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How can I get rid of my anger at my sibling for not helping with my mom?

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If it was me and my sisters walked away from their mother and father, I would simply tell them that you have it all under control and they need not worry. they choose to step aside from the issue and now its in your ballpark and you will handle it all. my situation was some what the same. my sisters four of them choice to walk out of the parents lives since they were to busy with their own families. so i took on the
task and i am very happy that i did it alone without them. i did what i felt was in the best interest of them and had to answer to no one as parents were really declining fast. i moved in with them and loved them to the very end AND i do not regret one minute of it. they passed away a few months ago. dad first and mom three weeks later. i miss them so much.
my sisters have not called once and they were not informed of my parents deaths.
if they cared they would of been their for them.....
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Luke 3:16

"John answered them all, saying, “I baptize you with water, but he who is mightier than I is coming, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire."
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I had the care of my Mom tossed into my lap 2 weeks ago after over 2 yrs of being kept out of the circle of trust.
My sister who was "taking care" of Mom moved out 2 weeks prior, but she didn't tell anyone...I think it was due to her knowing Adult Protective Services was and is looking for her.

Now, after accusations of my wanting to place Mom in a home and taking everything she has; my siblings have washed their hands of it.

My step-siblings and me are doing everything we can to help my Mom and step-father.

I went home to AZ, took Mom to the doctor and Mom has Alzheimer's 3 which is caused by her diabetes attacking her brain.

Spoke with several agencies who deal with Medicare and Medicaid. That is basically a reverse mortgage scam.

Mom needs 24/7 care or doctor will place in a assisted living facility. Medicare/Medicaid will only cover 1 month. To qualify for long term assistance, all the assets your parents will have to be "paid down" until they only receive $6000 a month.

THEN after the parent dies, the State will place a lien on the home and any other assets. The State provides but in the end it all has to be repaid.

Shocker, doesn't matter that all of the years Mom paid into much less all of us, have to pay back what is provided by the State.

I'd rather keep my Mom at home and use the assets that would have to be paid down on my own for Mom.

