I have the same problem but it is my dad. I am not asking my siblings to be caregivers I am asking them to just have some compassion and care to just call or ask... I couldn’t find a way to get over my anger and I stopped talking to them. I know many will say this is wrong but you know what? Why do I need a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about thier dad? If that is how they feel about their dad then how are they going to feel about me if I needed support or help? So such people don’t need to be in my life I deserve good people around me people who are willing to help me if I needed help and willing to step in for me and provide emotional support during a difficult time.
In response to Violet, I've been on both sides. One sister and I looked after Mom and Dad. Brother MIA. Other sister refusing to even give Mom a ride to NH to see Dad when sister worked one block from Mom's house and drove past NH on her way home. Go figure. Yeah, I was mad; but, guess what? Didn't change a thing. The sister that helped and I took care of it.
Now, FIL is disabled with a Parkinson's diagnosis. 2 sons. My husband spent several months--When they thought FIL was going to die any day--staying with him 12 hours or more overnight, trying to calm him so MIL could get some sleep, changing and cleaning him, etc. Other son did the day shift. Dad really needed more professional care than his family could provide, but he never wanted to go to a NH -- NO MATTER WHAT!!! Mom and Other son wanted to honor that. My husband advocated for NH. He finally explained to his brother why he really didn't care as much about what Dad wanted. His brother evidently didn't realize things like: Dad went to every one of brother's basketball games, only one of my husband's. Dad bought Bros first car, none for my husband. This went on from their births even through different treatment towards the grandkids. Brother claimed he never realized it, but Mom confirmed it was true. Now FIL is in NH, getting fine care. Brother drives Mom to see him every day while we winter in FL. Mom could get public transportation or a ride with neighbors who have offered, but Bro is going the martyrdom route. Interestingly, although he is POA, I'm the one who sees that Medicaid was applied for, Elder Care attorney consulted, bills get paid, etc.
In reality, we all have different talents and abilities to offer. We can't expect others to do what we can and will do. And, we don't always know their situation and motives.
Dear One, There is nothing I can add to this conversation, but I want to thank all of the wise, wonderful people posting here for being so honest. We so often think we are the only ones experiencing, thinking or feeling the way we do and look at all the connectedness and excellent advice. You all have helped me today, too. Much love.
I feel what you're feeling right now too. I'm the oldest, 52, of 3 sons. My 2 younger brothers are 49 and 48. It's a mess...Really! The youngest hasn't been down or called in 32 years; though he sends flowers on her birthday, Mothers Day and Easter. He takes care of my Dad who is in a nursing home. His bills have been paid upfront for 15 years, a lucky and forgotten investment he made 25 years ago paid off; so all my brother does is sign a paper every now and then and sees him once in a while which is Only 10 min away from Mom...at home. My middle brother is a case All by himself. Going thru alc rehab for the 3rd time and is back here for the 5th. He had the same reason for breakup as before "I dunno". He just can't seem to finish anything he starts, like washing the kitchen/bathroom walls for Mom all at once. I've done it 3X after he started, found another woman to date/move in with and then after about a year; back here. He just can't seem to deal with staying home...period...on top of spending time with Mom. Basically that's all I or anyone needs to do. She wants company and feels alone and helpless since she isn't allowed to drive anymore, by her Drs. She cleans, does laundry and nukes something when she wants to but more than not, her back bothers her to the point of not cooking because of the pain. I do cook for her. I usually make 2 different dinners, one on Tues and one on Wed for lunch and dinner for the next week. I drive for work 10pm-10am 5-6 nights a week and spend the rest of the time with Mom keeping her company and doing what she can't. There were days on end where I went to work with No sleep but finally; after exhausting 5 home care services and 84 possible employees, the very last one is able to cover the Fri-Sat-Sun 2pm-6pm that I need so I can sleep. My middle brother is there with the nurse so Mom will get used to her when he is done with rehab. Once he gets done, he's going to be out-of-state for work for 3-4 months (union pipe fitter). Now, all that I'll have to deal with is the nurse, who my brother informed me of last night, has a thing for me! As you can see, each one of us here has different time requirements, family/work situations, experiences; and in my case; an admiring caregiver who is not my type at all. There is nothing about this disease that is easy OR typical. All we can do is try to support each other, somehow, and try to give the best advice we can thru our own personal experiences. Just as a side note, I ran across something on YouTube - Binaural Beats. The last few days I left it play on my PC (right click and select LOOP so it will play nonstop), after sampling 9 of the hundreds of different ones, and last night was the First night in months I felt I got restorative sleep in just 4 hours time. I also drempt for the first time in over a year. I've started to read on of my sci-fi novels to try to relax 30 min before bed with the music on and after 3 days, it seems to be working. I know this won't help the daily struggle but if it helps you sleep better, you'll have more energy and; as it seems with me; just a little more patience throughout the day. Good luck and I pray God helps all of our L.O. & Us who are going thru this.
