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That's my new motto. "A life was sacrificed, so that another could have a life". My father died when I was 15 years old and that dictated the path that my life would take. My life long duty was to care for my mother. Here I am at 54 years of age and I am still doing it. I never married and have lived with my mother all my life. It was not bad when my mother was younger, but now I cannot do anything. My mother does not want me out of her sight. She is 88 years old and in not good health. I get no help from my sisters. As a matter of fact, I recently "told off" my oldest sister for not helping. She is retired and took on another job and claims she has no free time, even though she is off on weekends. I had to quit my job to care for my mother. I told my sister that she should have quit working and let me continue to work. Her answer was that I could have put my mother in a home......this coming from my sister who has said she fears ending up in a rest home when she gets older, but it's okay for her to say to put our mother in a home. I told her when my mother dies that I will never have anything to do with her again. My sister sees how my life is.....the 24/7 servitude to my mother and I get no help. I get no breaks. No one will help on a weekend to let me get some fresh air. I have told my mother when I die....I will probably become a saint for all that I go through and all that I have done. I told my mother that I have given up my life....so that she could have a life. She does not care about my life.....as long as I was there for her all those years is all that she wanted. Whats happens to me in the end? I've sacrificed so much. Is this fair to me?

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Roscoe888, I am very sympathetic to the state of burnout you are in. Caregiving might not be the hardest job in the world, but I sure can't think of what might be harder!

I know that caregiving is genuinely hard physically and emotionally. It is not hard just because of your attitude. But I do want to comment on your attitude:

"I had to quit my job to care for my mother." -- Why did you "have to"? I don't mean why did she have to have care, I mean why did you have to personally provide it? Did you investigate getting some in-home care so that you could continue to work? Did you consider care center options? Is Mom eligible for any aid programs?

"My mother does not want me out of her sight." And why do you think it is your responsibility to give Mother everything she wants? Isn't what YOU want important, too? You do not want to be continuously within her sight. So why aren't you respecting what you want? Why does it always have to be what Mother wants? You are 54 and she is 88 -- your relationship should be adult-to-adult.

You feel like you've sacrificed your life so that another could have a life. Why did you do that? Your mother's life is important and valuable. But isn't your life important and valuable, too? What justifies sacrificing your life for hers?

Your oldest sister made a choice. She is in charge of her actions. You, too could have -- and still can -- make a choice. The only behavior you can control is your own. Telling your sister she should quit her job, and telling your mother that you have given up your life gets you nowhere.

You may live another 40 years or more. What could you be doing now to help ensure those years will be fulfilling for you (as you deserve!)? 24/7 servitude doesn't allow for much preparation for the future, does it?

So instead of blaming your sisters or complaining to your mother, what steps can you take right now to change that servitude status? You do not "have to" continue to devote 24/7 to your mother's care. Really. If you choose to do it, that is fine. But then acknowledge it is your choice.

It is too bad your sisters aren't helping. It is too bad your mother is not grateful. Life is not fair. But you do have some options. I urge you to start exploring how you can make your current situation better.
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I live almost the same exact life you do, other than I did marry and had one child. I wish you had one as they make a huge difference. I do not know if your mother has any money or property that is to be inherited by your or all of your siblings, but if she does, tell the siblings you are going to have to start spending it for in home care or a nursing home and you may see some help arrive!

My siblings never listened to my pleas for help. Mom was hospitalized and went crazy and they had to put her on all kinds of drugs. I was there day and night but not the siblings, they had work. As soon as I mentioned putting Mom into a home and the fact that after 7 years I cannot take it anymore, I have now just begun to get help from one of them, in the evening and some on weekends.

I know exactly where you are coming from and it sucks.....you are the sacrificial lamb.
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Roscoe,
Does Mom have any money? The only way this will ever be even sort of fair is if you are getting paid to care for her. Please set up an official caregiver agreement so that it will not interfere with her qualifying for Medicaid should that ever be needed.