For me, it has become a suck it up buttercup yet my siblings want to know everything that is going on with Mom.
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What lesson can be learned here is WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS. For example, as our mother lay on her death bed in Massachusetts and both I and my brother were there at time she suffered the ischemic stroke, he chose to go all the way across country to his home in California. Did that make sense? No, but I wasn't him. Period.
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Sergeant 201, thank you for sharing this story. It is inspiring for those of us going through difficult times. I pray that the Lord gives you strength.
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Thank God for this site that we can all go to and get advise, give advise or just let others know they are not alone. 5 years ago I took two months off work to travel to another part of the state to help my mom take care of my stepdad who was in the home and dying of lung cancer. Siblings couldn't be bothered to come and help out even though they do not work or have children to care for. Stepfather died and they were right there with their hands out. Stepdad did not leave anything to Mom (not even the house, after 42 years of marriage he left it all to his one son). Not having anywhere to go or the financial means to support herself I gladly brought her home to live with me. very sad and angry woman. Things were rough for both of us. I lived by myself and I work 12 hr. shifts, (3rd shift 6p-6A) and sleep during the day. So it was an adjustment for both of us. An older brother living 4 hrs. away hasn't came to see her of ask us if we need help of any sorts, an older sister living across the county calls but is basically not in the position to help in any way. This has been going on for the past 4 1/2 years. Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I noticed Mom was unusually quiet, fatigued, and complaining of not having any strength and hard to breathe. Wouldn't go to the Dr. just stay in bed up to 12 hrs a night, sit in chair all day and not make an effort to do something to help herself. Yes, I got totally flustertated by all this, was at my wits end and got upset with her. Ashamed at myself, the next day I went for a long walk on the beach, took a lot of deep breaths and said to myself, 'She didn't ask for any of this to happen to her, she misses her husband (even though he totally screwed her over), she misses her little dog and her home and past life" I'm the only thing she really has left. So that same day I left the beach because something was telling me to get home. When I got home she was sitting in her chair, out of breath and in pain. I took her to the Hospital thinking she was having a diviticulitis (spd?) attack. Like a punch to the stomach the Doctor gently told us, (Mom and I ) that her recent health problems were being caused by Lung Cancer. They found it on the CT Scan. We will not know anything more until later this week. My heart is breaking for I know how this will end, I seen it with my Stepfather. But even after being told of her condition and knowing what the future is bringing, my Dear Mother was more concerned about the strain and worry that it will would put on me. She finally acknowledged that my brother and sister were not of any help. I told Mom that they do love her but God chose me to take care of her and that is exactly what I will do til the end. So take those deep breaths everyone and hold on while you can. It can all change in an instant and in the end you can stand proud knowing you did all you could for someone who really needed you.
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I have (had) 5 siblings.. None but me and my hubby helped my mom.. We sold our home, moved in with mom who had dementia and was bedridden. I also quit my job.. I took care of mom 24/7 til she passed Oct 2016.. I only talk to one sibling now. She would fly in from back east every year on her vacation to be with mom and help.. The others live here but couldn't be bothered. Here was a mother who loved us and did everything for us and this is how they repaid her.. They suck and I'm glad they are out of my life forever.. I don't need their drama..
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Anger is exhausting and it usually doesn't accomplish much in family dynamics. Everyone will see you as controlling if you try to get them to pitch in according to your agenda and they will retreat. If you have a good relationship with other family members, tell them frankly you are exhausted and ask them to help you create a plan for your parent. If they can't help, perhaps they can make a financial contribution so you (or they) can hire some additional help. You need to be able to discuss calmly together where your mother needs help to ensure her safety, comfort, and hygiene. This may be more than one discussion. If you can't get them to participate, then you have to make some decisions for her on your own. If you get criticism, invite them to participate. They will probably run the other way. Most important to protect your own health and assets, so if you are doing all the work, set up a contract early on to pay you for your services (at family expense) and set some boundaries to give yourself some regular time off. Then take it day by day.
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I feel you. I went through the same thing when my mom was battling for her life. My 3 brothers rarely came around and left the care to my sister and I and my husband was the biggest help taking my mom to her appts. When she passed my brothers felt bad and thanked my husband for caring for my mom. Now that my dad’s health is declining my brothers have stepped up when they can, but it still makes me mad when they can go about there lives, going on vacations while I feel stuck caring for my dad as we live together. I need to get out of my head and just be thankful for the time he has left. Don’t let the stress get to you, it will make you sick. God bless you.
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Sunrise

I am so sorry to read about your situation, but I'd like to welcome you to my club.

A week ago this past Monday (my siblings cut me out of the circle of trust because my older sister had been lying to them as well as my step-siblings) my siblings dumped EVERYTHING in my lap to handle!!

My step-sister called to inform me that my older sister had moved out of Mom's home 2 weeks prior (both parents have dementia, Mom's is worse); she and my brother decided that they no longer wanted the responsibility.

I too had posted a question very similar to yours and although very nice postings, it still hurts and my anger has increased.

I have been researching, talking with attorneys about what they were doing and now what they did.