After caring for my aging parents 5 years now, all on my own, I just say you quickly find out who your real friends are. It hurts, it sucks, but that’s the way it is. And I leave it there and do my best to brush it off my back. I refuse to let anger—no matter how well justified—to add one more bit of stress to my life.
I finally figured out I was the "family fixer". When something went wrong I was the one that got the distinction of fixing it especially my 94 yr old mothers care. I had to be diagnosed with high blood pressure and a couple of trips to the hospital before I finally put my foot down to save myself. Once I announced that I was not going to fix everyone's problems to take care of my health they actually disappeared. It is so peaceful. I care for my 94 yr old alone, as usual, but letting go of all the injected stress from my sister that just wants her inheritance. Once I let go of my expectations of others it became so much better. I have to admit it was this website that helped me see what I was doing to myself. Hope you can find your peace!
well you can tell them that this parent took care of you & NOW YOU DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THEM TELL THEM YOU NEED HELP LET IT OUT GIVE IT TO THEM TELL THEM OFF IF YOU WANT ..IF IT IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE so good luck
I have two siblings. One doesn't do anything at all. When I say that, I mean no phone calls, no card, no visit of any type. The other lives several states away, and visits once every two or three years; when he visits, its for a week or two and he does quite a bit to help. But basically, it has just been me to support mom and dad since 2014. Dad passed in 2017. Mom has significantly declined and entered a nursing home this year. There are times I feel incredibly tired and overwhelmed. But basically, I'm it. I think the main thing I've learned is that I can't count on family.....at all. So what that does, is it encourages me to look to community for assistance. Find out what programs are available to help. These can come from county, town, church or social groups. Mom received help under frail elder waiver for example. Her town has a van that could take mom to see dad when he was in a nursing home. The town has a lovely volunteer that will come to the shut-ins house and put a chicken in the oven and while it is cooking, have tea with the shut-in providing much needed socialization. The local baptist church has a "cafe" for seniors the third Saturday of each month with entertainment or a theme. You get the idea. If you see a need, drop the hint to various organizations. Someone might pick up the ball and run with it. Hang in there and assess what your limits are. Talk to a elder services social worker or ombudsman to determine what your loved one is eligible for and know your own limits. And when it and if it becomes too much, don't feel bad.
In nearly every family, the "burden" of caring for an elderly parent almost always falls on one of the adult children. The other children just cannot be bothered - or else they cannot emotionally "deal" with it.
As a case in point, I had a former student (I teach college) who was helping care for her elderly aunt. That aunt was one of TWENTY siblings (yes, 20) - and none of them would lift a finger to assist her, even though they were capable of it. So, the niece was the only one helping.
Ever consider asking, point blank, to your siblings why they are refusing to help care for their own elderly parent? (Sometimes a little guilt trip works wonders.)
Often we have to learn how to deal with feelings once they arise. We do not necessarily have these skills until we need them re dealing with anger / frustration / disappointment. Even if we know how to deal with these, different situations bring up different emotional feelings requiring us to find appropriate useful responses. I can only re-affirm many of the valuable supportive messages here. (1) Take care of yourself (2) Get out anger in positive ways - that do not backfire on you. i.e., exercise, meditate, get the energy out in healthy ways. Overeating, drinking = numbing out and staying stuck in the anger will only hurt/affect you (and your mom). (3) Learning how to effectively deal/heal yourself will serve you for the rest of your life. (4) Consider NVC (non-violent communication) aka Compassionate Communication techniques. It is worth looking at this model of communications. Takes out the judgment and focuses on how to connect with an/other vs adding fuel to the already burning fire. And, I know that 'life isn't fair' likely doesn't make you feel better. If we want to find inner-and outer- peace of mind - and function in healthy ways, we need to deal with 'what is' and do what we can and let the rest go. Being in a state of anger will only hurt and deplete you/r energy. Gena
I feel for you, also. My family has a similar situation with my 80+ year old mom with dementia, partial blindness, and hearing loss.
