I haventt seen her in 13 years. She abandoned me at age 2, returned abandoned me again at age six until i was 15.I had no memory of her wanted to meet her.She brought me 1000miles away from home, to later throw me on the streets where i finally grew up. In my twenties, she sobered up,went to nursing school, married a nice man..we developed a friendly almosttclose relationship/I know she has mental issues, and had alchol problems.Now she shows up out of the blue sorry for the past and wantimg me to take care of her. She was drinking and got severely burned in a fire by a candle. Shes very disfigured, very disabled...the once very beautiful woman is gone. She drinks less now but she smokes almost two packs of cigarettes a day.She also believes shes a psychic/.Im angry with her/ IMy father just died in February, andi m stillgrieving.he was a good and kind man.. I really wished she had never shown getting a lot of pressure from my siblings who wont help.Shes begging me not to leave her at my sisters {she is livimg on,my sisters couch!} and cries saying she is sorry she is going to die.I myself married a very abusive man at ayoung age,17...and after 13 yearsi left and raised our five children alone.In my 30s i suffered from drug and alchol problems myself for nearly two years until counseling and therapy helped me turned my life around..I am not married but very close with all my children who all live very close by.One is a police officer and two others are school teachers.My youngest daughter is a military wife. My 18 year old son is still at home starting college this fall. She was not there for me, I did it alone.She even ruined my relationship with my father which took many years to repair..She has other children through multiple marriages she calls my brothers and sisters bu ti barely even know them.My half sister called me and started blaming me for leaving her to be sexually abused by mothers boyfriend, and I I could only tell her the last time I saw her I
?was 15 , mom threw me out on the street and she was just an infant I only saw my sister twice on brief visits during her childhood and I would not know her today if I passed her in a grocery store..Am i obligated to help my mother in any way?i I feel guilty but i am ashamed of her.Her drinking,her heavy smokimg,herpersonal appearance and hermental issues bAlso she got a DUI 5 years ago and has not been sentenced due to her health. So she wants to do housearrestat myhome, and also help her find a car she can put a breathalyzer in, though i dont see how she will ever drive. yes she comes with all these added responsibilities She has SSI andwould contribute financially, and shes promised to smoke outside, and curb her drinking, (which she has done) .. After years of doing well I feel like I need to return to therapy and start at step one.Damned if i do, damned if I dont., Im afraid im going to hate the very sight of her very quickly.I hate her for showing up. My best friend was adopted and just reunited with her mother last year.Sye founda lovingwonderful woman.Shes been to new mexico twice to visit and loved it. Im soo happy for my friend,but it makes me feel even more bitter and resentful/

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grace, I read what you wrote several times, looking for a trace of hope that your mother living with you would be a good idea. I couldn't find anything. I feel sorry for your mother, because she has gotten herself into a bad place in life. It isn't your place to bail her out. I can tell that it would make your life miserable and drive a bigger wedge between you. I am very skeptical of an alcoholic curbing their drinking without outside support. They might tone it down just long enough to get by, but then go back to it. Does she have an AA sponsor?

I agree with everyone else. Don't do it. It's inviting trouble into your home. You've had enough trouble already and have worked through it. No reason to invite it back in.

In the name of all that is holy, do not let this woman into your home. She needs the care of professionals. As Jeanne says, you are not only not obligated, you are putting your mental health in the crosshairs by even considering caring for her in your home. It would appear that she is attempting to avoid the care of professionals (who will enforce no drinking/no smoking) because she's sure she can play you. Don't do it!

Jeanne said it all. And I agree with everything she said.

Do not find yourself living with your mother. Based on what you wrote this situation has the potential to ruin your life and sounds like you've come so far. Don't do it. Please.

Do as Jeanne suggested. Find professionals who can help point your mom in the right direction but do not assume responsibility for her. If she moves in it will be YOU who will be on house arrest for the rest of HER life.

I am going to quote from one of my favorite therapist authors, Pauline Boss. In a book for caregivers she is addressing the situation similar to yours:

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
"with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."

You do not deserve for her to come into your life and cause you great distress once again. You do not deserve to feel guilt and anguish over this situation.

Do NOT even consider having under house arrest at your house. Do NOT let her move in with you permanently. That way lies madness. (There are plenty of stories on here of caregivers who did that and deeply regret it!)

Do not completely abandon her. That will lead to bad feelings and unearned guilt. You don't need that.

My suggestion is to get a professional involved. Does she now have a case worker, parole officer, any kind of link to services? If so, start with that person. If not, start by calling the social services department of the county she lives in (your sister's couch?). Ask for a needs assessment. Let the professionals sort out what she needs and what she is eligible for. This will take some effort on your part. It will take your time. When Mother is finally settled somewhere, you may need to follow up with the professionals to see that she continues to get good care. It will be hard work, but you can hold your head up that you are taking the high road and being compassionate.

You did absolutely nothing to deserve the kind of mother you got. I am very happy for your friend who got to know her birth mother. I have known other cases with that kind of happy outcome. But your story clearly demonstrates that some cases have dream endings and others are nightmares. This is definitely Not Your Fault.

Do go back to therapy if it will help you get through this crazy situation thrust at you. You deserve all the support you can get!

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