1. My sister can be arrested for abandonment of elderly persons
2. She had not taken them to their doctor since November
3. Mom is incontinent and she was not making Mom bath or change her undies or clothes.
3. She attacked my step-father and claims he was the attacker. He has told Mom's 2 brother, my daughter, me and 2 social workers the exact same story never waivering wird by word of what happened.
4. I am here in my home State trying to get my copy (unsigned) of my Durable POA to take over the job; my POA gives me more responsibilities than they had.
5. 1 of the attorneys I spoke with suggested i ask my siblings to provide me with notarized statements that they would not contest my decisions regarding Mom. I legally do not have to tell them anything, but I thought this would be a good thing as well as letting them know they can ask me anything about what is happening.
Older sister, although she hasn't done it yet, agreed. Brother finally agreed, his is on the way, BUT younger sister (a felon) demanded
A) it must be stated that Mom's Estate be divided equally
B) that I provide her a copy of the DPOA before she signs any thing, although she made sure to tell me that DPOA stops upon death
I told her that I can't do A. Should I even stick my hand in that cookie jar
* ONLY MOM CAN DO THAT AND THE DPOA HAS NOTHING TO WITH THAT
* If I did anything like that, I would be arrested, charged with a FELONY, GO TO PRISON
* I have to answer to a Judge with every single penny spent and show with receipts etc to account for what I have claimed I have done with Mom's money
* she could go online to read what a DPOA can/can't do
*haven't heard from her since

I have been researching EVERYTHING according to State Law; so far I am within my rights to take care of Mom WITHOUT their permission

I'm here with my step-siblings who are working together to do the same for their dad and helping me.

My Uncle, Mom's youngest brother, is doing everything he can to help me.

My older sister can also be charged with unhealthy conditions of the house.....they have had bed bugs which have become so bad, they are coming out during the day.
God bless my 1 step-siblings who has the means, is having the house serviced (today is the 2nd treatment because not all of the bugs were killed. I had to provide Orkin permission to drill holes in the walls for a special treatment to get the ones that are living behind paneling and in the dry wall.

We talked with a social worker and in-home care person who basically told us that if the State helps with in-home care, the State has the right to charge the Estate, place a lien on Mom's house for reimbursement!

No!! I am not going to give the State anything of what my Mother/step-father worked all their lives for to care for themselves in the very late lives.

I will be placed as a signer on their bank accounts so as to make sure their Bill's are paid as well as being able to do investigations as where their money has gone in the last few years.
They have bills that have not been paid and taxes for 2017 have not been paid and I don't know about past years.

My daughter, an RN, is helping me with information about garments that are healthier for Mom and in-home caregivers that are better than the ones I talked with 2 years ago.

GOD BLESS MY STEP-SIBLINGS. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT THEM.
They are taking care of the house issue etc and I will be taking care of the finances

GREAT NEWS, I JUST RECEIVED A TEXT FROM YOUNGER SISTER WHO HAS AGREED TO PROVIDE ME WITH THE NO CONTEST STATEMENT!!!

Right now, I'm working to get the things done that should have been at the very least 2.5 years ago.

Deep breaths, try to legally remove them from the situation, CRY, find someone to just express you emotions and be there for you.

Everyday is going to bring something new..trust me, Mom has told me she hates me, get back on the bus and leave, they don't need help, aggressive verbally with both me and Belinda.

IT IS HARD, SO HARD AND HARDER COMING INTO THE TIME THAT THE VERY MAJOR DECISIONS HAVE TO BE MADE ON MY OWN SINCE THEY NO LONGER WANT TO BE INVOLVED AND WAUTING TO SEE WHAT THEY GET WHEN MOM DIES.

PRAY if you believe in a higher authority. It is tough and will become harder.

Stay strong and you will be blessed.
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I am constantly trying to work on my anger and resentment at my siblings and other relatives for turning their backs on me and my parents when we need love/support/understanding/help the most. I have been doing this for over 6 years and have come to the conclusion that things ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!

I am at peace with this but occasionally I will start wishing things were different... I so need someone to appreciate all I have given up to care for them, all the stress I am under, the grief at slowly losing my parents. I am always disappointed when I raise my expectations of them.

You can only adjust your expectations, refocus your thoughts. Anger and resentment could only hurt you and not them.. they are going about their carefree lives and probably not even with a thought of your anger.

Disgusted.. I also wrote a letter just like you did.. but did not send it and i do have a copy of it. I think you are right that you can try to explain till you are blue in the face and they will not get it... they don't want to get it.