Some of the things we experienced: all siblings need to be part of the decision-making. When my mom lived with one sibling, it was tough to be called to task for not helping more when the majority of us felt mom’s condition required more time and skill than any of us could provide, but that one sibling did not want mom in a facility.
The other problem was my sibling never asked for help other than a weekend break every three weeks, which my family provided. As my sibling and her husband began to suffer from caregiver burn-out, we’d ask how we could help more (because we were accused of not providing the type of help needed or when it was needed). We were told “we shouldn’t have to be told!” It was hard for everyone, and relationships have been fractured. Mom now lives with me. I still feel mom belongs in a skilled nursing facility, but I promised my sibling I’d give this a try. I’ve asked for specific help from all siblings, and they’ve done what they can. This is tough. There are no easy answers because each family and situation is different, and finances play a huge role. Communication is key. Knowing your limits is also important. Best of luck to you. xoxo
violet, not a sibling, don't really have any, but....long story but a son - their grandson they treated like theirs - so guess that kinda makes him like a brother; I'd moved and, yes, moved him off from them, or at least that's they way they both - he and mom, anyway - took it, she and he probably would have been glad had I just left him with them, though not sure how dad would have thought of it - have a comparison but will see how that goes - anyway he ended up moving back up and in with them, in and out, anyway, like the alc above, so anyway since he lived up there, after mom died and dad was by himself and he thought son/grandson wasn't doing anything, another long story, he thought they'd be doing each other a favor by grandson moving in with him - yea, I know, but you see how they think - took him a while but he finally did it, wasn't too bad at first, till he found him collapsed a few months later, winding up in icu in the hospital - now....this was the issue, this was just about 2 wks. after my granddaughter was born down here, which by itself might not have been too bad, but she was still in the hospital with pretty severe condition, but....since she had her parents I left - oh did I forget to mention he lived 5 hrs. away (which was closer than I'd moved originally) - and went up there and stayed about a month, 2 wks. him in the hospital then 2 wks. after he went home on home health, then having to make ER runs to hospital to get blood transfusions then get back to going to his blood disorder doc, though not quite that long; by then grandson - and gf - had had enough of me and were ready for me to leave, until.....gf then had a bad wreck and had to be lifeflighted out of state to the hospital or...had dad had to go back in the hospital first and was there when this happened while I was back at the hospital with my granddaughter? - yes, she had parents but mom had her own issues, not even real sure how well she did while I was gone, but....actually she was from the same place and had left gd in the hospital - granted, I was staying with her - well, some, but that's a whole other issue - to go see her family while dad was in the hospital and grandson then, while dad was in there, and he was doing better this time, not in icu, at the other hospital with gf, while turned out gd's doc and sw had been looking for mom for a week because they and nurse hadn't been communicating to know that nurse had been with mom so finally called me and told me to get her back down here, with her not being there, even if I had been, so headed up to go get here on the very day that dad was getting out of hospital, again with home health, only got all mixed up that time as to what his actual orders were so grandson back there as well, not realizing, since hadn't been there what was going on, just knew not wanting me there, which, fine, couldn't stay anyway, turned out ended up falling - again - and having to be taken in to the doctor, hurt, which, they told me, but he hadn't nor had the home health even though by then I had poa but they didn't know that, something learning from all this they don't always ask for documentation and grandson had told them he had it, took a lot to finally find that out, then wound up going out of state for a month with granddaughter, like I said re dil, then after got back another crisis with dad that grandson called about but was able to get resolved, good thing because more with granddaughter till all that was over, then after somewhat over all that was getting ready to go up and spend a week with dad to give grandson/son/gf a much needed break when got phone call he needed to come back to the hospital yet again only this time they couldn't get in touch with son/grandson, so headed up harder and earlier than had intended but guess if you can make if 5 hrs. you can make it overnight and not go till next day, which we did, by the hardest; he just never understood and had it been just me, which, yes, in a way, it was, but still....but I guess that was my choice, knew that when all was said and done with dad he was the one was going to have to deal with - me deal with him or not and him deal with what would have happened - so....but this had been going on for months, almost a year at that point, pretty much every month, then having to start being stayed with to keep him from pulling iv's out, after them not being able to get in touch with him, which I wouldn't have left him, but... plus