I don't know about you, but I know I'm just a little bit happier to do a job if I'm being paid to do it. It makes me feel appreciated.
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I do not need any money. I am a self made millionaire (I hate to describe it that way).Yes, I quit my job although I did not need to work. It's just the principle of it all with me quitting while my much older sister who retired from her job and is now working another job won't help at all. I have a ton of money in the bank and am not flashy about it at all. We live a very average life. I am a stay at home caregiver at the mercy of my mother. I am her robot......her constant companion.......her guardian........her protector. This is how my life was "programmed". This is what my mother expects and wants. I have no life of my own. As I have said......I have sacrificed my life. I never had a desire to get married. I have too much at stake in case of a divorce. I have many chances to date or have female friends, but my mother is in control. Yes, it sounds crazy, but that's the way it is......my mother is jealous of any lady I go out with. Now you all know why I am bitter. My mother was not this bad with things when she was younger. As she got older......the worse things got.
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Roscoe, you're in this situation because you're allowing your mom to control you. Since you have the money, get some counseling to understand how to break out of this self-made prison. So your mom is unhappy if you go out. So what? Let her be mad. Let her scream or pout or whatever she does. And you continue to go about building a life independent of her.

I'm single, never married, no kids and 63. So I get all of that. I took care of my dad and mom (and now just my mom) for the past 12 years. But I've built a life with friends and will continue to do that. My mom is happy for me and I'm blessed. But even if she wasn't, I'd still do it, because I need it for my own mental health.

You're only imprisoned because you're letting your mom control you. Why? Get some counseling so you can learn how to take back control of your life. It won't be easy, but you can do it! We're here to support you.
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meh, im a self made pauper but ' forces ' placed my mom and i together for the last 6 years of her life and i feel very complete to have been there for her. we ate more pills than the original lynnerd skynnerd band. we was gellin like felons. lol..
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Wow, Roscoe! If you don't want to be under your mother's control, don't be. If you want to be, don't also claim the privilege of being bitter about your choice.

You are a millionaire, and you expect your sister to quit her job??!! Whoa!

If you truly feel helpless to get out from under mommy's control, please, please see a therapist. If that is how you were programmed, that is sad. You deserve some help getting deprogrammed. You should be happy that your sister escaped this programming, not trying to impose it on her.

Why don't you just hire some in-home care, so you can count on going out for fresh air? It is REALLY hard to understand your problem and your bitterness.
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Wow indeed! I think you definitely need to see a counselor. It appears to me that you think everyone is trying to "rip you off".. Don't use your money to get home Mom in a skilled nursing home, she probably qualifies on her own.

I feel I'm speaking for everyone on this site when I say, it's hard to sympathize with you when you have many other options. You're the one choosing not to seek them..

Enough said: I'm getting pissed off...
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Dear Roscoe,
I hear you, I am surprised at the response of people on this forum that prides itself on being non judgmental. It seems that does not apply to millionaires and that you have “started pissing people off”.

Being overwhelmed is not exclusively for the poor. I agree with the prior posts that you may be well served to see a therapist. You sound overwhelmed and depressed. There are plenty of filthy rich celebrities that end their own enviable fantasy lives, this is testimony that feelings are no less real because of the size of your bank account.

If you are financially secure, do not expect your sister to risk her security by quitting her job, having said that that is no excuse for your sister not to relieve you on some of her off hours, or to be involved in her mom’s care, at least emotionally.

You need some time to yourself, whether sis sits in for you, or you use mom’s money for respite care. The first thing you need to schedule is a consultation with a therapist, and then schedule ongoing visits for your mental health care.

The second thing you need to schedule is some personal time, even if you do not know what to do with it. Take 4 hours a week, to start. Go to the mall, go to the spa, lunch or dinner with a friend you have lost touch with. Even if you do not have plans, take your time, you will eventually redefine a slice of your life.

As a self made millionaire, I think you must have a good set of skills to draw on. Lazy wussies do not become self made millionaires – so I suspect you have a strong work ethic and inner strength. You may have lost yourself in the situation. You may have made choices of caring for mom over seeking your own family, or perhaps love did not find you. I know a few ladies that sought family from their 20s to their 50s and in somehow eluded them. I for one did not find love until my 40s.

You are not worried about money, which I celebrate, but remember, you also do not have children, so your funds need to provide for your long term care – make sure you are looking out after your own old age.

Each of us has different blessings; looks, strength, intellect, wealth, children, friends, supportive spouse, etc. Identify your strengths and rebuild your life on them. The only thing worse than being upset about sacrificing your past, is to give up on your future.

Regardless of what mom or other family members say you deserve and will need to take personal time.

I always say money does not buy happiness, but it affords you possibilities to deal with problems. Money can buy therapy, respite and trips to look forward to. Start investing in your future.