Periodically I feel as if I have everything under control then something will happen to pull the rug out from under me and I can feel the anger rising up in me.. well... at least I am aware of it and can try to refocus..it sure isn't easy.

Hugs to all who are working on controlling your anger and resentment. These feelings take a lot of energy and attention which could be focused on something more positive.
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Saundie, I’ll share my experience and end result... I was frustrated and beyond angry at my sibs for not stepping up and they were at me for “enabling” our folks. The sibs pointed out it was my choice to be involved and their choice to not be. I attended support groups and begged for specific help from family members. Everyone had good intentions but not much happened. Eventually when dementia caused violent behavior from one parent towards me, I called police. When police did nothing, I left my parents and realized I was all alone in this. I called my brother and got an answering machine. I left a message how much I hate that nobody cares and how I hate him and the police and myself and how sad it was that our family must really hate each other. ( I do NOT recommend this approach) Anyway, ( to his credit) after several days, my brother called me very calm and stayed how sorry he was I felt this way. I apologized for my immature rant and told him I was frustrated and I did hate him and everything about this situation and disease AT THE Moment I left that message. Thankfully, he forgave me and we had a long and much needed talk about things. We validated each other’s ways of handling this disease. We both accepted it was our own choices to either be involved or not and neither could demand or expect the other to react the same way. We came up with a game plan to implement over a set time that would give me some respite and him some impetus to make changes to parent’s living arrangements ( he is designated POA). Although it was still difficult and still emotionally exhausting, the blow up brought us closer together and the anger turned to acceptance of we agreeing to disagree about the degree to which each of us was going to be involved in our parent’s care. Moral of my sharing is that my anger was only adding to the problem. As others have pointed out, not everyone is able to care hands on for a dying person. Once I realized that, I let go of my anger and accepted that people deal with horrible things very differently. I read the Serenity Prayer and I decided that I would change my mind set to being thankful that I get to be involved in my folks last months and possibly years of life instead of resenting my sibs for not being involved. It’s helped a lot in many ways. Best to you as you work through this part of the “journey”.
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The analogy someone posted about the bitter pill mostly sums this issue up. No matter how much you rant about the others, how many evil nasty thoughts you have for them and how much you wish they would chip in to do something, anything, it does not affect them one iota, but it DOES affect you! I am guilty of these behaviors and though it is hard to do and it sometimes it flares up again, you do have to realize that this is destructive behavior for yourself. You can only change yourself, you cannot change others. Not everyone has the same makeup, so not everyone will do what you do under those same circumstances. Once you can understand that most likely they will never help AND find ways to wash these thoughts and anger away, never to be revisited, you can focus on what you CAN do, which is to care for your LOs AND yourself, and share in those memory making times that remain for you.

In the end, you have to sleep with yourself. If you feel you have done everything you can for those who need it, while still caring for yourself, enjoyed and cried with the person or people you care for and about, that is all you can do (and you will have those memories all to yourself!)

I also have two brothers. One is not local, but has come to help with what he can do during the week or so he could spare. The other is 10 years younger, and when pressed enough he might remember to join us (or even respond to a text.) Granted he was the one who got calls to bring her home from a doctor or fix something long before this dementia beast arrived, which is great. But now that she had to move to MC (not willingly and I let THEM have that pleasure - hoping that she would not blame me, but usually did), clearing out her stuff and cleaning up as well as coordinating the work that is needed (oh the clothes, shoes, purses and a lot of random stuff), it has not been easy to get him going. Eventually he does chip in some (better than some relatives of those who posted here!), but because he is working and the other is not local, all the OTHER (non-personal care) stuff falls in my lap. It does get overwhelming sometimes, but if I did not do it, it likely would not get done!

Funny, in thinking about this - there were many times that I coordinated gatherings for special occasions both in the past and present. I never really thought about it at the time, but same thing - they are there to share in the fun but who gets all the work!!

