Having a rough month here. My mom is still being strong-willed and obstinate and argues over everything. I realize her ego may not like aging and feeling unable to do what she used to. But she then chooses to do nothing. She won't get out of her recliner. She cancels appointments. If she has any trash (she has a small master suite attached to our house) she just throws it out the back door. The doctor (she did attend the appointment, after cancelling 3 times) said she had kidney disease and referred her out....she argues with me how he's wrong. That the lab work is wrong. Everything is wrong.
Meanwhile, I'm so exhausted from her constant neediness. She wants me to visit with her but only if I agree with her on every topic she says. Oh, and the world is ending....so always a doomsday leaning to her conversation. She criticizes how I raise my kids, won't pay her share of expenses (she only has to cover outright maintenance portions, 1/3) so when the dryer died she didn't think it was her problem. Well, I was counting on 1/3 of her help with that. Other routine maintenance she says is unnecessary. She's holding what money she has very tight.
Then there's the nonsense complaints: I don't help her exercise. But she gets up at 2pm and it's over 100. She won't do her PT routine. She won't swim in the pool. She won't even walk in it. Everything is a complaint. And when I do corner her on doing something, she's either tired, cold, achy, or not wanting to get dressed to go outside.
She's 85 and she's had some stuff happen to her in life that makes her unhappy. But she's also caused a lot of s*** for me that I've accepted as the past. She doesn't realize happiness takes effort. Which makes no sense as I'm venting here: is this my effort to be happy?
I'm just so tired and drained and can't smile.
Oh sorry, I went somewhere over the rainbow....
Robertsnursery, did you get that Momma?
Me neither.... Sigh. Hope I made you laugh (even if a little bit!)
Your house is YOUR home. It is not a nursing home. Or an adult day care. Or a senior center.
You do not have to allow your mother's behavior and disrespect of you and your home to continue.
"There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions".
No truer words have ever been spoken.
Many times our elderly "loved ones" need to experience a little tough love from their families and caregivers. Either demand your mother gets her act together or evict her from your residence.
I agree with Lealonnie. As long as you cling to the thought that nothing can change for your life, then nothing will change. You cannot change your Mom. At her age her actions are pretty certainly set in stone. But you can change your OWN life if you choose to. That is up to you. It will be hard work. It is sometimes easier to stay where we are in life, even if that place is painful, because the thought of moving on and moving out is very scary. Consider getting professional help to make your decisions going forward. I am so sorry for all your feelings, and can hear how overwhelmed you are.
You DO have options. But it won't be an easy fix.
I have a mother who loves complaining and drama SO much that it's totally drained me and given me compassion fatigue, to be honest. I have to take her in small doses to save my own peace of mind, otherwise I'm up half the night dwelling on her issues. I find myself rushing around trying to fix her issues and then realize, she's playing me like a fiddle to get sympathy. It's all she knows, it's who she is, but it's not something I have to internalize MYSELF.
Present mother with a bill for her fair share of the agreed upon expenses every month and then ask for a check. If she refuses, give her notice that she'll be expected to move within 60 days (or whatever). If nothing else, it'll be a wake up call that you're done playing games and mean business. As far as the complaining goes, limit your exposure to the toxins to 15 minutes (or whatever) at a sitting.
Good luck!