it blowing his veins, him really needing a port, but having physical issues with having the surgery to have it put in and with the doc who'd be the one to do it plus also dad not being able to understand any of it at that point and grandson not having any authority either about intubating when he'd stop breathing while this was going on, so would call me, they hadn't even mentioned it to him, guess just waited on me to show up about the other? but of course can't wait about that, learned you only have so long to decide, so through that they always did, alternate solution iv team but they weren't at that hospital so back to doc, etc. tried to call talk to doc while there but wanted to wait till appointment, when I wouldn't be there, or guess could have stayed but wanted to have big convo do we even want to still continue doing this; knew how he felt and how he'd feel toward me if stayed and even had it, so....was somewhat another option, just needed some tests run, so more or less began process of getting that set up and left, so he got all that done, without even fully realizing what getting done but ended up not working anyway, which had somewhat expected, just too old and too far gone but getting too tired for the other, which possibly led to another er run for something else that decision had to be made, so called me, but then by time could make it, shift change and decision made to admit for week on iv antibiotics
upon typing the last about dad being admitted for that week for the iv antibiotics, especially after saying earlier he was having to have someone stay with him to keep him from pulling iv's out I was thinking about how things were then - forgot to put in there I'd also gone back up the month before for another week, actually the week of dad's 95th birthday for grandson/son and gf for a trip they were having to make regarding her wreck and settlement - long story - plus re her lawyer wanting her to file bankruptcy - have mixed feelings about that; had his nephew come over and play guitar for him; he was past the point of taking him anywhere, didn't even realize it was his birthday or what the cake and card were even about - but pretty sure grandson/son wasn't going to stay in the hospital for a week with him to make sure that didn't happen, not sure if beginning to have issues with son/dil/gd - that still had - down here, why didn't feel could go again, or...why didn't even think about it until read MDWrig's post, at the time was just glad there was a solution, since nothing else seemed to be working out...but they'd said they would sedate him for that week but maybe because he didn't have a living will or DNR, which why were calling earlier with the iv's when he would stop breathing, why not the same, was going to say didn't understand "till passed out" but, true, guess sedative normally is just to keep you calm, not sure had even thought about it, just always pictured him as being "out of it" that week but maybe they did just keep him calm, which, in some ways, makes me feel worse, but also makes me wonder if possibly they had done that earlier when he'd ended up there by himself and they'd said he was doing fine - he was asking about granddaughter in the hospital so he knew what was going on, neither of these times was he in icu, so maybe that could have made a difference, but certainly never heard anything about giving him morphine, which was always an issue with mom with, say, her grandmother, think her dad and mom, that she thought they'd always done with them, but then never thought about him being in pain either, all this here is now though; I so hope not and sugar in IV? oh, glucose, for nutrition - took me a minute on that one; not sure if thought about that, either, but if, indeed, they did have him completely sedated - "out of it" then I suppose they surely were at least doing that; I think I would have been told about a feeding tube but probably, since they were treating infection, that is probably what they were doing, but, yes, with a living will and DNR, though wouldn't it depend on what the living will said? But maybe I don't really understand the whole situation; isn't that what those documents are for? but I also understand seems they can be misused; hub and I were just having that convo and seems somebody on here was talking - they give guidance and direction but don't believe they're actual mandates, but when told hub that, he said what's the point then?
For the past 14 years I have dealt with a sibling who thinks that my parent's problems are mine because I live closer. I've had to deal exclusively with my father's dementia and other medical problems until he died and am now doing the same for my mother (minus dementia). He only lives about 250 miles away but only comes to town on holidays and special times like Mother's Day, etc. I was expected to visit with him when he decided to show up and act like nothing was wrong, which I did for a long time. I became very angry about his non involvement and had it out with him a couple of times to no avail. He think's it's my attitude and not his fault. About four years ago I had it and decided I was going to break relations with him. In my opinion, he can come see my mother at her assisted living facility (on his semi-annual visit), call her on the phone, or whatever. Just leave me out of it. I continue to handle my mother's medical, financial, and emotional needs without having to deal with the additional stress of dealing with him. I don't know what's involved in your situation but my stress has diminished greatly since I made the break. Hope things work out for you.
