I thought I was alone when it came to losing my mother-daughter relationship from caregiving.

Austin - it's my kids that she says that she hates... so dropping them off at her house is really not an option.
Mitzi - to me, you are the icon. You have set your limits, know your limits and live by them. I am having a hard time with the boundaries, especially since she calls all the time claiming that all of this is my fault or my kids or husbands fault. Every single call is a fight while I try to remind her that the reason we were angry was because she was so nasty, not the other way around. She just cries and swears that she didn't do anything wrong and I am just being TERRIBLE and I am such a HORRIBLE daughter!
I'm hoping that this is the direction that GOD is guiding me toward and that this is the answer to all my prayers. Perhaps he is finally telling me to set my limits and let her live with it. I don't know. I do know that this is terribly difficult and I seem to be on pins and needles all the time, sick to my stomach, etc. But, this too shall pass, as my father (wonderful man) always used to tell me when we were hashing over my mothers latest transgression.
One of her old friends recently emailed with a story that happened a long time ago. She and some other friends were at a restaurant that my parents happened to arrive at. My mother approached their table and gave them a very loud tongue-lashing because these friends hadn't invited my parents to join them or tell them that they were going. This was about 15 years ago, so you can see, this is nothing new, only worse now with the aging and the passing of my father.

Thanks, ladies. Don't we all need a smidgeon? Love it when we can just hang with our friends who don't expect anything, and we don't owe an explanation. Just laugh and enjoy each other's company. And the encouragement is marvelous.

I didn't mean to say our praying changes anyone. We may only see that in heaven. People need to be willing to change. For me, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is then I cried out to God, and He changed me. I tried, but really couldn't. And I can't change my Mom. Only God and she can do that. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. I may not see those desires fulfilled until we get to heaven.

What loving person wouldn't crave a normal relationship with their parent? But that parent has to crave it too. Just because they aren't healthy, doesn't mean we can't be. We just have to find health where it is, and deal with the unhealthy stuff we have with Mom or Dad or siblings. Yuk. Remember, sometimes God makes people willing to change, through circumstance, etc. We all have choices for how we handle what's been dealt. We didn't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Choose well!

Dede... Austin is right, you have to set hard limits. But what I would follow up on is that if she doesn't remember what she said (and even though it may be a lifetime behavior), check if there are meds that could affect it etc. Also, discuss it with her doctor. Track patterns? (cringing)

But if she said she hated my kids. I'd flat out tell her, "Mom, as much as I'd love you to come by and give them gifts, until you can not hate anymore, you cannot come over." With love and firmness. If she doesn't remember she said it ask, "Perhaps you need me to record things as a reminder?" See what happens then?

For me, mom never got the politely direct subtleties. I had to be direct and blunt with mom. For some that may work, for some it may not. Some people feel love is allowing them to be a little more forgiving, let them do because they are sick, but I'm going to tell you something... that is such a deceitful misnomer.

My sister in law works with special needs and autistic children and she says that's why they are behaved so poorly in private or out in public. Even special children can understand (do not always like it), but it turns out an enjoyable event because of the boundaries or rules set in place. There's nothing wrong with it when it comes to even our parents.

I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack over it, but learning how to deliver the message of boundaries no matter what is wrong with mom or dad can help make our daily lives just a smidgeon easier. Draw strength on God for learning how to deliver and set boundaries. It's the only way to get through it!

Your prayers are heard but God has his own time frame-I am so sorry for what you are going through. She may never change and it is her fault she is lonely- it is sad for your kids-could you drop them off at her house for a short visit with them.

Anne - sorry, I forgot to say, that I do pray for her daily. I pray for her happiness and peace and acceptance. I pray that she will somehow see that her life has been pretty good and focus on the good not the bad, but she continues to only focus on every bad thing that has ever happened and continues to take her anger and bitterness out on me and family. I pray and pray and pray. I have been told many times that I have earned my halo, and I am proud of that, but I'm not sure that I need any more halo's. I crave a normal relationship with my mother and with God, but I'm not sure my prayers are being heard.

You guys are actually funny!! I do like the "time-out" chair idea.
Austin - I have tried, over and over, to explain that we can no longer tolerate her nastiness, and for a short time, she says she's sorry. Then comes the next phone call when she says that she can't believe that we are doing this to her and that it is all my fault because I ordered her out of my house when "she did nothing wrong". Anne is so right when she says that we are not dealing with reasonable people here. I know that I and my family have been over backwards, to the detriment of my kids, to meet her needs over the past 10 years, but she continually beets us down. Just this a.m., since my last post, she called to ask when she can see the kids because she has a gift for them, but in her very next breath she said that she "hates" them because they "have done this to her", then she asked when she could come over and give them their presents, so when I snottingly responded "Why would you want to when you hate them so much?" She responded, with "I don't hate them, why would you say that?" I just can't keep up and don't know when to trust her or what she says.
I've got to go to work now and pretend to be happy LOL, so I will talk with you guys later.
Thanks again for all your posts. You don't know how wonderful it is to be able to vent to people who actually understand!

