Life after the loss of your loved one...

Lucky, has your husband experienced his own losses, I wonder?

It's just it occurs to me that when I meet people around and about and tell them when my mother died, the ones who've been through it don't expect me to be just fine about it by now. Or not the ones who were caregivers, anyway.

Ask your husband calmly if he thinks he can argue or criticise you out of being sad. Anger isn't appropriate. And though patience isn't a virtue everyone has (God knows I haven't), he might like to try a bit harder to cultivate some.

Churchmouse...My husband has lost both his parents,a sister and his twin brother but his losses never touched him in the same way that mine have touched me.Maybe it's a "man" thing that he doesn't show his emotions but there's no reason for him to be so cold to others that do.Your'e right,his anger isn't appropriate and he saw all my work and time spent with Mom,so of all people,I'd think he'd understand but without Mom here now,it's been quite an adjustment for both of us.For 24 years,the 3 of us lived together and now it's just the 2 of us.

Lu,
When are those kitties gonna be here ?

Gosh MsMadge....She looks like they could come ANY minute.She SO big! She eats all the time and sleeps a lot but still no kitties yet.

I'm so sorry Luckylu, I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. Me too. I feel lost after the death of my father. I think it takes a long time to work through the shock. I know death is a fact. But accepting this fact is not easy. I get so mad when people tell me to get over it or just take a vacation and you will feel better. Maybe I am hyper sensitive but even those innocent comments make me angry. I try to get out bed each day and go to work. But in the back of my mind it feels off that I can no longer see my dad or help my dad in anyway. Not to say it was always easy, it wasn't, but I really tried.

cdnreader, I know you really tried.So did I.God knows we did our best.And I don't think you are hyper-sensitive either.I think the comments stung I received and I can't forget them and they make me mad too.I had one lady say"When your Mother dies,I want that dress"(The dress she was wearing that day).I still think of this and Mother has been gone over a year.I also feel "off" that I can't see my Mom or help her in any way like you.I'm sorry that you feel lost like me too,but good for you getting up and going to work.I know it's not easy.

Thank so much for your kind words of support Luckylu. I'm so thankful.

I'm so sorry to hear about what that lady said about wanting your mom's dress. Sometimes I just don't understand people. Where do people get the nerve? It makes me so crazy sometimes.

Everyone tells me I'm still early in my grief journey. That it will take time. I know I need to carry on and live with a new normal, but right now that feels so far away.

People keep asking me about travel. I don't know. Day by day is all I can handle right now. My mind is still foggy.

Take care my friend and thank you again for this thread and your support.

cdnreader,Thank you for all you have said also.I'm very grateful for the extra time we had together,but I still wish she was here beside me.
Everyday I Thank God for my animals too.Feeding my birds,walking the dog and playing with the new little kittens keep me going.I wish my Mom could have met these new babies but then,I also think she might have had something to do with them.I would not put it past her.She and Dad were both funny people and jokesters.Who knows.....

Dear luckylu,

The little kittens sound precious, glad you have them in your life. That is a beautiful thought. I would keep it.:-) Your mom and dad were so special, I'm sure it was their idea.:-)

Me, too. I came home tonight from work crying again. Every time I walk through the door, I expect to find my dad awake watching TV or sleeping. I wish so bad my dad was still alive. There was still so much I wanted him to see and enjoy.

Speaking of crying Cdnreader I had a really horrible experience on Tuesday night. Desperate for some sleep I searched my cupboard and found some old prescription for something the doc had prescribed way back when. I had a horrific emotional reaction to it. Within 15 min. of taking it I was thrown back in time to when my Mom had just passed. It was like it had happened yesterday. I still could not sleep and was just so upset that I got dressed and put my jacket on, went for a walk. This being the middle of the night, pouring rain, and there I was wandering down the street feeling just about as hopeless and sad as I ever have in my life. I can't even describe it. I think I am really in trouble here and have to get some kind of help. This not sleeping and the emotional turmoil that I am going through just is not right.

Gershun,
Thinking of you!

continuing...my answer was lost....wishing you are feeling better by now..

Gershun,

Please see a doctor if you feel the need

I too have trouble going to sleep but find taking a calcium magnesium pill in the evening helps if I remember to take it

There are many night owls here if you're awake in the middle of the night

Who....
.................Whooo
.......Whoo!

Dear Gershun,

I'm so sorry for the pain and sorrow. We all have those moments when our emotions overwhelm us. I know its not easy my friend. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

You are not alone. We are all here for you. And please don't be afraid to get more help. Talking to a doctor, counselor, family therapist or joining a support group. This grief journey is a tough and long road. I still wish none of us had to go through it.

