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So sorry for your loss. I am a nurse and thru the years have seen many take their last breath. Many, many times it is ONLY when the family and loved ones are gone. It seems then they can "let go". So do not beat yourself up because you feel you shouldn't have left. There is a plan for all of us, and we do not run the final show. Bless you and hugs. May you find peace soon.
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Dear Friend,
My first husband of 42 years was hospitalized for five weeks ending in his death in 1990. I was able to stay with him in his room thanks to the great staff who provided me with a cot bed so I could be close to him.
He was very, very sick but he did not complain at all. Each time that he had an enzyme test and the results were better, I would convince myself that he was getting better.
After the five week stay his doctor told me that I could take him home and that he might survive several weeks or die abruptly.
I contacted all my children to come and see him which they did. Then I arranged for home health to visit our home for him and got a hospital bed so he could rest downstairs in our home.
He had not eaten anything solid for the whole five weeks and had been given an IV containing nourishment. That morning they brought his full tray of food as always, though before that day he did not eat anything. This day, it was blueberry pancakes, a favorite of his when he was well. He ate them and said how good they were and I said that I would make some when we got home.
Just then a young woman came to the room and asked me to go with her for some information. My husband said, "Don't be long Ma." I replied that I would be right back and take him home. I can't for the life of me remember what it was the lady asked me. It was in a room close by and just as I sat down, my eldest daughter who was on duty in the O.R., one floor below, had come up and looked in on her father and saw that he was gone.
I rushed back to the room and kept loudly calling his name, thinking I could revive him.
That was 23 years ago and to this day, I have remorse over the fact that I was not there to hold his hand after being at his side constantly for the five previous weeks.
We mortals cannot sometimes figure out why such things play out in such a fashion, though I have to content myself with realizing that I had done all I could for him though not having that last moment to comfort him
Three years after his death, I met a lovely man who had lost his wife around the same time that I was widowed and our friendship led to love and marriage and we are now quite old but also grateful for each other's love and companionship, yet on some days I go back to that last moment at the hospital and feel the regret for missing that last breath and last words of comfort.
It sounds as if I am writing about a marriage of nothing but sunshine and roses over the forty two years we spent together. Believe me, there were a lot of bumps along the way and more than one mountain to climb, but our last twenty years pretty much made up for the first twenty two rocky years.
When I was a young mother of eight children, an elderly neighbor lady said to me, "No matter what kind of a marriage one has had, you miss them when they are gone," she speaking from experience after losing her husband of many, many years.
As present or former care givers, we must give up any regrets for the way we cared for a dear one, if we did so with a loving heart.
I hope this message will give someone out there courage and peace of mind.
God bless one and all.
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Wow, your comments and stories are very touching and comforting. I'm so sorry for everyone who has had someone passed, but I am glad that they all went peacefully in the end, I do miss her everyday and speak with her as if she was here. Sometimes I even repeat myself louder as she was hard of hearing. Yes, it's funny, but it makes me feel better. The more and more I read these stories, the more I now know she wanted to leave by herself. If we were there like some of you said and my dear oldest sister, she would have hang on for us and she didn't need to suffer anymore. Thank you again for your comments, your thoughtfulness, your compassion and understanding. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. This is so much better than paying for therapy. :-)
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My mother has terminal cancer and is in home hospice care now. And, interestingly, she was a pioneering hospice volunteer herself many years ago.
As part of her training in one of the country's first residential hospices, Mama met Elisabeth Kubler Ross. So I trust this information I am sharing, which she shared with me a few years ago.

My mama was with many who made their transition and worked with families like those of us writing here. She told me something that may help you --and anyone who might feel regret or guilt not being present at the time of the passing.

Mama said they were trained to sometimes suggest that the family members leave the dying person alone, sometimes just for a few minutes, "go get a coffee, take a short break."

... to allow our dear one to leave their tired, well-used body. Some of our loved ones seem to not want to leave us alone either-- so they cling to life because we are there. And when we leave them some space, at the right time, they leave their bodies.

So don't feel guilty. Consider that your mother needed to be alone to make this transition. Perhaps your giving her that space let her release. Consider, tell yourself perhaps, that this temporary absence from her body was part of the process she needed.