You can’t get rid of that sort of anger. None of the ‘look at the other point of view’ advice really works. All you can do is let it take up less room in your life.
This is a very common issue. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and you would think that everyone would do right by the woman who loved, cared and did everything she could to make sure that her children had whatever they needed when it was needed. But it was no so. I had 1 brother that lived thousands of miles away and not able to help like he would have liked. I had 2 brothers that lived right here in the same town that we lived in but because of their issues real or imagined with me or our dad they did not help and if they visited it was in very rare occasions. I had one brother that we could truly depend on and I thanked God and the angels for him and his help. When Mom passed away on 2/2/2018 you can guess who cried the loudest? Yep those that didn't have have time for Mom. I can work myself to get angry and it wouldn't take much. But you know, it's a lot of work to whip myself up into a frenzy and feed the anger. I have the memories of Mom at her best and when she was sick. I have the conversations with her that no one else did. THEY have to live with their actions or inactions, as the case may be. I also see this as a way of releasing people who are not good for me or need to be in my life. With my Mom gone, I have even less reasons or excuses to see them. Family is not always who you are related to, but the people who care about you and are with you in good times and bad. Find those people, and make time for you. It's important.
I was in the same boat all had excuses, out of 9 kids none could help, (I was the son in law ) my wife run the business because she wasn't strong enough to do the lifting to get them in bed. Three used the excuse that they had grandchildren that they had to go watch play after school and weekend games . some That they couldn't take careing because they couldn't stand there antics, some said they worked long weeks 40 hours ( I worked 108 hours caregiveing for two )The rest of the kids just never come around even though they lived less than 1/2 mile,( I lived 6 miles) in the end I was getting more angry and short fused thow I managed to hold it in. Found out whin I finally managed to get to make a doctors appointment that the stress had caused my blood suger to raise to dangerous levels from the adrenaline constantly pumping in my system wich caused a overload of hormones when the glucose could not be used , The fight or flight use of the glucose could not be utilized so build up. causing the build up of anger that I was constantly and luckily keeping under control. I had no idea that stress could cause this. I recommend every caregiver not put off self care , and test suger level . I dropped 40 pounds during my caregiveing and i was at the proper weight when i started.
LET IT JUST GO........ all I can say is push it out of your mind and enjoy the time with the person you are taking care of. I too had a lot of anger for my four sisters who couldn't even bother to call either of my parents once their health started declining. they never chipped in at all thru out the years as my parents declined. the last three years were the hardest for me as I had to take care of both of the parents and my family with a husband who has prostate cancer and parkinsons disease. not one offer from any one of them to help. i was so mad i could of screamed but as time went by i realized that they were the losers not me. i got to spend the last three years of parents life enjoying them and becoming so much closer than we ever were. i moved in with them the last year since their health was declining fast. they both recently passed. dad first and mom three weeks later both in my arms knowing how much i loved them. when i go to sleep at night i dont think of the three strangers who once i called my sisters i go to bed thanking god i got to spend the last days of their lives with laughter, love and wonderful knowledge they shared with me. i would do it all over again for them....
Until recently, after sharing my woes with my sister who lives nearby, I finally started asking my sister for more help like taking Dad to breakfast or dinner and recently to an early morning doctor's appointment when I had a conflict. She came through. She still doesn't help as much as she should or could but she sure still expect her share of any inheritance no matter how tiny and no matter how much money she has versus my lack, as I contribute nearly all I get in SS towards are household expenses. When she had the nerve to say this was as much her home as it is mine, I finally found the gumption to speak out and say oh no it's not and to tell her that as long as dad's alive it's his house and my home since I'm paying a good portion of all bills, including many she refused to pay when she lived here, tending dad's growing needs, being his full-time it manager and librarian and his endless to-do list for me. Her way of getting back at me is to show up whenever she wants and especially when dad's napping and she knows that's my only quiet alone time. I let it go but I'm feeling so much better these days, since I accepted the situation and dad now realizes how much more I do and how much nicer is home and yard are. That's priceless.
