Losing my dad slowly...


My dad has been in memory care for over a year. He has really declined over the past 5 months. It's so hard. I am an only child and I keep most of my emotions over this whole thing inside but today I am alone and crying for my dad. I am weary of people saying that well, I am lucky that he is alive because, unbelievably, their dad has already died. As grown children we prepare ourselves for the eventual death of a parent. But this dementia stuff is just more than I bargained for. I mean, eventually I am still facing his death. It's not like this is INSTEAD of his death. It really is the long goodbye. When a parent dies you can grieve and move on. Every day my heart breaks for my dad and this could go on for years.

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You are so right in every word you said. my heart goes out to you. to take care of someone who is dying is the slowest most painful death for your parent and for a part of your heart that they will take with them. I know how you feel as I did it for both of my parents whos health was declining at the same time.
after a period of time I realized that they could no longer live in their home alone. my husband and I agreed that I would move in with them to help them out.
four sisters and not one agreed to help take care of them. they were out of the picture. They never called, visited, or even came to their funerals. their excuse was they had their own families to take care of.
It was a very long and painful process until they left this life for a new journey. The pain will never go away but I cherish the good times that I had with them
throughout my life.
I miss both of them deeply.....

I lost my father first and three weeks later my mom passed also. my heart was
and will always be broken.

I can empathize with so many of these comments. My mom died of Alzheimer's about 5 1/2 years ago. She had it for about 5 years. About 10 days after she had passed away, my husband and I were doing some long-neglected errands, and we stopped for lunch. I had a coupon for a local restaurant. I told him that there was something wrong with this: that my mom died 10 days before and we were going out to lunch, and he told me, accurately, that I had been mourning her for 5 yrs. People really don't understand the dynamics of this disease unless they have been faced with it. But, I guess it's not their fault for not understanding, because I didn't really grasp the severity of it, until we were faced with it.

this thread is my "favorite" thread - not that it is a pleasant issue of course, but whenever it emerges again after several weeks I re read through all of it and it sort of summarizes all the angst, grief, sometime victories, et al that go with a situation like this. Given this happened to my dad earlier in the year culminating in his passing at end of April, it has provided me a lot of comfort. Not that others have to go through it too, but in knowing its often part of life.

I can relate to you 100%. In the same situation. Except my 91 yr old dad is in rehab and skilled nursing (if that's what they call it) after a gall Bladder operation and infection. It's a nightmare. Our health care and insurance industry is the worst. Insurance rep came to see him and apparently has given him only has 8 days to get better. If he doesnt improve, they make them leave. This is Florida!! The biggest population of elderly but no decent care to be found. Most of the dimentia care facilities are full so we have no idea what we are going to do. He wouldnt want to live this way, I know that. Such hard times! People dont have any idea when they say "at least you still have him". We don't have them. The grip of dimentia has them!! It's watching them slowly be torchured.
I hate that this has to be how his life ends. And like you, he could go on and on. It's awful! And there are no answers but to hope and pray they close they're eyes one day and are no longer in pain.
I feel for you so ♥️

I am in the same boat, my mom had an active life and seeing her decline now and suffering in the facility its just a big big burden for me, I dont understand why god is so heartless....

Dear upstream, we are all too familiar with this long goodbye, some like me have already lost their loved one to dementia (my mom) and others are still struggeling with parents or loved ones suffering with dementia all are in different phases of grief...most just want it to end and to have their loved ones at peace. Ist wrong to wish for them to die? No, I think not! We want their and our suffering to end and we do this with love. My mom would have hated to know what she had become, thank God she did not know...my Dad and I cared for her at home until she died and to be truthful when she died I only felt relief...for all of us. I hope that your loved ones journey will end soon and peacefully for all of your sakes! Blessings Lindaz.

Dear Upstream,

My heart goes out to you for I know what you are enduring. I lost my Mom just 10 months ago to end stage renal failure and stages of dementia. It was a very long process of many years, being in Assisted living homes, hospitals and so much more.
The hardest is seeing how they used to be, so hold on and treasure the memories. Hold onto the pictures, special writings, books, places and more.

If you are close with a family member or friend than stay in contact with them. Take time for yourself, spend quite moments, by looking in
to the treasures....stay in a support group if you can and most of all Pray!
See all the reason it made it harder is the division with my siblings, so with the strength of the Lord and my quiet moments and friends I’m pressing on! It’s not easy....

Psalm 62
Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Upstream, No. No guilt, you are hurting for your dad. It's not your fault. As a former memory care caregiver you said it yourself, "he didn't want to live that way". Please, Honey, and I am walking a very thin line here since I've just joined by saying it. Please don't let yourself go there. I've lived what you are living with, I began at age 8 with my 69 year old grandmother. I've worked in the field all of my life.
No one wants to see our family member suffer mentally, physically, or suffer with embarrassment.
Ourselves feeling lost and not knowing what to do next in any given moment,
Or the loved ones who are "walking up to the line", fully knowing that their minds - watching the frustration.... "something's wrong, but I can't put my finger on it, dammit!!".
It's ok to feel all of what you're feeling, it's the disease, no need for guilt.
As Mr. Smith said about Mrs. Jones passing said to me, "how sad". I said, "no, she's free".
There's no wrong in not wanting your dad to suffer.
Children of dementia suffer burnout as well. Please no guilt.

Hi Gladimhere, yes the same kinda thing happen to my mother. She had to have an emergency op to save her life!!....we felt we had no choice. Mums dementia wasnt a major concern at the time but after the op it became full blown within 6mths. I was just trying to express that even though you talk to people/friends xtra (mayb for years about yr experiences with dementia) they still dont understand the gravity of the disease...it amazes me that people think they just go a bit 'loopy' its sooooooo much more than that as we all have experienced. I think TNtechie put it perfectly about when the real person appears is probably the hardest.I would feel myself desperately trying to keep her ...like trying to keep her from drowning......but i could never!

All of our experiences are different but yet the same. We have compassion for each other even though our paths are different. We still all.support each other.

Rosmus, friend's mom did not pass the mind test? She must be developing dementia! Anesthesia will hasten and intensify dementia, many times it is permanent. I saw this happen with my mom at 81 following a hysterectomy due to cancer. Hindsight tells me she should not have had the surgery because when we are elderly cancers tend to spread and progress very slowly.

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