Best wishes to you.
LS
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How are self made millionaires made? I would really like to know the secret.'I can't tell you how many times that I have thought is I had the money I would bring in all the help mom needs at my expense. Then maybe the sibling relationships could return to as they once were, which wasn't strong, always somewhat dysfunctional. Instead I have given up work, completed a master's degree on student loans to try to make myself more marketable, and caring for mom for more than two years now, all to benefit self-centered siblings that are more concerned about inheritance than the sister doing everything and on the brink of losing everything.

Pardon my cynicism, but please tell me how to be a self made millionaire when thus job is over.
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Roscoe, I looked up your profile and your activity history. It gave me a very good insight to your problem. Many have already said it...you need therapy!!!!! Good luck !!
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And I need therapy and cannot afford it.
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I hear ya Glad. We all need therapy, in one way or another. Money is the biggest issue most of us care givers face. Money can solve a lot of our problems, ESPECIALLY Respite and mental health issues. I am blessed with a generous, loving, VERY successful brother. I often see situations on here that I don't face because of HIS money and count that blessing daily. He appreciates all I do for Mom and thanks me often for saving him the huge expense of NH care, while giving Mom a daily wonderful quality of life. He loves me and Momma and will pay any price for our happiness. His money can't take the diseases away, but it sure helps in so many ways. I pray for all you selfless caregivers. Our Job is hard enough without the worry and stress over money. I have lived in near poverty all my life, so I feel extra blessed to be able to care for Mom without that money stress I have always carried in my gut. When I get "cranky" this site always reminds me how blessed I am.
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PS. He is a successful LAWYER, so legal issues so many of you face is never an issue for us. Another blessing. God bless you all that do what we do and have to deal with those issues as well. I pray for you all daily. I really do understand.
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NOBODY is in the position you are in without PUTTING themselves in the position! Hire help and GET OUT if you have so much money!
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Gladimhere,
There is an old book, that has been updated and turned into a franchise. It offers great insight, The Millionaire Next Door. They state 80% of millionaires are first generation wealthy, not trust babies. It is an easy and interesting read that does offer a roadmap of sorts. If you are serious about exploring the subject, it is worth checking out.
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I feel your pain. I don't know your background or your values but I know many belief systems and families reinforce the idea that personal/self sacrifice is 'good' and focusing on our own needs is 'selfish'.

However, it is also true that we are told to put the oxygen mask on our own face on an airplane flight before helping even a child. Interesting. After a certain point, the quality of care one can give is diminished if we ourselves are burnt-out.

Allowing our beliefs to evolve and change is not easy but it is sometimes necessary.

There is a season for all things and this may simply be your season for YOU.

Good luck!
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Another book I just finished (from the library) and then bought is The $100 Start-Up by Chris Guillebeau. It's not how to make a million, but gives you a lot of ideas about people who started their own businesses because of some idea/passion/need they wanted to fill. It's very inspirational. I created a caregiver-related business from scratch 6 years ago and while I'm finally in the black, I need to make more. This book has gotten me excited about a new venture I'm starting to work on. The people he profiles in his book started with nothing and are now supporting themselves. Some doing quite well. It's worth a read (from your library).
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BLAH BLAH, Sounds more like we should start a dating website or just a virtual dating website.
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Roscoe, since June you have been complaining about how terrible it is to have to take care of your mother. It is a living hell. It is torture. You have no life of your own. And you have received literally hundreds of responses validating your feelings, sympathizing with you, sharing similar stories, and giving you advice about making changes, because you deserve happiness.

Many people complain over and over, because, darn it, caregiving is a job that generates complaints and often we have no one to vent to. This is a good site to come to for that.

If what you want is to vent and you are not interested in making any changes, it would be helpful if you make that clear in your post.

Otherwise, caregivers that we all are, we want to help you. We want you to feel better. We want you to have a chance at happiness.

Please take LS's advice seriously. See a therapist. If the first appointment isn't a good fit, don't give up -- find another therapist.

Personally I want to send you a warm hug and also a kick in the pants. It is time to fish or cut bait. You want a chance at happiness? Seek professional help.
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Roscoe888-

My heart goes out to you. It seems that your mother maneuvered you into the role of husband vs helpful/supportive son when you were dependent upon her and she was unwilling to move on and build a new life after the death of her husband/or father. So sad for your family- she was the parent and misused/abuse her role and you. And as a child you could not have understood, and certainly did not have the power to “tough lover” her to move on and become a healthy, happy, fulfilled person.

