I’m constantly feeling overwhelmed! Working full time, and trying best to balance family obligations. Mom with dementia refuses to acknowledge has a problem and doctors and social workers don’t want her living on own any longer. Our family concurs.

I am stressing how to move someone to assisted living or board and care who is refusing to leave home.

My fear is removing her from home kicking and screaming. I do have POA and doctor recommendations in writing.

My work is being affected due to taking time off for mom appointments and constant calls during day regarding mom.

My home life is affected because my family needs attention that I can’t give because time with mom.

Mom feels I’m taking over life and treating her like her opinion doesn’t matter, says she was fine before I got in her business. I remind her about unpaid bills, rent, and imaginary people she says living with her she said people forget things when they age.

I have the task this week of deciding between Assisted living and board or care for mom both options she’ll hate. I know this needs to be done but the anxiety is getting to me. I want to scream!

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A follow-up to my recent post about finding a placement for mom. Owner of board/care came to visit mom and was actually able to connect with her in a way we as a family was not. She asked ahead of time moms likes and dislikes and incorporated them into the conversation with her. The visit was focused just on mom and making her feel because she was aging she was still a viable person and the things they could do together like walks, go to movies, listen to jazz etc. The discussion to move into Caretaker’s home went a lot smoother than expected. My son and I, who was also there during the visit looked at other after driving home and wonder did that just happen she agreed to board and care?

Fast forward couple of weeks our family has been getting mom’s place ready for move, it’s been difficult mom gets emotional about letting us sort through her things and wants to inspect everything. Through this process I keep expecting the shoe to drop and everything to fall apart.

I’m praying our family can make it through this transition.

Please remember the most important thing is to get mother somewhere safe ASAP. Once she is placed and the stress is reduced (and your work and home life returns to a new normal), you can keep looking for somewhere "better" or more comfortable for your mother. I refer to your life as a "new normal" because as long as you care and your mother lives, there will be some stress and compromise in your life as you oversee your mother's care. That is not such a bad thing. I believe it is helpful to have children see and experience balancing the needs of other family members. One day it may be the needs of a sick or injured spouse, sibling or child instead of an aging grandparent that needs to be accommodated.

Kitty - I wish you luck and a lot of patience and perseverance. It will get worse before it gets better, so brace yourself for it.

When I introduced my Alz mom to a new sitter, mom was first agreeable, but after a couple of weeks, she refused the help, I waited a week or so and tried again, she was more receptive, eventually she became familiar with the sitter and accepted her. It's easy for me to type these words now, but at that time, I was pulling my hair out.

I want to start by saying I love this forum, before finding this site I was feeling so alone and discouraged. I’m constantly doubting myself having you all to be here to listen and encourage me can’t be expressed how appreciative I am.

My mom is pretty stubborn, at her last doctor appointment two weeks ago her doctor told her he didn’t feel she should be living on her own any longer. Of course when I broached subject with her claimed that’s not was said. The doctor did follow up with a letter to me stating based on cognitive testing and personal observation he is declaring she is not competent to handle finances or live on her own any longer.

Tomorrow we are having a potential board/care caregiver meet us at her home to introduce herself, and help us coach her into board and care.
Please keep our family in prayer that we can make it though this transition.

I feel you are all becoming part of extended family for me. It’s good to know I have a safe place, which pulls me back in my moments of doubt

Emotions like guilt are very commonly exploited by mothers toward their daughters. (Maybe it's the same between fathers & their sons also). Anyway, it gets very destructive so please try & ignore the manipulation attempts by mom, & do what you must. I think BarbBrooklyn said it well, in her reply. It's rough, but the hospital social worker has everything you need to discharge mom to appropriate facility... (So if your mom gets admitted for ANYTHING, be ready to get the ball rolling). Good luck.

You have answered your own question, her antics are affecting your entire life. I would place her in AL, they will take care of her. You can visit once or twice a week and go on with your life. If she is mad, so be it, you are making the right decision for her. You are entitled to living your life too.

Your mother was fine before you "got in her business." She was fine in 1980, too. She was fine when she was ten.

What I'm pointing out is that your mother is angry that she isn't fine *now* and she is looking for something to blame that doesn't involve there being anything she needs to do anything about.

This is all your fault! Look what you made me do! You put me off! - I'd have been fine if you hadn't bothered me...

Poor mother. Poor you.

The family concurs - are they also helping?

Kitty - so sorry for your situation. I understand the stress you're going through completely because I was in the same boat. My mom also has Alz, and having her at my house for 2 years almost drove me insane.

Have you decided between AL or board/care? How is mom reacting to it?

I hope you can come up with something that helps you. I know how stressful this kind of thing can be. I thought I was going to have a breakdown, it was so disturbing, time consuming, draining, etc. It might help to discuss the situation with her doctor. Maybe, his input can help. If the doctor tells her, it must happen, she may be more accepting, especially, if it's on a short term basis. Would she agree to go to an AL for just awhile to get some therapy like, PT, medications adjusted, health back on track, work on memory, etc.? That's what my LO did. She soon forgot why she was there.

I might add that she may never go willingly and that she may be angry with you short term, but, she will forget about that. If you can learn to let the insults go over your head and just make the decisions on her behalf, since you said you have DPOA. I'd keep in mind that the staff needs to be able to manage care of someone who is resistant to care and who needs constant supervision, not just reminding.

There is the alternative of leaving your mom to her own devices until she falls or becomes ill. That's what a great many people here have had to do.

Once she is in the hospital, you have her discharged to rehab. From there to long term care.

It doesn't mean you don't love your mother. It means you refuse to play at her game of independence. You block her number and tell her to call 911 if she needs help.

"Right now, it's your choice, mom. This way, you and I get to choose where you live. If you wait until you fall, someone else will choose".

I'm sorry if this sounds cold. It's the reality that will allow you to save your own life.

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