Life after the loss of your loved one...

Dear Aubrey,

I can identify with so much you are saying and writing about. Sorry to hear about your siblings. I wish I found this site sooner. I know I needed it about three years ago when my dad first had his stroke. He passed three months ago and I'm still struggling to carry on. My spent every day taking care of the day to day stuff. And now I am lost.

I'm still so tearful but it seems like my siblings have moved on. We had fought about my dad's care in the last three months of his life. We had started to talk about him going to a nursing home. And I was feeling burned out and wanted them to care as much as me. Instead they made me feel like I was putting them out and taking them from their real lives. I still have so much anger about this.

My dad didn't have a lot of money, so there is not much to left to give after his death. I had offered my siblings any of dad's possessions. I am also the Executor so I still have paperwork to work through.

I don't know how 2017 will look. Every says I need more time...but I still feel so raw about my dad's passing.

Aubrey

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. One thing to watch out for, if you're going through probate, siblings could make a "stink" when it comes time to file inventory/assets. The court would give them a few days if they wanted to contest.

Good grief Staceyb! It is so sad to see sibling act this way. I feel for you and your husband. This forum has really openned my eyes. I had no idea how many families are similar to yours and mine. Our family used to be so close, my parents weren't perfect but they loved us and provided for us to the best of their ability. Mom was particularly loving, kind and patient. She was an excellent steward of her modest assets, sometimes living too frugally. Part of me longs for our former closeness but then I slap myself and recall what they are, caustic and unreliable individuals.

Aubrey, take your time in doing the distribution of your Mom's Will. There are many loose ends to finalizing all of her bills, the funeral, insurance, Medicare, any life insurance and all. They don't see the big picture.

When my MIL passed away, and my FIL was still living, of course everything went directly to him.

At my MIL'S wake, in our home and backyard, I overheard my new SIL (brothers wife) who had only met her theone time, ask my BIL when there was going to be "the reading of the Will", which of course, there wasn't going to be any "read". I was astonished! The nerve of this interloper, asking such a?! Neither of my husband's siblings ever helped out, and did absolutely nothing to help us prepare for her funeral, or their own Dad, after she passed. We are talking 3 very busy days, doing this all on our own, but They were there for one thing, and one thing only, Money!

Well no money came their way from losing their Mom. And in the 13 years ever since, no help has come their way to help out with their Dad either!

In fact, the brother asked his Dad if he could distribute money ( like ten thousand dollars), every year, so that Dear old Dad could See him enjoying his inheritance before he died himself! This request has only caused a further disintegration of their relationship, the nerve of some people? He honestly thought that Dad wouldn't need his hard earned money to support himself in his waning years! Now 13 years later, Dad is going to need that money to go into a Senior living situation, as we have had him living with us all these years. Both of the siblings have been nothing but takers, and will find out that there's no such thing as an inheritance these days, unless you are extremely wealthy, or generationally rich! Heck, there will be likely nothing left of his money, but if there is, he won't see a penny of it. And btw, he is no longer married to that women, and has now moved on to wife #9 or 10! Dysfunction family? Yup!

Mom passed in September, my sorrow does not seem to be shared by my siblings. Lately, my older brother talks to me about my other siblings sharing comments like "emotions are no longer an issue, everyone's feelings seem to be in check." What? They did not help her or me at all. They did nothing! In fact they talked terribly about me. Why? I made one phone call 4 yrs ago asking each of the 3 of them to come once every 6-8 weeks or so to visit mom for a weekend. (I'd arranged sitters, so it wouldn't have been a work weekend). Well that blew up and I never asked again. Instead of helping, my one brother made terribly untrue and unkind remarks about mom and his wife made it her mission to turn my other sibs and extended family against me, making it more difficult for me by spreading untruthes, unkindnesses and generally being spiteful and bitter. All as I lovingly cared for mom in her home while still working and attended to my family and home.
I miss mom and feel so alone in my grief. Now, I'm executor, the lawyer has given me a time line and sound advice however my siblings want their inheritance which they are calling their "investment". I'm heart sick to realize I'm the only one who is grieving. My sibs were completely unsupportive during the last 5 years of mom's life and failing health, not even dropping by to visit her as they drove by to stay for free at her beach house, both ways! Now that she is gone I still cannot believe their cold behavior. Mom, always put us first, she prayed for each of us every single day, she was a loving and good mother. I believe their guilt has led them to act in this hurtful manner. Things will never be the same. I cannot forget even as I try to forgive.

