Married siblings using their marital status to avoid caregiving.

Sylvia-
Thanks, I needed that on this especially trying day.

This is a very helpful site, it's hard dealing with siblings during a time like this. But you are 100% right in saying you will have no regrets, because when the time came and we had to place my mother because she reached the point of skilled nursing I had no regrets, I knew in my heart that I did the very best I could. I can live with that. If my mother didn't have dementia she would be right here in this house with me. But the dementia and her behaviors make that impossible,, that part makes me sad , the disease makes me sad, I still get choked up when I enter the memory center and see some of the real progressed Its heartbreaking but the people that work in the memory center are so kind to them and patient, I am glad that they are being treated with kindness and respect. I have seen such an amazing difference in this memory center compared to the nursing home my mom was in. The aids and nurses actually like their job, and know how to deal with issues stemming from dementia. We were reluctant to move my mom because of how bad change is for them, but it was the right decision for sure. Take care and God bless

Oh wow, Sylvia..you hit the nail on the head when you said they needed to see what a caregiver goes through...I truly believe if my brother would keep my Mom for one week, his tune would change substantially......I pretty much disregard advice from folks who have never been caregivers...(and from whom I am pretty sure never would be) or else just sift through it and use what you want and take it for what it is...advice based on non experience....From having helped my Mom with my Dad all those years ago, and now having the full 24/7 responsibility for Mom, I have to say I knew it would be difficult going in...I accepted that....but as difficult as I knew it would be, I had no clue until I actually started living it....I have to admit that I joined this site a while back, but then got into the day to day routine and just peeped in now and then but didn't comment or ask questions....I have to say it is amazingly helpful to know there are folks here who know exactly how I feel... :)

Whitney,
My sister and I live in separate states and I am doing it all at this point. It seems when her marriage is going well I keep my mom. I am divorced with a daughter in college so I have just me. I think some of the comments you received were harsh. It is hard being a caregiver and this site is supposed to be a helpful non-judgemental place for us to vent and ask without being criticized. You are not alone and I know how it feels because I vacillate between being angry with my sister and then feeling guilty for being jealous yep there it is I am jealous but I am the care giver so I have to keep going. It seems so easy for some people on this site to just say to get informed find resources but in reality it is hard. I have to work too and finding help in Pittsburgh Pa is not easy.
Hang in there and if you want to vent go for it! Some of us out here get it and won't tell you what you should be doing....some of us here are here for support not criticism.
Good luck!

meant they are NOT going to change because they don't want to...

I am single as well and have heard the excuse of not helping due to the fact that my brother "has a wife, and has a life" ...I have decided that it is an excuse as well. Neither he nor his wife want, or are going to help. His wife has not been to visit my Mom since Easter of 2012. She passes the turn off to our home every week on the way home from their weekend "lake house"....I have been angry for so long and all it is doing is making me angrier and ill. They are going to change because they do not want to. A little appreciation would be nice now and then, but that isn't coming either...so I revert back to why I am doing this in the first place....for my Mom. I do get frustrated, aggravation, angry even, but I do love her. This is too difficult of a job to do it for any other reason...love. I have my moments...I seem to have a lot more of them lately. I had stopped expecting anything from my brother or my sister in law and it is going to be their loss one day. I will have no regrets...they probably won't either...but then again they might ..and then it will be too late....

Same thing here, one brother and one sister, neither one care about their Mom. Mom just had eye surgery, not a phone call, nothing. I am so tired. I've been telling myself this: I do ALL things in service to the Lord. This is helping me thru. Church, Bible Study, Christian Radio/TV also help me. Find new friends that may turn into family, that's what I'm trying to do. Hang in there, your loved one needs you, and sounds like you are all they have!

Yes that is so true, I think its a fair thing to ask of siblings. Because It takes living in the home to know and understand what life becomes.

Sylvia, you are so fortunate to have a bro that has a good idea sin he took the time and made the commitment to stay with you! I wish more of our subs would do the same, maybe some of the sibling issues would decrease or resolve.

