Love notes from caregivers who have lost someone.

My mom was 101 and three months when she passed. She was born in NJ, Worked in a store for a few years after high school and then married my father when she was 21. First came my sister, than me - 9 years later. Mom never worked after she married. She was a homemaker all her life, loving and devoted to my Dad and my sister and me. She had no other interests or hobbies, which is unusual. My father passed away from pancreatic cancer when he was only 65. Mom was never the same. She didn't know how to be by herself without someone else.
Mom was always there for us. She cared for my niece, she helped me out both financially and emotionally when I went through a divorce. She was always there for me, always cared. She was my best friend.

Fifteen years later she married my father's ex partner and she became a different person. He was a horrible horrible man: misogynist, selfish, domineering, jealous of my father and arrogant. She was married to him for ten years and during that time she was like his pet, his dog, his servant, and he did all her thinking and controlled where she went, what she ate. He never let her be alone with me or my sister. We were glad when he passed away because Mom had developed anxiety attacks and he scared her telling her she was having a heart attack and shoved nitro in her mouth. She would never have lived more than a few years had he been around.
But, when he was gone, she still was lonely. We finally talked her into moving to independent living where she resided for 8 years. She was never a happy person, always shy and bored with herself. When dementia got too bad we moved her to assisted living.
She was independent, stubborn, strong and healthy. She was blessed with a loving heart, devotion to family and almost perfect health, never sick, never took any medication except antidepressants.
She refused to use a walker and finally fell badly enough that she was no longer able to walk and ended up in a nursing home.
She spent the last 5 months of her life there, confused and struggling to get out of bed or wheel chair, refusing to give up. They called her the energizer bunny, Finally a fall that fractured her pelvis put her on her final journey. By then her dementia left her confused and deafness even with hearing aids made communication impossible. We wrote notes on a white board. To watch her fail was the most painful thing I have even experienced. She was a shell, not my mom any more, just a very very old lady who was mentally suffering. We were relieved when she passed. She had always said she didn't want to ever be in a nursing home, she was fiercely independent and strong and proud. So when God called her, it was a life well lived but time to go and be with my Dad and for us to get on with our lives and try to remember the person she really was.

This entire thread was missing when I came over to see what you wrote, Lucky and Gershun. So happy this special space is here again-a good place to share feelings!

I still can't believe Mother is gone sometimes and that it is truly all over.For 9 and a half years,I fed her,medicated her,changed her,bathed her,did all the hostpitalizations with her,radiations,falls,trips to the E.R.,surgeries,all the extra dishes and laundry,took her anywhere and everywhere she wanted or needed to go,took our daily walks,and all the Hospice the last 3 and a half years with people constantly coming-the nurse,the pharmacy,the oxygen,the bathaid,ETC. and now,Nothing.......suddenly.It's So quiet now...too.Mother's belongings surround me in every room and this big old home I love has Never seemed bigger or emptier.I am still amazed that one little human being needed so much care.I never stopped and I never got done.I always slept beside her with one eye open.I ran on adrenalin I guess.I was always scared.Then it really happened.She died.I thought she would come back......she always did before....but not this time.I don't know what I'm going to do without her....she was my purpose for so long.I'm trying though and somehow I'm still surviving.I really miss her...........................tonight I will try to go back to my old bed,again and I'll eat dinner withmy husband instead of by myslf next to Mother's empty chair.I realize she's not coming back.

Lucky I was just having a moment thinking that today last year was Mom's last conscious day. May 9th is the anniversary of her death. I have been feeling out of sorts all day today. I guess thats why.

I wish you were putting in your Mother's curls tonight too Lucky. :(

I wish I was putting in Mother's curls tonight and I wish I could hold her and tell her I Love her and she'd hold me.Hopefully Dad is holding her,in Heaven.

jbo928...You did a good job letting her go.It was wonderful of you to pray with her.

My mom was a wonderful person. She had many flaws, yes, but she tried and cared for me the best she could. When she died, one of her closest friends told me she may have given you birth and raised you, but it didn't take long before you became the mother. She didn't want me after losing two other children but she told her friend God knew best and provided this lovely person to see her through life.

