Life after the loss of your loved one...

Susan I know ERs are stretched for resources but surely to goodness they could have found you somewhere quiet to sit for a bit, until your mother's body was transferred?

I'm not going to apologise for it: I really don't think it's in the realms of superstition to care what happens to your loved one's remains. I don't know, is it perhaps a professional's more hardened perspective that once the person is gone, she's gone, that's the end of it, and you're basically just looking at 100+ lbs of lamb chops?

The funeral directors couldn't come to take my mother away until the day after she passed, but I was glad of it. If they'd done it while she was still warm... not sure I'd have let them. And as it was, when they transferred her from her bed to their gurney they were bloomin' rough about it; and I did object; and I didn't apologise for that, either.

You just want people to show a bit of respect, don't you?

Ashes feel different. My dad sat on my brother's bedroom window sill for years until they got round to doing something about it. And there are, aren't there, lots of people who keep their spouses on the mantelpiece... :/

Gershun - to be honest, I don't think about the ashes too much. I know they're here, and they're visible on a daily basis, but for the most part, I just try not to think about it. I know my Mom well enough to know she'd be patient and wait for us to do what needs to be done, but I also know that in her mind, she'd be saying, "Why haven't they taken me to the lake already???" Soon, Mom...soon.

I know I will have a hard time saying that final goodbye. I had the hardest time leaving the ER trauma room when she passed - it just felt so wrong to just leave her there. I still have tears when I think of it - just felt so absolutely wrong. Then I found out the coroner didn't pick her up for 5 days...that was worse. I know it was just her "shell", not actually "Mom" there, but still...

Thank you Gershun for being so sweet to me. I love reading too. Glad you found a good book tonight. I ordered the newest from Sophie Kinsella. I like her writing voice and she makes me laugh.

Another very tearful night. I texted with my sibling for an hour trying to get everything out. I will try to follow your gentle suggestion. One day at a time is all I think about for the most part. You'll have to let us know how you like the ending of this book.

Take care my friend.

Susan, I'm glad we didn't keep my Mom's ashes cause I just know I would do something stupid like put them on the mantelpiece and talk to them or something equally as ignorant.

Cdnreader, one day at a time as they say. I read a lot and I find that helps me. I love getting lost in a book. Right now I'm lost between page 56 and 57 so if you don''t hear from me for a while you'll know where to look. :)

Dear Susan,

I'm sure it will be emotional trip, but it will be beautiful to reunite your mom and dad. I hope you will find peace and closure.

Dear Gershun,

Thank you for your support. I will try my friend. I know I need to hang on. I don't know why the last two weeks have been so hard. Thank you again.

We're in the planning stages now for the trip we will make this summer to take Mom's ashes to be placed with Dad's. Kind of looking forward to the trip and kind of not....it will be hard to open up that wound all over again, but it will also bring closure.

Cndreader, you are not rambling. If that is what you are doing then all of us on here are guilty of that. I kind of think of this forum as a form of self-expression. It's good and healthy and beneficial even if we may not feel like it's helping us, I'm sure it is. Just keep on hanging in there dear.....

Hi Gershun,

How are you doing? Thinking of you.

I'm having another tearful tonight. Decided to come onto the forum and try get myself to focus on something. Try to be helpful and useful in some way.

In one more week it will be 5 months since my dad passed away. I know there is still a long ways to go. I keep coming back to my news feed and reading the kind replies. Trying to take comfort. Trying to make sense of my dad's death. Just wish I could come to some sort of acceptance. Thank you for letting me ramble.

I hope the rest of the week is better for all us.

I'm sorry for the pain you're in Gershun.I know it hurts so bad.
I wish my Mom was here too,back here right beside me,so I could talk to her,hug her,tell her I love her.I just have to keep telling myself how tired her poor little body was,and pray that one day,we will be back together again in Heaven.
Hang in there Gershun and again,I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly.

Dear Gershun,

I'm so sorry for the pain and sorrow. We all have those moments when our emotions overwhelm us. I know its not easy my friend. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

You are not alone. We are all here for you. And please don't be afraid to get more help. Talking to a doctor, counselor, family therapist or joining a support group. This grief journey is a tough and long road. I still wish none of us had to go through it.

Take care my friend. Thinking of you.

Who....
.................Whooo
.......Whoo!

Gershun,

Please see a doctor if you feel the need

I too have trouble going to sleep but find taking a calcium magnesium pill in the evening helps if I remember to take it

There are many night owls here if you're awake in the middle of the night

continuing...my answer was lost....wishing you are feeling better by now..

Gershun,
Thinking of you!

Speaking of crying Cdnreader I had a really horrible experience on Tuesday night. Desperate for some sleep I searched my cupboard and found some old prescription for something the doc had prescribed way back when. I had a horrific emotional reaction to it. Within 15 min. of taking it I was thrown back in time to when my Mom had just passed. It was like it had happened yesterday. I still could not sleep and was just so upset that I got dressed and put my jacket on, went for a walk. This being the middle of the night, pouring rain, and there I was wandering down the street feeling just about as hopeless and sad as I ever have in my life. I can't even describe it. I think I am really in trouble here and have to get some kind of help. This not sleeping and the emotional turmoil that I am going through just is not right.

Dear luckylu,

The little kittens sound precious, glad you have them in your life. That is a beautiful thought. I would keep it.:-) Your mom and dad were so special, I'm sure it was their idea.:-)

Me, too. I came home tonight from work crying again. Every time I walk through the door, I expect to find my dad awake watching TV or sleeping. I wish so bad my dad was still alive. There was still so much I wanted him to see and enjoy.

cdnreader,Thank you for all you have said also.I'm very grateful for the extra time we had together,but I still wish she was here beside me.
Everyday I Thank God for my animals too.Feeding my birds,walking the dog and playing with the new little kittens keep me going.I wish my Mom could have met these new babies but then,I also think she might have had something to do with them.I would not put it past her.She and Dad were both funny people and jokesters.Who knows.....

