Losing my self...

Guess none of us really knew how poorly dad was doing until I moved in with him. I fully expected to get a job shortly after moving down here.
My sister comes down once a month and stays overnight at a hotel, I can escape for a little bit ( but I have to have meals prepared for them). This month she is coming down so I can get a colonoscopy( woo hoo) but she will leave right away. She takes care of his bills and is the one I vent to. One brother is totally absent, maybe get a call from him every 6 months. Other brother calls him once a week but ends up telling me that I need to be doing more with him to keep him more mental engaged.
I know this isn’t forever, he is 97 after all. He is grateful and sorry to put me in this position. He has offered to leave me the house ( it’s not worth much, manufactured home in a sr development) but it may cause more issues than it is worth. Have applied for aid and attendance, praying to get that to be able to get some respite care.

Wiggie... I totally understand. My honey and I have been together 30 (not married...not even common law). Wouldn't trade him for the world and love him (though he drives me to distraction at times). I have been sole caregiver for 13 years with no respite. He used to love to get on the computer but now can't due to the edema but he loves to watch the news from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed. I don't. (same page different verse most of the time on the news). I desperately need to work to supplement so that I pay the bills but can't as he is not able to care for himself even for a short period of time due to the edema from his heart failure. I am working to get my art business started so that I can work from home. Till then...tight budget. I do feel guilty at times and try to schedule time one or two evenings a week for "family time". I will also spend time with him when I take a short break or lunch break. Other than that am at my computer doing my paintings. ( I hand draw and paint all of them on the computer). I do feel guilty at times, but realize that 1. I need a sanity saver and 2. I have to do everything I can to get my business going. I believe he understands this and I always make sure he is taken care of or if he needs me all he has to do is let me know. This seems to be working out well. Don't feel guilty especially if she enjoys watching tv or reading. Hope this helps. Hang in there. By the way I agree with Xenajada...your siblings should be stepping up to help. We have no family that lives close, but I know that if I desperately needed my honey's brother and sister-n-law help they would do everything they could to help me despite their busy schedule as they are family to me as well.  My brother.... not so much and my daughter and 4 granddaughters live too far away to help. 

This is absolute BS that your siblings even GO on vacation, much less post pics of it while you cannot even leave the house to go to the grocery store. You will start to feel better once you start making a PLAN and working on it to make it come together. You need to move back to where you know people and move your dad there too. Sell his house and use the money for assisted living for him. You need to get on a conference call with your siblings and lay it on the line. This is absolute selfishness on their parts to expect to just go on with their lives and have you completely give up yours. They need to be spending their vacations there with dad and giving you a BREAK!

I position my mother in front of the television for a large part of the day-I work from home and this is how I manage it but I feel so guilty putting her in front of the TV for so many hours of the day. She does read sometimes and she looks at the birdfeeders I feel like I should be down there having a cup of tea and talking with her more - I am feeling very guilty about that - Does anyone else have similar pangs of guilt about  putting their loved one for hours in front of the TV?   She is in a wheelchair.   She is 89 and I have been caring for her for about 2 1/2 years in my home.... thankyou

Tollermama - your situation really sounds untenable. I wonder if this was thought through before you and your siblings decided that one of you should move in with Dad. Did you all understand that your father could not be left alone and that you would need to work to pay your bills while caring for him?

I totally relate to the resentment building up as your siblings go on happily living their lives while you take care of your father's needs. I had that issue too when I was living with my mother and taking care of her full-time. It's so easy to ignore the problem when you're not the one who has to deal with it.

I wonder how involved your siblings actually are at this point. Do they call you on the phone to keep up with what's happening with your Dad? Are they available to listen to you vent and brainstorm for solutions with you?

I think you need help here. I think you need to involve your siblings in a discussion of alternate solutions for Dad. Maybe he should sell his home and use the money to fund some residential care. Maybe your siblings can chip in to provide some home care for when you're working or need a respite. A new solution is needed here. It shouldn't be all on you.

I wish you luck.

Dropped out for a bit because I was so disheartened. So my story is... I was selling my house to downsize anyway, it was too expensive to rent a place nearby that would accommodate my dad, me and our 2 dogs. My house was a 3 story bank barn totally unsuitable for him. He owns a small home in a 55+ community. I was the most mobile of 4 kids, I was the chosen one, all made sense on paper. Fast forward 6 months, I have called 911 and he has been admitted to the hospital 4 times already. I can’t leave him alone but I have to work to pay my bills. I got a p/t job starting next week but I am stressed beyond belief. My sibs, who are all 2-3 hrs away go about their lives, and I resent them. Hate seeing their vacation pics, day trips, lounging by their pools etc on FB when I’m just excited to get out to the grocery store. Im so drained emotionally and now I have a job that is physically draining. If it weren’t for my son and dog....

How did this start?

Did you volunteer to quit your job and move in with dad?

Did it seem like a good idea at the time?

What changed?

More information will get you better answers.

I cannot speak for Tollermama, but perhaps having her dad move in with her would be just as taxing on her life as now. I would agree with the idea of moving him to a place near her original home, so she can be there for him but not living with him.

Absolutely move him back to YOUR home. My Dad lived in Las Vegas and when he needed care, I told him he was moving to OUR home in Alaska or he could fend for himself. Every now and then he complains about the cold, but I tell him to quit bi***ing as that's the way it is. He's been with us 2 years now and we do feel trapped as caregivers, but it's my house and my rules. I laid down the law and told him I wanted to hear no complaints and the 1st negative thing I heard out of his mouth about my wife, that he would be gone. There is no way I would recommend anyone uprooting their life in relocating to a new town to take care of anyone. It's my house or nothing. No guilt, just reality.

Agree - go home and take dad with you. The ONLY thing getting me through caring for mom is that I moved her here. She really didn't want to but she had no choice, if she wanted to be cared for.  I knew there would be nothing for me if I had to give up my beloved community, and my trusted social/support network, in order to go to her and care for her. Now you know what it's like, too, even if you didn't know in advance. I doubt it's too late to make a change - do whatever you have to do to get your life back.

I agree with Garden Artist. You might as well have moved to Mars.

Go back home with your dad and have him either live with you or find an assisted living facility close to your home.

You will go to a "bad place" mentally if you continue being miserable where you are.

Toller how long have you been with dad?

You and only you can regain the life you had, and piece it back together. While you're still out of state, have you been able to meet new friends, start a new job?

Your siblings have no need to change their lifestyles; you've provided what your father needs; they can continue their lives without becoming involved.

So you'll need to find an alternate way of caring for your father. Can you consider moving back home, either bringing your father with you or finding suitable living arrangements for him?

Was there some reason you made such a drastic change, i.e., giving up everything to care for your father? It's a noble and considerate gesture, but it sounds as if there were just too many sacrifices. Now you need to "put your life back together again."

Think about how you can do that where you are now, and if you can't, it's time to consider returning home and bringing your father with you, either in your home or in a senior community, or elsewhere.