Two days before she died I prayed with her. She was so miserable and her breathing was a struggle even on while on a ventilator. She was terrified of death, even as a Christian, so I talked about Phil 4 and anxiousness. I said God your child is anxious and scared but you are here with her guarding her heart and mind in Christ Jesus, please relax her and reassure her of the great life that awaits her. I told her everything would be okay and don't worry, you're in the best of hands of the one who can give you an abundant life eternally. She smiled and I kissed her forehead. I thought well done mom, you good and faithful servant. Go live in that awesome mansion and have a great time!

My mother dressed us up in new plaid easter dresses and cut our hair into duck-tails, for my sister and I. One dress was blue plaid, one was yellow. fyi.

So, today is the 3rd anniversary of my Mom's passing. She suffered from dementia for the last 2 1/2 years of her life. BUT she nearly made it to her 98th birthday so it's hard to complain about a 'relatively' short illness.
And today, my sibs and in-laws are all sending around emails with photos and memories of mom, Also got notes from cousins. I thank God for my Mom and for all of the caring relations who (3 years later) are still remembering.
I am still involved with MIL, but I wish all of us involved in these journies peace and appreciation for walking the final journey with those who are so special to us.

The future is so much like the past and present, only more of it!
(unless you change it).

No we don't Gershun. It's just as important for us to shed the anger we held inside once and for all. It's a solid reminder to others of their responsibilities to children and the far reaching impact abuse has right up into later life and I still carry scars at the age of 63

It usually said of war but is equally true for abuse - Lest we ever forget. So talk on people and remember the past talk about it then let it go into wherever it needs to be - the golden album for constant review or the gutter to join the rest of the filth there xxxx

Sendme let the opposing views rev up their engines. We learn from our past.Thats why we should celebrate our elders. I'm not unsympathetic to those of you who lived through abusive childhoods at the hands of those who were supposed to love you. You get a pass.

Isn't talking about the past a way to honor the ones we loved? It's painful for me now but I hope one day I can talk about my mom and smile.

Lets ALL talk about the past. It has become a cry of the selfish who are just not interested in another's life "Oh, that's in the past, don't talk about it!" Mostly said by the adult children of a suffering elder. (Not you, who hear the repetitions of an ill family member so often you want to scream.) But you, who have something good to say about those you loved.
Maybe this is not such a good idea, afterall. I can hear the opposing views revving up their engines. That's okay too, just don't hate me.

Family legacy: No talking.
I hope you do bring up Mom and Dad, often,,Gershun, breaking the silence.

I'd love to talk about my Mom with my siblings too but I bring her up and everyone just gets silent. It was the same way with my Dad. He died when I was very young. I never understood why no one EVER spoke about him. I was starved for information about him when I was young. Now it appears like everyone is going to become mute about Mom now too. I plan on bringing her up at every opportunity.
If they can't handle it they can bugger off.

My mom loved watching Downton Abbey and Keeping Up Appearances, we love DA as well and finished season five with her but I can't bring myself to start season six right now. She was a Senior Olympics gold medalist for aerobics

Projection is a trait for those who need to cope with something that they regret. THEY REGRET NOT DOING so they project that on to you - and then all is right in their world but not in yours (they won't care one jot about that though - yet) Stay focused and start to write your future darling and start it with your wonderful happy Mum who you cared for and who you did sadly lose but who will always be a joy in your heart and you in hers. For yours is the future - make the most of it and make your Mum proud hun xxxx

Wisteach, you did the right thing, bringing your Mom home with you! They weren't caring for her properly, and now they are putting all the blame on you to deflect their poor actions!
You bring all of your loving memories of your Mom right here to this thread, we all would Love to hear the stories of your time with her, and her amazing life! Don't listen to that garbage they are spewing, you know that you did the right thing! Your Dear Mom was at the end of her life, mad more comfortable by YOU! Never forget that! Eventually the pain does lessen, though it will take time. I'm sorry for your loss! You hang in there! HUGS!!!