Take care my friend. Thinking of you.

I'm sorry for the pain you're in Gershun.I know it hurts so bad.
I wish my Mom was here too,back here right beside me,so I could talk to her,hug her,tell her I love her.I just have to keep telling myself how tired her poor little body was,and pray that one day,we will be back together again in Heaven.
Hang in there Gershun and again,I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly.

Hi Gershun,

How are you doing? Thinking of you.

I'm having another tearful tonight. Decided to come onto the forum and try get myself to focus on something. Try to be helpful and useful in some way.

In one more week it will be 5 months since my dad passed away. I know there is still a long ways to go. I keep coming back to my news feed and reading the kind replies. Trying to take comfort. Trying to make sense of my dad's death. Just wish I could come to some sort of acceptance. Thank you for letting me ramble.

I hope the rest of the week is better for all us.

Cndreader, you are not rambling. If that is what you are doing then all of us on here are guilty of that. I kind of think of this forum as a form of self-expression. It's good and healthy and beneficial even if we may not feel like it's helping us, I'm sure it is. Just keep on hanging in there dear.....

We're in the planning stages now for the trip we will make this summer to take Mom's ashes to be placed with Dad's. Kind of looking forward to the trip and kind of not....it will be hard to open up that wound all over again, but it will also bring closure.

Dear Susan,

I'm sure it will be emotional trip, but it will be beautiful to reunite your mom and dad. I hope you will find peace and closure.

Dear Gershun,

Thank you for your support. I will try my friend. I know I need to hang on. I don't know why the last two weeks have been so hard. Thank you again.

Susan, I'm glad we didn't keep my Mom's ashes cause I just know I would do something stupid like put them on the mantelpiece and talk to them or something equally as ignorant.

Cdnreader, one day at a time as they say. I read a lot and I find that helps me. I love getting lost in a book. Right now I'm lost between page 56 and 57 so if you don''t hear from me for a while you'll know where to look. :)

Thank you Gershun for being so sweet to me. I love reading too. Glad you found a good book tonight. I ordered the newest from Sophie Kinsella. I like her writing voice and she makes me laugh.

Another very tearful night. I texted with my sibling for an hour trying to get everything out. I will try to follow your gentle suggestion. One day at a time is all I think about for the most part. You'll have to let us know how you like the ending of this book.

Take care my friend.

Gershun - to be honest, I don't think about the ashes too much. I know they're here, and they're visible on a daily basis, but for the most part, I just try not to think about it. I know my Mom well enough to know she'd be patient and wait for us to do what needs to be done, but I also know that in her mind, she'd be saying, "Why haven't they taken me to the lake already???" Soon, Mom...soon.

I know I will have a hard time saying that final goodbye. I had the hardest time leaving the ER trauma room when she passed - it just felt so wrong to just leave her there. I still have tears when I think of it - just felt so absolutely wrong. Then I found out the coroner didn't pick her up for 5 days...that was worse. I know it was just her "shell", not actually "Mom" there, but still...

Susan I know ERs are stretched for resources but surely to goodness they could have found you somewhere quiet to sit for a bit, until your mother's body was transferred?

I'm not going to apologise for it: I really don't think it's in the realms of superstition to care what happens to your loved one's remains. I don't know, is it perhaps a professional's more hardened perspective that once the person is gone, she's gone, that's the end of it, and you're basically just looking at 100+ lbs of lamb chops?

The funeral directors couldn't come to take my mother away until the day after she passed, but I was glad of it. If they'd done it while she was still warm... not sure I'd have let them. And as it was, when they transferred her from her bed to their gurney they were bloomin' rough about it; and I did object; and I didn't apologise for that, either.

You just want people to show a bit of respect, don't you?

Ashes feel different. My dad sat on my brother's bedroom window sill for years until they got round to doing something about it. And there are, aren't there, lots of people who keep their spouses on the mantelpiece... :/

Yes, exactly, CM! There are many people who simply keep the ashes, never bury or spread them. And with the "new" Catholic requirements not to spread them anywhere, not even in water, and not to keep them in your home, but to bury them....geez. Mom and Dad were Catholics, but we kids are not - only one of us attends church on the regular and it's not a Catholic church. No offense to the Catholics here, but there was abuse in our childhood and church was tied into it - so none of us feel any ties to the Catholic church. Long story.

I don't particularly care what the church thinks - Mom wanted her ashes disposed of in a certain way, and she told us all through our lives that if we didn't do it, she'd come back and haunt every single one of us. LOL Trust me, I think she'd definitely try. Mom had a lifelong love affair with a lake where she grew up, and that's where her ashes are going. We placed Dad's ashes there when he passed, and Mom's will be released in the same place - that's all there is to it.

