Life after the loss of your loved one...

Oh, Rainmom - that's too funny. I have been slowly cleaning out Dad's garage of things that I know no one else will want - trash and stuff that Dad kept because "he might need it for something someday". Old car mats - so old that they were dryrotted and fell apart when I picked them up. FOUR captains chairs and a wooden table out of a conversion van - again, so old the chairs are destroyed and have to be trashed. Bags and boxes of rags so full of mouse poop that I'm afraid to touch them. Bags of plastic pill bottles and other bottles he saved for decades to store things in. Bent up pieces of aluminum from crutches or some other medical equipment. Sheesh.

Susan - I use to think the same thing, about dad visiting me after he passed. Daddy and I were as close as any father and daughter can be - he was my best friend for the last 30 years of his life and we spoke almost daily. I felt positive that after daddy passed away he would visit me - in a dream or perhaps leave a sign that he was looking in on me from time to time. Especially during the really hard days with my mother - daddy always took care of her and he adored her until the day he died, I thought for sure he'd find a way to tell me to be patient with her. But nothing. It's been very difficult for me to accept - the sheer "gone-ness" of having a loved one pass away. They are just completely and utterly gone - forever. It's shaken my belief in God, heaven, a life after death, to my very core. I wish I could still believe I will see my dad again, in heaven if nothing else - it made daddy being gone just the tiniest bit easier. But I don't believe it anymore and that's hard.

Rainmom

Your loved ones do come back to check on you, You just have to be open and observant to the signs. Case in point, 3 months to the date my mom passed, June 29, Yesterday found .35 cents, a quarter and a dime. As I'm typing this a thunderstorm is moving in, We would turn off the tv and lights and talk until the storm ends. Wanted to buy Oreos, which I am definitely giving up, Had a .75 coupon for them,plus they were on sale. I could not find the coupon. After the sale is over found expired coupon, on the floor,which was not there before, Lol

I was like you, but I've definitely changed my view. I do believe our loved ones never leave our side, and definitely look out for us. I hope you can experience that as well.

Well, they say that certain things are indicative of a loved one visiting like butterflies and coins and feathers. They say if you are walking somewhere and a feather crosses your path that means something. I am constantly seeing feathers, every time I go out. Maybe I always did and I am just noticing them more now, who knows.

As for keeping things of my Mom's around. Yes, I too have a lot of her old prescriptions and I even still have the diary the home care aides kept when they went to see her while she was still at home. Part of me feels like if I throw them out it's final, which I guess it is. Who am I trying to kid.

Susan, your story about your Mom helping with your pregnancy resonated with me. My Mom was always there when I needed help or an encouraging word or just someone to go have coffee with and not say anything. That's what I miss the most. Knowing that someone was out there loving me and praying for me.

Having kind of a rough night tonight. Trying to stay involved in my work, but not doing so well with that. Guess what set me off? Dad's coin purse.

I found it in Mom's purse, which has been hanging on the coat rack that Dad made and mounted to the wall behind their bedroom door decades ago. Mom's purse has been hanging there ever since I moved in - it was like she simply surrendered control of everything to me when I moved in, and no longer needed to carry her purse. I finally took it down last night and started sorting through it.

Goodness, the receipts and notes, photos and calendars...Mom had a little of everything in there. Photos of grandkids dating back to their birth, a photo of her mother that her father carried with him until he died and the photo was given to my mom.

In one of the pockets, I found Dad's coin purse. Holding that heavy, weathered leather pouch instantly brought Dad's face into my mind - my heart jumped right up into my throat and tears sprang to my eyes. I pictured how many times I saw him take that coin purse out and shake coins out of it, and how many times I saw him use his special way of forming a funnel with his hand to accept change handed back to him so he could funnel it into the coin purse without dropping a single coin - and then I realized how many times I have done the very same thing myself with my own hand. Took me a couple of hours to be able to focus again. I finally wrote all the memories down and saved them to my PC in a file for future use in my writing. I think it helped a little and I'll probably keep putting down these emotive memories to try and get them out and not keep them pent up.

Hey Susan I think that is a very good idea, writing your memories down. In fact I've often thought that would be a great way for people to honor their deceased loved ones. Maybe decorate each page with pictures and some of their favorite knick knacks. I know the feeling though Susan. Its when I least expect it that a memory or some such thing will just hit me. Its like a stab to the heart.

Susan...That is a great idea writing down your memories.When my Mom died,I made a collage with words cut out of the newspaper.On one side of the collage is my feelings of how it was when Momwas here and we were fighting so hard and on the other side I have all the feelings about how I feel now that she's gone.I just started doing it.I don't know why,but it just made me feel better

When Mother died I quit the daily walks we took for years every day around our block.Iv'e gone around a few times,but cried every time and kind of gave up.Then this new puppy came and now I have to walk it,so I have begun the daily walks again for her and as I walk around this block where Mom and I used to walk and where my black cat,Savvy walked with us,putting on entertaining shows for us,remembering ,nothing is forgotten but maybe my pain will be eased and I'll create some new memories and by commiting myself to do this,I will also be honoring Mother because this is what she would have wanted for me.It helps my dog and myself and I bet Mother is close by somehow,watching....I hope.I just keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other and get throughTHIS day only. I miss Mother so,so much.

