It's almost Christmas Day my father and mother both are in a nursing home 1280 miles from me as they choose not to move closer to their only child. In August as some of you know I went back to care for them and was fired from my employer of 13 years. I was facing back surgery before I got the call from my father finally allowing me passage to them. He wouldn't hand over the keys to the truck so he wouldn't let come help them. Since then I had everything set up help coming in 3 days a week, both had doctors appointments I met with the doctors. Dad agreed at the time to let the nurses aid drive his Explorer until after I left then he wouldn't let her. He wouldn't let the aid drive them to doctors appointments his behavior became abusive to others. Soon he started accusing everyone the nurses aid, and me of stealing from him. He went to the police saying the nurses aid stole my mothers wallet. He went to an attorney had me removed as DPOA AND MOA while they both my mother and father were incompetent and this never should have happened. My mother had several falls the month after I came home to no job. She ended up in the hospital this is where the attorney had her revoke me, I couldn't find out any information about my mother, staff was told not to speak to me. I tracked her down she was placed in a recovery nursing home. Several weeks later my father had a terrible accident that totaled his Explorer, thank God no one else was involved or hurt. He spent several weeks in the hospital were more drama ensued when my fathers sisters showed up. The sisters and the attorney made such a scene they were told they would be escorted from the hospital if they could act like adults. I filed a complaint with the Supreme Court on the attorney that revoked me, waiting for full results. I now have another attorney who is trying to straighten out this terrible mess. New attorney confronted the greedy DPOA revoking attorney and there was a fire storm. None of this needed to happen none of this, now I'm waiting to find out what next. I will need to drive back filing for guardianship over my father he's been pronounce completely incompetent, move them to a locked assisted living facility and close down their house. Move things they want to their new place sell everything else the house included. I don't want to be alone in that house by myself LONE CLOSING DOWN THEIR LIVES. God this is so painful, then I drive back to my home 1280 leaving them waiting on God so to speak. I can't stand this putting my break down on hold what next Really WHAT NEXT! I had 13 years benefits and a retirement plan with the company that fired me I was putting back money so I could take care of myself worked all the time now nothing my life is on hold at a dead stop. I'm so numb, or in unbelievable emotional pain. Medication helps some but I don't have the funds to see the doctors any longer to help me through this grief so I come here. Just feeling so hopeless today thanks for listening if you dare read this post!
Tonight my mother got upset with me because she was writing a check for the church and I told her she had already given the offering. She voided the check and said that she could never do anything to please me. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, though I realize I hadn't. Still I felt bad.
This evening I started looking at houses again in a place I used to live. I found a perfect one. It was in my price range and had everything I needed. My own cabinets, my own big closets, two bath tubs -- one was a garden tub, a huge yard. And it was right around the corner from my old house that has so many good memories. I felt free just thinking of opening those empty cabinets and walking through the uncluttered rooms. It made me happy just to be me in my mind.
So why waste energy worrying about people who are impossible to please? Why not, instead, pursue the things that we need to make our own lives happy? So often we have a very unsatisfactory trade-off. We make our own lives miserable trying to make theirs a little more tolerable (we think). But even then they are not happy. It seems pointless to keep spending so much energy on something that makes everyone miserable.
I spoke to the good attorney she went buy to see my parents today again, so blessed to have found this attorney and yes it was a God deal how it happened. She knows how to work with my parents, all of us involved. My parents don't know this but I'm having the new attorney file for guardianship over both it's that bad. I told the attorney I don't want it, she will keep me informed we will share the financial responsibility, as I don't want to be the sole person responsible due to previous experience. This is going to be so expensive but there was no way around it, my father is his worse enemy, the threats, attempts to escape, they are finally going to be locked up, sounds horrible, I refuse to feel guilty about this. If my father drove again he could kill someone but he's to out of it to even thing of others only his rights. I vacillate between extremes, having terrible anger, hurt, fear, feeling sorry for them, and compassion. But bottom line they still no nothing of how their choices or lack there of have affected so many lives. The attorney said if I could come up in January that would be helpful otherwise she will work something out, I'm still deciding. I want to forgive and let go, the anger I've felt over my childhood is hurting me over and over again when I hear my father yelling at me or my mother. But I'm getting some information I didn't know about my parents that has helped me understand what the hell happened to me! Again thank each and everyone of you for sharing.
There needs to be recovery group for people dealing this type of dysfunctional parent end of life issues, this might be the beginning. I will tell you one thing, you guys are hero's no matter what you're feeling, you guys rock, all of you!
Strange how such simple things can seem like a luxury when we've gone without for too long. Still there is the question of what to do with Mother. She will fight any type of change.
