Does anyone else feel that they are losing brain cells because of caregiving?

baxterri it always amazes me when i see the jobs of these siblings how they provide a service for strangers but wont even care about thier own mum? the worst i heard here was a sibling was a preacher in the local church but left his sister to do all the care and never helped out? my sister is a born again christian hasnt spoken to mum in years or is even concerned about her health?

I know what youre saying cant live with her in peace and cant leave because of the guilt mums moods are getting worse i hope too her doc can give her something to calm her soon! but thankgod you have a caring niece im the only one here who seems to give a d*mn about mum here? i still dont know how siblings can be so selfish?

bax would she not move to an AL?

Hadenough I don't know why I'm laughing. I came to your post because I'd just forgotten my internet password (again) and had a minute while I waited for the reminder email.

But what you said about socially awkward pauses… so there you are thinking oh God I can't think of any conversation… and there they are thinking she's wonderful looking after her mother, oh God I couldn't do that I feel such a worm… and then you really can't think of anything to say… and then they think oh God if I did caregiving I'd be standing at parties like a tin of milk too, like her, poor thing…

I know what you mean about Mommy brain, but what irked me about that was that, the second you told anyone you had small children, they automatically assumed you'd have nothing interesting to say and became extremely dull people to talk to. I.e. it wasn't us, it was them!

Look, it's not like there isn't a lifetime of interesting and intelligent discourse going on on this very site, is it? I have to tell you, I also belong to a copywriters' forum, and oh my goodness they don't half rate themselves. But when it comes to content, form, meaning and communication, AC has every one of those cocky little so-and-sos licked. Empty shells? Not a bit of it. What we are is living under permanent fire.

Oh. And now I've realised I'm looking at page one of this thread and there are another 24 posts to read. Eheu! Which is Latin for 'alas.' Only took me 90 seconds to bring it to mind… See? We're doing fine :/

Countrymouse- thank u for your wisdom it feels really good to know that there are others who understand.

Ive been in jail and its a nice break compared to being a health care provider. I had my own cell, day room, recreation, didn't have to cook, or clean and was not yelled at.Jail is better, you have greater peace there.

All of u my forum peeps ..thank u .. I've been had enough after 4 years . my life is not mine. I'm tired of processing my mothers life, home, finances. And all problems . Its not my life its hers. My niece picked her up till Monday. Thank GOD some mental peace. Blessings ..

Kazzaa I feel your pain. I have not seen my brothers for months. There both divorced they both have one daughter. I have two sons. My fiancee has been there for my sons my ex husband a alcoholic. When my beloved father died in 02 my life changed my dad was the best. And a great father and grandfather. But he always said my firefighter brother moved to Alta Dena so he would be away and never help do anything. We live in Los Angeles. And he had not seen my dad weeks before he died. And when he passed away he acted the most devastated. Again he didn't help do anything but he went to all our family and friends to be consoled.truely he is one self serving jerk. He has no ideal of my mother's horrible mind. But he knows how the elderly act he worked in the Fairfax district EMT for years. So my mother accused my son of stealing 600 for two weeks. She obliviously found it after writing me notes and staying up all night. But she didn't tell anyone. After all that hell. Now she still saying my sons girlfriend stole her skirt and NOW a blouse. And she wants a restraining order on her. Damn the poor girl lost her mother march 1 2014 to cancer she was 47 . her dad is in jail she is taking nursing classes. For years she the ONLY one who helps me cook and clean for the holidays and my mother wants her to stay away. Smh.. But today is a good day my mom is in the valley. I take one day at a time. We are all comfortable and relaxed. Blessings to all.

No kazzaa she would never go AL my niece who is a LVN would move in if I left with her two destructive little boys they are horrible and or my older brother who would stay here not pay no money borrow her money and NOT fix anything... .and its hadenoughs pain I'm feeling.. Blessings.

Baxterri, so many times I had to take it one day at a time. Glad you are getting a small break today. I have said it before and will say it again "siblings suck!"

They do suck, I have to admit. I usually don't feel so bad about my siblings, but there are times. This morning I woke up feeling the stress of Mom's recent decline. And I think about my nearby brother going camping and dancing, having so much fun. And I wonder don't they even care that Mom is dying of Alzheimer's here. And I thought of Nero fiddling while Rome burned.

