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When arrests are made in my son's murder I may be called upon to raise his ( now ) 3 yr old son. I was tricked into court much earlier and put on stand to yay or nay my intentions regarding nick. I told the court " a little later on " which they know meant justice first. My statement was even quoted when Nick's mother petitioned the Indiana appeals court regarding Nick being given mine and Jake's surname .
I'm not a saint but I know his future guardianship will boil down to who is most capable of instilling in him the values that Jake held dear. Sometimes it feels like wild savages stole someone from my camp and its only fitting that the offspring be returned to me.
Raising a kid at my age ( 61 ) is an extremely tall order . I'm not that confident in my ability to do such but if our judge deems my home the best he can find for Nick I will do exactly as he orders and with the utmost dedication and sincerity. The judge is a wise man and in fact a specialist in juvenile and family affairs. Nicks father helped to build this home. There's no one more deserving of taking refuge here and one day owning it.
The alternative is my ex who has already sorely failed a drug screen and lives in a faux ' biker ' commune. It's a cesspool in a county of staunch conservatives .

thanks alva,
you are right imo .
my sister lost a son to fentanyl a few months ago . i wrote and told her ' im sorry to hear about your son , there aint no dam words to make it better ' .

im told that some degree of relief can be expected when the people are brought to justice . i know they will be but the moments of doubt are just bad times .
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Oh, Captain. I cannot imagine.I am so sorry.There is honestly nothing I can say; just that I'm so sorry.
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thanks g ma 1954,
everything has been shaken . everything is in doubt . thats why im prepared to honor any decision our judge makes when the day of arrests comes . he sees thru wiser eyes and he can also see right thru the people who are proclaiming to be something they arent .

the judge sent word thru our detective that he'd like to get to know me better . im ex parte in this matter and he cant communicate directly with me at present . ive no doubt my home is being considered for nick . its both flattering and frightening .
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Captain....I am going to start this by saying..I have been on this site for a while, have not read past posts of yours and you seemed to have "dropped off the radar" when I joined so I am just getting to know you so my comments may be knowing only partial circumstances so I will continue..but please forgive me if I am not fully up to speed. on to the post I started with

Captain...Life sometimes SUCKS most of the time it is pretty good. (If it weren't 99.% of us would not be able to get out of bed in the morning)
You can not bubble wrap people.
We make choices every day, some choices are good, some bad some inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Thankfully most of the time nothing really bad happens. But once in a while God (or if you prefer god or fate) throws the dice and and the proverbial 5hit hits the fan.
You may not feel like you were an effective parent but what of the parents whose "child" took yours from you? Were they effective? More effective or less than you? Or was it their "child" that made a bad choice?
I have said to people about caring for their loved one, and I did this when caring for my Husband..When you go to bed at night, put your head on the pillow..if you can HONESTLY say that you did the best job you could that day then you can sleep well. I think this goes for all of life. You do the best you can given what you have and you pass on the best of yourself whenever you come in contact with anyone.
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thank you grandma1954,
i guess when one of your kids slips thru your fingers and lets someone get the drop on him , you dont feel like a very effective parent . i couldnt have changed the events that went down the morning of jakes death but the ' what if's ' are just part of the grieving terror .
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There are plenty of men who become fathers in their 50's and 60's.
My Husbands best friend married and had kids when he was in his 50's and now as an energetic 78 year old he has 1 that is a freshman..in high school and twins in middle school. (sad part about it is he was always giving my Husband suggestions on how to raise his 2 and my Husband was so looking forward to kidding him about the "proper" way and he was never able to do that)
If you did a good...great job with the first why would you think you could not do it again?
If you don't think your ex could care for him, if there is no other grandparent that is able to care for your grandson I can not believe that anyone would think Foster placement is a better option than you.
As to confidence...were you confident you could raise your son when you first brought him home from the hospital? I think every parent, grandparent that has the responsibility of raising another human should doubt their ability. That is what makes us better, you try to do better. If you honestly believe someone else could do better than you then push for them to become guardian. But if you truly, deep down in your heart think you can be the best you can be for this child then you owe it to him, you owe it to your son and you owe it to yourself to be appointed guardian.
Long tough road but aren't some of the best trips taken on some beautiful side road that was not on the map to begin with?
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in answer to your question countrymouse ,
indiana is a brilliant and forward thinking state . there are services available that are unheard of in other places . ive seen the state insulate elders homes , replace their furnaces , supplement their utilities , in some cases bring them firewood . i can retire on SS in 12 months if i choose to and i could live twice over on the monthly allotment .

i didnt become a senior citizen with debt .
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if im not the best choice , that wont upset me . im only making myself available for consideration .
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Countrymouse,
im quite read on the subject . many g parents who have raised grandkids say in hindsight they probably wouldnt do it again . i dont expect a walk in the park . i dont expect it to be particularily rewarding . if i did it with the attitude of ' whats in it for me ' that would be selfish and imo not in nicks best interest .

i want what the judge deems best for nick . he has access to the whole picture .
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True enough.
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every day i work and live knowing that theres going to be without warning a phone call instructing me to report to child services ASAP . kids are not fostered when there is ' acceptable ' family waiting in the wings . there is no being fully prepared for an inevitability with such life changing ramifications .
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Well, Captain, if it doesn't kill you it'll keep you young.

It isn't that I doubt you'd make an outstanding guardian, not even that it could be the making of Nick after his harsh start in life; it's the rest of the aggravation which is bound to come with him that is making me grimace.

And what will you get from these wise powers-that-be in the way of support?
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