Thank so much for your kind words of support Luckylu. I'm so thankful.

I'm so sorry to hear about what that lady said about wanting your mom's dress. Sometimes I just don't understand people. Where do people get the nerve? It makes me so crazy sometimes.

Everyone tells me I'm still early in my grief journey. That it will take time. I know I need to carry on and live with a new normal, but right now that feels so far away.

People keep asking me about travel. I don't know. Day by day is all I can handle right now. My mind is still foggy.

Take care my friend and thank you again for this thread and your support.

cdnreader, I know you really tried.So did I.God knows we did our best.And I don't think you are hyper-sensitive either.I think the comments stung I received and I can't forget them and they make me mad too.I had one lady say"When your Mother dies,I want that dress"(The dress she was wearing that day).I still think of this and Mother has been gone over a year.I also feel "off" that I can't see my Mom or help her in any way like you.I'm sorry that you feel lost like me too,but good for you getting up and going to work.I know it's not easy.

I'm so sorry Luckylu, I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. Me too. I feel lost after the death of my father. I think it takes a long time to work through the shock. I know death is a fact. But accepting this fact is not easy. I get so mad when people tell me to get over it or just take a vacation and you will feel better. Maybe I am hyper sensitive but even those innocent comments make me angry. I try to get out bed each day and go to work. But in the back of my mind it feels off that I can no longer see my dad or help my dad in anyway. Not to say it was always easy, it wasn't, but I really tried.

Gosh MsMadge....She looks like they could come ANY minute.She SO big! She eats all the time and sleeps a lot but still no kitties yet.

Lu,
When are those kitties gonna be here ?

Churchmouse...My husband has lost both his parents,a sister and his twin brother but his losses never touched him in the same way that mine have touched me.Maybe it's a "man" thing that he doesn't show his emotions but there's no reason for him to be so cold to others that do.Your'e right,his anger isn't appropriate and he saw all my work and time spent with Mom,so of all people,I'd think he'd understand but without Mom here now,it's been quite an adjustment for both of us.For 24 years,the 3 of us lived together and now it's just the 2 of us.

Lucky, has your husband experienced his own losses, I wonder?

It's just it occurs to me that when I meet people around and about and tell them when my mother died, the ones who've been through it don't expect me to be just fine about it by now. Or not the ones who were caregivers, anyway.

Ask your husband calmly if he thinks he can argue or criticise you out of being sad. Anger isn't appropriate. And though patience isn't a virtue everyone has (God knows I haven't), he might like to try a bit harder to cultivate some.

One thing Not helping me,is my husband's anger at my grief.He doesn't understand that I don't want to be hurting and I can't seem to help it.He says"Everyone looses their Mother.You need to get over it".I wish I could just Get over it but our love ran so deep and I was with her Only for so many years,through thick and thin.She was my best friend.
God knows Iv'e been trying to get better.Iv'e forced myself to do so many things Iv'e had no desire to do continuing to put one foot in front of the other but still,after a year and a month,I have good days and bad.I knew it was going to be bad when Mom died,but I never dreamed it'd be this awful.

Thank you, luckylu, for your kind words and for the reference to PTSD...I've been wondering if that might happen to one who has been a caregiver. Within a year, my uncle, two aunts, my ex husband, my mom, and my cousin died. I guess it all adds up. I need to do some research, there must be an answer to all that's going on with me. Again, thanks.

sulynn...Youv'e been through A lot.Give yourself some time.You were there for your Mother clear to the end,supporting her out of love.Watching our loved one decline day after day takes a toll on us.You may have some PTSD happening now.Grief work is hard work,I know because I lost my dear Mother and some days are just harder than others.I'm so sorry you lost your dear Mother and you are hurting.Take good care of yourself~

My mom died a year ago and I still feel "lost"...it was 24/7 with her for the last 5 of the 13 years, she had Parkinson's, of caregiving and it seems to have exhausted me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am simply not the same person that I used to be. I was always a "problem solver"...now if anything happens? I'm so anxious that I shake and cry. Lately, I've noticed that even while watching TV if there's a stressful situation portrayed? I can't handle it! I hit the mute or switch channels...and don't ask me to take on any responsibility for someone, or go and visit them in the hospital, my insides start to tremble and I can't do it. It was a long, slow, dying process for Mom and she fought it all the way. She's at peace now and I'm a mess. Gracious.

Aubrey you are an amazing daughter. Your mom was so lucky to have you. I'm with you. It is hard to fill the time. I wake up each day thinking I should be doing this and that for my dad, but he's gone. It still doesn't feel real to me. I keep thinking its 2pm and I should be buying him his favorite cup of coffee. Trying to figure out how to carry on without my dad is unthinkable.

About the siblings its so true. Their lives were never interrupted. And even in death, I am the one left dealing with the estate, the papers, his possessions and visiting his grave site on a regular basis. It is very hurtful.

Thank you again for your reply.

Dear cdnreader, I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I can certainly relate to your feelings. Sometimes my heart aches so much. It seems absurb, I mean how can you miss the worry? Or the exhaustion? But I do. It has been hard to fill the time that used to devoted to caring for mom. I know I'm in the midst of the normal stages of grief. It pains me to know that my siblings do not share any of these feelings. Then again, how could they be grieving? Their lives were never interupted. Caring for mom was my honor. Who could deny the weak and innocent love and care? She was well aware of their absence