Later I felt better about it. I wouldn't want them around me anyway. Somewhere along the way they lost their heart cells. I'd rather lose brain cells than heart cells.

Let's face it, we'll never be the Waltons here. :)

Oh The Waltons - used to love that show. Goodnight John Boy -haha.

I'm not sure about brain cells ..but d*mn I described how I feel to my son and he said mom " its called stress and despair " I feel like my emotional core is bleeding. That may sound over the top but its not. My mom came home this afternoon. I Had made a delicious dinner house clean ..anything I can do to prevent her from acting up. First thing she says is she wantsto sell her house. Really it would be like Ms Magoo living by herself. What a joke. Ad usual it pissed me off. But my niece told me every time she complained to her she shut it down by not making comments and changing the subject or just plain ignoring this 81 year old women who acts likes a grouchy ungrateful mean 95 . I'm sorry but its true.

My love and appreciation to everyone here. I am grateful to have found this site. I don't have any siblings or family that lives near by. I am caring for my two elderly parents, my 86 year old mother, diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my 84 year dad, who has vascular dementia. I am totally overwhelmed by their situation. They live, 10 minutes from me, in their home of over 52 years. My mom is constantly bulling my father. A once sweet and loving woman is now acting in ways that endanger her and my fathers' life. She controls everything,for example, the temperature setting of the thermostat was set so high their health was in jeopardy. She all so insists on sitting in the porch when it is over 90 degrees and batters my dad with negative comments until he turns the fan off. I am so concerned for their wellbeing. My dad seems to have given up fending her off and just gives in to her crazy behavior. This is truly disturbing to watch. I am more than happy to be the buffer when I am with them, which is almost every single day. However, I worry about what happens when I leave for the evening. I feel like my brain is melting. Just typing this response was difficult. I can't remember how to spell the most simple of words. I apologize if my writing seems infantile...everyone here sounds so articulate. Thanks for listening.

lap1962, welcome to the "what in the world happened to my spelling?" club. I am just thankful for automatic spelling or whatever it is called, oh wait, now I remember it's called spell-check.... it took me a few seconds to remember something that should have been right at my finger tips when I was typing.

Now I have to proof-read many times over and even after I send the post to the website, later I will read it and think how I wished there was "editing" capability because I left out a word here and there.

There are times that I think I am coming down with dementia... and here my parents have just age related forgetfulness.

We should have our own club !
I had no idea so many women are going through
This. My mom has lived with me 6 1/2 years,
She is bedridden, paranoid schizophrenic, has a colostomy bag, A catheter. Gallstones, Tardive dyskinesia , and no one in the family , has given
1 hour of relief.
I have lost work days, overtime, and went through
My 401k.
I didn't date for 4 years,
My roof leaked last night during the storm,
Her wheelchair I ordered and picked up, went
Airborne from the back of the truck, the hospital
Supply gave me another one, because they
Put it in my truck, instead of laying it down
They locked the wheels and said it won't go
Anywhere, yeah right. I had to get one that reclined, because even when her belt was on
She slid out and a 2 on peg went into her buttock.
You are not alone, I understand what your going
Through, I will never be able to retire, or have
Any kind of vacation. I feel lost and alone.

By the way, mom is still with me, alert and happy :)