Ironic to come see this thread again, since Carrie Fisher and now her mom, Debbie Reynolds are both dead. Rest in Peace beautiful ladies, you are both together.

Christmas and my Birthday were rough and made even harder than they had to be by people around me.Family upsets and bickering made for a stressfilled Christmas morning at my brother's.Dinner was good at my Uncle's but nothing was the same as in years past...I took a candle and a white poinsettia in memory of Mother,but I didn't get a chance to say and do what I was going to like I had wanted.Then yesterday,when I went to the grave,someone had stolen the coffee can I had wrapped and filled with holly from our yard that I had put on my parents grave and that was really upsetting to me.I'm so glad Christmas and my Birthday are over now.I feel absolutely drained from all my emotions and the extra physical work and I'm ready to leave this year behind.

Gershun, and Luckylu,
A special toast, a special prayer, those are such nice gestures to honor your Moms.
The sibs and others may be caught up short, may be embarrassed, may giggle nervously, or even poke fun at you, but stand firm, it's for your Mom, not them.
Hoping it goes well. Be sure to have a glass to ting to get their attention. Better yet, a horn blast in a can to get their attention?

Thank you Gershun...

Lucky that is a great idea and if your family doesn't want to take part you can just tell all us the stories. :)

Gershun....I like your idea to make a toast in your Mother's honor.I'm going to try my best to say a prayer at dinner and when I arrive to my brother's and later my Uncle's,,I'm going to acknowledge Mother by lighting a candle and letting it burn while we are together.I really wish everyone would tell a special memory or funny story about Mom.I'd love to hear them.....

Lucky I relate. After my Dad died ..............nothing, no mention of him. Same now with Mom. I say something and ................crickets. I am planning on making a toast to her this Christmas. Should of last year but knew I wouldn't get through it. I'm going to try this year.

I'm right here Send trudging through my Christmas chores,going through the motions and remembering my dear folks,who always made Christmas so magical and wondering how they did it all with the 3 of us "kids" with all of our Birthdays on top Christmas week year after year.Just the cooking Mom did was so much,not to mention all the money they must've had to come up with for presents for us(spoiled kids).It blows my mind thinking about it all.
MsMadge....I do plan on making Mother's Rum cake for Christmas morning and her frozen fruit salad for dinner that night and it is so nice that your Mother contributed to a family through the priest every year and it's so nice that you are also helping a family this year.I helped out a child on our church's "Angel Tree" and the little girl's wish is 6 pair of underwear and 6 pairs of socks...ofcourse I had to throw in some candy too.
I hung Mother's stocking and told the family that if they wanted to write Mom a note or a memory or anything,they could put it in there,but no one but me has done it or probably will.I wish my family and other people would talk about Mom but nobody will and it's like a big elephant in the room.

Luckylu,
Where'd ya go, stay with us, will you? Miss hearing from you, I know you miss your Mom.
Love from Send

Light a Candle
(Paul Alexander,1993)
And I will light a candle for you.
To shatter all the darkness and
bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame wwill burn bright and
guide us on our way.
Oh,today I light a candle for you.
The seasons come and go.
And I'm weary from the change.
I keep moving on,you know
it's not the same.
And when I'm walking all alone
Do you hear me call your name?
Do you hear me sing the songs
we used to sing?
You filled my life with wonder,
touched me with surprise.
Always saw that something
special deep within your eyes.
And through the good times and
the bad,
We carried on with pride.
I hold onto the love and life we
knew.

"Life after loss of loved one".... I didnt know what was happening to me last month to today but it turns out I was experiencing "derealization" after visiting my father's grave last month. Boy I had NO idea losing a parent could effect me so deeply.
Not looking forward to going to christmas thing today at mom's NH :(

They have already shown Rudolph and Frosty twice already. I used to enjoy Rudolph especially, because it was great to wrap gifts, do cards, etc, but this year there is no joy. Only positive is that there is 19 days left before this miserable year is over.

luckylu

I can definitely herelate. One positive thing that may work for you is donate money either to food pantry or Salvation Army kettle. You can actually feel a little better after doing this.

