happen overnight. Patience is needed when speaking to someone in these situations.

Now, I realize that people who don’t believe in facilities will NEVER be convinced and like you say, it will be an ongoing argument forever so for the most part, it is a waste of time and energy.

I understand if anyone wants to voice their opinions. Most do this but I don’t hold my breath in the hopes of being heard.

Honestly, I really don’t care what these types of people think or feel. They are entitled to their opinions. I do hate that they spread ignorant ideas but I can’t change it and they thrive on the attention, I don’t need the headache!

I will not discount the wonderful caregivers at home.

I have done it myself and everyone needs a place to vent!

They shouldn’t be told to place their loved ones in every posts. So, it goes both ways.

Of course, there are people whose loved ones would be better off in a facility and we should gently suggest it.

I hate to read smug comments from either side. No one responds to ‘smugness or know it all’ attitudes.

Bottom line, there are crappy home caregivers, wonderful ones and everything in between.

Same thing with facility care. Some are great, some mediocre and some crappy!
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Repeating again, to ensure this is clear:

My primary objection is not to those who state home-care is best, but those who continue to bash ALL facility care as wrong. Although it isn't as bad, those who immediately state/demand placing a LO should also be toned down a bit. These should ALL be stated as a preference, but with understanding that one-size does not fit all. Home-care isn't always feasible. Facility care isn't always affordable. Sometimes the original post doesn't provide enough information, so ASK questions, find out what the situation is, then make your recommendations. We can't ASSUME to know everyone's circumstances, financial situation or past/present interpersonal relationships.

In some instances a medical condition (UTIs or other infections) can precipitate a change that makes home-care seem untenable. This is where asking questions can help. If something changed recently/quickly, recommend getting a medical assessment and if treatment works and one can continue home-care, great. If not, then suggest considering facility care.

Finances and dealing with recalcitrant LOs can impact decisions. Many assume POAs give us the authority to force a move. It doesn't. Many assume one can choose a NH, using Medicaid when finances aren't sufficient for AL or MC. Not so. Every state has different rules about income limits. Many don't cover AL or MC care. NHs also have say, because those who don't need specialized nursing care likely won't qualify.

PLEASE, try to be more patient and understanding. What works for you may not work for someone else. State your preferences, NOT your opinions.

I've posted it before, but here goes again:

I could not provide the necessary physical care for my mother.
My mother was NOT safe in her own home.
My mother refused to allow aides into her place.
My mother had sufficient funds to pay for care.
I chose the facility carefully, close to my home to allow visits often.
I often chatted with residents of the IL and AL sections.
With one exception, the residents were HAPPY to be there.
I interfaced with mom, staff and other residents in MC.
I would show up at different times for visits.
EVERY time I visited, mom was clean, alert, well fed and cared for.
I often ate meals w/out prearranging, so it was regular fare.
The food was good, NOT dog food.
The activities were fun for the residents.
Residents were not sitting around, doped up.
The staff was always concerned about any changes.
Any issues or concerns, I was notified right away.
Staff was devastated when we lost mom (due to strokes at 97.)
I personally have NO qualms about the facility my mother was in.
I have told my kids to use this place if I ever need care.

Again, be mindful that you state your PREFERENCES, NOT your opinions, and PLEASE stop lumping all facilities into one category (bad.) The ones you have experience with might be bad, but you don't know ALL facilities. There have been enough comments from us who value the facilities our LOs resided in to show that there ARE good places out there, it's just up to YOU to find them.
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Disgustedtoo: Amen. What irks me most is the feeling that we have to keep 'justifying' our choice to place our loved one. "As if" an explanation is required to those wagging their fingers at us, passing judgement & telling us how 'wrong' we are b/c our mother's 'took care of us as babies' and now it's 'our turn' to take care of them. As if there is ANY comparison, or as if there SHOULD BE any comparison, whatsoever. Having a baby out of choice, caring for him and watching him grow to an adult & become a productive member of society is 100% different than caring for a full grown, diapered adult who's declining daily, not thriving, and on the road to death. If we can do that, great, if not, NOT. Keeping a parent in our home and being resentful about it, screaming at him all day long, is nothing to be 'proud of' either. Either keep the parent at home & be okay with that decision, or PLACE HIM. We read so many horror stories here about the 'child' being SO enmeshed and co-dependent with the parent that they're unable to function, literally, the guilt eating away at them, and still they carry on with the daily care, then forever live in GUILT once the parent dies ANYWAY. Is this the purpose of life, to be a martyr? And what good is the child doing for the parent, in the long run? This is not a blanket statement for ALL in-home caregivers, of course not..........just those we read about who are SO full of anger & resentment that they're boiling over with it, yet still doing it.

BundleofJoy: Your posts are always so full of love and light; I enjoy reading what you write to others ALL the time. You are a blessing to have around here, you really are.
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lealonnie1 - love those who compare caring for a full grown adult, sometimes overweight or a man who is much larger than we women are is the same as caring for a baby or toddler!