Anyway, saundie this is something that will take time and some understanding and effort on your part. You have to finally realize that you cannot do anything to change what they are doing or rather not doing AND know that you are not alone! You have to make effort to put the anger aside - sometimes when you feel that anger building, if you can find something else to do that might burn off some steam it might help, but if it is just physical activity, those anger thoughts will still be there, so you'll need to also find something to think about/occupy your thoughts that will drive those angry thoughts away. Sometimes cranking up some good old tunes (Queen's Greatest Hits is among my favorites) and singing along works wonders for me (you may have to do this in the car, so as to not disturb those you are caring for!) As several have noted, unfortunately those thoughts do nothing to the siblings (if wishes were horses...!) One time when I was *really* incensed at one brother I typed up all my thoughts and reasons why he made me angry and I had planned to email this to him, just to get it out of me. The primary thought was to get him to understand, but unfortunately for most of these siblings this is not going to make any difference. For a few, it might. For some it might work for a day or a week, but they will slide back into their own routine. They may not understand all that you do, but for the majority it won't phase them in the least! Writing and editing the email was the best part, as it kind of acts like a wick, drawing this poison out of you. Once I had it all written, I never did send it. It is STILL in my email draft folder! Perhaps you could write up something, or have a notebook to put those nasty thoughts into whenever the angry times start, just to have an "out" for these thoughts - they are destructive and can be cumulative as well.

Just remember - none of them is worth the energy you waste on that anger! Put it to better use taking care of the LOs and yourself, remembering that you will have all the good memories and they will have nothing!
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My brother just takes money from Mom but only comes to see her in the summer and Christmas (when he gets more money again for him, his wife, and their two children). I need a break, would love to have them take her 1/2 the year or alternating months.
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yes, Trevor -- INVARIABLY. Always falls to one child. I don't understand it, either. And Jeannegibbs, I once again agree with your suggestion about asking for specific help.