Lucky it's sad isn't it, the things that used to bring such happiness now cause so much pain. Mom and I used to always go to the mall together and now when I am there by myself or with Hubs sometimes the grief hits me so hard I actually have to stop walking and get a hold of myself. It's like someone punched me in the gut really hard.

Gershun

Many can relate, Things, that were enjoyable, aren't anymore after a beloved loved one dies.

Yup zytrhr. No need to even add anything to that statement.

Saturday's continue to be my hardest days without Mom.All my life,Saturday's were our day since I was a little girl.We made the best shopping team and loved to find things for our loved ones.We always made a list of the garage sales we'd hit on Friday nights for Saturday,even when she was so ill.Every now and then,I stop by a sale but the joy I used to have for it has vanished.I long so much for Mom to be with me that sometimes(a lot) I talk to her like she's right beside me and usually always start crying and just leave buying nothing.
Yesterday,the bereavement counselor from Mother's Hospice came by and surprised me.He told me they are having a Memorial for all the people they've lost this past year and Mother's nurses,bathaid,etc. will stand up and say something about Mother.That should be very interesting.And he also reminded me about the grief support meeting next week.I know I should go because I need help moving foreward.I still wake up and can't believe it's all over and how I did everything for so many years,and that she's gone.I know I was super lucky to have her as long as I did and she was very,very tired.

omg Rainmom this is me!
my dad and i would even talk about how he would contact me afterwards.... Nothing. My deepest core beliefs I built have vanished- I look upon what I beleived as somesort of life-long coping mechanism. I was SO Spiritual to the core, now i feel it is all magical thinking

Many aspects of this journey (and its aftermath) are faith-shattering. For some.

On a non-spiritual note: After my mother's death -- and for a damm long time after -- I lost interest/satisfaction in experiences and activities that were unrelated to Mom. They were "just" the things that made me feel like ME for my entire adult life.

That blankness is rough. I know there's more to life than work and chores. But I feel like a depleted husk and I struggle to rouse myself into action.

Time is helping. But it is taking sooooo much more time than I thought it would.

I'm going on 20 years. My mom had dementia she died in 2003. I premorned her death, because her mind was already dead. It was not helpful for anyone not living next door ( me my husband and daughter) to give any suggestions. I'm also a nurse. My father did not want his two sons to visit her to be witness of her dementia. Believe me I did everything I could for her. I woke up at 5 am to bathe, toilet and feed her. That was 7 days a week. 4 of the 7 days I would go from caring for her to working 7:00-1700. When my daughter got out of diapers my mom went into diapers. I was relieved when she died. I was actuallly happy that her dead body and mind left to transcend into the universe/GOD. She died in 2003. Since then, my dad has been very depressed and isolative. He's has been ill a couple times and I have been taking him to doctors appointments, and stayed by his side day and night during a three day hospital stay. Last October 3rd I had returned to work a week after I had trigger finger release surgery. I was at work for about 45 minutes ( wasn't even taking care of patients...just handed my return to work note to my two administrative nurse manager...I was checking my email and was brought in to my supervisors office with a HR person because the "assistant managers" reported I didn't seem "right". I was escorted to human resource and told I had to wait to be drug and alcohol tested. They suspended me with pay for 3 days. This was October 3rd 2015. On October 5th my dad was bleeding while going to toilet. It got pretty bad, and I ended up taking him to hospital for continuous bladder irrigation. He was discharged Monday October 8th. I was awake the whole time he was in hospital. My work called me to report that my breathalyzer and ursine drug screen was negative. They wanted me to see a psychologist for an evaluation prior to returning to work. But at this point I was on FMLA. I met with a psychologist and he said that I seemed fine to go back to work. My supervisor called me that Friday and asked if I wanted to return to work that Monday. I explained I was on FMLA. I used the three months of FMLA and resigned from my nursing position. How could I return? I was/still am traumatized by those events. I lost my insurance, my pay etc. I just went in a rant....off the subject....I don't know how I will feel when my dad dies. I was relieved when my mom left, and there have been many times I've gone over my dads house and thought he was dead. We even had a priest come to his house to perform "last rights". It is a VERY long process. Never knew it would be 20 years of adult caregiving. My daughter is now 20 and thriving at college. My Dad does not want help from others. I suppose I enable him. My husband and I cannot enjoy the "empty nest syndrome". I worry about not being next door to him if anything happens. He is a DNR and I am medical power of attorney. No one, except those that have been in a caregiver shoes knows what it's like.

Sundays use to be my day to go visit Dad at his senior living facility. I always enjoyed going over there, and Dad was glued to the local 24-hour news station. I usually brought over some snacks for Dad which he enjoyed. We would laugh about things, as we had the same sense of humor.

Since Dad passed last month, this was the first Sunday that seemed so empty. I really didn't even feel like sorting through the bags and boxes that I had brought home from his apartment. Guess I am emotionally drained.

