Good morning, I am a little late to the conversation but I understand what you are saying as the same thing happened to me. I am the only girl with 3 brothers. My mother and I did everything together and I loved that!!! However, I also was the one she wanted/needed for everything. Part of it was that she wanted me to do it and part of it was she knew I would do it. My oldest brother lived in the lower level of her townhome but was very sick and eventually passed away so he was too sick to help. The other two were "busy" with their own lives so refused my requests to help. At the time I was working 3 jobs to try to support my family and my disabled son's family so I had very little time. I told my own children and grandchildren that I would be needed for Mom as she was old now and needed help but I think it was hard for them to understand. I also had anger towards my brothers for refusing to ever help. Every family gathering, I drove her both ways- never any help with that either. So, I understand the anger - I got that way too. The answer for what to do I am not sure. Like I said, I brought part of it on myself as I never ever said no, Mom would call me over and over if I was at work until I had a break and could call her back. My sister in law always told me "I just don't answer her calls when I don't want to" but I was never able nor did I want to do that. She passed away a couple of weeks ago after a fall :-(. Now, I wish I had the calls but I totally understand as I was exhausted and frustrated that I never got any help. I know my husband was bothered about it also. I wish you the best. I guess I was responding to let you know I understand as I have been there. God bless you and your family.
Be glad your siblings don't do what mine did. My Dad age 92 went to the hospital with minor chest pains that went away as soon as he got there. The tests were all negative, he was fine. My 3 siblings showed up at the hospital with the living will and told the hospital he had a DNR, and the hospital gave him sedatives until he passed out, morphine when he was not in pain, and they took the sugar out of his IV. Long story short, they didn't want to have to take care of him so they had him euthanized like a dog. He wasn't even sick.
This is sadly an old story. I've read it here many times and experienced it myself. The burden of care invariably falls to one child. Some people are just plain indifferent. That's the way they are. They'd have to have a change of heart or some kind of spiritual awakening to start acting differently. Don't hold your breath.
I hear you, my friend. I too had a lot of anger with my siblings for failing to help my parents too. I wished I found this website sooner because I truly needed another perspective. I was in a vicious circle of anger and resentment and frustration and yet still trying to do my duty. I didn't know how to ask for help or even where to get it.
If you can, maybe try talking to a family therapist, counsellor or joining a support group. I have been a controller my whole life and the first answer holds so much truth for me. We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves and that is hard enough.
I find writing out my feelings has helped a lot. I try to read and read and hopefully gain more insight into myself and how to better handle situations. My siblings and I are all middle aged and we still have our fights. It is an ongoing thing, I hope we still aren't fighting into our 80s but I have my doubts.
saundie, in some cases a sibling(s) will either stop helping or not help at all.... usually the reason is that they feel that the parent needs a higher skilled care then what can be given at home. They do not want to enable the parent to remain with the sibling home when they know the care would eventually be too overwhelming.
There is usually a stand-off, the sibling who is the caregiver wants to keep the parent at home, no matter what.... or the parent refuses to leave the house.
Even if a grown child had promised a parent they could remain at home, we still need to do what is in the best interest of the parent. I was a senior myself with my own age decline issues, thus I never was hands-on, just couldn't do it. Hiring cargivers helped, and later down the road Assisted Living.
Ask yourself what is gained by continuing to be angry. And ask yourself how it's affecting you, how it's affecting your health.
Unfortunately, nonparticipation seems to be fairly common when it comes to caregiving. Also, unwanted "advice" seems to often accompany the refusal to help with care.
I won't deny that it's irksome, irritating, and unfair. But it also can affect my own health, and that's something I can't jeopardize, now, or in the future. So after the caregiving and trust distribution is over, I just won't continue any kind of relationship with the nonparticipant.
I'm one of 6 kids in my family. Oldest brother is now deceased, leaving 5 of us to care for mother. She lives with a younger brother's family in her own apartment. At the point now where she needs a LOT of help. Refuses outside help...
Of the 5 of us, only the brother with whom she lives and I take care of her. And recently my brother told me to "get lost" and leave him to care for mother alone. Weird, but OK.