As my moms money ran out along with our savings I made the mistake of knowing my mom has 47 grandkids and she had the bright idea for me call my brother and step-brother and asked if the kids could pitch in 10.00 a month to help their grandmother. It took her days to talk me into it so when I called each and told them I knew what my kids would do but not knowing each persons struggles I had no idea who could or would do this. They took it as I was saying my kids were better and the sh*t hit the fan. I was accused of spending all her money. Wanted me investigated, called every name in the book and two of my nephews actually came and beat the crap out of my partner to the point he had to go to the hospital. All that said, he was already disabled. We have our own home, we didn't need hers. I'm fully employed but mom goes over budget anywhere from 400-600 a month. This and keeping up her home, buying all the food, paying the utilities, paying for a sitter when she goes over budget and we are the leaches for taking care of my step-dad for two years until he passed and now mom for over four years. I wouldn't accept a dime from any of them. I keep trying to find ways to cut back, my partner is looking for a night job that will hire him with a messed up knee. It's been a year before my brother and I could talk much less be kind. I speak to one niece and the rest don't call her and the few that do once in a great while, always hits the time she is asleep. If I had to do it over I would had told them to move in with us or get a full time sitter even though I feel blessed to have had this time with them both, I'm passed burn out, my partner and I have no life together, I feel on edge all the time from lack of sleep, money woes....so hadenough, I hope you have better luck with your siblings. I use to cry over pretty much losing all of my family but his family and my children but they way they have treated him and I after giving up so much I don't look at it like that anymore. If they were real family they and gave a crap they would step up and help. I even had to get off Facebbok because of the constant drama they would post or send me now all I have is work, more work when I get home, an occasional movie at home with my partner when mom is napping and I'm past burn out. Now I'm using this site as a counseling tool to vent and for advice and many post have been very useful. Pray for you all, it's more tough to be a caregiver than anyone but the ones that have or still doing understand.

What is with the elderly and the thermostat? My Mother who had air conditioning and could afford it would sit in the house in the heat and refuse to turn on the air. When we would sneak and turn it on she was on us in a heart beat "why are you wasting money?" Ugg - I explained to her that heat is a killer for the elderly, turn on the frigin air when it reaches 86 in the house - it is not going to break the bank. Oh the depression and what it did to that generations brains.

hadenough, I agree, there were great lessons learned from the Great Depression, and also points of being way too cautious when it comes to opening up one's wallet to makes one's life a tad more comfortable especially when one can easily afford it.

That darn thermostat at my parent's home.... it is 10-15 degrees higher than mine here at home. But then again, my Mom always feels chilled because of her thyroid condition plus she is very thin. Saw my parents this afternoon, Mom was wearing a thermo undershirt, a polo shirt, and a long sleeve cardigan, long pants, etc. Dad, easy to describe what he's wearing - walking shorts, and that's it. Mom wins when it comes to the battle of the temps.

When it is that hot, my brain starts to fry... maybe it's that heat that has caused me to start losing from of my own memory :0

Hannel9 " Sister Mary Francis! 4 the love of GOD. I'm praying for u. I'm sending hugs and good thoughts your way. U deserve a break a vacation and love. I know GOD has a blessing for you . just like the story of Joseph. I may be a little corny but it keeps me positive and alive..blessings

I relate. Truly, I feel like my brain is turning to oatmeal. I knew I was in trouble once "The Bachelor" became interesting TV. Bye bye brain cells! No one I know would admit to watching the Bachelorette, much less actually liking it (and yes, poor Nick really didn't deserve that, and the scene Claire and the raccoon on BIP was awesome).
What's that quote about television providing artificial friends and relatives to lonely people? =)
I've got to read something, listen to Terry Gross or watch Charlie Rose just to feel halfway human again.
Maybe when things calm down, I'd like to take an online class from one of the universities. There are so many opportunities to do that for free now, it's amazing.
I too have run out of things to say in social situations. I've also gained 20 lbs being here and don't feel very confident to go out. My friends are not here, but when I talk to them, they are leading amazing, adventurous lives (truly) and I really don't have much to add to the conversation.
However, I'm not in a 24 hour care situation, just more of a helper as she has gotten older and frail and dependent. I've gotten into a rut and just often don't have the energy to leave and engage elsewhere, so I just sit here and keep driving her to her appointments. My friends are out of state so I am having to rebuild which takes a lot of energy - and I just don't have it to go be social because mom takes a lot of energy too. So some of this is my fault - most of it really - for not getting out and building a life. This town is also very blah, not much here that is interesting or stylish, but that's really an excuse. I did go out of town for a few days recently and felt incredibly guilty leaving mom here to be lonely - but after a few days i felt like my old self again, happy. I am going to refocus on getting myself more of a life to be able to have something to balance this. Also, if mom passes at some point, I will have no support system here and that's not good.