This morning my Mama cried that she felt "guilty for leaving us." She is 80, and I am her 60 year-old child. I assured her that she has done a wonderful job with her family and friends and that she had no reason to feel any regrets at not finishing this work.

Our loved ones want us to feel LOVE when we think of them...not regrets, not guilt. Let's do that for them...and for our own sweet hearts.
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I am sorry for your loss. I have not yet experienced it with my parents but have with in-laws and a aunt I was very close too. My father-in-law's passing was very slow, we'd been there as much as possible for days and spent the all of the day before with him. Athough he couldn't talk he was trying,late that night he fell asleep and we left. The next morning my mother-in-law called me and said she'd prefer to go over later in the day rather than as early as we'd planned. I said okay and I'd be out in the yard if she needed me. I had just stepped outside when the phone rang again. He'd passed that morning. For a while we felt guilty for not going first thing that morning but the more we thought about it the more I think he wanted to spare my mother-in-law being there. With my aunt, Dad and I had been called that things didn't look good. My brother drove my Dad 2 1/2 hours up to see her. I was closer. She was asleep the whole time we were there. Family came and went. Her son invited us over for a bite to eat and we told her we'd be back before we left town. After eating my Dad,brother and I returned. We told we'd be back soon and loved her. My brother and Dad said she opened her eyes when I bent over to kiss her good-bye. We left and 30 minutes later we got a call she'd passed. Yes, we felt bad that we hadn't stayed a little longer. But in he end I think she did it her way to spare us. She waited for her little brother to come back from eating,to see him one last time and then she passed.
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God bless you and your son. It is so hard to be there at the end. I took care of my dad 24 hours a day and he used to wake me up every night at 230am to get him coffee and a cookie. The night he died, I had taken care of him, had family around, I just went in to lie down for a few minutes even though I knew he didn't have long. Ten minutes after I laid down, my sister came in and said Dad's gone. It was 230am. He would not leave while all of us were around him. But he made sure to wake me up again at 230 to do something he needed. I miss him so. I now take care of my mom who is now pretty much bedridden. You were lucky you and your son could take care of your mom. She didn't want you to see her pass but know she was/is watching over you. She probably had a party to go to just like my dad kept talking about for three weeks. He couldn't wait for the party.
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I'm sending you a tight hug and hope you can feel it. Please know that often a patient will NOT want their dearest ones at their bedside when they pass away. Nurses and other medical staff will verify what I'm saying.
When my sweet mil was dying, the nursing home would call us. Rosie would bounce back for another week or two. This happened again and again. Finally, I asked the nurse, when she called, if the above was true and she confirmed it. I discussed this with my husband and we opted to let her go without us there. The nurse called a half hour later to tell us that she had passed on gently. So you see, you actually did exactly what your mom wanted. God bless you. Hugs and love, Corinne
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I too just lost my dad I cared for for 3 years. He fell and broke his hip and in less than a month he was gone. I was there when he took his last breath, which to me was very bitter sweet. I keep pictures of him around the house so I can remember him like that, instead of his last day in the hospital. The day before he passed he was very alert and talkative. My Dad and I talked about him going on and I believe he was ready. Ten minutes before he passed, my granddaughter, who has Autism, put her hands on his feet and just stood still for several minutes. After she picked my purse up, brought it to me and took my hand to go. He was gone in less than 5 minutes. His passing was very peaceful. Later that evening, I called a old family friend my Dad used to cowboy with to tell him about my Dad only to find out that he passed the same day. I felt so happy, because my Dad had a true friend with him at the gates and he wasn't alone. God does work in mysterious way. I do believe your mom had a plan as she made her way to the gates. Remember her and her love and it will get easier. She knew you and your son were there for her. She was very blessed. Take care of yourself and your son now, for she is now watching over you. Talk to her when you need to,it will make you feel better, it does me. Take care and bless you!:)
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How blessed your mother was to have you there for her through it all. I have seen time and time again with friends, family etc that sometimes loved ones will seem to hang on forever with family crowded around them, and then pass away the instant they are alone. I truly believe that some do it very purposefully. Some prefer to not have family beside them. I drove an hour every Mon. for 5 years to visit my mom, who had a live in caregiver. I would take her places, buy her favorite foods, chat and laugh with her. The week before she died she said she wasn't hungry because her mother had made her a wonderful meal and she ate alongside her parents (mom was 90 and her parents were long gone) and my father (who had died 4 years earlier). She was very calm and peaceful, with a warm glow and smile. As I woke the next Mon. to get ready for my Mon. visit, I got a call from the caregiver that she had passed away during the night, quite peacefully. I truly believe that she knew I would be coming for my visit soon and she didn't want to have me there when she left us. Either she wanted to spare me the pain or she wanted to "share" the moment with her parents and husband. But I do believe it was her own choice, not just coincidence. And being able to make a conscious choice about how your ending in this life will come is a wonderful gift.
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You did great. Thanks so much for sharing this most private moment with us. Our hearts grieve with you for your loss. You were a good and loving daughter and I know that made her happy even when she did not voice it. God bless you and your family and care-givers every where.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story, Hispagirl. I had a similar experience with my beloved aunt, who passed away right before Xmas. Like Kuli wrote about, I was with her every minute of the day, in her room at her bedside when she stirred or moaned a bit, moistening her mouth, stroking her head and face, talking quietly in her ear with comforting words, that I would not leave her alone. Then her son would come for the evenings. The day she died, I was with her as usual all day. Hospice said it could be another day or two, who ever knows. When her son arrived that evening, I kissed my aunt goodbye, as I always did. I whispered in her ear that all would be fine. I was gone for an hour when her son called to say she had stopped breathing. I think it is true what others have said about knowing when to go, and knowing who is best equipped maybe to handle it. Her son is a stoic unemotional person. I was a crying wreck, as I loved her so much, and really didn't want to lose her. Even though I told her everything is fine, and we'll be okay, I was struck to the core with grief. I feel at peace as well, and even though as you say, I miss her every day, and think about her everyday, she would never have regained her life back as she knew it, and as she would've wanted it. The suffering is over, and grief remains, but it gets easier as I come to grips more so everyday with what has to be.....and I'm trying to ready myself for what is coming down the road for me as I continue caretaking for my dear mother. I know I must be strong and be prepared. Your story, and many on this site help immensely. Thank you!
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i imagine dying to be a very personal thing. im sure i wouldnt want people standing around grieving as i was drawing my last breaths.. if the pricks dont come to see me while im living it'd be a farce to have em present at my death..
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Oh my goodness. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words and thank you for sharing your stories. After writing on this forum, I shared this with my older sister and she said this to me: "People believe that the dying want to have someone holding their hands or be in the same room with them, when in fact it's the contrary. They want to be alone so there's no material things or anyone holding them back. They don't want to fight to stay when it's time to go. They don't want to leave feeling guilty, so they specifically chose to die alone." I think after she said this to me and reading some of your stories, she's absolutely right and this gives me peace. Today is a good day, I still miss her very much but it's not a "why did you go, why did you leave me" feeling, it is a I'm so glad that you are no longer suffering and are now at peace. I will always miss her and some days worse than others, but today I'm okay. Perhaps reading your posts also helped, so thank you for giving me peace today. God bless you all!
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I had lived with my dad and taken care of him for 8 years - the last 4 being the most intense. The day my dad died, I was sitting beside him for hours, holding his hand, wetting his mouth with a washcloth, wiping his brow, anything I could to comfort him. When his breathing went from shallow and regular to what is called Cheyne Stokes (some fast breaths followed by no breaths, back and forth) I looked at the hospice nurse after about an hour and said how long can this go on, She said I'm sorry to say sometimes they are like this for 24 hours. I hadn't made any arrangements with the funeral home before this so my sister and daughter stayed with dad while I went into another room and called the funeral home. I had only been out of