Jessie - go for it!!! Of course your mother will fight change however big or small it is. Do it anyway. You will figure it out.
Bermuda - where did your inspiration lead you?
mbvargo - good for you too! That is awesome. Humor sure does help. I have been known to stick my tongue out at my mother when her back was turned. That was years ago, but it helped at the time.
Let's see that 2014 is a good year The "Take back Your Power" year! On another thread with a similar theme, one gal took back her power and her mother is now in assisted living under the care of professionals. Her situation was pretty bad too. Some of you may remember Lisa or survivor2. We called ourselves the KAG - the kick ass girls - a form of wonder women and wore blue tights and tuna cans in the appropriate places, Think we have a few KAG's here too! ((((((hugs))))) to all
We do need to focus on taking back "Our Power" deleting the preprograming of childhood drama the guilt, shame along with all the rest of the of negative emotions. I'm saying this cause I so need to hear this myself. I've had so many memories come back from childhood abuse, they never seem to go away which I get. However every time I remember it's all in how I process it as how I will heal from the remember revelation, I HAVE A CHANCE TO BE who I want to be! One day if I don't go first, I will never have to be in contact with the people places and things that draw me back to my past abuse once it's over they've pasted. It's true, gut level honest it's true. News flash not many get the Norman Rockwall depiction of childhood, or John boy's fawn memories on Walton's Mountain, on the farm, damn sure wasn't my life! For awhile so I could survive I had to tell myself it was just like that so I could survive my childhood, I lied to myself to survive. As I grew older went to therapy, found out I could face the truth it hurts like hell at times but again it gets better, the process gets better. So today was a bit of a struggle but I made it through another day. I'm a bit anxious because I do know that I will be going back east in another week or so I'm going to finish this. I've got to move through it to get to the other side of me, the new me! I've decided I will hold my head high face all the people my father has slandered me too, some love me and know the truth others don't they've chosen to believe the worst the untruth. But I'm going with dignity, strength and grace, to close up the house get them the items that will bring them comfort.
I will go nuts while I'm there a few times I'm sure, feel like I'm failing or wrong to have gone, collapse from exhaustion, feel negative feelings about everyone! But there is a spiritual gift on the other side of this that awaits me I can feel it! I have to push through what I'm feeling now get to the other side of this with as much kindness, forgiveness, love as I can find for me. I'm looking for me the new me, the me that I will raise up, spend the rest of my days with. Who makes choices from a different self esteem reference then the one I've lived under, because I let them define me! Yep I will be going back to find the gift, in me, that is me! Still hesitating BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS! As usual thanks for listening just had to get that out! I'm good cop now though !!!!! LOL
I am so glad you realise it won't be easy. That is being realistic, But you also have tools to get through it, and you will, and feel good about it, Be sure to look after yourself as it will be hard on you emotionally and probably physically.
Oh my word, you are the good cop! That's awesome. I remember one summer when mother took a down turn. Between my sis, my daughter and I we took turns being Curly, Mo, and Larry. One was the golden girl, one was the black sheep and one was ignored. It switched almost weekly. I was disinherited that summer, my daughter was the golden girl at one point and most of mother's inheritance went to her children - my grandkids - against my daughter's wishes, But it changed again and finally settled down that fall.
You are a smart cookie, Zoo. Doing great - definitely worthy of blue tights and tuna cams LOL. Better add some magic bracelets to deflect the toxic bullets.
Big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I hear you. I am sick of the insanity - and feel like smashing something.
My best girlfriend - knew her over 45 years died in a car crash just before Christmas - doesn't help.
You and I will get through this.
Saw this on face book from a page called "Queen of Your Own Life". There are some writings called Queenisms -
example -
“There had been friends and family who had caused her a world of anger and hate. She decided it was time to take back her power by using this simple action and phrase, “As I breathe in calm and breathe out anger, I set myself free from other people’s toxic drama. She was most definitely Queen of her own life.”
Here is another one
Life had indeed smacked her around a bit but she didn’t need to wallow in it anymore. She made the choice to stop being and feeling like a victim and to call herself what she was, a brave survivor. So sayeth the warrior Queen.
From one warrior Queen to another - we may be bruised and down a bit, but we will rise again. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
But your right Emjo this Warrior Princess is going to keep getting up and moving forward! Thank God and I hope and pray the Killer Ants (the twisted sisters) are out of the picture for good!