Wish it weren't true, Saundie -- I constantly struggle with my anger, too. I think this is the most common theme that emerges amongst caregivers.
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All good advice. My brother took my parents life savings and when my mom became disabled he totally abandoned her. So the anger I have toward him is enormous. Who am I to judge? God will sort it out in the end but then again my brother doesn't believe in God so maybe that's why he has no guilt or shame for what he has nd has not done.
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I feel your pain! I only have one brother..no sisters..just me and him. He has always been the type of person who keeps to himself and never helped our dad or our mother ever with anything. My dad passed away in 2006. I was there to take him to all of his appointments and there for my mother who just passed away 03/06/2018. I was the one who helped mom with everything. Brother never offered and he only visited mom once since dad passed away in 2006. He lives in the same small town as me and our parents. It really hurt to hear mom ask if he even asked about her and I had to tell her no. She was 93. I never got paid for anything and didn't expect to. I just wanted to help her. It doesn't help to get angry about it! He has always been very unsociable and will never change so I told mom to just except it and love him for who he is...but it really bothered her. He came to the viewing but didn't even go to the funeral service. So..just be proud of who you are and for helping your mom.
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TNTechie, great answer. Thank you
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The thing is when the others siblings tells everybody how much they love their mom. I think is a rare way to love when I need you the most and you are not there. Is very simple for others but when the entire responsibility is on you, believe it is hard regardless if you chosen to do it.
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I too was upset with my siblings for not caring for my mother in some way. For more than 20 years I cared for my mom and the only thing I got from them was a visit now and then. It does make it extremely hard to do it by yourself especially if its long-term. The only thing I could find that help was to give the entire situation to God and ask him for his help his strength and energy and his guidance and wisdom. It did help me to accept and continue to move forward in the help that she needed and that only I was able to give. Good luck and God bless you
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Who stepped up to the caregiving role first? Was there ever a discussion as to who would love to do the duty? Probably not. It usually boils down to who is available. At least that's the way it happened with my late mother.
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THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR WISDOM AND KINDNESS. MEANS THE WORLD TO ME! XXXOOO
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Until recently, after sharing my woes with my sister who lives nearby, I finally started asking my sister for more help like taking Dad to breakfast or dinner and recently to an early morning doctor's appointment when I had a conflict. She came through. She still doesn't help as much as she should or could but she sure still expect her share of any inheritance no matter how tiny and no matter how much money she has versus my lack, as I contribute nearly all I get in SS towards are household expenses. When she had the nerve to say this was as much her home as it is mine, I finally found the gumption to speak out and say oh no it's not and to tell her that as long as dad's alive it's his house and my home since I'm paying a good portion of all bills, including many she refused to pay when she lived here, tending dad's growing needs, being his full-time it manager and librarian and his endless to-do list for me. Her way of getting back at me is to show up whenever she wants and especially when dad's napping and she knows that's my only quiet alone time. I let it go but I'm feeling so much better these days, since I accepted the situation and dad now realizes how much more I do and how much nicer is home and yard are. That's priceless.
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LET IT JUST GO........
all I can say is push it out of your mind and enjoy the time with the person you are taking care of. I too had a lot of anger for my four sisters who couldn't even bother to call either of my parents once their health started declining. they never chipped in at all thru out the years as my parents declined. the last three years were the hardest for me as I had to take care of both of the parents and my family with a husband who has prostate cancer and parkinsons disease. not one offer from any one of them to help. i was so mad i could of screamed but as time went by i realized that they were the losers not me. i got to spend the last three years of parents life enjoying them and becoming so much closer than we ever were. i moved in with them the last year since their health was declining fast. they both recently passed. dad first and mom three weeks later both in my arms knowing how much i loved them. when i go to sleep at night i dont think of the three strangers who once i called my sisters i go to bed thanking god i got to spend the last days of their lives with laughter, love and wonderful knowledge they shared with me. i would do it all over again for them....
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I was in the same boat all had excuses, out of 9 kids none could help, (I was the son in law ) my wife run the business because she wasn't strong enough to do the lifting to get them in bed. Three used the excuse that they had grandchildren that they had to go watch play after school and weekend games . some That they couldn't take careing because they couldn't stand there antics, some said they worked long weeks 40 hours ( I worked 108 hours caregiveing for two )The rest of the kids just never come around even though they lived less than 1/2 mile,( I lived 6 miles) in the end I was getting more angry and short fused thow I managed to hold it in. Found out whin I finally managed to get to make a doctors appointment that the stress had caused my blood suger to raise to dangerous levels from the adrenaline constantly pumping in my system wich caused a overload of hormones when the glucose could not be used , The fight or flight use of the glucose could not be utilized so build up. causing the build up of anger that I was constantly and luckily keeping under control. I had no idea that stress could cause this. I recommend every caregiver not put off self care , and test suger level . I dropped 40 pounds during my caregiveing and i was at the proper weight when i started.