Who stepped up to the caregiving role first? Was there ever a discussion as to who would love to do the duty? Probably not. It usually boils down to who is available. At least that's the way it happened with my late mother.
I too was upset with my siblings for not caring for my mother in some way. For more than 20 years I cared for my mom and the only thing I got from them was a visit now and then. It does make it extremely hard to do it by yourself especially if its long-term. The only thing I could find that help was to give the entire situation to God and ask him for his help his strength and energy and his guidance and wisdom. It did help me to accept and continue to move forward in the help that she needed and that only I was able to give. Good luck and God bless you
The thing is when the others siblings tells everybody how much they love their mom. I think is a rare way to love when I need you the most and you are not there. Is very simple for others but when the entire responsibility is on you, believe it is hard regardless if you chosen to do it.
I feel your pain! I only have one brother..no sisters..just me and him. He has always been the type of person who keeps to himself and never helped our dad or our mother ever with anything. My dad passed away in 2006. I was there to take him to all of his appointments and there for my mother who just passed away 03/06/2018. I was the one who helped mom with everything. Brother never offered and he only visited mom once since dad passed away in 2006. He lives in the same small town as me and our parents. It really hurt to hear mom ask if he even asked about her and I had to tell her no. She was 93. I never got paid for anything and didn't expect to. I just wanted to help her. It doesn't help to get angry about it! He has always been very unsociable and will never change so I told mom to just except it and love him for who he is...but it really bothered her. He came to the viewing but didn't even go to the funeral service. So..just be proud of who you are and for helping your mom.
All good advice. My brother took my parents life savings and when my mom became disabled he totally abandoned her. So the anger I have toward him is enormous. Who am I to judge? God will sort it out in the end but then again my brother doesn't believe in God so maybe that's why he has no guilt or shame for what he has nd has not done.
yes, Trevor -- INVARIABLY. Always falls to one child. I don't understand it, either. And Jeannegibbs, I once again agree with your suggestion about asking for specific help.
Wish it weren't true, Saundie -- I constantly struggle with my anger, too. I think this is the most common theme that emerges amongst caregivers.
My brother just takes money from Mom but only comes to see her in the summer and Christmas (when he gets more money again for him, his wife, and their two children). I need a break, would love to have them take her 1/2 the year or alternating months.
The analogy someone posted about the bitter pill mostly sums this issue up. No matter how much you rant about the others, how many evil nasty thoughts you have for them and how much you wish they would chip in to do something, anything, it does not affect them one iota, but it DOES affect you! I am guilty of these behaviors and though it is hard to do and it sometimes it flares up again, you do have to realize that this is destructive behavior for yourself. You can only change yourself, you cannot change others. Not everyone has the same makeup, so not everyone will do what you do under those same circumstances. Once you can understand that most likely they will never help AND find ways to wash these thoughts and anger away, never to be revisited, you can focus on what you CAN do, which is to care for your LOs AND yourself, and share in those memory making times that remain for you.
In the end, you have to sleep with yourself. If you feel you have done everything you can for those who need it, while still caring for yourself, enjoyed and cried with the person or people you care for and about, that is all you can do (and you will have those memories all to yourself!)
I also have two brothers. One is not local, but has come to help with what he can do during the week or so he could spare. The other is 10 years younger, and when pressed enough he might remember to join us (or even respond to a text.) Granted he was the one who got calls to bring her home from a doctor or fix something long before this dementia beast arrived, which is great. But now that she had to move to MC (not willingly and I let THEM have that pleasure - hoping that she would not blame me, but usually did), clearing out her stuff and cleaning up as well as coordinating the work that is needed (oh the clothes, shoes, purses and a lot of random stuff), it has not been easy to get him going. Eventually he does chip in some (better than some relatives of those who posted here!), but because he is working and the other is not local, all the OTHER (non-personal care) stuff falls in my lap. It does get overwhelming sometimes, but if I did not do it, it likely would not get done!
Funny, in thinking about this - there were many times that I coordinated gatherings for special occasions both in the past and present. I never really thought about it at the time, but same thing - they are there to share in the fun but who gets all the work!!
