I am incredibly sad today ... trying to learn how to cope and afraid that this is just the beginning!!

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I sit here and read posts in the discussion threads with a ball of emotion welling up in my throat and tears running down my face. I can relate to sooo much of what I read here. I am new to this site - just found it today and I am sooo very thankful!! My mother lives with us. She is 69 yrs. old. She has been with us for 6 years. I have never had much more than a phone relationship with my mom and then we got along GREAT! I always told her that she would always have a place to live. She lived in Washington at the time - 6 years ago, she called and said she was selling her house and moving to Calif. We welcomed her in although we did not expect her to take us up on it at age 63!!. She is now on Social Security - it pays her health ins., car insurance, cell phone bill etc. She does not contribute to our household at all. After she pays her bills and is out of money, we supplement her for the rest of the month. She has a LOT of health problems and I am sure that is taxing on her but lately she is getting agressive with me - verbally mostly. She looks at me like she hates me and says some pretty hurtful things. Last night I was wrapping Xmas presents and she thought I had an attitude (???) I did not (I was just in another room not paying attention to her), as I tried to explain that I did not have an attitude she went on and on about how "its always about you isnt it" ... "you are always right arent you" .... YIKES!!! where did that even come from??? After I started crying, she told me "you disgust me". I know she suffers from depression - I dont know what all else. I try to talk to my brother and he tells me "Please, just try to keep things peaceful through the holidays" - like it is all my fault. So far this year she has ruined Mothers Day, Halloween, My wedding anniversary and my husbands birthday. These holidays will never be the same as I will always remember the hateful things she has said to me (although I try very hard not to dwell on them). I "love" my mother BECAUSE she IS my mother ... I do not "love" my mother. I hope that makes sense. I am feeling very defeated today!! I dont feel comfortable in my own home and dont even want to be there. My husband works long hours and so it is usually Mom and I alone in the evenings when I get home from work. I never know what I am going to walk in to when I open the door. Happy, Cheerful Mom or hateful mean mom. I walk on eggshells trying to keep her happy. I do everything in my power to keep peace at my home. I have turned everything over to her so she feels comfortable and feels like it is her home - now she has taken over. I have one brother that lives approx 2 hours away and doesnt want to "hear about it" and another brother that lives a mile away but doesnt want to "be in the middle". Neither of them help us financially or offer us any time alone as far as inviting Mom for dinner or anything. She is ALWAYS there. I stuff a lot inside as my husband works hard and doesnt need me crying on his shoulder every night when he gets home from work. I really dont have anyone else to talk to ... as you can tell by my rambling on and on here :-) I just dont want to live like this anymore and dont EVER see it changing .... How do I cope on a day to day basis ...

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Since you are new - you may not know about the Area Agency on Aging - they are folks with lots of answers to our questions. Check them out - there may be options you don't know exist. I hope you get help soon.

Even when we understand WHY they do the hurtful things they do and say the hateful things they say - we may not be able to deal with it well. I couldn't/can't. That's why we had to set 'boundaries' - her space/our space. The only way I could deal with it was NOT to deal with it. Sometimes it has to be that way.

Remember YOU and YOUR health and welbeing are just as important as your mother's and YOU may be the only one who will help you. A favorite saying of mine is 'If it is to be - it is up to me.'
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Dear Wanttolovemymom: After reading your post - it made me look back a year or so when I felt the same way. So down. So hurt. So miserable. I don't want to ever be there again and I hope you can find your way out of this.

First: Put you mother ON THE LIST TODAY for Senior housing. Believe me - two years will go by whether she is on the list or not and at least you would have a light at the end of the tunnel - so do it ASAP.

If she has no assets - look into ALF (assisted living facilities) that do Medicaid. Put her on the list (s) there as well. They will help you fill out the paperwork. It is not impossible. Time will go by whether she is on their list or not and she may as well be on the list. Nothing will happen unless she is.

You mentioned that she sold her home. Did she realize any profit? Where did it go? Start combing the newspapers and internet for an efficiency apt. for her - maybe something will turn up.

You have received some excellent tips here - and if she has a regular physician - DO have her evaluated. I write a letter and give it to the doctor ahead of time - especially if she will not allow you to go to the appointment with her and be in the room with her while she see the doctor.

