Last year in December my husband and I moved my parents to live with us. We had prayed for years as we had seen them declining and falling apart both in health and ability to care for one another that we would be able to serve them this way. I must confess how naive we were. We love them dearly but the last year consisted of 5 hospitalizations, 2 stints in rehab and too numerous to count doctors visits (with tests as all the Dr's were new and wanted to do their own testing) and that was just my father....we also have my mom with us who has parkinsons along with other illnesses. Dad was WC bound for the most part but he always believed he was fine and could walk again soon. 10 months of mult days a week PT did not change anything and he still declined.My husband and I quickly saw signs of dementia in both of them. Dad was tested and early stage Alz confirmed. Mom will be tested soon.Both gave up drivers licenses when they came.
In Aug dad was diagnosed with biliary duct cancer and b/c of comorbities was not a candidate for any treatment. I was encouraged to bring in hospice early for the support and he did have a VA provided care giver 3 hrs in the morning. He passed away on Christmas day this year at home with the family around him.
We now are in a new season of walking my mom through grieving the loss of her husband of 60 years with no real support system near by except my husband and I.
I was an ICU nurse for over 20 years and can honestly say this was the hardest year of my life. So much we didn't know going in. I would not have necessarily changed them living with us but maybe we would have moved to where they were? It's so much harder for them to create new support networks than for us.
I definitely should have picked a gerontologist instead of trying to mimic what they had in TX. By the time my dad passed he had 12 doctors! I never thought through how different our dietary preferences would be and become such an issue or prepare for setting boundaries. Obviously had not spent enough time with them to know where they were each were truly at.
I never considered how difficult creating a social and support system would be for them (or the effects on my own as most of my time was at home) I had planned on returning to work in January after they came in December. NAIVE!! I actually returned to work part time in May.
My husband and I consistently have to work to stay on the same team and make time for one another. This challenges us as we do not have children and had nothing but time together prior. These are not complaints but observations. We are grateful that the Lord does not give more than we can handle and his grace is new every day.
I would encourage everyone consider spending as much time as you can 24/7 with them. Know who they are. Set realistic boundaries and discuss ahead of time. Definitely use a gerontologist to help you know what care is really necessary for the stage of life.
Consider in advance if your marriage can withstand the pressures.
That is all for now..thank you for listening.
This forum has been a lifeline last year as I realized we were not alone.
Thank you all so much!!
:)