The 3 MIA sibs simply do not have mother on their radar. It's that simple and also that complicated. They aren't bad people, they just don't DO caregiving, it never occurs to them. They'd throw any amount of money at the "problem" but they do not wash, clean, visit or help unless called and begged. That will result in one visit or one phone call.
None of us is close to mother. She was checked out as a mother and rarely functioning--we joke we raised each other--she simply should never have had kids, but had 6. Now nobody really thinks about her. It is very sad, but it is what it is.
I used to be really angry when I was allowed to help mother, that I'd go to her place and she'd ask me the entire time about what my sibs were up to. I just tell her to call them, and she doesn't.
You CANNOT make your siblings care, show up, do anything. Quit trying. I tried for 10 years and about went nuts. We recently had an all hands mtg to discuss her care, going fwd. All 3 MIA sibs PROMISED they'd make contact of some kind with her every week. It worked for one week.
I am the only one affected by the anger--and now I have been "fired" from doing anything for mother (brother is being kind of a jerk) I am dealing with anger about that now.
My sibs all go along merrily in their lives and never even think about Mother. I feel the responsibility, they don't. I have no idea why.
There is something very unfair here, and it is natural to feel anger. It is not fair that your dear mother has this illness/disability/condition that requires her to have a caregiver! Dang! And you are powerless to change that. More anger and frustration. (Your mom probably feels this anger, too, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is sometimes directed at you. Grrr ... another thing to be angry about.)
I'd caution you against dumping all this understandable anger on your sibs. They did not cause your mother's condition. They are as powerless as you are to change it. You made a choice about how to deal with Mom's condition, and so did they. There is no particular reason you would all make the same choice.
Have you asked for particular, limited help? "Could you have breakfast with Mom the first Saturday of each month, so I could attend my bookclub?" "Would you shop online or in stores and see if you can find some shirts Mom could easily put on herself? No small buttons, no tight necklines like turtlenecks. I'll pay for them out of Mom's account. Peach is her favorite color and she likes floral prints." Ask for specific help before you write your sibs off completely.
Being angry with sibs does not punish them, and it certainly doesn't solve your need for help. It eats away at your peace of mind, though. so you are probably the only one effected by the anger.
Saundie, what may seem like a "no brainer" and no big deal to you maybe not be possible for your sibling.
Did mom's need for care start suddenly? Was there a discussion of her day to day needs and how they were going to be addressed? Did you and your sibling have an agreement that each of you would do certain tasks?
If there was an agreement, and your sibling isn't keeping her/his end of the bargain, it's time to have a new discussion.
As above , you can only control your own actions. You can't compel your sibling to caregiver mom. Also please note that there is no legal imperative that children care for their parents. It's great when adult kids step up and help their parents with care arrangements, but it's the parents' responsibility to have provided for their old age.
Have you asked your sibling why he or she isn't helping more? When my husband explained to his brother why he didn't feel compelled to physically care for their dad, they were able to work together to find the best care solutions possible with the resources available. As 97yroldmom says, you can't control others. To ease your anger, try to see the situation from your sibling's point of view rather than expecting him to have the same feelings as you.
You have to give up trying to control others. You can only control yourself and that’s pretty darn hard to do. You chose to care for your mom...right? You had your reasons. You can choose again. If mom doesn’t have the resources to pay for her care, look into Medicaid. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. Maybe you aren’t either. There are many posts on this website where siblings are upset with one another over how one doesn’t think the other is stepping up. So you are not alone in your feelings that others should help. Remember to take care of yourself, your minor children and your spouse. Remember that you need income now and for when mom is gone. It’s a good thing to care for your parent but it’s a choice. Hugs for you and mom.
I hear you, my friend. I too had a lot of anger with my siblings for failing to help my parents too. I wished I found this website sooner because I truly needed another perspective. I was in a vicious circle of anger and resentment and frustration and yet still trying to do my duty. I didn't know how to ask for help or even where to get it.
If you can, maybe try talking to a family therapist, counsellor or joining a support group. I have been a controller my whole life and the first answer holds so much truth for me. We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves and that is hard enough.
