Scenario: When we saw them slowing down last year, we thought mid-80s slow down. But, Dad's spouse (2003) during Covid called saying there was something wrong but couldn't get him to go to the doctor. He (age 88) was delusional thinking people were stealing his money-began closing accounts, driving was not as good, we noticed word search, increased odd gait and began to fall in May 2020. I said don't let him get to the bank and try to make up excuses to drive and I got him to go to neurologist. Previously during Covid, he went into another neighbors house x2 confused. So- we began finding things out later we did not know about.

Immediate diagnosis, keys gone, banks should be.

Once this began, I went to look into his finances to determine accounts he may have moved and see what we had to provide for his care and make VA applications. This is where the other family and spouse unexpected things began. I started being told that she (age 86) can take care of him, 17 years I did it, don't need me in their business, ruining their family, etc. refused to tell me where his accounts were or permission to see joint accounts.

I thought this is where we would be working together but that was not going to happen. I had contacted the 2 sons that were POA and she contacts the most.

My Power of Attorney was the strongest written. I had an attorney check his documents. When I placed it on the one account of my father's exclusive checking account as agent, he removed me and withdrew 6 figures because someone was stealing his money and moved it to another account. He was taken there by his spouse's son and spouse with a note written earlier to sign there and appointment made for him. Even with this investigated-I was not able to fight this and I had medical documentation of his inability to make medical or financial decisions.

At this point, all money that I know of is in joint accounts or he has lost, so I can't pay for a facility to receive care. Dad's spouse believes she can provide care. She gave her keys to him last weekend and he drove 1 1/2 hours. In this state, I can send the doctor's letter but the DDS will only send a warning letter and then retest in 30 days.

There is no way to find him incompetent except taking him to court and going to petition guardianship and conservatorship. However, attorney retainer fees begin at $5000 and up. Some do not take contested cases.

There are 4 sons and 3 of them have borrowed or been gifted money from their mother so this will be contested.

My number one priority for the money is to go for the care of my father-----he knew what would happen with the family. They also kept their money separate and joint was for bills. He was married 9 years before he made me POA. He just didn't anticipate being part of sinking his own ship!

I am open to suggestions. The 2 sons that are her POAs will not meet but text occaisionally. The spouse will not let me take my Dad without her and of course he gets shaken up if she gets upset. I am applying for guardianship and probably represent myself-at this point nothing to lose. He is reaching mid level. He is VA eligible and working through this also.

I have a medical background and professional background with Special Needs and Disabilities. As a behavior specialist, he can be worked with very successfully with acknowledge, distract and socialization strategies. Consistent care and medical management is what is most important and I am going to make sure they both have the opportunity. Dad's spouse also has demonstrated signs of early dementia and her sons have heard this from neighbors after I have directed them from telling me first. But no acceptance there either. I am open to suggestions.

As we have extended life spans, we have increased situations such as the one I am experiencing. My father thought he had his estate taken care of and would have never had this on the table. I am glad I have my background and can't imagine what other families have experience

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
We have gone to court for Guardianship and Conservatorship and won. We found out other things they did and the week following the court case the other family's children began walking away from their mother. It was like going through a messy divorce to get the power to take care of my dad and find where his money went to provide for his medical expenses. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone -but I couldn't let this go without trying to get my dad the safety and financial resources back for care that he earned. No regrets regardless. Now time to move forward and keep the marriage together and her children from doing any further damage. He is doing as well as can be expected with LBD 2nd year.

If you go to court you need to bring up the missing savings.

A judge can make them provide proof where the money went and how it has been spent and they can place a judgment on them requiring that they give his money back to him.

May God guide you during this difficult situation.

Oh my! My heart goes out to you and your dad. I have to agree w another poster, this situation is so so complex. it will take a lawyer and even then it might not be possible to untangle it all. I would not be surprised if by now that all your dad's personal money is completely gone. I know you love your dad and you want no harm to come to him. Just from what I have read, I would be concerned w your dad's very life. These sons sound rather nefarious. Sometimes, when in complex issues as these, the situation has to get worse before a remedy can be applied.

Current Status -Stepmother (POA for her are 2 of 4 sons)
She has allowed my dad to take all his money from his accounts and retirement to their joints because it is getting "stolen" a primary daily delusion. Now as of this week , she and her sons have taken my father to their attorney where the POA, medical advanced directive and will have been changed. She age 86 is POA as spouse.
As a result---
I am his daughter with POA revoked, the will changed-location unknown. Medical advanced directive, she is primary.
This spouse has the beginnings of dementia and it is only a matter of time where her sons inherit my father's savings. He didn't want this since he saw how it happened in their family between the boys asking for loans and money.
So we tried to prevent this.
Now I want to know what to do since even the police and agencies have said there is nothing and I feel this is a dangerous situation.

They need 7 day care in home or assisted living to memory campus to stay together.
Issue is the boys will have the money and control of care for my dad and we will have no way to work through this ? I am out of answers?

The inhome caregiver has been fired and sons have been around with one wife staying there. Dr.s have contacted Protective services with medication administration concerns. So this is our area of immediate concern!
Of course, guardianship is one area and if we can get him we don't have his savings to pay for a memory care program.

Golly, I am having a hard time ironing this out.
First of all is it that your Father's Spouse's Children have POA for your stepmom
YOU have POA for your father?
You say that you cannot have your father diagnosed as incompetent, but I think with a diagnosis of severe Lewy's that you can, and then work to separate our his assets from his Mom's for his care? But I am uncertain.
Does your StepMom have NO POA for her husband, your Dad? Is she competent and having him illegally sign things with the help of her sons?
That's kind of what I read in all this, but I am most taken with the sentence you say "I thought this was all taken care of but I didn't imagine my Dad being responsible for sinking his own ship" and that sounds to be what has happened.
I can't imagine anything but a lawyer being of any help now, and that alone will take money from your Dad's estate, with a family fight perhaps most of the money. And has been discussed on some threads, sometimes in a fight between current spouse and children versus children of a first marriage, the court throws up their arms in frustration and appoints a Fiduciary through the courts.
I wish you good luck. This is unimaginably snarled. How long has it been going on? Wish you good luck, but cannot imagine myself doing anything but waving and walking away. Are you Medical POA for Dad as well?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter