Long distance Power of Attorney and endorsing checks...


A branch of parents' bank near where I live will not allow me to use my power of attorney to endorse a federal tax refund check made out to my parents so it can be deposited into my parents account. It came to my address because I'm handling all their tax returns, etc. How can I get this check deposited into their account?

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Crystalmpn … I found this discussion while searching for guidance online after a particularly rough few weeks. You see, I have a mother much like yours. I am the oldest daughter and POA, and do not want to be either to such a abusive woman. She was terrible during my childhood, and is even worse now that she is 85 and with dementia.

Like yours, my mother tells everyone that everything in her life she is not happy with is my fault. Despite the fact that I take care of 100% of her financial, medical decisions, and other needs. She was recently put into memory care for dementia, and is busy calling lawyers and state elder agencies to get out.

I continue taking care of her only because no one else will, and if I give up there will be no one on her side. But, it is very difficult.

What has helped me is to have an excellent elder affairs attorney to help me. According to the attorney, I can override my mother's wishes because of the POA assigned to me and the fact my mother has serious dementia. So, I do a lot of foot stomping, so to speak, at doctors and agencies that my mother has given instructions to.

It takes a great deal of strength… to stand up to a mother like this (for her own good), and to stand up to all the people/agencies involved. And, we are stronger than we think, because we have survived having a mother like this! But, if you need to have some relief, it is okay to step back and let things happen on their own. Just take care of her bills and oversee what you can, like major medical decisions. Or, whatever feels good for you. We cannot change our mothers, or control what they do or the situation they are put in (by being such cruel persons).

Do what it is in your heart to do, and to the best of your ability. But, don't let her or the other people/agencies drive you crazy. Your own health and sanity, your own family is more important than taking care of an abusive woman.

People will read this and think I am insensitive, but I don't care what anyone thinks. My husband and I work very hard, hours every week, to take care of this woman who birthed me, and receive nothing but nastiness and grief from her. For me, this is the right thing to do. I have had 12 years of mental health counseling (about my childhood). still have flashbacks, and am slowly learning to stay emotionally distant. I do the work for her benefit and don't expect gratitude.

My only advice would be to take a few days away from her and her affairs, let yourself relax. Then, decide what is the best for you, your health, and your family. Whatever you decide is okay.

I located a place for my mother that is safe nice and will allow her little dog with her. My brother (long distance) is in agreement with the change.

I made all the arrangements signed the lease as POA for her. The only thing that bothers me is that she has told every one - and evidently all her church members that we have not been taking care of her and are starving her. Altho I am not a member of "their church" where is any consideration for what we are and have been going thru ? No one asked us anything.

I realize I can do nothing about the things she says but why inthe wrold would an outsider believe an 85 year old women that is oxygen deprived-she has lived with us since 1997 - would n't she have starved before now ?
I see where the Bi Polar - her campaign to discredit us- but that any rational person believes her without checking - really if you thing it is that bad- why hasn't someone called social services ?

She has some of them arranging to move her - as soon as I finish with the paper work. Where were these helpful people all the years before when I needed someone help with her so I could have a normal family life > I had 4 children and a husband - all who needed me- and I was always busy with her appointments- numerous drs. hospital stays - and her ever weekly hair appointment.

I at least get to vent here- No one but her immediate family that lives with her knows the person she really is, I feel used by her and embarassed by what others choose to believe.

re the Dept of Health and Welfare - in our case, it was in a New England state in a big enough town that it has its own department. If the town were smaller, it may be by county, check Google for your area.

I had no idea what I was doing - I didn't even think to contact elder services, but now that I consider it, would they have sided with my mother and father?

I told the social worker the story and she told me how it would move forward from there. If your mother needs a site visit, you can be assured they will show up and won't reveal who called. Senior citizens and the disabled, as well as children, are governed by a different set of laws than able-bodied people.

The welfare dept helped me coordinate with the EMTs that if 911 were called to their apartment (which in our case was already WEEKLY) the EMTs were instructed to take BOTH my parents to the hospital for custodial care -- which did happen within 48 hrs. Once in the hospital, the case worker had to be hunted down to help us organize placement in a nursing home. Some of what I had to do may be overkill but if you need these services, they are out there!!!!

I think we are all agreed, these are long and hard days.....

someone mentioned the department of health and welfare- does any one have any information that I can be referred to for some help in a situation like this.

I tried to talk to one of the newly concerned visitors and because I am not of my moms religion and theirs- their only comment was that she was a fine christian woman and if she had any concerns- money poa etc was that one of thier elders or church members should have a meeting with us to address her concerns.

Sorry but my reply was - no I think her family-that truly know her and this situation should handle this- my brother , children, and if I could find my sister. My sister never has any contact with her - she maintains she was abused and as soon as she left home never had any contact with her. In retrospect maybe that was what I should have done.

crystalmpn ,

Hold on. It is horrible that your mother is abusive. I'm probably sounding like a broken record on this site, but from your description she sounds like a borderline queen with a lot of witch in her. This description comes from the book, Understanding the Borderline Mom. Such people are perfect actresses and can keep up a front with everyone on the outside basically 24/7 for they know how to 'act normal' However, with those intimate family members they will unleash all the power of hell and Darth Vader Combined!

It is not a horrible thing to say what kind of person your mother is. Hey, Jesus and Paul said some horrible things about people who were horrible also.