There are comparisons that can be made, but only in respect to the care needed or behaviors. DOING the care is NOT the same. Correcting the behaviors often never works.

For those who must work to survive AND ensure they have the finances and ability to care for themselves in their own old age, there is usually the option for day-care and/or school, which enables us to continue supporting ourselves while raising kids. Also, kids generally grow, both in size and capability, while elders continue to decline.

Yes, there are day-cares for adults as well, but my mother tried one for my father. He wasn't that far down the road and he resented being in a place with those who were pretty much incapable of much interaction or ability. There weren't really any others in the area, so that didn't work for her.

I waited to contemplate my response, and also see what negative responses showed up. Generally posts like yours are preaching to the choir!

I can't stress enough though, that this topic is mainly to address the blanket statements, often defended as opinions, that all facilities are bad. I also did touch on the comments that immediately suggest placing someone in a care facility. It isn't always possible. As you note, the difficulties and guilt expressed by those who are doing home-care and are suffering for it need to be considered. Those who voice their "opinions" and lay guilt don't even accept that it IS opinion or that their statements are guilt inducing, laying the blame for more feeling of guilt on the person who posted the initial comment.

We also know the common expression for opinions, right? ;-)
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The thing is, not you, nor anyone has to keep justifying your decision, whatever it is.

No one is walking in your shoes.

Be proud of the efforts you put out on behalf of the LO you are caring for, whatever they are.

Don't waste time or energy defending yourself.

If people question or comment find ways to deflect them.

Love yourself and your choices.
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No matter what a family chooses for an elder the decision is always hard to make. On the one hand folks want to keep the person at home and they have the best of intentions, but they have no idea what it's really like and what their life will become.
On the other hand, when a LO is placed in a resident care facility it's guaranteed. No one in the family has to uproot their lives or bring in contractors to bust up their house installing ramps and lift chairs. Many nursing homes and assisted living facilities are very nice places with quality staff who really do their jobs well and look after your LO right. This is true.
Here's something else that's also true. Regardless of excellent quality hands-on care in a facility, no business end of any nursing home or AL in this country can be trusted on any level. The business part of these places will blatantly abuse an elder's finances and will pull any and every kind of underhanded act and even downright criminal thievery.
It's all about having common sense. If you're placing your loved one in a nursing home or AL, you will make sure they are being well cared for. You will research such things as ratio of CNA staff per number of patients. You'll pop in regularly. You'll talk to family members of residents already living there to get their input too.
Always ask resident's family members about the billing and how they would rate it. More times than not they will tell you some things.
Never sign any nursing home documents that haven't been reviewed by a lawyer. If your LO is paying out of pocket and is not on Medicaid, do not give them a social security number or any account numbers because every business end of any nursing home or AL will rip a person off.
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Golden,

I couldn’t agree more. I have begun to think like you do about this more and more on any topic, not just caregiving!

We are who we are! We do not have to explain ourselves!

Thank you for this wise reminder.

I find that when I follow this way of thinking, I have the most peace.
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dear lea :),

very sweet of you, thanks! :)
i wish us all strength :).

we don't know each other, but somehow know each other a little through this forum. you have also brightened my day with your messages.

hug! onwards and courage!
live life!

bundle :)
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"The thing is, not you, nor anyone has to keep justifying your decision, whatever it is."

This is true. I do post examples for how facility care was great for my mother, in response to some who bash. For me it isn't so much defending or justifying my decision, but to let the basher know they are wrong AND to perhaps help the OP know there are good places! If we never address these comments, it may be assumed that facility care is crappy!

However, most of the time I respond to the bashers is to ensure the person who posted the comment or others trying to negotiate their own journeys doesn't come away with the wrong message.

IF they only posted preferences, I would NOT really feel the need to speak up. Those who lump all facilities together as bad DO need to be responded to, hopefully just to get them to tone it down or to help ensure the OP isn't turned off. I will sometimes also respond to those who think placing a LO is the only answer.

While on the topic of "assuming", there have been other postings that sometimes get a bit heated. While care by siblings isn't always shared, or perhaps isn't shared "equally", projecting your own anger and disdain for siblings who don't help, don't help enough or criticize you isn't productive. Sharing commiseration is okay, but if you just ASSUME the sibling who isn't sharing the care 50-50 because they are not local is really bad or like your own situation, you could be wrong.

The case in point was back in December. Many posts were helpful, but many others were not. I resorted to PMs rather than just commenting and it turns out the issue causing the big problem was an infection in the mother's mouth! OP responded to me that once treated, mom returned to her old self and she had a good heart to heart talk with her sister. I had recommended OP post the same information to the thread, but she did not. I don't blame her. She was probably worried she would get more flak. Today I took it upon myself to post an update there, asking forgiveness from OP for stepping in, perhaps overstepping, but I felt it needed to be said.

