Scenario: When we saw them slowing down last year, we thought mid-80s slow down. But, Dad's spouse (2003) during Covid called saying there was something wrong but couldn't get him to go to the doctor. He (age 88) was delusional thinking people were stealing his money-began closing accounts, driving was not as good, we noticed word search, increased odd gait and began to fall in May 2020. I said don't let him get to the bank and try to make up excuses to drive and I got him to go to neurologist. Previously during Covid, he went into another neighbors house x2 confused. So- we began finding things out later we did not know about.
Immediate diagnosis, keys gone, banks should be.
Once this began, I went to look into his finances to determine accounts he may have moved and see what we had to provide for his care and make VA applications. This is where the other family and spouse unexpected things began. I started being told that she (age 86) can take care of him, 17 years I did it, don't need me in their business, ruining their family, etc. refused to tell me where his accounts were or permission to see joint accounts.
I thought this is where we would be working together but that was not going to happen. I had contacted the 2 sons that were POA and she contacts the most.
My Power of Attorney was the strongest written. I had an attorney check his documents. When I placed it on the one account of my father's exclusive checking account as agent, he removed me and withdrew 6 figures because someone was stealing his money and moved it to another account. He was taken there by his spouse's son and spouse with a note written earlier to sign there and appointment made for him. Even with this investigated-I was not able to fight this and I had medical documentation of his inability to make medical or financial decisions.
At this point, all money that I know of is in joint accounts or he has lost, so I can't pay for a facility to receive care. Dad's spouse believes she can provide care. She gave her keys to him last weekend and he drove 1 1/2 hours. In this state, I can send the doctor's letter but the DDS will only send a warning letter and then retest in 30 days.
There is no way to find him incompetent except taking him to court and going to petition guardianship and conservatorship. However, attorney retainer fees begin at $5000 and up. Some do not take contested cases.
There are 4 sons and 3 of them have borrowed or been gifted money from their mother so this will be contested.
My number one priority for the money is to go for the care of my father-----he knew what would happen with the family. They also kept their money separate and joint was for bills. He was married 9 years before he made me POA. He just didn't anticipate being part of sinking his own ship!
I am open to suggestions. The 2 sons that are her POAs will not meet but text occaisionally. The spouse will not let me take my Dad without her and of course he gets shaken up if she gets upset. I am applying for guardianship and probably represent myself-at this point nothing to lose. He is reaching mid level. He is VA eligible and working through this also.
I have a medical background and professional background with Special Needs and Disabilities. As a behavior specialist, he can be worked with very successfully with acknowledge, distract and socialization strategies. Consistent care and medical management is what is most important and I am going to make sure they both have the opportunity. Dad's spouse also has demonstrated signs of early dementia and her sons have heard this from neighbors after I have directed them from telling me first. But no acceptance there either. I am open to suggestions.
As we have extended life spans, we have increased situations such as the one I am experiencing. My father thought he had his estate taken care of and would have never had this on the table. I am glad I have my background and can't imagine what other families have experience