the room for about 5 minutes when my sister came to me and said, "I think he's gone. He took one breath and that was it." I went to where he was and the hospice nurse confirmed that he was gone. I do believe my dad waited until I left the room. We had become so close and he knew I was having a hard time facing his death. While I wish I had been there for that last moment, I take more comfort in knowing I had been with him for so many other moments, for so many times that he needed someone and noone else had the "time". I miss him terribly but I know he's in a better place and free from pain and all of his other health issues. I look forward to the day I will see him again and just know he will be there to help me pass from this world into the next. Peace and happy memories to all ~ Kuli
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Thank you for your story. In 1992 I was with my beloved grandmother, who had a bowel obstruction and within 72 hours, was gone. She died on Monday night/ early Tuesday am. She and I had had one of the most intimate conversations ever in our lives the previous Friday and she told me "I will always be here. Middle of the night, call me if you need to".
She had been having what she called a 'green apple belly' all that weekend. My 15 year old daughter and I visited her to get one of her vintage necklaces for Prom. She told my daughter ' you don't have to give it back'. (I see this as a premonition in hindsight). My mother has always been jealous of my closeness to my grandmother, and on the Sunday night she went to the hospital for the final time, my grandmother hid her very expensive diamond ring in a place in the house that would takes months to locate, called my dad and asked him to call an ambulance, but for them not to turn the siren on because she didn't want the neighbors to know anything. My mother called both my sisters, who are nurses (I am not a nurse, which my mother later used as the excuse as to why she didn't call me too) and they met my grandmother at the hospital. In the middle of the night they determined the blockage was like a 'heart attack to the bowel' and that tissue had died and surgery was not possible. They put her on morphine and in the morning I was called. It was a surreal thing; my mother said to come to the hospital and that she was dying. I had just talked to her a few days ago and she had told me she would be there for me always.
When I got to the hospital they took me into intensive care, where she was on a breathing tube and heavily sedated. I got very close to her face and told her that I loved her. Her words were "pots and pans. Take anything that you want". She knew. My mother stepped in (this was her mother in law, not her own mother) and told her to 'hang in there'. I felt very irritated that they knew she was dying and would say that to her. I also had figured out by then that I was the only sister not contacted to come the night before.
All day she was comatose. I sat by her bed constantly. My dad, her only child, 'couldn't handle being there' (nor could, I guess my mother) so they were gone most of the day. My two sisters and I stayed with her. At about 1:15 am I had to go home because I had young kids at home and my brother in law was waiting there for me while I was with her. As I left I told her "Go bed with God now. I will be fine. I love you". I kissed her and went home. We had no cell phones then. It took me 15 minutes to get home. As I walked in the door my sister was calling and told me that right after I left her breathing was definitely worse and she passed. I KNOW she 'was there for me' as long as she could be. She left when I left the room.
I have always wished I could have been with her when she left this life. But I know now that she stayed there for ME.
Rest assured that mothers are mothers until the end. She was looking out for you, as was God. She is in His arms now. Have peace. You shared a heartwarming story.
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I'm so sorry you lost your dear mother. Please don't be upset about not being there at the last moment. The time you cared for her is what matters. She knew you loved her and what better to way to leave this earth than to know your child loved you.
My dad taught me how to live life. I was by his side and telling him to let go, that'd we would all be ok. He peacefully left and took my heart along with him. I miss him so much, even after all these years. His last lesson for me was to teach me not to be afraid of dying. And he left knowing his child loved him beyond measure.
Peace be with you. May you be comforted by your mom's memories. She'll always and forever be with you in your heart.
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Hispagirl --Sometimes loved ones wait to die until you leave the room. I don't know why -- possibly they just can't bear to part, even though they must. It is possible that by leaving her for a minute you gave her the opportunity to pass away gracefully, which is a great and very loving last gift. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