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This is a very common issue. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and you would think that everyone would do right by the woman who loved, cared and did everything she could to make sure that her children had whatever they needed when it was needed. But it was no so. I had 1 brother that lived thousands of miles away and not able to help like he would have liked. I had 2 brothers that lived right here in the same town that we lived in but because of their issues real or imagined with me or our dad they did not help and if they visited it was in very rare occasions. I had one brother that we could truly depend on and I thanked God and the angels for him and his help. When Mom passed away on 2/2/2018 you can guess who cried the loudest? Yep those that didn't have have time for Mom. I can work myself to get angry and it wouldn't take much. But you know, it's a lot of work to whip myself up into a frenzy and feed the anger. I have the memories of Mom at her best and when she was sick. I have the conversations with her that no one else did. THEY have to live with their actions or inactions, as the case may be. I also see this as a way of releasing people who are not good for me or need to be in my life. With my Mom gone, I have even less reasons or excuses to see them. Family is not always who you are related to, but the people who care about you and are with you in good times and bad. Find those people, and make time for you. It's important.
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You can’t get rid of that sort of anger. None of the ‘look at the other point of view’ advice really works. All you can do is let it take up less room in your life.
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For the past 14 years I have dealt with a sibling who thinks that my parent's problems are mine because I live closer. I've had to deal exclusively with my father's dementia and other medical problems until he died and am now doing the same for my mother (minus dementia). He only lives about 250 miles away but only comes to town on holidays and special times like Mother's Day, etc. I was expected to visit with him when he decided to show up and act like nothing was wrong, which I did for a long time. I became very angry about his non involvement and had it out with him a couple of times to no avail. He think's it's my attitude and not his fault. About four years ago I had it and decided I was going to break relations with him. In my opinion, he can come see my mother at her assisted living facility (on his semi-annual visit), call her on the phone, or whatever. Just leave me out of it. I continue to handle my mother's medical, financial, and emotional needs without having to deal with the additional stress of dealing with him. I don't know what's involved in your situation but my stress has diminished greatly since I made the break. Hope things work out for you.
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upon typing the last about dad being admitted for that week for the iv antibiotics, especially after saying earlier he was having to have someone stay with him to keep him from pulling iv's out I was thinking about how things were then - forgot to put in there I'd also gone back up the month before for another week, actually the week of dad's 95th birthday for grandson/son and gf for a trip they were having to make regarding her wreck and settlement - long story - plus re her lawyer wanting her to file bankruptcy - have mixed feelings about that; had his nephew come over and play guitar for him; he was past the point of taking him anywhere, didn't even realize it was his birthday or what the cake and card were even about - but pretty sure grandson/son wasn't going to stay in the hospital for a week with him to make sure that didn't happen, not sure if beginning to have issues with son/dil/gd - that still had - down here, why didn't feel could go again, or...why didn't even think about it until read MDWrig's post, at the time was just glad there was a solution, since nothing else seemed to be working out...but they'd said they would sedate him for that week but maybe because he didn't have a living will or DNR, which why were calling earlier with the iv's when he would stop breathing, why not the same, was going to say didn't understand "till passed out" but, true, guess sedative normally is just to keep you calm, not sure had even thought about it, just always pictured him as being "out of it" that week but maybe they did just keep him calm, which, in some ways, makes me feel worse, but also makes me wonder if possibly they had done that earlier when he'd ended up there by himself and they'd said he was doing fine - he was asking about granddaughter in the hospital so he knew what was going on, neither of these times was he in icu, so maybe that could have made a difference, but certainly never heard anything about giving him morphine, which was always an issue with mom with, say, her grandmother, think her dad and mom, that she thought they'd always done with them, but then never thought about him being in pain either, all this here is now though; I so hope not and sugar in IV? oh, glucose, for nutrition - took me a minute on that one; not sure if thought about that, either, but if, indeed, they did have him completely sedated - "out of it" then I suppose they surely were at least doing that; I think I would have been told about a feeding tube but probably, since they were treating infection, that is probably what they were doing, but, yes, with a living will and DNR, though wouldn't it depend on what the living will said? But maybe I don't really understand the whole situation; isn't that what those documents are for? but I also understand seems they can be misused; hub and I were just having that convo and seems somebody on here was talking - they give guidance and direction but don't believe they're actual mandates, but when told hub that, he said what's the point then?