How about a special time-out chair for Mom? (To think about what just happened...) Call a taxi, and let her drive home alone and pay for it herself, or by taking away a favorite food or privilege? This could get ugly! lol

Excellent thoughts! The only thing is, are we talking about reasonable people here? It is seemingly impossible to reason with unreasonable and cognitively impaired or emotionally deficient people. Though I love the idea of your limits. I've tried them, and they work...temporarily. But old patterns soon resurface, and the process starts all over. Old habits die hard, and old dogs don't always want to learn new tricks. That takes incentive, willingness, capability, and plain hard work. But we choose how to respond, and we are responsible and accountable for how we do so. We have to be different and strong and consistent in order to break the chains and patterns and not ruin the next generation. Love the dessert idea! Perhaps a separate table in the corner to "discipline" all offenders? lol

I think you need to hold a hard line with her if you can explain that her behaivor needs to change if you can give her one thing that you will not tolarate from her like her nasty treatment and when she can agree with these conditions she can come for a limited time like for dinner and she can bring something like dessert and maybe stay for 3 hrs. and if she is nice she can come back maybe in a month and if she acts out there will not be another invitation

Who says you have to have her over? At whose expense? And why do you have to hear it? I'm not suggesting abandonment. Do all you can to help her, but only from a distance. Worry? Why? Love her, yes. Pray for her and yourself? Definitely. Thank God for the good daughters. Those who scale the walls of bitterness and hate. We couldn't do this without God's help. But we need to remember to protect ourselves and our families from undue pain and abuse. Set your limits boldly. It's not a sin, and it's not a crime, though feeding the fleshly monster of resentment and evil clearly is. Be strong, and cry out to the One who sees and knows your heartache. Mom is hurting, and taking it out on you. Compassion, love and understanding needed. Perhaps some pity, too. But know you're admired by all of us here, and deeply loved by God and us too.

Nauseated. It is so nice that you had your mother as your best friend. That is something that I always wished that I had. But, my mother has always resented me. She hated being pregnant, she hated the birthing process and because my father is the one that wanted a baby, not her, she has always resented me as well. But, now, I am supposed to pay her back for giving birth to me, although she recently told me that she wished I had never been born.. wasn't that a nice thing to say? I feel that all I do is think about her and worry about the next phone call and what horrible thing she will have to say about me or my family. But she wants to know when she can over and see the kids again. I am in such a quandry, because I know I need to have her over and I will never the hear the end of it until I do, but she makes my kids so unhappy... It is very difficult... I just wish I could live my own life without always worrying and wondering about her.

Dear dede, here is a big hug for you! I wish my Mom was still here. I miss her so much, she was my best friend, and died when she was only 51. I always want to say to people when they complain about their mother's, at least you still have your mother, but when I read these posts I'm not so sure. Being in the caregiver position instead of the care receiver puts things in a whole different perspective, for daughters, as well as sons. Hugs to you all! Naus

Sean, my mothers is EXACTLY the same. She always has been very self-centered. My father did everything for her. She expected everything she wanted and he gave it to her. She has said some very nasty things to me and my childrent that have been very hurtful. Most recently, she had my son in tears and now is demanding that he call her and apologize!! My husband is not very supportive and I have no siblings, so all of her demands are on me. Just as you, she is the Queen and I am the servant. She doesn't want me have any kind of a life. We have only been on one family vacation in the last 10 years, because she demands that she goes with us, and I can't stand to haver her with us, so we just don't go. I hate to have the feelings that I have. I don't have a mother-daughter relationship anymore. My mother does not live with us, thank the lord, but she calls multiple times per day and if I don't answer, she tracks me down demanding to know where I am and why I didn't tell her. I find taht I make up lies so that she doesn't guilt me for not taking her along. I understand the not liking those feelings, I hate them, but she has caused this by years of taking and taking from us all. If she were to come over and laugh with us or listen to OUR stories, instead of crying, screaming and feeling sorry for herself, she would find that we all (including her) would be much happier, but I don't think that is in our future. Take care and know taht you are not alone.

Sean2-Welcome you have come to a great place- it is easier to deal with things when you know you are not alone and I hope you can somehow get some time for yourself and if you can try to find a caregivers support group in your area-you can check with your local hospital if not continus to post you will find great friends here who care about you.

Thank you so much for you help. Just knowing there are others that understand is very comforting. I am so glad that I found this.

Oh sweet Seam, what an interesting name. Reminds me of keeping two sides pulled together to work as one. Interesting.

Anyway, welcome aboard. Start reading threads and like Anne suggested, its a hot thread when it comes to dealing with mother's selfishness. I hope you can find some encouragement there too.

May you finding healing and comfort while giving care to someone within your family. Plenty here have many stories to share and a lifetime of comfort! Welcome!

Seam, just know you are not alone. The people here are angels and very supportive. Here you will not be judged, criticized, or yelled at, we promise.

seam, be proud of what you are doing , my geuss is a lot of our siblings that are capable, metnally would never cope. Be strong, when a little times comes along for you GRASP IT, you need it and certainlly deserve it, no one can possiblly take crap all day long and still always have love all you really need is love god bless...sandy

Bless your heart. I start getting upset just thinking about a visit to my queen mother. I don't like having to justify the feelings I have about her. Perhaps I wish there were other options, but a normal loving relationship with her is impossible, since she never was that way, and with declining cognitive issues, will probably never be. I grieve daily. Have you seen the thread called "I love my mother but don't like her?" I think you'll find many struggle with these same issues. You aren't alone here. So glad you decided to share. Keep coming back, and hang in there. I pray you find the love and encouragement you need here.