May I Rant?

Yes, you may rant, and that was a good one.

Do you not have his cell phone number?

Going out when he arrives sounds like a good idea to me.

I completely sympathise. My three older siblings decided that a "family conference" was due. I knew nothing about it until my SIL let it slip during an unconnected phone call. "When were you planning to let me know?" I enquired (quite mildly, I thought, in the circumstances). The date approached. Nobody confirmed. Nobody suggested a time. Nobody let me know how many partners were coming. Nada. I felt exactly as you did.

Come the morning of the day, my blood was boiling and then - excuse me - bugger me if they didn't turn up at half past nine, two brothers, empty-handed. At half past eleven my sister arrived, although to be fair she had at least thought to bring plenty of picnic type food with her.

My mother was delighted to see them all. She was under the impression that they had come to see her. She didn't realise that the plan was actually to leave her alone with SIL while the rest of them sat round the kitchen table and told me I couldn't cope.

Anyway, no need to go into that. Do you like the rest of your BIL's family? Does the party include nieces/nephews that you're fond of, or any other saving-grace types? If so, at least it would give you something about the visit to look forward to, which would be a start.

Practical arrangements: don't wait for him to call you. Ring him and tell him what your and his mother's schedule is, and tell him she'd love to see him but he must fit in. As for catering, suit yourself (literally, I mean). Taking his mother out for lunch would be a lovely thing to do.

Don't put him off (although bear in mind this all may turn out to be a fantasy, in which case guess who has to deal with MIL's disappointment? - yup, you again). But get this sorted beforehand, otherwise you'll have given this f***wit an inch and he'll take a mile.

Oof. You've let me let off some steam, I'd forgotten how livid I was. Thank you, I feel better now. xxx

Of course we have his cell #. We just feel that he should consult US as well as his mother if he is planning a visit - that it is the decent thing to do.

She doesn't even always remember to mention that he called. She said he called last week and today is the first time she mentioned the possible visit.

Everything he does and everything he doesn't do makes me angry. And she sticks up for him and said 'Well, he told ME' - and I said but he didn't tell ME!

I told her there are days I don't get dressed or do my hair or whatever and I would appreciate knowing AHEAD OF TIME if guests are going to show up here!

I told her he was the rudest jerk I know. Oh, 'poor baby' is what I should have said - she said he is 'so busy' and I said busy is just an excuse. Sorry for the continued rant. :0(

I am going to go put on a nice CD and turn it up and try to think of something else for a while :0) Thanks all.

My sister in law has never called me in over 30 years. I have never had a real conversation with any of his grown children.

They live in another state and we are not and have never been on their top ten list. They are civil. We are civil.

They are 'busy' people and they are of higher economic status and have very little to do with 'losers.' (yes, our son was visiting them a few years back and they were going on and on and on about these people who were 'losers' and he sat there and realized that HE was a loser and WE were losers - in their eyes - and he never went to see them again.)

The strained relationship we feel is due to their mother and her 'habit' of bad mouthing her children to each other for years and years. Basically, none of them know whether there is any truth in the crap she has fed them their whole life - but there was enough of it to keep them from ever having a normal brotherly relationship. We assume that once she is gone - we will never see any of them again.

My MIL has 3 DIL's - two have never called her on the phone and they have been in the family over 30 years each! No cards or flowers when ill. NADA.

Why I bit off caregiving this person is beyond me. Glutton for punishment, I guess.

jeannegibbs - re: cell number. He never answers our calls. Rarely returns our calls. He ignores our texts and emails. I have STOPPED contacting him. Why I say he is rude, I mean he IS RUDE!!

The impending visit may exist only in her mind. Dementia patients alter the facts to suit their fantasy. You should definitely go out, lock your doors and have a day at the spa. Do not cook or clean or accommodate them in any way. Let the chips fall where they may. Do not change any of her appointments. He can take her if he's in town. It's called making boundaries to protect your own sanity. You can only be a doormat if you allow yourself to be stepped on.

Of course the ill-mannered little sod should call you if he plans to stay in your home, where you do the shopping, clean the baths and LOOK AFTER HIS MOTHER. Of course he should, and you could point that out to him in plain terms some day.

I'm just thinking of pre-empting the worse bad manners of his turning up effectively unannounced, which would hurt his mother's tender feelings, which would then be somehow your problem not his...

I won't call or text him again - because I will not give him another opportunity to insult me by not acknowledging me.

I do not intend to changer her appointments - it will fill her entire day on Tuesday - hubby takes her - they will leave at 10 and won't be home until 3 or 4 p.m. If she doesn't have enough sense to tell him she has doctor appointments and he hasn't the decency to check with someone who actually KNOWS - then so be it if he arrives on Tuesday. I intend to be GONE too. Hubby has mom - it's my day off!

