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I've learned you lose family, family friends and friends over the years twice. Once when you become a family caregiver, over the years, gradually you lose friends, family, because you're doing care 24/7, around the clock, non stop. It doesn't stop. It doesn't have to be feeding them or changing them. It could be driving them around everywhere, doctors offices, restaurants, stores, over and over again... To where you're around the family member your caring for 24.7... Especially if you're living with the person your caring for.


The second time you lose family members or friends.... Is when you finally put your loved one in assisted living, or a nursing home. You would think that people would be happy for you... But no.. Family members... friends will guilt trip you, asking you why you're putting your loved one away... telling you, asking you why you can't take care of your loved one anymore. I recently went through this... I'm slowly accepting the fact that I don't have a lot of people I consider as family or friends. After the way I've been treated for putting my mom in a nursing home... Unless they're in my shoes... no one should be telling me how to live my life.


Also, my mom needs help 24/7. Her attitude has changed over the years. Her switching back and forth from being sweet, caring and nice, to yelling, screaming, guilt tripping me, manipulating me, using me... I now know that she has dementia... anxiety, depression, etc. But it's up to me weather I put up with and tolerate her behavior. Honestly I've had it, she's 80... I can't take care of her 24/7... and if me putting her in a nursing home, looking after my own well being, causes me to lose friends and family then so be it. I only have one life. I'm 27... I'm now playing catch up with my life, because of me caring for mom, 24/7 for almost 10 years. If I end up losing my house, car, all my money, so be it. I'd rather lose everything, in order to gain my sanity back. I'd tell anyone to rethink the idea of becoming a family caregiver for someone.


Looking back... if I knew what being the main caregiver for my mom would cost me. I might not have done it. I know that sounds selfish but its the truth. No one tells you that by caring for someone, you're giving up your life. Job, college, dating, family, kids, friends, hobbies... and taking care of your loved one 24/7, there's no way anyone can have their own life and care for someone else 24/7...

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True friends ride out the bad along with the good. It's a sad fact.

A lot of people are considered a friend b/c you have similar interests, or you happened to go to the same school, whatever. A real friend asks what they can do to help and follows through. Same with family.

I went through a year of cancer last year---Lost most of my so-called friends. They'd send a text and say they were sorry, what could they do? and I'd never hear another word from them. The true friends went with me to chemo, didn't laugh at my bald, ugly head and completely hairless face. Brought treats that I could eat despite chemo blisters in my mouth. Called. Sent cards. Brought in a few meals.

I thought I was a person with a LOT of friends. In reality, I have about 5.

I'm finding my new norm, as are you. Be patient (my psych doc and therapist were wonderful). I am not going to be bitter about those who made no attempt to contact me, they didn't have to---but it's telling when someone calls you their 'dear friend' and you haven't spoken to them in years. Or they dump you as soon as the going gets tough.

Be gentle with yourself--take time to heal and let this be a great life lesson.