So, along with tempering comments about home-care vs facility care, everyone should be mindful that while YOUR situation may seem similar to the one the OP is describing, you don't know all the details. Try commiseration, understanding, support, asking questions etc before assuming you know everything and that lambasting the person would be the best solution. The similarities may be less than the differences in each of your own situations...
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BurntCaregiver: My folks have lived at the same ALF since 2015 (Dad passed in June of 15 and mom has been there ever since, and in the MC bldg since June of 2019). Not ONCE has there been an incorrect bill, never mind " blatant abuse an elder's finances and will pull any and every kind of underhanded act and even downright criminal thievery.' That statement makes no sense, since the MC has no access to my mother's finances at all. Again, it's only common sense to pay attention to the care your loved one is getting in managed care, and not to hand out private pay financial information to ANYONE, never mind ALFs or MCs or SNFs!!!!!
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Bottom line is that this forum isn’t a contest, meaning it’s us against them or vice versa.

Most people can see through ridiculous statements made by certain people. If not, we can call them out. If they respond positively great. If not, it’s a shame but I am not surprised at the reactions of close minded individuals.

There may be some people that we have more in common with than we think we do.

Others, are polar opposite of us! They can be annoying.

Some people we genuinely feel a connection to.

I wish everyone well. I accept that I will regard some opinions higher than others because they are more in line with my own personal beliefs.

While I believe in hearing all opinions because that is how we learn from each other, I don’t feel as if I have to change what I believe, and I will not take on the responsibility of trying to convince close minded individuals. I don’t need that headache in my life.

I certainly don’t expect or even need everyone to like or accept me.

I have been this way since childhood.

I can remember as far back as 2nd grade when a new kid came to my school. She was very shy.

I brought my jump rope to school everyday to play with at recess.

We used to play that game, ‘I like coffee. I like tea. I want ? to jump in with me!’

My friends and I loved playing that game.

I saw the new kid by herself. So I asked her to jump in with me with my jump rope. We started laughing and playing.

My friends told me, “If you play with her, we won’t play with you.”

My new friend said, “You better stop playing with me because they will no longer be your friend.”

I looked at her and said, “No! They aren’t going to tell me who I can’t play with. I want to be your friend.” I continued playing with her. That was that!

Bullies moved on because they didn’t upset me. They also knew that I didn’t care what they thought.

I was teeny tiny but I stood my ground.

I don’t know where I learned that. I suppose my parents and grandparents. Or maybe from fighting with my brothers! LOL

I just know that the more I pay attention to what matters the most versus what matters the least, the happier and more at peace I am.

I respect people with different opinions than myself. I do not respect when people are not respectful of others. It’s sad to see.
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I just found your post today lealonnie. THANK YOU for your post and a great big hug to you!!! Thank you!!! I would have found a nice assisted living for my mother but she refused. She was mentally competent according to the law and the doctors.

If someone had walked in my mothers house they surely would have blamed me for the way my mother was living. A huge hoarding situation, she refused to bathe or wash her hair or change her clothes. She even had a couple or sores on her bottom that she told me about. I said let me wash them for you. She would say no and then scream elder abuse at me!!!

So many things I had to let go because of her refusal. I begged people to help me. I begged the doctors. I called APS, I begged the social worker, I begged the elder lawyer. They all said the same thing. I’m sorry there is nothing we can do because she is competent. They went on to tell me that just because someone makes bad decisions does not make them incompetent.

Just because someone has mental illness does not make them incompetent.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn. I remember one of the fireman coming to my mothers house and calling me to tell me her house needs to be cleaned up. Really???! I told him to go ahead and clean it. See what happens when you throw out ONE piece of paper.

I begged APS to come to the house and see how she lived. I begged Social workers to come out and see how she lived. I begged her own doctor to come out to her house and see how she lived.

They said if she won’t open the door, there is nothing we can do. Of course she won’t open the door. It’s locked and she won’t open it for anyone, I used my key.

So thank you lealonnie for pointing out we can’t judge anyone because sometimes things appear one way, but in reality it’s something else. Big hugs to you!!!
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Lea,

It’s not just facility care. The postings that break my heart the most are the ones that say that hospice kills people!

Again, not all hospice facilities are the same.

Certainly, the one my brother had was fantastic!

I have heard you speak highly of hospice and surely you saw their wonderful work when you worked in the health care industry.

We cannot convince certain people that there are many end of life hospice facilities that are a blessing to the patients and their families.

My brother died comfortably and with dignity. I could not have asked for anything more than that.

Elaine, your life and your mom’s life could have been so different had she gone but she refused it.

You did your best. No one will ever question that!
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(((((((elaine)))))) You were so between a rock and a hard place.
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Thank you golden and needhelpwithmom regarding your comments about my mother. Needhelpwithmom, you are so RIGHT about hospice. Hospice doesn't kill anybody. Hospice lets people die with dignity and respect!! Hospice is there so somebody doesn't die a horrible, painful death!!!

My father had hospice and they were wonderful. Yes he needed morphine at the end but that is to be expected. My mother had end of life care as well at the hospital. They gave her morphine too and I was thankful they did. She was going to have hospice but she passed away before that ever happened. Hospice does NOT kill people!! It is there to HELP people.
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