Also, what you say about not wanting to have anything to do with her is not unchristian. It is a real and valid emotion, plus understandable given the invalidating, abusive experience you and others have had and continue to have with her. She's sick! You didn't make her that way. You can't fix how she is or how she has been. Nor can you control how mean a personality she has. Before we even had the diagnosis borderline personality disorder, we just called such people plain mean. The best thing you and your bother can do is get on a healthy path yourselves regardless of what she does or does not do. She's running a distortion campaign against you and it just might work. I think you need to google borderline and distortion campaign. You will find some helpful articles on this subject. Good luck.

I know it is horrible to say - but she has been so mean to the ones that have lived with her that none of us want anything to do with her.

I know in my heart that is not the christian thing to say

I know it is horrible to say - but she has been so mean to the ones that have lived with her that none of us want anything to do with her.

I know in my heart that is not the christian thing to say

I'm just really embarrased and I can't take one moment back - just wish I had realized this years ago. Mom says she isn't sorry about anything and she is a good christian woman. God help me never to be that kind of "christian woman" - I wanted to be kind -make a difference and help her - regardless of her abuse in my first 20 years- I feel I have just allowed more abuse in my life by trying to help her.

You are not alone. I have been following your story and the comments people are posting. You have no idea how many people are living this same experience.

My parents told their neighbors we were estranged but like I posted before, once we started to explain the story to the neighbors (we also called the dept of health and welfare who immediately knew we were telling the truth), the floodgates opened, and they were "on our side" so to speak.

If you can communicate to one of these people, they will ALL follow suit.

Sometimes retiree neighbors have so little going on, they look for any gossip to fuel their day and make things interesting. Your mother, like our parents, and their "rotten kids" have been something for all these lonely retirees to focus on and gossip about. They RELISHED their discussions about my parents and continue to to this day. Some have my email address and ask for updates, admitting they want to tell everyone over coffee.

So give them more fodder, but the TRUE side of the story- the fact that you have struggled to be a good daughter and are at your wit's end. Sure you will be fodder for their gossip grist mill, but for positive reasons. As soon as your mother sees they are no longer buying into her demonizing of her own children she will either shut her yap when trying to malign you, or she will find herself totally ostracized. The people we got on our side spread the truth like wildfire, and it dawned on everyone VERY EASILY that our parents were the ones with the problem, not their children.

Also, I assure you, the neighborly people WILL see the truth because there is no doubt she has exhibited her true personality to at least ONE of these people - no one is a great actress 24/7, 365 plus 1. My parents unleashed on one person so when we came along and told our side of things, the neighbors did believe us because of what some of them had lived through but put it down to my parents having "a bad day". And once an enabler is exposed, they tend to go totally the other way. All of the neighbors even volunteered to appear in court if we needed them to make sure my parents didn't live independently again, nor drive.

FYI, my parents now demonize us to the nursing home staff, who seem to have caught on very quickly. It's only untrained "civilians" who fall for this baloney, that and opportunistic lawyers. I'm glad you have a lawyer in the family but like you say, at this point it is not about the money. It's about the fact that being a good daughter never touched a hardened woman's heart. And that's not your fault, just like it wasn't mine/my brothers'. My parents' legacy is one of never being there for anyone. I for one have no plan to leave that kind of legacy behind me, and I'm certain you won't, either.

An up date -I have checked on an apartment for my mother- and am in the process of securing the lease - transferring oxygen , cable lights etc. My brother and I are in agreement and are trying our best to coordinate her care. However mother is telling anyone that will listen - out of state relatives. nurses that come to the house , and church members that do not know the entire situation that we are treating her badly.

Every day I have a parade of people coming to my house and not one of them has ever asked me or the ones that have tried to take care of her what is going on.

I think given her abusive past to her children that she is enjoying this situation. I am mortified by what she is doing and saying.

I have only one more day then I will not be able to secure the living arrangements that really wold be better for all of us. She is still under the mistaken impression that she will get help from the government -and that the church friends are going to take care of her.

My brother (who is an attorney ) and i are both at our wits end trying to do the best we can and she is fighting us every step of the way.

I don't want her POA -nor her money -maybe $70,000 left-never did - all I wanted was a mother that loved me-she is still stabbing me in the back_

I know it is horrible to say - but she has been so mean to the ones that have lived with her that none of us want anything to do with her.

I know in my heart that is not the christian thing to say - but how much abuse mental, physical and verbal do you have to take .

We have a similar experience in our family. My bro has POA for my dad, I have it for my mother. I no longer even want POA but have to do so for her safety and will try to suck up the abuse. My brother is on the verge of total breakdown because of being responsible for my father.

Also, as a sidebar, my parents' neighbors were very similar to those listed above. They finally realized they were being used as doormats. We were able to introduce ourselves to these "helpers" w/o my parents' knowledge and once they realized how their good will had been exploited, they were getting in line to help US get my parents the LICENSED PROFESSIONAL care they needed

There can be hope. It's all in how you go to these people, maybe tell them how grateful you are for their assisting you with your mother who is failing. Consider the legal ramifications for the elderly person AND the neighbors. Either party could open themselves up to a lawsuit if there is an injury as a result of non-professional assistance.

Bank employee is wrong.
ANybody can make a deposit to an account, it does not have to be the account holder. If they are withdrawing then that's different. But you are just making a deposit. Deposits once endorsed are "blind" items and must be processed as presented. This is a federal code.
If they are just continue to be a PIA get employee's name and send a complaint to the Director of HR @ the Bank. Most new bank employee's
who mann the tellers are better suited to working at WalMart - the hiring standards are low as is the pay scale.
You can also run it through night deposit or drive-thru.

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