Anyway, saundie this is something that will take time and some understanding and effort on your part. You have to finally realize that you cannot do anything to change what they are doing or rather not doing AND know that you are not alone! You have to make effort to put the anger aside - sometimes when you feel that anger building, if you can find something else to do that might burn off some steam it might help, but if it is just physical activity, those anger thoughts will still be there, so you'll need to also find something to think about/occupy your thoughts that will drive those angry thoughts away. Sometimes cranking up some good old tunes (Queen's Greatest Hits is among my favorites) and singing along works wonders for me (you may have to do this in the car, so as to not disturb those you are caring for!) As several have noted, unfortunately those thoughts do nothing to the siblings (if wishes were horses...!) One time when I was *really* incensed at one brother I typed up all my thoughts and reasons why he made me angry and I had planned to email this to him, just to get it out of me. The primary thought was to get him to understand, but unfortunately for most of these siblings this is not going to make any difference. For a few, it might. For some it might work for a day or a week, but they will slide back into their own routine. They may not understand all that you do, but for the majority it won't phase them in the least! Writing and editing the email was the best part, as it kind of acts like a wick, drawing this poison out of you. Once I had it all written, I never did send it. It is STILL in my email draft folder! Perhaps you could write up something, or have a notebook to put those nasty thoughts into whenever the angry times start, just to have an "out" for these thoughts - they are destructive and can be cumulative as well.
Just remember - none of them is worth the energy you waste on that anger! Put it to better use taking care of the LOs and yourself, remembering that you will have all the good memories and they will have nothing!
Now, FIL is disabled with a Parkinson's diagnosis. 2 sons. My husband spent several months--When they thought FIL was going to die any day--staying with him 12 hours or more overnight, trying to calm him so MIL could get some sleep, changing and cleaning him, etc. Other son did the day shift.
Dad really needed more professional care than his family could provide, but he never wanted to go to a NH -- NO MATTER WHAT!!! Mom and Other son wanted to honor that.
My husband advocated for NH. He finally explained to his brother why he really didn't care as much about what Dad wanted. His brother evidently didn't realize things like: Dad went to every one of brother's basketball games, only one of my husband's. Dad bought Bros first car, none for my husband. This went on from their births even through different treatment towards the grandkids.
Brother claimed he never realized it, but Mom confirmed it was true.
Now FIL is in NH, getting fine care. Brother drives Mom to see him every day while we winter in FL. Mom could get public transportation or a ride with neighbors who have offered, but Bro is going the martyrdom route. Interestingly, although he is POA, I'm the one who sees that Medicaid was applied for, Elder Care attorney consulted, bills get paid, etc.
In reality, we all have different talents and abilities to offer. We can't expect others to do what we can and will do. And, we don't always know their situation and motives.
As a case in point, I had a former student (I teach college) who was helping care for her elderly aunt. That aunt was one of TWENTY siblings (yes, 20) - and none of them would lift a finger to assist her, even though they were capable of it. So, the niece was the only one helping.
Ever consider asking, point blank, to your siblings why they are refusing to help care for their own elderly parent? (Sometimes a little guilt trip works wonders.)
(1) Take care of yourself
(2) Get out anger in positive ways - that do not backfire on you. i.e., exercise, meditate, get the energy out in healthy ways. Overeating, drinking = numbing out and staying stuck in the anger will only hurt/affect you (and your mom).
(3) Learning how to effectively deal/heal yourself will serve you for the rest of your life.
(4) Consider NVC (non-violent communication) aka Compassionate Communication techniques. It is worth looking at this model of communications. Takes out the judgment and focuses on how to connect with an/other vs adding fuel to the already burning fire.
And, I know that 'life isn't fair' likely doesn't make you feel better.
If we want to find inner-and outer- peace of mind - and function in healthy ways, we need to deal with 'what is' and do what we can and let the rest go. Being in a state of anger will only hurt and deplete you/r energy. Gena
Some of the things we experienced: all siblings need to be part of the decision-making. When my mom lived with one sibling, it was tough to be called to task for not helping more when the majority of us felt mom’s condition required more time and skill than any of us could provide, but that one sibling did not want mom in a facility.