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Please don't feel any guilt over not holding your mom's hand as she went. The years of your lives together are what have meaning, not the moment she left. I've heard from a hospice nurse that many people wait for a time when family members have left the room, even patients who had been seemingly unaware of who's there have waiting to be alone or with just staff. They've seen it over and over.
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Wow. God Bless You for being there for your mother. My dad kept saying "Let's go! Damn it!" all night the two nights before he died. We kept asking him where he wanted to go and he would not tell us. He was talking to Jesus or God or both. He started doing that on Saturday night and he died on Monday. The funny thing is about ten minutes before he died he wanted to go from the chair to the bed to lie down. He wanted to get up and with the Hospice nurse on one side and my sister in law on the other they helped him get to the bed. While up he said, "Are you girls sure you can handle me?" those happened to be his last words. My dad was a funny guy and for those to be his last words it is just like him. Most men would love to say that. Remeber all the good things. My mom was actually sitting next to him when he died. She said he was not in pain and she felt he knew. Caregivers are a blessing and we all have to know that we will need it someday. The best thing you can do for your future caregiver is to plan plan plan. Do the best you can everyday and never regret a thing. Love others and you will be blessed.
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I'm sorry for your oss, I just went threw the same thing with my mom 2 weeks ago. I was with her to her last breath. They sometimes do not want you to see them leave I was told by Hospice. I can tell you this, my mom had troble breathing at teh end with the rattle. they had put her on morphine every 1 to2 hours as needed. The meds helped her wiht her breathing but mom decided she was going to go so fast. Sunday afternoon she had seen her granddaughter her at home and her greatgranddaughter. that night my husband and I slept downstairs on the couch because her room is right off the living room. At around 6 a.m I heard her and gave her meds, at 6:30 she was loosing fluids, and I kept cleaning her mouth out, we called the hospice nurse and she was her at 6:45. We gave her another dose of meds and she was peaceful. Breathing easier. I stayed right beside her and held her hand and kept telling her how beautiful the other side is because I have been there. She kept getting calmer and the nurse called another nurse about the patch but they figured mom had only another 1/2 to 1 hour. At 9:37 she took her last breath with me talking to her and holding her hand. It is like a birth only backwards. She had the most peaceful look on her face when she left us. So you did your job , you had said good bye, you had taken care of her, and you had gotten your son . That is what she wanted. She was greatful for what you had done for her and loved you so much and knew what it was going to take out of you to see her go. She didn't want to say goodby again, just "So long for now, I'll see you agin: She brought you into the world and you made sure she was not alone when she went out, cause she was waiting for her grandson to tell you.
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I provide end of life "comfort" care to clients, and I have seen this dynamic where a client passes once family leaves the room. I believe they are already spiritually in transition -- most of my clients see and speak to loved ones who have already passed. I believe that for some people in the final stages of their life, they have a hard time letting go if their children or spouse or other loved ones are in the room. Please don't feel badly -- your mom did not die alone -- she had spiritual support from her loved ones who have already passed, and she knows you love her. She would NOT want you feeling guilty or having any regrets about the final moment. She would want you to remember how she lived, not how she passed. God bless you and your son. Be at peace, talk to your mom -- she will be with you always.
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Please don't berate yourselves over not being there "at the moment" of your loved one's passing away. If you were there 5 minutes before and had to step out to take care of your own needs, or were on your way, please look at it this way -- you were there with your heart and your mind. God has his own time for everything; your loved one knows that. You all sound like very caring persons.
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Thank you so much for sharing this story. I have been a caregiver to my mom for the last eight years and I have been havin a difficult time lately because she is getting worse. This just made me realize to appreciate every moment we have with our loved ones..and it put everything in perspective for me! Im sorry for your loss..and god bless you!
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Thank you all for sharing your stories of the passing of your loved ones. I am in a bereavement group at my church and the first step for us was to write of the passing. I think this is one of the most helpful questions that has been posted here.