This forum saved my sanity. I know I am not alone. Make 2014 the year she gets her name on those lists :0)
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Whatever you guys do, DO NOT, donotdonotdonot, give up your jobs, your income and your future security to care for your elderly parents. Put them in a NH before you EVER give up your own security for them. The cost to you if you give up your lives for them can be astronomical and terrifying as hell. If I knew 10+ years ago what I know now I never would have taken my mom with Alz on. The cost to my family was way, way too high.
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To Wanttovemymum and Endofmyrope, I know just what you are going through! My 92 year old father told me 'never come here again' and 'we don't need your help' after he sprang it on my that both my parents had changed their Wills and I no longer get their house, and I didn't rollover and accept it! See my discussion post Horror stories from Hell raged parents! Six months down the line, I am still in shock and still not on speaking terms with them! After a chronic nervous breakdown, in Oct they sent me a birthday card and a cheque, but I was numb by then, so did nothing, and did not respond. I am contemplating writing to tell them to get a doctors health check, as I suspect dementia, but I am so afraid it will give them another opportunity to lash out at me! I fear for them, but they tried to destroy me!!!! Best wishes to you both.
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To all the newcomers,
Look up your local Area Agency on Aging if you haven't already done so. They can answer so many of your questions.

Google it or search for it on this website.

Just remember that the nasty things your mother says don't have anything to do with you. She is old and miserable, and you are the one standing right there, so she dumps all that misery on you. God bless us every one.
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old post dragged up but thats ok.
bipolar is horrific and it largely affects relationships. its hard to keep a stable frame of mind when another household member is up and down like a freaking yo - yo . ive made the claim in the past that my mothers moods would fluctuate so frequently that i was getting carpal tunnel in my wrists from clenching and unclenching my hands to strangle her. so yea, many of us can relate.
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Like yours, my mom ruined many a dinner when she was still living independently and just invited over for dinner. We both knew early on in life we could never live together, she has always been a very difficult person and destroyed most all relationships except for me and my brother. Even my brother who sees her the most said he could not jeopardize his marriage by moving my mother in. Thankfully she purchased long-term care insurance many years ago and never planned to live with us. She is now in an assisted living facility heading soon to skilled nursing. Community social services can recommend options for her care at any income level, and please don't let this ruin you or your marriage. I learned early on my mother would never have taken care of me if I required such care, but we have been able to provide her a very lovely facility to live in and see her often.
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I'm also new here and I'm going thru the exact same thing. My mom lives with me and it's just us…one day she's, ok the next it's all my fault. It's hard to find someone who understand what your going thru but it's good to know that there's a place we can go to and vent for a bit and get our thoughts and feelings out.

Thanks everyone on this site for understanding and for giving words of encouragement
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Yes, you can try to help her with her fear, but some people just don't want to talk about anything. TV and movies give us deathbed scenes that are so meaningful and dramatic, and we can think that's how it's supposed to be. I don't think she will cooperate.

Give her hugs and foot massages and tastes of her favorite foods, and play her favorite music. Remind her of good memories from long ago. When she gets to heaven it will be up to Jesus to try and make her happy! (Sorry if that sounds flippant. I do wonder if our personalities will change in heaven.) Bless you.
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Jinx4740- Thank you for your response :) As far as medication making her happy, thats really the only thing that can calm her or ease her anxiety at this point. She has had substance abuse issues with pain pills and anxiety pills for most of her life right up until this point. And now that she is in hospice, they pretty much give her any kind of medication she wants. I just wish I knew how to make her want to make the most of her time she has left...as of right now all her nurses just tell me to keep giving her pain meds (as much as she wants) and it results in her being confused a lot of the time and there is very little room to discuss any feelings or concerns or pretty much anything :( She has never been one to open up about her feelings, any time I or my sister try to talk to her about her diagnosis she turns it back on us and asks us how we feel about it and then she just rides with whatever we say our thoughts are but we have not been able to reach her on a personal level about how she really feels about all of this. I can not imagine the fear that is in her heart but I can not change a pattern of thinking (keeping everything bottled up) thats been in place for 63 years in a matter of months and as much as it breaks my heart it frustrates me just as much. How can I be there for her if she wont even let me in? Im sorry if this is not making much sense and I am rambling...To answer your question, yes I am trying to figure out how to encourage her the best way I know how, and as far as the chemo, I support her decision to not want to go through with it because we both saw how awful it was for my dad, it made him miserable the whole time he had left with us and it did not even come close to saving him. The chaplain from the hospice agency said that if she believes that God will cure her then I should not try and dissuade her from that, if she is able to draw comfort from it, so I am trying to support that the best way that I can.
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