It would appear that the Killer Ants thought they were all getting 33% each of the will maybe they are not sure no one knows now. Killer Ant was asked to get good attorney a copy of the will, that's when good attorney got the email stating I Killer Ant one am no longer DPOA take my name off the paperwork, what is going on! Seems Killer Ant wanted more control as DPOA yet something made her change her mind and want to walk away, not sure what's going on. Good attorney will call evil attorney for paperwork Killer Ant one is referring too as new will written where I was ousted, after guardianship is filed to see what is going on.
Any thoughts as to what the flyin phannie could the Killer Ants be up too! LOL this is really starting to get ridiculous!
I've decided if there is an inheritance left for me I will take my break down off hold and check myself into the Adult Children's Caregiver Recovery Unit for treatment and electric shock therapy to jump start my life again, if I survive this!
Big ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) back to you too EMJO ALL OF YOU! Find the humor in the insanity it helps!
Your family is screwed - MAJOR screwed, Zoo, How did you ever come out of that mess???
Give yourself a break once in a while - just put your mind onto something else. Like Eddie used to say "Kick them out of your head, they aren't paying rent" - or something like that. Glad you have a good attorney, BIG help.
twisted sisters and killer ants - love it., You have a great imagination!!! Can just see them running around like ants... I have no idea what they are up to. I have stopped trying to figure out the crazies. It only makes me crazy. Yes it is ridiculous - can you imagine a staging it? Would make a great play, especially if you could keep a funny slant on everything.
You will survive it - you are a warrior princess. Tiara's it is -maybe we start with silver and graduate to gold and diamonds.
If there is an inheritance, I would catch a cruise to the Caribbean and enjoy the sights and the sun/ Heck - lots more fun than EST!
(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you too, and do something good for you today! You are some survivor!!!
mbvargo I LOVE the image of the moat. I have had that and the alligators, and a drawbridge, but you have taken it so much farther. Amazing ... piranas barbed wire, anti aircraft missiles, bright lights and friends. Now that can't be topped!. The imagination is a wonderful thing. You have developed some great survival tools. I think you go straight to a gold tiara!
One of my strategies is to imagine a brick wall between me and mother. | even planted climbing roses on it. Nice to look at and they have thorns.
We need to find a place of safety in ourselves. Those of us with a crazy childhood has anything but safety in our families and homes, It was a scary place at times, and just plain unpleasant at the best.
We are tributes to the survival instinct - wonder women, warrior princesses and queens, the walking wounded - limping sometimes, but always moving forward.
a few more queenisms
When we say no to the many, many requests that clamor for our attention and time, we are saying yes to the things that are stuck in our hearts. What’s in your heart just waiting for the space in your life?
She vowed to get her swagger back and decided from this moment on, she would not be invisible.
She desperately needed to detox from people pleasing and her most important tool would be the word “No” spoken with love.
She wanted other people to treat her with kindness, love and respect. So she decided to treat herself that way to show them how to do it.
I am honoured to know every one of you. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))) and blessings
Really do feel better, yet I'm still wading through the muck of the clean up for my folks their, house, and my dad is going to go Ape Poo Crazy once he figures out if he figures out he's lost his rights! But that's just how it is and who knows what the morrow will bring? Damn I go straight into panic attack mode lately at first sign of day light upon awakening after a restless nights sleep, sounds so sad, LOL, my heart mound like Ricky Ricardo's BaBaLouuuu! I like the idea for a screen play this may be the ticket! Chow....... Keep the crazy talk coming some forums you just got to laugh, Thanks again guys for the chuckles!
You do sound better. I am so glad. Hopefully the anxiety will decrease. Breath deep, Say to yourself it is only demented 1 and 2 (I like the lower case). I don't think the killer ants can do anything once the attorney has the power. They can try to raise sh*t, but I would just let them go at one another and stay strictly uninvolved. There is voice mail on your phone for a reason, and the sky doesn't fall in if you don't answer and even if you don't call back later. I am just refusing to involve myself in the crazies. If your dad goes Ape Poo Crazy that is his problem. Don't let him make it yours.
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from Queenisms again:
Drama begets drama. But you can leave the theater. If a ranting negative Nellie is without an audience, her drama will have less power over us.
At the risk of mixing metaphors, here’s another way of saying it. We’re not saying that you should abandon your loved ones or walk away from your friends. We’re saying that when we’ve done everything we can to help a drowning person but that person is more invested in causing drama than in grabbing the lifesaver, then it’s important to get in your own lifeboat and row a safe distance away. You can occasionally sound the horn and let them know that comfort and safety is available if they reach out, but you don’t need to go down in the wake.
Here’s to less drama and more calm seas in 2014.
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and a big AMEN to that!
Jessie how are the house plans coming along?
♥ Love and blessings to all ♥
Back at ya, Love and Blessings to All!