I don't wanna say "holidays suck" (altho that's my knee-jerk reaction), but they sure can be a mixed bag. A mental marathon of re-living past memories....getting your mind right for this year's show.....and comparing your angst to (what looks like) smoother sailing in other families.

Grab the good moments whenever and wherever you can. Be open to surprises. A smile or blessing might come from an unexpected source.

Mending Hearts Cottage in the Alps.

To all who are missing their loved ones this time of year, I hear you. I certainly relate. I still wish I had a cabin in the Swiss Alps that I could invite you all to. We could all drink eggnog and laugh and cry together. If I ever become rich that is what I plan on. We could call it our lonely hearts cabin. Or perhaps something more cheerful sounding than that.

Anyhow, try to get through it, one second at a time. Yesterday I was waiting in the car for Hubs and I was talking out loud to my Mom, saying "I love you and I miss you" Immediately my cell phone beeped and there was a text message from my Sister-In-Law saying I am so glad you guys are coming over on Christmas Day. I know it was my Mom's greatest wish that after she died we would all love each other and stay close. I can't help but think that it wasn't a coincidence that my phoned beeped right after I was talking to my dear Mom.

Hang in there Lu
Maybe not this year, but perhaps next is there some new tradition you can start to keep the magic of your mom's memory and help another ?

With the cost of mom's care, I don't plan on doing much gift giving this year except for a couple of close friends and maybe my niece and nephew - undecided about my siblings but I did help sponsor a foster family - a grandma taking care of 6 kids - surprisingly these kids have modest wishes which were easy to fulfill

My mom even though she isn't Catholic gave the priest who married my parents a check each year to help a family in his parish and I always admired that

I don't have the energy to put up a tree this year but I did buy poinsettias and wreaths for the front of the house - figure the neighbors and mailman can enjoy them

I'll say zythrr....This will be my first Christmas with no parents and my first Christmas not to celebrate at home and it doesn't feel like Christmas at all.My Mother died a year ago,2 days after Christmas on my Birthday.I keep thinking about how it all played out at the end with Mom.I thought last year was rough,but this one's been just as hard and I feel like I'm in slow motion just going through the motions.

Holidays suck.

Thank you Micalost...I feel SO lost without Mother with me this Christmas.We have always done our Christmas shopping together,even last year ,just days before she died,we were at the mall for 7 hours straight but this is my first Christmas to ever shop alone and it's so hard and lonely.This time a year ago,I could never stop and now it's hard to get started.I miss Mother's excitement about Christmas so much.She always made it magical.

I have been crying .... I guess this is a good thing as I hadnt cried during all these losses this last year..
LuckyLu you should type that prayer on paper and have it out... it is lovely...

Blackhole, You have been a light, often, for many on here, and I am one who enjoys your posts.

This was my first T-giving without my mom, too. (She passed between T-giving and Christmas last year. So T-giving was my last "first" holiday without her -- if that makes any sense.)

And yes, I b*tch b*tch b*tch about Thanksgiving. Be that as it may, it would have been nice to hear some (h*ll, ANY) acknowledgment as I sat amongst the Bad News/"Organ Recital"/Police Blotter in-laws on Thursday. But nooooooo. They never break character. Never!

On that note, let me take this opportunity to give thanks for AC Forum. Seriously. I am so grateful to have an outlet for all my "ugly stuff." You folks are the best.

Hugs and love and good vibes to all. Making a new year's resolution (already!) to be less of a crabapple on this site. This journey is complex. I owe it to all of you -- and myself -- to shine a light more often. :-)

That was a beautiful prayer Luckylu, I'm glad you shared it.

Thanksgiving was so hard without Mom and it really made me sad that no one mentioned Mother or even said a prayer for all our blessings.People were yacking and just started eating and I guess the prayer was forgotten but I feel bad that I didn't pull out the prayer in my pocket to say at a certain moment.It said:
Here and now fill the empty places in our hearts and this empty place at our table.
Teach us to savor the moments we have with one another
To rightly remember what we have lost but also to look foreward to what we have been promised in the future.
Thank you for all your blessings,for even through trials and loss you always reveal your goodness.
In Jesus Christ we Pray~
I wish I would have been more assertive and stood up.Now my goal will be Christmas dinner.