A loving mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy parent would have taken ONLY reasonable support, and built a new life for her family and supported you to make your own live in which she would have been your support an a living mother and grandmother... in a perfect world yes.. in this world, not too likely when a dutiful & supportive son was on hand to be used to enable her unwillingness to move on an be a good parent.

Are you to blame. No. This is very similar to sexual abuse and just as confusing to the child. This is abuse of parental rights, responsibilities and the child. Breaking free of this may indeed seem impossible especially since it seems your sister also accepted & reinforced your role pseudo-husband, as it freed, possibly supported in making the life she chose.

Prior posts do not seem to consider love, honor thy father and thy mother, duty as ties that bind and that your post is infused with a sense of responsibility, a very strong desire to do the right thing. She has, possibly with the help of your father long before his death and your sister’s help/reinforcement, tied you up with emotional ties of love, honor, duty.

Clearly you know you that you can put her into full-time care and walk away from both of them physically.. but how to you do this and still love them & yourself and not feel that you are a bad person who is not fulfilling his duty. Reverse your question how to you take your life without denying her her own? I think that is your (full) question.

Consider this-
People suffering from Stockholm syndrome come to identify with and even care for their captors in a desperate, usually unconscious act of self-preservation. It occurs in the most psychologically traumatic situations, often hostage situations or kidnappings, and its effects usually do not end when the crisis ends. In the most classic cases, victims continue to defend and care about their captors even after they escape captivity. Symptoms of Stockholm syndrome have also been identified in the slave/master relationship, in battered-spouse cases and in members of destructive cults.

Would you ask her to do for you, as you have done and continue to do for her?
- You do not sound like you would.
Do unto others as you would have them to unto you
- would you want anyone to allow/empower/enable you to do this to your child or any other human being?
- I do not think so per your post.
Honor thy father and thy mother/thy family- absolutely!
- Honoring your parents and your family means to act honorably- if other look on, is this situation giving honor to you or to her? NO.
- Honoring your parents means acting with honor, compassion and wisdom to be a credit to yourself, your family and your community. It does not mean being a slave/doormat/hostage.
What would you advise someone else to do if they were in the same situation as you?

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.
- Your mother has not used your love & support to become a whole person, to fulfill her life and act with love, compassion and honor.
- Would you allow your child to act this way toward you or any other person, continue to support & enable it and there by approve of it and keep it going until death? I don’t think so.

Though love time.
Love her not to continue this abuse, be the loving parent vs the co-dependent one.
- If that means put her and your sister in time-out for the rest your lives – that is the bed they made..
- you have given ample opportunity for them to use your love & support with clove, wisdom & compassion..
- they chose not to..
- so now they should suffer the consequences
- and you as a loving & wise family member should allow and enable and empower their un-wise, self-serving and abusive choices
- … and go make a life for yourself not only free of those un-serving duties, but free of guilt, KNOWING in your heart and your mind that you ARE making the loving, wise and compassionate choice… not a self-serving unloving choice.
Tough love is the hardest love of all and takes the greatest love, compassion and wisdom- it is what we all receive form God 24/7/365.. and most of us resist 24/7/265! LOL.. it is human nature, most humans are “sinful, stiff-necked, willful, and disobedient (to what is right).
- So forgive them, pray for them and continue to love them
- But if they will not return your love & treat you with respect keep them in time out.
- If either changes (unlikely give their ages) then visit and communicate with them as you would anyone who treats you as they do. Accept and allow the good, find the good in the past & your very long period of testing & service and the experience & wisdom gained and BE happy.
- Use all – the good and the bad to find and fulfill your life- all is as it needs to be, you have lost nothing and have plenty of time for you.. and will make a wonderful husband for some fortunate woman if you rise to the challenges you face.
- The cream rises, sounds graceful, but it must actually be a pretty volatile chemical process… LOL.
It is indeed painful for humans to be the cream that rises, slow and painful and only by grace- so it can look graceful to others.. and does indeed bring grace to all concerned.
- The pain, the suffering, the sacrifice IS the good stuff- extract the gold & toss the dross- and embrace your spiritual, emotional, physical and financial abundance and put it to wise use… and enjoy the rewards a VERY blessed life, which you have earned the right to enjoy without guilt, and honor thy family!

