I'm caring for a lady with dementia, who is incontinent, refuses to wear pads or depends. Help!

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Hmmm. If she has dementia, can't you just tell her you have some lovely new undies for her and put them on her? Maybe pull them up at the same time as her outer wear so she doesn't see or feel the difference? My Mother is still pretty with it and would have a mini-fit if she KNEW I was putting depends on her at night, but I don't tell her, and she has no idea!
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