BTW--you did amazingly well!!
(3)
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“After the way I've been treated for putting my mom in a nursing home... Unless they're in my shoes... no one should be telling me how to live my life.” EXACTLY! They really are not your friends if they judge you for making your life your own again. Where was their concern for your wellbeing? You answered all of your own questions. You must have been verifying with us other posters if you are justified in your thoughts and actions. I’m with you 100%. If these “friends” were suddenly put in your position, they would jump back as though someone punched them in the face with the brass knuckles of reality (and then apologize profusely for not understanding the hell you’ve been put through).
(3)
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Good for you to finally look after yourself! Proud of you 👍. Go one day at a time & get hair & nails done. Then update resume ..make contacts...apply for jobs ...even a couple of part time jobs...then eventually resume college...everything will fall into place..Don’t give a thought to people who didn’t do anything to help you before...they are clueless HUGS🤗
(5)
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If any friend or family member questioned why after years of around the clock caregiving placement was necessary, I’d probably laugh at them, because I’d think they were joking or feel sympathy that they were so ignorant. Either way, they sound absent and not very sensitive. I hope you can surround yourself with kind and supportive people. We all have regrets about some things, but it’s not too late to find happiness.
(4)
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Hello, I’ve been taking care of my parents for almost 9 years. My dad passed away 2016 and my mom has lived with me since then and requires 24/7 care. You’re absolutely right, my life stopped. I have no life at all. I’m home all the time and I missed a lot of life that I wish I hadn’t missed. If I knew what I know now I would have done different and never been a caregiver. I missed so much life and I can’t ever get that back. I have never judged someone for not wanting to be a caregiver even before I experienced the hell myself. I know I sound like a horrible person but I’m just tired, exhausted, depressed, and would love to walk outside and enjoy a little life.
(5)
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I wished I would of learned that lesson at an early age. Now I am 32 and have missed most of my life. Now I am trying to figure how I can place them or move them out.
(4)
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Miku, I always knew I do not have it in me to do this taking care of someone 24/7.T
I am not ashamed to say I am not a Saint. I am a human being with flaws. If someone were to ask me why I cannot take care of my brother it would be no problem whatsoever to look them in the eyes and say "I just am not a good enough person to even consider doing such a thing". There is no shame in being imperfect. It is a very human thing. Allow yourself to be a human, not a Saint. And allow yourself to move forward in a new life. You will have all those things then that you want and that you should have.
(5)
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So true . No one can go 24/7 . It's unrealistic ! Who can prepare a 20 year old how to care for an elderly person, then how to put them in a nursing home. It's A LOT ! Yes, Ive cried these past few months, weeks, days, over my life, over mom, what I could have done differently, how most of my family and friends back off... Now I'm slowly accepting my new reality . I did all I could to help mom, to care for her, to make her happy, to do all I could for her. Her expecting me to care for her 24/7 was honestly selfish, because I had no one to help me with mom, no one, most of my family died, or moved out of state when I was a kid, or they don't like mom or mom doesn't like them, the whole thing with the family bickering is just bullshit, things that have nothing to do with me .
(4)
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Many years ago, when I was a young woman, my mother asked me how much it cost to live in Assisted Living. When I told her, she laughed and said, For that amount of money, we'll come and live with YOU and give you some money. Right then and there I said No Way Is That Ever Going To Happen. And it hasn't. My mother and I have a difficult relationship, to put it mildly, and the very thought of living in the same house with her again makes me consider suicide. Honestly. So, when dad fell and broke his hip in 2014, I placed both of them in Assisted Living and mother still lives there, in Memory Care. Dad passed in 2015. When mother runs out of money, I'll apply for Medicaid so I can get her into Skilled Nursing. She's 92 and going strong. She may outlive me at this point.

You are not a bad person for not wanting to devote your entire LIFE to caregiving, and neither am I. Others may tell us we are, while they judge from the comfort of their armchair and not in the trenches of Depends and the madness of the whole scene. Nobody understands it until they're faced with it.
(9)
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To answer your question. She took me in when I was a baby. My birth parents died when I was a baby. Her and her husband took care of me. Her husband died when I was 7. From then on, it was just me and her. As for the rest of the family, bunch of bickering, over money, the house and car, ect. I lived with mom all my life.. I thought I was doing the right thing by taking care of her . I just wish I knew what I was getting myself into now. Yes I love her, but I no longer like her. She needs, wants too much attention 24/7.
(2)
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Once she calms the hell down. I'm NOT putting up with her attitude any longer. I accept that I can't make her happy. Weather I take her home or leave her in a nursing facility ... I'm done. I done so much for my mom. I can't keep going on.... My anxiety and depression have gotten worse over the years, to where I needed to start seeing a doctor and start taking meds to stabilize myself. I don't care if she's happy or not. Her safety matters more to me then her happiness...
(4)
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Your post is profound and insightful and very sad and hopeful at the same time. Those of us who have been on this forum for a while are vilified for often suggesting to miserable and burned out caregivers that the time has come to consider what we politely refer to as “alternative placement” for their loved one. It’s a suggestion we probably make too often, but we make it to people who are staring into darkness and finding burnout, anxiety, depression and worse staring back at them simply because they were kind enough to agree to care for a loved one.

You don't detail why you were charged with caring for your mother at such a young age or why you were forced to suffer the judgements of family and friends who apparently did not do much to help you. Kudos to you for realizing that the opinions of these people don’t matter. I’m sure it wasn’t a realization you came by easily. It’s a victory for you and you should be very proud of yourself. Much peace and success to you as you explore your future.
(5)
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Miku; ((((hugs))))).

Mortal humans cannot be caregivers 24/7 for folks who need round the clock care.

Most of us are not independently wealthy and must earn a living in order to put a roof over our heads and eat every day.

We also need to earn enough SS credits to be able to retire when we're old.

There is no shame in getting your loved one into full time care when that is the level of care that they need.

It's just that a lot of people don't get that.

Go back to work and continue with your life. Visit your mom and take her treats. You get to be her loving daughter again!
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