I think being GONE is the best way to deal with this any way you look at it. They are not coming to see me or my hubby - we just happen to live here. They never pass any of their visits by us EVER and only stay a couple of hours. They stopped by for two hours on their way home from a vacation last Aug. when she was hospitalized. Time before, they came while we were away on a trip (friends and our kids were looking after mom) - they came while we were away because then they don't have to 'deal with us.'

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support and suggestions. I didn't think I was the only one who would feel he was being ill mannered and discourteous. But mommy loves her baby and will take him any way she can.

Sad to think we could be that way one day - where we take the ones who care for us for granted and coo over the ones who ignore us completely. Sad. My youngest child told me the other day - 'mom, you know that if grandma doesn't appreciate you guys and thinks the world of the others who ignore her - you know where the problem lies don't you? It's GRANDMA! Bless the hearts of our children - one day they will choose our nursing home.

I expect she does love him. That's what's so sad.

But I can understand how you feel. I'll cross my fingers that he was fobbing her off and never really intended to visit. Although that's even sadder...

Yes, he has done that too. He has come for a week's respite and left her the day after we went on our trip. Kids called us to tell us he was 'gone' and she was home alone and at THAT time, had been recently hospitalized, was on pain killers for sciatica and steroids that made her glucose levels run in the 300's and she should NOT have been home alone. She told him 'I'm ok' and he left her and went to Las Vegas - had no intention of staying with her while we were gone. So, after 3 days we were back home again with me nearly having a stroke due to his selfishness! But, moms love their kids no matter what! I know I do :o) it is just sad that some neglect them so badly.

Oldcodger2, I've just had a complete change of heart. I wouldn't go out on the Tuesday. I would sit in wait by the front door, ideally stroking a Persian cat, and ask - civilly, indeed, the perfect approach - if I could "have a word."

Honoré de Balzac wrote a novel on exactly this theme called "The Black Sheep." I wouldn't say it has a happy ending but it's certainly gratifying for us caregivers. I don't know if it's a comfort or not to know that this kind of selfish brat has been with us down the centuries…

Oldcodger, I worry about you almost having a stroke! You are letting this jerk live inside your brain. I wish you could shrink him down into the useless little twerp he is. Your children have been raised to have good values, so you have no reason to fell "less than" to him. His kids probably don't like him much either!

How could you get him to bother you less? Could you write him a nasty letter that you will never send, just to get the thoughts out of your mind? And make a voodoo doll of him and stick pins in it? Make a ceremony of burning the doll and the letter, to put him out of your life forever.

A more mature and traditional approach would be to get some therapy, but voodoo dolls are more fun.

His name will turn up from time to time, but to quote that song, "Now he's just somebody that I used to know." He will continue to be subhuman slime, but you will no longer care, except very briefly. (I wish that would work!)

OC, I feel so badly for you. Honest to God, I'd get a divorce before I'd take on any man's mother. That's the deal breaker from hell for me. Maybe it's time to think about alternate arrangements. YOU could end up keeling over before SHE does from all this stress and mess. Have you considered it?

OH - the 'near stroke' episode happened some time ago. No more of that! Nope. I went away for two weeks in Aug. 2012 and came back a new woman. New boundaries! New way of thinking (for the most part :0). No more am I on the bottom of the list or absent from the list altogether. I know that if I don't take care of myself - no one else will.

No more will I correspond with someone who does not have the decency to answer. No more will I hang around waiting on him to 'show up' for his little visit that salves his conscience for another year!

We call him Uncle Jerk. That is exactly what he is and I use that term to describe him to his mother - 'kindly' of course. But I do call him a jerk and tell her why. She knows in her heart he is a jerk too - but he is her 'baby.' He can do no wrong. Anyone who calls hears about how successful he is, etc. You'd think he was God's gift to mothers. I told her once she can be thankful to God that HE isn't the one caring for her ............

I told her he is an inconsiderate jerk. Plain and Simple. It just irks me that he continues to do what he continues to do. But, this time I won't be home. :0) No strokes. I had a small flare of anger when she said he 'might' be coming - and did this post. I should have waited 24 hours before posting. I am 'over it' and his visit is 'their' business. Just hope she tells me if/when he is coming so I can be gone. Of course, it is VERY possible that the responses here helped me 'get over it' so quickly. That, and realizing that in the grand scheme of things - what we are dealing with is really not that big a deal. I am 'trying' to think differently - not let him ruin ALL my days. :0)

Hubby says if he shows up Tuesday - too bad. He will have to cool his heals somewhere until they get back from her appointments. There is NO WAY he is cancelling them or rescheduling them. She is leaving for AZ to visit her sister soon and we have to cover all her bases first and there is only so much time.

Sorry for that rant - but once in a while I do that. :0(

Rant away. Who can blame you? x

I'm so glad to hear you've got it in perspective. I'm also glad you posted when you did. I try to appear rational and controlled all the time, and it's not that good for me. Your rant gives us a chance to stroke you, and let you know we care. We all need that.