My mother is 87 yo. She has never been married and I am an only child. I married at 41 years old and moved in with my husband. 3 years into our marriage my mother began experiencing medical issues. She lived approximately 2 hours away and I would drive her to her appointments and help her with as much as possible. After it began to be a bit much, my husband agreed to moving her in with us. Her health is declining and she is using a walker. She is requiring assistance with most things. The problem is that I have family members that are willing to support us but my mother does not want to go to their home. She prefers sitting in her room and watching TV and talking on the phone ALL DAY. Her favorite past- time is to pit my husband and I against each other. She offers unsolicited information to both of us. Growing up she invited a male cousin who was 8 years my junior into our home (mother was on drugs) and she did the same thing with us. She is the queen of playing both sides. We never really bonded; but I have always felt a responsibility and obligation to her! My career requires me to travel a great deal and my mother and husband spend a great deal of time together. Initially he was OK with it; there was a time that he complained every day about something she did. It can be very difficult at times because I really never thought she had my best interest in mind. She plays mind games and now I truly believe that she and my husband are up to something. He is very manipulative as well. They have a lot in common. All of a sudden he is so helpful to her. I really believe that she witnessed something he did and they made an agreement to keep it a secret. He would be able to do some of the things he likes in my absence and her silence would provide constant support from him and ensure that a nursing home is not in her future. There is only a small bit of evidence to support my suspicion; however if I ever discovered any of it were true I would place her in a NH and divorce him. What do you think?

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1) I think Mother needs to move. It doesn't have to be into the home of another relative -- it just has to be Not Your Home.
2) I think you deserve some help in understanding and coping with the dysfunctional situations you have been/ are in. Get counseling for yourself.
3) I'm not sure that a marriage without trust is worth saving, but if you think it might be, work on it once your mother is out of the picture. Couples counseling might be useful in this regard.
4) Consider changing careers. You could write soap opera scripts!

You give your 87 year-old mother a lot of credit. Unless, I had proof of some master plan, I'd consider what is and what isn't working and make decisions about her living arrangements. If she needs care, explore other options. If it's not working, other plans can be made. I doubt that I would wait on something to happen, if I was that suspicious. I don't like mind games, so that wouldn't appeal to me.

It sounds like you grew up with a manipulative mother and you married a man you don't trust. You're painting them as two peas in a pod. I'd start with counseling for yourself to get a handle on your life choices. I'd also try to get mom moved into a place of her own. and then I'd deal with hubby and his issues.

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