1. Don’t feel guilty. You did the best you could with what you knew under the circumstances at that time.
2. It’s OK and normal to feel deeply profoundly sad at your loss. Those feelings can come and go. They can creep up on you suddenly and make you cry in the middle of something else. All of that is normal.
3. Talk about your loved one with anyone you are comfortable talking to. Talk about them a lot.
4. When you talk about how they died, sanitize it. It will be more comforting to the people who loved them and who love you. For the people you weren’t close with, it’s none of their business anyway.
5. Don’t be greedy, but don’t be shy about asking for things that were promised to you or that would be meaningful to you.
6. Be respectful to other family members and expect that in return.
7. Remember that you cannot win a fight with a stupid person. Just smile and nod, and do what you have to do.
8. If other people want to do things for you, let them.
9. Share the work and responsibility with other close relatives and friends. This is their way of connecting with your loved one also.
10. Mourn. Mourn the loss of your loved one. Mourn the changes in your own life. If you have family or religious customs, use them for comfort and support. If you do not, go online, look things up and find a structured way to mourn and build a support system for yourself.
11. Eat healthy meals. Get good quality sleep at night. Give yourself at least a week before you try to go back to your normal routine. You may think it’s easier to bury yourself in work and other activities, but you need to give your head and your heart and your body a chance to process your loved ones death.
12. It’s not wrong to laugh. Sometimes memories and images are funny.
13. It’s not wrong to feel relief from a burden of caregiving. It’s not wrong to feel that your loved one has been relieved from their burden of suffering.
14. Anyone who is trying to tell you what you are supposed to think and feel is wrong. They might even be stupid. (See number seven.)
15. The person you loved also loved you. They want you to be happy. They want you to have a good life.
16. There is always a lot of work to be done after someone dies. If you don’t know what to do, ask. If you don’t know how to do it, ask for help. Don’t be afraid and don’t procrastinate. Those chores are also a part of caregiving. They are closure.
17. Remember, death is a part of life. Our feelings about death are individual. They reflect your love, your loss, your angst, your needs and your ability to live.
Wonderful posting!
Your list is a wonderful resource. I found myself nodding at every point, right to last one "Death is a part of life". I agree. It helps to think of all of this a part of the natural cycle. Thankyou.
I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your great advice!
My mother is also 96...I cared for her in our home for many years. She is now in SNF close by the house. I still do a lot for her...clean her denture and re paste it because she won't let anyone else do it. Accompanied her to the hair salon within the facility...because she'd probably refuse it if I weren't there. Tell the beautician what I wanted for her. I take her outside on nice days, which I could no longer do in the house since the Aide said it was now too risky in the transfer from wheelchair to stairlift chair. My mother has days when she refuses everything: drink, meds and food, even a blood test. If she doesn't get the medicine into her, she will refuse everything.
Again, my condolences to you. Hugs.
Thank you so much for your wisdom, as always. ((((Hugs))))