Wisteach....I'm sorry you have more pain on top of pain.Keep hanging on...

You will be appreciated forever!

Spend all your emotions loving and missing Mom.
Here is a caregiver's love note to you, and everyone who put themselves out there, way out, to care for Mom.
We love you!

Thanks. The funny thing is that my siblings and dad were the ones hard to deal with. Being with my mom was easy...she said thank you every night for all we did for her, she never complained(except when we had to use the side rails on the bed), and for once really seemed to be at peace and feel loved and not a burden to anyone. I guess I shouldmfocus on those things Bc that's what's important. My emotions have a way of stealing those moments.

Since this is untrue, not even a facsimile of truth, you can get through it.
You have heard of the 5 stages of grief. Well, your family's stage will lie in the anger/denial stages for a long, long time.
The big lie takes a kernal of what looks like truth and twists it until the lie fits their conclusions. While it was too much to take on-somebody had to assist Mom and get her away from the neglect. You were there, Wisteach, it was hard, it became harder, but you were there! No one can realistically condemn you for that-so don't doubt yourself. Don't go there. Sorry you lost your Mom.

Thanks for the support. I lost my mom and the rest of my family. While it's true they're not the best it makes this grieving all the more difficult. Who I am to reminisce about childhood memories with about her. There aren't many adult memories because of the out of state distance, we lived in three different states and holidays were spent anywhere, mostly me with in-laws except twice when I took my family to my mom and dad's place, or when my mom visited me for Thanksgiving. They're now with my dad brainwashing him, he asked me yesterday, why did I take her? Well, my two sisters, mom, and dad thought it was a good idea. Oh, and bc she was crawling on the floor to get up, barely eating fresh food, and peeing in her chair while she lived with you, dad. My dad told me yesterday if I couldn't do it, then I shouldn't have taken her. I swear they think I made her die prematurely. The week after she came here, she couldn't walk on her own with a walker and we started using the wheelchair. I just don't know why he is now saying those things. I only believe that heust think the outcome would have been different if she was still w him. This is what my sibs told me, I took on too much and I shouldn't have done it. She would have does a horrible Travis death of we disint take care of her. My aunts and cousins all saw everything. I can't believe they're accusing me of this and week, accusing me but not even speaking to me about it.

...{{{{HUGS}}}}

Send I am glad you explained that one I wasn't too sure what had happened. Wisteach losing anyone is horrendous, a parent even more so and to have it surrounded by unpleasantness makes everything even worse.

Crying is really helpful and is an expected part of grief so do let the tears flow. Send is right. This is your life, your script and you alone can write the future, don't let what is past define you. now is the time to say Mum I loved you and I know you knew that and now I am going to live my life in a way that will make you proud of me.

there are times in our lives when we just have to amputate those who hurt us or who try to hurt us...better to live with one leg than to be infected by keeping the bad one! xxx Stay strong xxx

Gershun, I agree that somehow, Mom is with you.

Wisteach, so sorry for your loss! To have your Mom die, with such a serious diagnosis, and then have family disbelieve you and reject you just adds to such a sad situation. I am sharing this here for your benefit, because everyone here will understand and support you. As you post each painful thing, and how you loved your Mom, and you will cry, I am sure, you will get through this. Try to take some consolation in the fact that you know you did best for Mom, never doubt yourself.
So sorry.

Stacey I may of already told this story but anyhow I'll tell it again. The very last conversation I had with my Mom I knew something was not right but she kept assuring me that things were fine. I used to always sing to my mom. That day I sang "You've got a Friend" by Carole King.

So fast forward to Christmas Eve of last year. I was talking to my niece about Mom and she was telling me that she always felt that Grandma, my mom had a special connection to God. I agreed with her and I had just got through saying to my niece that "oh I'm sure mom's spirit is right here with us. Then I looked at the t.v. and on my sister's play list there was the song "You've got a Friend"

I just know that was a message from Mom. You know how you just know when it is. I just know.