Earlier this year I had bought Dad a new blanket for his bed. The one he and my late Mom had was so old, it was an old electric blanket that Dad had removed the coils. So yesterday I washed out the newer blanket and put it on my bed.... I was so surprised the blanket had fit. Last night it felt like Dad was keeping me warm... and for the first time I woke up feeling pretty good :)

I had the strangest thing happen last night. I was laying in bed thinking about my Mom. I said "Miss you Mom" out loud like I do periodically. Suddenly I had this memory just come out of nowhere. It's Thanksgiving here in Canada today. Last night I had this memory, so clear that I felt like I was right there. I was young, in my teens and we were having a big, happy family Thanksgiving. I felt like I was right there in my mind, in my heart. It was like I got swept back in time. I really am not explaining it well but it was a spiritual moment. That is the only way I can explain it.

This morning I walked into the dining room and I noticed one of the wine bottles that was Dad's had been moved out of order.... hmmm... with my OCD I always line things up evenly. And I noticed the bottle didn't have much wine in it, I never noticed that prior, anyway the bottle didn't have much weight.

So I don't know if my late Dad was checking his collection of wine and sampling it, or if the bottle being so light weight that it was slowly sliding on the top of the cabinet from the vibration of us or the cats walking through. I will need to keep an eye on it.

There is only myself and my sig other in the house, and neither of us are regular wine drinkers, especially that particular bottle of wine. Unless the cats are partying late at night :)

You know those cats...........gotta keep the liquor away from them. :)

Blame Dad!

For years,Iv'e fed the birds outside our kitchen window,decorating the tree with peanutbutter and bread,watching them come in.It has always brought me(and Mother) joy....But after I lost Mom, it has become a lifesaver to me.At first I was just going through the motions,forcing myself because they count on me and now I feel Mother may be there,watching somehow and I feel like Iv'e had a few signs too finding feathers and white butterflies and there's a female cardinal that seems to come all the time and I wonder.....and hope.

Last night I attended a Memorial Celebration of Life at my Mother's Hospice company and it was so beautiful.Everyone brought pictures of their loved one they lost and we all lit candles and their pictures and Love glowed in the candlelight and a minister played a song called ''"His Love is all I Need" and then prayers and rememberences were said.There wasn't a dry eye in the room.Mother's bathaid was there and we even laughed about Mother's silly behavior with bathing and how she had to wear her little black bra and pink panties.It was nice of them to take the time and effort to have this celebration and it felt good to be there honoring my dear Mom.I feel blessed to have had the time I had with her.I was very lucky.

Halloween was so hard without Mother.She Loved all the holidays so much and we always had so much fun through the years.But this was a first without my Holiday Mama and it just took all I had in me to face it and get through it...I made a display with her Lady GaGa gear and put out a few pictures of her dressed up on past Halloween's out and put lights around the display and lit a candle for her on the table in the entry hall hoping her spirit would be with me that night and looking down seeing it all.I really missed her being with me.I am grateful it's over and I got through it.

whew, yes luckylu, one holiday at a time....

Thanksgiving was so hard without Mom and it really made me sad that no one mentioned Mother or even said a prayer for all our blessings.People were yacking and just started eating and I guess the prayer was forgotten but I feel bad that I didn't pull out the prayer in my pocket to say at a certain moment.It said:
Here and now fill the empty places in our hearts and this empty place at our table.
Teach us to savor the moments we have with one another
To rightly remember what we have lost but also to look foreward to what we have been promised in the future.
Thank you for all your blessings,for even through trials and loss you always reveal your goodness.
In Jesus Christ we Pray~
I wish I would have been more assertive and stood up.Now my goal will be Christmas dinner.

That was a beautiful prayer Luckylu, I'm glad you shared it.

This was my first T-giving without my mom, too. (She passed between T-giving and Christmas last year. So T-giving was my last "first" holiday without her -- if that makes any sense.)

And yes, I b*tch b*tch b*tch about Thanksgiving. Be that as it may, it would have been nice to hear some (h*ll, ANY) acknowledgment as I sat amongst the Bad News/"Organ Recital"/Police Blotter in-laws on Thursday. But nooooooo. They never break character. Never!

On that note, let me take this opportunity to give thanks for AC Forum. Seriously. I am so grateful to have an outlet for all my "ugly stuff." You folks are the best.

Hugs and love and good vibes to all. Making a new year's resolution (already!) to be less of a crabapple on this site. This journey is complex. I owe it to all of you -- and myself -- to shine a light more often. :-)

Blackhole, You have been a light, often, for many on here, and I am one who enjoys your posts.

I have been crying .... I guess this is a good thing as I hadnt cried during all these losses this last year..
LuckyLu you should type that prayer on paper and have it out... it is lovely...

Thank you Micalost...I feel SO lost without Mother with me this Christmas.We have always done our Christmas shopping together,even last year ,just days before she died,we were at the mall for 7 hours straight but this is my first Christmas to ever shop alone and it's so hard and lonely.This time a year ago,I could never stop and now it's hard to get started.I miss Mother's excitement about Christmas so much.She always made it magical.