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violet, not a sibling, don't really have any, but....long story but a son - their grandson they treated like theirs - so guess that kinda makes him like a brother; I'd moved and, yes, moved him off from them, or at least that's they way they both - he and mom, anyway - took it, she and he probably would have been glad had I just left him with them, though not sure how dad would have thought of it - have a comparison but will see how that goes - anyway he ended up moving back up and in with them, in and out, anyway, like the alc above, so anyway since he lived up there, after mom died and dad was by himself and he thought son/grandson wasn't doing anything, another long story, he thought they'd be doing each other a favor by grandson moving in with him - yea, I know, but you see how they think - took him a while but he finally did it, wasn't too bad at first, till he found him collapsed a few months later, winding up in icu in the hospital - now....this was the issue, this was just about 2 wks. after my granddaughter was born down here, which by itself might not have been too bad, but she was still in the hospital with pretty severe condition, but....since she had her parents I left - oh did I forget to mention he lived 5 hrs. away (which was closer than I'd moved originally) - and went up there and stayed about a month, 2 wks. him in the hospital then 2 wks. after he went home on home health, then having to make ER runs to hospital to get blood transfusions then get back to going to his blood disorder doc, though not quite that long; by then grandson - and gf - had had enough of me and were ready for me to leave, until.....gf then had a bad wreck and had to be lifeflighted out of state to the hospital or...had dad had to go back in the hospital first and was there when this happened while I was back at the hospital with my granddaughter? - yes, she had parents but mom had her own issues, not even real sure how well she did while I was gone, but....actually she was from the same place and had left gd in the hospital - granted, I was staying with her - well, some, but that's a whole other issue - to go see her family while dad was in the hospital and grandson then, while dad was in there, and he was doing better this time, not in icu, at the other hospital with gf, while turned out gd's doc and sw had been looking for mom for a week because they and nurse hadn't been communicating to know that nurse had been with mom so finally called me and told me to get her back down here, with her not being there, even if I had been, so headed up to go get here on the very day that dad was getting out of hospital, again with home health, only got all mixed up that time as to what his actual orders were so grandson back there as well, not realizing, since hadn't been there what was going on, just knew not wanting me there, which, fine, couldn't stay anyway, turned out ended up falling - again - and having to be taken in to the doctor, hurt, which, they told me, but he hadn't nor had the home health even though by then I had poa but they didn't know that, something learning from all this they don't always ask for documentation and grandson had told them he had it, took a lot to finally find that out, then wound up going out of state for a month with granddaughter, like I said re dil, then after got back another crisis with dad that grandson called about but was able to get resolved, good thing because more with granddaughter till all that was over, then after somewhat over all that was getting ready to go up and spend a week with dad to give grandson/son/gf a much needed break when got phone call he needed to come back to the hospital yet again only this time they couldn't get in touch with son/grandson, so headed up harder and earlier than had intended but guess if you can make if 5 hrs. you can make it overnight and not go till next day, which we did, by the hardest; he just never understood and had it been just me, which, yes, in a way, it was, but still....but I guess that was my choice, knew that when all was said and done with dad he was the one was going to have to deal with - me deal with him or not and him deal with what would have happened - so....but this had been going on for months, almost a year at that point, pretty much every month, then having to start being stayed with to keep him from pulling iv's out, after them not being able to get in touch with him, which I wouldn't have left him, but... plus it blowing his veins, him really needing a port, but having physical issues with having the surgery to have it put in and with the doc who'd be the one to do it plus also dad not being able to understand any of it at that point and grandson not having any authority either about intubating when he'd stop breathing while this was going on, so would call me, they hadn't even mentioned it to him, guess just waited on me to show up about the other? but of course can't wait about that, learned you only have so long to decide, so through that they always did, alternate solution iv team but they weren't at that hospital so back to doc, etc. tried to call talk to doc while there but wanted to wait till appointment, when I wouldn't be there, or guess could have stayed but wanted to have big convo do we even want to still continue doing this; knew how he felt and how he'd feel toward me if stayed and even had it, so....was somewhat another option, just needed some tests run, so more or less began process of getting that set up and left, so he got all that done, without even fully realizing what getting done but ended up not working anyway, which had somewhat expected, just too old and too far gone but getting too tired for the other, which possibly led to another er run for something else that decision had to be made, so called me, but then by time could make it, shift change and decision made to admit for week on iv antibiotics
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