I would have to say that this situation is 75% my fault. I can't control the situation, that I have to be here, and I do resent the situation having someone be dependent on me (never had children) but it is such that I do have some control over what I do on my own while here. I just let this dependence suck out my energy, then all I have left is to watch the Bachelor and go back to bed.

trapped123, I am doing the same thing.... OMG, it was only a year ago I was deep into politics, debating people left and right [pun included] and now I am searching on TV the reruns of "Adam-12" and "Emergency", and hoping "Hoarding: Buried Alive" is on somewhere. Things that are easy to watch where I don't really need to think.

Working has saved my sanity, as there are interesting people that come into the office.... but most of my conversations still seem to revolve around my parents' doctors.... my good friends have crawled back into the woodwork because they cannot relate :0

I'm watching a lot of old tv reruns, but I am selective. I like old westerns...did you know you can still see Hopalong Cassidy, Rin Tin Tin, The Cisco Kid, and even older stuff? I also watch old Criminal Minds and Law & Order. I watch new shows too but I have yet to stoop so low as The Bachelor(ette).

Trapped, what terrified the life out of me was reading one of those hilarious little old lady mail order catalogues - you know, with the back ache belts and the copper bracelets (although I can hear my Great Aunt Vi saying 'they really do work, you know!') and the ear hoovers and the Most Comfortable Shoes You Will Ever Wear and catching myself thinking "oo that's interesting - " HEEEEEELLLLLPPPP!!!!

So the question is: how much is the effect of caregiving/being around old people, and how much is, gulp, the effect of, er, just getting older..?

Countrymouse, I am doing the same thing with mature clothing catalogs.... good heavens, I am trying to decide which elastic band blue jeans to get next. I told my sig other if he sees me wearing a knit top that has a basket of kittens on it, it's time to sit me down for a serious talk :0 [no offense to those who love animals on knit shirts, but that has never been my style].

Oops, it just dawned on me I am typing on a "Keys U see" computer keyboard from one of those independent care catalogs... yellow keys with large black lettering. I bought it for myself last year :P

lol, I noticed online a few days ago a store that had stuff that I could actually wear, and I decided it wasn't "quite Chico's" but getting there! I'm not ready for Chico's yet! I mostly need business casual, with the emphasis on casual.
As for shoes, I'm such a fuddy duddy now. I'll wear running shoes with everything, and I don't even care how it looks. Can't remember the last time I wore heels, except that it was so painful!
And socially -- I much prefer zoning out to cooking shoes or forensics/mystery type shows, than getting together with people. And I like posting here! :) I'm an introvert anyway. Which isn't really a bad thing -- to enjoy solitude is wonderful. But socializing with people just wears me out. I have no attention span or patience. I just hid the postings of several fb friends this week too. Felt good (evil laugh...) ;)

I'm starting on the little old lady catalogs too. Now, my Mom's favorite store is Draper & Damon's. They have one near us, so we go quite often. The nice thing about shopping there is that they have comfortable chairs to sit in if either of us get tired. The other nice thing is Mom always buys something for me while we're shopping, and they have these great, no wrinkle overshirts (I refuse to iron), so I now have a collection of wrinkle free shirts! They come out of the dryer looking freshly ironed. It may be an old lady store, but they have ONE thing I like LOL

Hilarious...
I see an ugly Christmas sweater and a fruitcake in all your futures.
Basket of kittens.. rofl! And let's not forget the fake ceramic garden animals and ornaments. Although I will forever be loyal to the Travelocity gnome. And pink flamingos are the bomb.

LOL my sig other grade school age grandchildren are already giving me oven mitts and tea towels for Christmas and birthdays.... but then again, they are giving him "World Greatest Grandpa" t-shirts and baseball caps which he hides in his closet :P Oh my gosh, do we look THAT old !!

looloo, I don't think I have put on a pair of heels in a couple of years... give me the comfort of my SAS brand shoes... one style I call my "nun shoes", I can wear them all day :)

OK I never thought that I would ever watch The Bachelor yet alone love it - but I do. I watch cooking shoes, reality TV and old movies. Stuff you do not have to think about. Bachelor in Paradise - cannot get enough and I am ashamed to tell people that I look forward to Monday nights- haha.