I was a single mom with a sixteen year old son when I agreed to live with my mother, I read the 36 hour day, and I believe it states somewhere that a single mom who works fulltime is not the ideal caregiver. Boy was that an understatement. LOL the challenges of a teenager alone and add demented mother to the mix.. Talk about stress. I think its an excuse for your sister, because I would think the opposite, someone who is married and has help with the household financially and emotionally would have a better support system. I had a great sister that was a huge support for me , one brother and his wife gave suggestions and became houdini,, the other brother was skeptical of my complaints but took the time to come down with his wife and live with us for one week. After that week (my mother was in true form) they were on my team. I truly believe you have to live with someone with dementia to truly understand how hard it is. I dealt with alot alone for sometime before this happened and within a month my stress was so high my siblings were a fading memory , I didn't have the energy to argue or try to make them understand, I just gave up on them because it wasn't worth the extra stress.. I love my brother for taking the time to come and live it himself, unfortunately such as life in most cases it has to be personal for someone to understand.. Good luck and God bless

Whitney,
Set the limits of what you are willing to do based on yourself, and accept the limits others set. That is all you can do. Your sis is using her husband and children s an excuse. Too bad for her, the example her children see is the example they shall likely follow. You cannot make her be more helpful, you can ask.

Do not give up your life to take care of your parents, keep your job or career, especially if you are a single income person

I have two sibs within 10 miles of her, seldom see mom, one married the other divorced as I am. Divorced sib is just too plain stubborn, obstinate and self-centered to want to get involved and blames her complete lack of involvement on me over something she was not happy about two years ago. But I serve as her excuse. She lives 5 miles away, has seen mom 3 or 4 times this year for 2 or 3 hours. So, there are subs willing to help and those that are not, your sis sounds like the later and is using marriage as an excuse.

Well, I'm married & I was my mom's caregiver until she passed, so your sister is just making a lame attempt at an excuse. You're not going to be able to change her mind - I tried and failed with my sister - and get her to help if she doesn't want to, so save yourself the time and aggravation and move on without her help. Do yourself a favor and ask your mom to sign a POA for you so you can have control when need be - you don't want your sister to swoop in and suddenly be "concerned" when there's financial decisions to be made at a later date, if you know what I mean.

You can't give someone a heart----this isn't the Wizard of Oz unfortunatly. Wishing it were so is just fruitless and burning up the juices in your stomach and your head and heart. Nothing you say will do anything to change this cold hearted witch so start on your own to look around in the community. There are all kinds of things out there to grab for but you have to learn to invesitgate. Sites like this are a good place to start. There are day care centers--respite care, assisted living--people in churches willing to help out but you have to stop trying "FIX" the unfixable. How much time , brain power and emotion have you stuck into HER (sister dear) Start putting all that energy where it counts. You put one foot in front of the other --think outside the box---call---ask questions of anyone on the other end of the phone or computer. People are out there waiting waiting waiting for folks like you to contact them. It takes time and effort--but--- you can put the effort into ---your sister- which you must know is a waste of time---or put your energy towards you and your own sanity. I vote for the latter. It took three months to get my mothr from Cal. to Minnessota and get her into assisted living. I spent hours investigating along with my brother----but---we kept looking and looking and looking and talking and investigating until we got the answers we needed for our family---that would fit the mold for all three of us--Mom, me and my Brother. GETER DONE GIRL--You can do it. Forget Sis---

You sister doesn't want to help. She is using an excuse that may help her justify this decision to herself. The fact that it is nonsense is really not relevant. She has decided not to help.

Now you have decisions to make. What would you do if you were an only child? You need some help in caring for your parents -- how are you going to arrange it? Start solving that issue and leave your sister out of it. Expecting help from Sister is a dead end. Being concerned about who is where on the social ladder is not getting the issue solved.

There are lots of articles and posts on this site about arranging respite, in-home care, and various types of help. If you want to describe in detail what kinds of caregiving services you now provide and what kind of help you need, people with experience can give you specific suggestions.