As far as the hospital ER goes, there was some issue with the coroner not getting Mom's body picked up right away, they were busy or something, so she remained in the hospital morgue for some days before they got to her - her autopsy was not performed for almost a week. That was something else I objected to, but had to finally accept, because of the circumstances of her death. But it just broke my heart to think of her body undergoing that sort of violation after she'd been through so much. But because she was in a nursing home and her death was very sudden, plus she suffered a fall with severe facial/head injuries at the time of her death, there had to be an autopsy to confirm cause of death to ensure there was no wrongdoing on the part of the NH. (There wasn't - cause of death was heart disease and kidney failure, which we already knew.) I still haven't ordered a copy of the autopsy report...just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I know I need to, and will try to get it done soon, because siblings are wanting it too - but my stomach just knots up every time I think of it. I'm also ordering a copy of the report from the EMTs that revived her so we have a full picture of what happened, though I pretty much know the answer - it was a repeat of what happened here at home when she took that bad fall - her heart just stopped and this time, there was no bringing it back. Just going to be hard to read it in black and white, clinical terms.

I think I told you all what happened the night my Mom died. The hospital phoned me to say she had "expired". First of all I hate that way of phrasing it. Like she was a carton of milk or something. But I digress..........

So, I phoned my brother. He picked me up and we went to the hospital. None of the other siblings wanted to go. We walk in and bro says"I'm warning you, this won't be pretty" Well, I'd just been to see her four hrs. previous and I was sure she wouldn't have metamorphized in four hours.

Well, we walk into her room and the dumb nurses there had put her dentures into her mouth. There is no other way to describe it but that she looked like Mr. Ed the horse. Ghastly............!! I don't know whose idea that was but my brother's first reaction was to start laughing hysterically. Then I joined in. I couldn't help it. Then my sister calls me on my cell phone crying her heart out and I'm trying to stop laughing. Oh my God............what a mess. We've always been the type of family that laughs at inappropriate moments so my Mom would have appreciated it I'm sure.

They told us we had half an hour to be with her cause they needed the room. Nice eh? Then we went to the front desk to ask about them transporting her to the funeral home. We wanted to make sure we were all on the same page cause when my brother died that all turned into a shitstorm. So, we are standing there talking to the clueless nurse at the desk and another nurse comes running over and says "What's wrong? Is she not breathing?" Picture me rolling my eyes..........

Don't get me wrong, I totally support nurses but in this case it was dumb and dumber.

But, I have always felt like it was good that my bro started to laugh cause otherwise I would probably have become hysterical and made a scene.
I try not to even think about them transporting my Mom to the morgue and all that other horrible stuff. As CM said, Mom wasn't in there anymore. Not to be morbid but when you look into the eyes of someone who has died you can tell that what made them who they were is not there anymore.

Many hospitals have a chapel where family can sit after a loved one has passed. As a hospice nurse I always stayed with the family until the Funeral Home came to pick the loved one up. Most of the funeral homes had a quilt that they lay over the body on the gurney and I felt that made a huge difference and made the farewell more acceptable.
The dumb nurse was actually not so dumb as she appeared. the Funeral Directors like the teeth to be put in as soon as possible before the body stiffens.

My mother was cremated and the crematorium spread the ashes on the flower beds outside the building. The ashes were not offered and I personally had no desire to keep them. My FIL was cremated and the funeral home kept the ashes and they were buried with MIL.

Like everything else when a loved one dies the grieving process is different for everyone and that includes the disposal of the ashes. Some people spread them in a favorite place or waterway, others do keep them on the mantlepiece and take comfort in talking to them every day. Others never pick them up from the funeral home and by law the funeral has to keep them for eternity. On director told me when he took over his business there were lots of long forgotten urns in the basement and the law does not allow them to be disposed of.

I apologize for calling that nurse dumb then. I had no idea. As it stood we were planning on cremation so it would not have mattered anyhow. My Mom had requested cremation and I know she would not have wanted any of us to keep the ashes. She was a strong believer in Christ and that what we were was not a body but a spirit.

I'm sorry if I sounded disrespectful. I know that probably a lot of people take comfort in keeping their loved one's ashes and that they become symbolic of their loved ones so therefore they talk to them. It's just not something I would do personally.

That law about keeping the ashes for eternity seems comforting to me somehow. Don't know why.

Gershun,
Keep on apologizing for having an opinion and the rest of everyone will have to do that too. Sorry, that's my opinion and I am not ashamed.