I find writing out my feelings has helped a lot. I try to read and read and hopefully gain more insight into myself and how to better handle situations. My siblings and I are all middle aged and we still have our fights. It is an ongoing thing, I hope we still aren't fighting into our 80s but I have my doubts.
Sending you love and hugs.
There is usually a stand-off, the sibling who is the caregiver wants to keep the parent at home, no matter what.... or the parent refuses to leave the house.
Even if a grown child had promised a parent they could remain at home, we still need to do what is in the best interest of the parent. I was a senior myself with my own age decline issues, thus I never was hands-on, just couldn't do it. Hiring cargivers helped, and later down the road Assisted Living.
Unfortunately, nonparticipation seems to be fairly common when it comes to caregiving. Also, unwanted "advice" seems to often accompany the refusal to help with care.
I won't deny that it's irksome, irritating, and unfair. But it also can affect my own health, and that's something I can't jeopardize, now, or in the future. So after the caregiving and trust distribution is over, I just won't continue any kind of relationship with the nonparticipant.
Of the 5 of us, only the brother with whom she lives and I take care of her. And recently my brother told me to "get lost" and leave him to care for mother alone. Weird, but OK.
The 3 MIA sibs simply do not have mother on their radar. It's that simple and also that complicated. They aren't bad people, they just don't DO caregiving, it never occurs to them. They'd throw any amount of money at the "problem" but they do not wash, clean, visit or help unless called and begged. That will result in one visit or one phone call.
None of us is close to mother. She was checked out as a mother and rarely functioning--we joke we raised each other--she simply should never have had kids, but had 6. Now nobody really thinks about her. It is very sad, but it is what it is.
I used to be really angry when I was allowed to help mother, that I'd go to her place and she'd ask me the entire time about what my sibs were up to. I just tell her to call them, and she doesn't.
You CANNOT make your siblings care, show up, do anything. Quit trying. I tried for 10 years and about went nuts. We recently had an all hands mtg to discuss her care, going fwd. All 3 MIA sibs PROMISED they'd make contact of some kind with her every week. It worked for one week.
I am the only one affected by the anger--and now I have been "fired" from doing anything for mother (brother is being kind of a jerk) I am dealing with anger about that now.
My sibs all go along merrily in their lives and never even think about Mother. I feel the responsibility, they don't. I have no idea why.
I'd caution you against dumping all this understandable anger on your sibs. They did not cause your mother's condition. They are as powerless as you are to change it. You made a choice about how to deal with Mom's condition, and so did they. There is no particular reason you would all make the same choice.
Have you asked for particular, limited help? "Could you have breakfast with Mom the first Saturday of each month, so I could attend my bookclub?" "Would you shop online or in stores and see if you can find some shirts Mom could easily put on herself? No small buttons, no tight necklines like turtlenecks. I'll pay for them out of Mom's account. Peach is her favorite color and she likes floral prints." Ask for specific help before you write your sibs off completely.
Being angry with sibs does not punish them, and it certainly doesn't solve your need for help. It eats away at your peace of mind, though. so you are probably the only one effected by the anger.
Did mom's need for care start suddenly? Was there a discussion of her day to day needs and how they were going to be addressed? Did you and your sibling have an agreement that each of you would do certain tasks?
If there was an agreement, and your sibling isn't keeping her/his end of the bargain, it's time to have a new discussion.
As above , you can only control your own actions. You can't compel your sibling to caregiver mom. Also please note that there is no legal imperative that children care for their parents. It's great when adult kids step up and help their parents with care arrangements, but it's the parents' responsibility to have provided for their old age.
As 97yroldmom says, you can't control others. To ease your anger, try to see the situation from your sibling's point of view rather than expecting him to have the same feelings as you.
You chose to care for your mom...right? You had your reasons. You can choose again.
If mom doesn’t have the resources to pay for her care, look into Medicaid.
Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. Maybe you aren’t either.
There are many posts on this website where siblings are upset with one another over how one doesn’t think the other is stepping up. So you are not alone in your feelings that others should help.
Remember to take care of yourself, your minor children and your spouse. Remember that you need income now and for when mom is gone. It’s a good thing to care for your parent but it’s a choice. Hugs for you and mom.