The other problem was my sibling never asked for help other than a weekend break every three weeks, which my family provided. As my sibling and her husband began to suffer from caregiver burn-out, we’d ask how we could help more (because we were accused of not providing the type of help needed or when it was needed). We were told “we shouldn’t have to be told!” It was hard for everyone, and relationships have been fractured. Mom now lives with me. I still feel mom belongs in a skilled nursing facility, but I promised my sibling I’d give this a try. I’ve asked for specific help from all siblings, and they’ve done what they can. This is tough. There are no easy answers because each family and situation is different, and finances play a huge role. Communication is key. Knowing your limits is also important. Best of luck to you. xoxo
all I can say is push it out of your mind and enjoy the time with the person you are taking care of. I too had a lot of anger for my four sisters who couldn't even bother to call either of my parents once their health started declining. they never chipped in at all thru out the years as my parents declined. the last three years were the hardest for me as I had to take care of both of the parents and my family with a husband who has prostate cancer and parkinsons disease. not one offer from any one of them to help. i was so mad i could of screamed but as time went by i realized that they were the losers not me. i got to spend the last three years of parents life enjoying them and becoming so much closer than we ever were. i moved in with them the last year since their health was declining fast. they both recently passed. dad first and mom three weeks later both in my arms knowing how much i loved them. when i go to sleep at night i dont think of the three strangers who once i called my sisters i go to bed thanking god i got to spend the last days of their lives with laughter, love and wonderful knowledge they shared with me. i would do it all over again for them....
Wish it weren't true, Saundie -- I constantly struggle with my anger, too. I think this is the most common theme that emerges amongst caregivers.
In the end, you have to sleep with yourself. If you feel you have done everything you can for those who need it, while still caring for yourself, enjoyed and cried with the person or people you care for and about, that is all you can do (and you will have those memories all to yourself!)
I also have two brothers. One is not local, but has come to help with what he can do during the week or so he could spare. The other is 10 years younger, and when pressed enough he might remember to join us (or even respond to a text.) Granted he was the one who got calls to bring her home from a doctor or fix something long before this dementia beast arrived, which is great. But now that she had to move to MC (not willingly and I let THEM have that pleasure - hoping that she would not blame me, but usually did), clearing out her stuff and cleaning up as well as coordinating the work that is needed (oh the clothes, shoes, purses and a lot of random stuff), it has not been easy to get him going. Eventually he does chip in some (better than some relatives of those who posted here!), but because he is working and the other is not local, all the OTHER (non-personal care) stuff falls in my lap. It does get overwhelming sometimes, but if I did not do it, it likely would not get done!
Funny, in thinking about this - there were many times that I coordinated gatherings for special occasions both in the past and present. I never really thought about it at the time, but same thing - they are there to share in the fun but who gets all the work!!
Anyway, saundie this is something that will take time and some understanding and effort on your part. You have to finally realize that you cannot do anything to change what they are doing or rather not doing AND know that you are not alone! You have to make effort to put the anger aside - sometimes when you feel that anger building, if you can find something else to do that might burn off some steam it might help, but if it is just physical activity, those anger thoughts will still be there, so you'll need to also find something to think about/occupy your thoughts that will drive those angry thoughts away. Sometimes cranking up some good old tunes (Queen's Greatest Hits is among my favorites) and singing along works wonders for me (you may have to do this in the car, so as to not disturb those you are caring for!) As several have noted, unfortunately those thoughts do nothing to the siblings (if wishes were horses...!) One time when I was *really* incensed at one brother I typed up all my thoughts and reasons why he made me angry and I had planned to email this to him, just to get it out of me. The primary thought was to get him to understand, but unfortunately for most of these siblings this is not going to make any difference. For a few, it might. For some it might work for a day or a week, but they will slide back into their own routine. They may not understand all that you do, but for the majority it won't phase them in the least! Writing and editing the email was the best part, as it kind of acts like a wick, drawing this poison out of you. Once I had it all written, I never did send it. It is STILL in my email draft folder! Perhaps you could write up something, or have a notebook to put those nasty thoughts into whenever the angry times start, just to have an "out" for these thoughts - they are destructive and can be cumulative as well.
Just remember - none of them is worth the energy you waste on that anger! Put it to better use taking care of the LOs and yourself, remembering that you will have all the good memories and they will have nothing!