Peace & happiness are in the heart- cannot be pursued or extracted from or given by others
– be happy
– be wise
Now, where you are, as you are, and work your way to the life you deserve with love, compassion, wisdom & honor and you cannot fail or do any harm to anyone.

:) LOL.. today really is the first day of the rest of your life!

The glass is neither half full or empty- it is a half a glass of water.
The question is what will you do with it… it is your life and your choice.
Choose well and be blessed.
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Roscoe, look up co-dependent relationships. You need to have some time for yourself for your own emotional health. Get out and turn off her manipulative behavior, save your own sanity. Realize that at 88 she will throw the same tantrums as a 4 year old and this will get worse if you allow it to continue.
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p.s.
The saints choose to suffer & sacrifice, did it with love, compassion, and wisdom and for love of God & His wisdom and free will to follow/fulfill His plan for their lives and to honor all concerned and to serve a higher purpose.. if you do that, then you will be blessed & happy, as you have a life filled with meaning, purpose, love and all the rewards of it.. because you choose it... and it serves/honors all concerned.

The saints fought evil with every ounce of their living, they choose to allowed themselves to be victimized when needed, allowed it with wisdom.

They were not powerless victims but powerful warriors for good, God and humanity- read about them & their lives and their works as they show the way... and cream does rise, pain really is the good stuff if used wisely.

:)
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Why did your mother need care when you were 15? Are you sure you aren't using Mom as your excuse from living? (That was the title of a lecture they gave us as first year med students, "Medicine, An Excuse From Living.")
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Roscoe, you are opening up, expressing your feelings, looking for help. This is progress. What is it you want your life to be? Can you find a good therapist? He will help you find out what you want, and how to handle your mother . You just want help to figure out this problem, therapist are good at that. Money certainly can free from much of the burden of caregiving. You are an intelligent go getter. You are a self made millionaire. Spend some of that on finding happiness. Good luck
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If you have means to hire some fulltime home help to care for your mum and take your life back what is your problem??????? Sometimes I think we use an elderly parent as an excuse to hide our own issues? Yep get some therapy and be grateful for what you have? I love my mum I want to look after her but cannot do this without a break I cannot get a break without money you have so many options and continue to let your mum control your life?? sorry I dont get it? If i had that kind of money I would be a very happy caregiver!
Am getting pissed off too!
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Coming to this thread late don't know if Roscoe is still reading. Some mothers do program their children so that even when they are adults they feel completely obligated to ensure their mother's happiness or they experience great psychological pain. It's like the adult child has electrodes installed in their brain that their mother can set off with the right phrase or even a tone of voice. That is why well meaning advice of "just do it" or "just don't do it" is mysteriously not followed. Nobody is another person's slave without a control mechanism in place. Roscoe I would encourage you to find a therapist and figure out what the control mechanism is in your case, you deserve freedom.
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Yes, some of us have been programmed by a parent whose mental health was not the best. No one can get you out of it except yourself and that takes work. The anger a person feels at a parent who enmeshes them from childhood ties them to that parent. The natural longing/hope for a good relationship tends to do the same. For me, I had recognition that this was an unhealthy situation and determination to live my own life from very young. Slowly over time, and with counselling, I am in a better space than I have ever been, and still growing. My mother would engulf me if I allowed it, but I don't. Why some get out of it and some don't, I don't know. One thing I have learned in life is that there is a "payoff" for the choices we make. We may choose to stay in a situation or to get out of it for the "reward" we perceive from our choices. I respect anyone's right to make their own choices - just realise that is what you are doing. No one else is responsible for your choices. No one can redo the past. All we can do it deal with each day as it comes, and make it as good for ourselves as possible.
Roscoe, I reread your title, and think that that concept most often applies to a parent giving up their life for their child. But then, unhealthy parents want their children to parent them, and that is what you are doing for your mum, If you choose to stay in your situation as it is, and let off steam, so be it.
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if id had money mom and i would have visited germany and gotten as effed up as hogans goat-- at wacken metal fest.
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Roscoe, you don't have to be the martyr if you have money to care for your mother. If you are choosing to "sacrifice your life" for her when you don't need to, then there's other issues going on that need to be addressed through counseling.
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