While I struggled through the years of caring for my Mom, and many of the questions were very helpful to me, as well as the opportunity to post questions, this one is very important to all of us... so they say.

I just want to thank everyone for sharing your stories, because we caregivers go on after the most important role in our lives passes on.

I was also out of the room at the time my dear Mom passed away, but I had been with her for days before. When I look back at that time and the years before that, there are many, many good memories. My bereavement counselor tells me to write letters to my Mom when ever I am confused as to what to do next, or to just write to her like a journal every night before going to sleep. That has been very helpful to me, because when I can't think... I write to Mom and somehow her words of guidance come back to me and she tells me to get moving.

So, that's what I'm going to do right now. I can just hear her tell me to get moving and live life fully, with a sense of adventure and no fear. During her last years I asked her for her greatest advice and she told me, never to worry. She said after she worried, she found that everything turns out OK and not to waste any time worrying. So, I'm off to live a good life and I wish the same for all of you dear folks who come to this site. I hope you try not to worry and enjoy the rest of your good lives. I know it's a struggle and many questions come to mind, but for me... I'm going to take the first step and get moving to try to live in today and in the future.

Sending you much love and gratitude for being here for me, just exactly when I need to hear from you.
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You have my deepest, deepest sympathy. I lost my mom Jan 1st. and like you, I was there round the clock, but I read the hopsice books too. There is a point they make. In their final moment, they can choose if they want you to see them take their last breath or not. Many moms who know their daughters will wait until they are not in the room. My mom did the same thing. Knowing this, I would always tell her when I was leaving (going to get some sleep, going to go to eat, etc.) She had a hospice nurse by her side 24 hrs. Her rattling and congestion stopped the whole day before she died, after a week of having it. Please, please don't feel guilty. Your mom loved you so much, she waited until you were out of the room. Some mom's want us there, some don't. Our mothers wanted to spare us. My mom's COPD was similiar. Mom always had an irregular heartbeat. There were many times while holding her hand, and having my head next to her as I sat at her bedside, her breathing would stop for a second or so, I would think that was it, then it would resume. The same thing was happening when my daughter was sitting with her. You and your son, sound like me and my daughter, very very close to mom. I share your grief, as mine as been a little over 3 weeks. Time is helping, the tears aren't as often but there are still there. Now I'm concentrating on all the good times we had, and how thankful I was to have my mom with me for my 56 yrs of life. My daughter wants me to take care of myself so I can give her at least 56 yrs to enjoy me. Please take care, and keep coming to this site. It has been such a comfort to me, not only getting wonderful advice, and comfort, but also being able to share my own experience. I've found how common my feelings are. All of us here have something in common. To all of us who's parents let go while we were not with them, please rest assured they knew our personalities the best. They knew what was going to be best for us. That's how unselfish a mother or father's love is. Hugs to all.
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God bless you and your family. I have heard (more than a few times) from others that their loved ones had passed immediately after they had left the room. They had been sitting by thier side for hours/days and as soon as they walked out of the room, they passed. I don't know, but maybe they don't want to die in front of them.
In my heart, I know she wouldn't want you to feel guilty. If you were in her place and your child had cared for you as you had her, would you want your child to feel guilty? Love yourself, you are worthy.
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thanks for sharing this... what a powerful story.... I was not with my dad when he passed and we knew it was coming soon...but my sister had just come in town with her 2 adult children...I took my mom home from the hospital as she needed some one to care for her... she and I said our goodbyes about midnight and i opted to let my sister and her kids stay the night with him...I had been his caregiver for 4 years and we had had wonderful and not so wonderful times together. I knew my sister needed the time so I took care of our mother. My nephew called me the next morning about 7...my dad was passing and I stayed on the phone while listening to them pray over him.... I felt as close as I possibly could be but still - a few times- I looked back and wished I had stayed with him....
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What lovely (although very sad) heartwarming stories. I also feel guilty that I wasn't there when my lovely dad died. He was taken to hospital with pneumonia and the hospital phoned my daughter who lives near the hospital to get there quickly as he'd had a respitory arrest - My daughter phoned me to get there as quickly as possible but as I live 50 miles away it took me some time to get there. As I pulled into the hospital car park my daughter was waiting at the hospital entrance and told me dad had died 10 minutes ago. It was 3.00am in the morning. She said she told him just before he died that I was on my way. I always wonder if he 'let himself go' before I could see him as he knew how sensitive I am. I do miss him. God bless you all.
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Thanks for sharing your story. It's a great reminder that each moment is so very precious. My deepest sympathy to you and your son on your loss.
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It is our loss; for our loved one it is often a release. I almost slept through my mom's passing--from exhaustion of being by her side and caring for her through the night. The helper (a wonderful woman) arrived early and sent me to bed but just as quickly called me back so I could be with my mom. We do need others to assist us in all the duties of caring. Bless the helpers.
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