Just need to vent :/ it’s a long one...

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I am frustrated with the entire situation going on in my life right now. I feel that it is a culmination of everything that has factored into the last 3-4 years.


I love my husband dearly, I am just so hurt by feeling that he doesn’t make me a priority. I do all the caregiving everything rests on my shoulders and we do not have the living accommodations to make my job any easier (accessible housing, lift, roll in shower).


I get so angry because I feel I have sacrificed beyond measure in our relationship and I do not feel I am the first priority as his wife. I have made him first priority as my husband.


If anyone has read my prior posts I did leave to go visit my mom who has cancer. I left him in the care of his daughter during the day and her mother overnight. My husband is full care and thought he could stay in a hotel alone which couldn’t happen and he required too much care to qualify for assisted living. At any rate my mom was on the operating table and I had to drive cross country so I left. I was thankful for the caregiving break from my husband and helping my mom in her recovery was a breeze.


My husband wasn’t cared for well in my absence and I returned to him having a horrible yeast infection, feet that hadn’t been thoroughly washed and yeast growing there too along with what appeared to be impetigo in his face. I’m really angry. The daughter is exploitive as all get out and I knew it wouldn’t take long before she started asking for things.


This particular child who is a grown woman (thirties) won’t help even sit with dad, only calls when she needs money, rarely visits(twice in 2 1/2 years) and lives 5 minutes away. I am so frustrated. My husband also has a developmentally disabled daughter that we (I) help with. It’s hurtful we are good enough to watch the DD daughter, keep her for overnights, take her to Special Olympics activities, take her to the Dr meet her needs, pay some of moms bills etc but be excluded from birthday celebrations etc.


In my absence the mom and daughter got paid for “watching my husband “ which I don’t so much mind for the mom because it’s not her responsibility but as much as we pay out for the non disabled daughter she’s got nerve to take money for sitting with dad a few hours and leaving. We were excluded from her child’s birthday party this year too.


I was so grateful to see my family during my trip to care for mom some of which I hadn’t seen in 4 years. I feel like I do ALL the sacrificing and my husband does very little. We’ve needed handicapped accessible housing for 3 years and now it’s become a priority to him; never mind the mental and physical toll it’s taken on my body all this time. All this time we’ve been paying over 700.00 a month for student loans on an unfinished education plus car payments and all sorts of other things the exploitive child has wrangled daddy into paying for. I’m hurt, I’m resentful not because I have to care for him but because he doesn’t put me and my needs first. I’ve missed out on so much with my kids and family because I’m a devoted wife. I never take from my husband or use him like the daughter does. I love him, advocate for him and make sure he has what he needs.


My heart hurts, I feel betrayed and instead of being copilots in this journey and in the front cabin together I feel like I’m in the rear lavatory:( I love my husband and I believe he loves me but I’m at my limit. I want my husband and I to spend a few months where my parents live so that I can see them as well as some of my kids and grandchild but hubby says “absolutely not”. Mom has cancer and who knows if the treatments will be successful, I want that time with my mom just in case.


I’m tired of sacrificing. I feel it’s his turn. And I’m tired of being misused by the daughter and their mother. We’re not an ATM, taxi service or drop in care provider. If they can’t show us respect I feel I no longer need to do anything because we are just being used and we translates to me because it’s me that has to do everything. I know it was a long rant but thanks for listening.

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Rant away! Venting can release some frustration. And it is easy to see why you'd have frustration!
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Have you considered home health care for your husband? If for no other reason that to not get daughter/her mom involved in hubby’s caregiving and thereby, not being beholden to them for anything. I would no longer involve (especially) the Mom in husband’s care.

As for the infections, I face the same with my husband. He is bedridden and our home is not accessible. An actual shower is impossible. You cannot give a 100% bath in bed when the person is pretty much immobile. My hubby has urine blisters and broken skin all over, but I can’t control it. He’s also housebound so I can’t get him to a doctor. If you aren’t formally trained to give bed baths, you just do the best you can. I’m not excusing them for what happened, but if you aren’t experienced in how to do this and/or do it every day, it’s not easy.  For your husband’s modesty’s sake, it may have been done quickly and not carefully. 

Personal question, but whose money runs the household? Do you make a financial contribution? Is it all his disability payment? If the accounts are in both your names, I would think you have a say over where the money goes. Loans and co-signs should go through you, too, not just him. And, if these “loans” are the norm, I’d be keeping any of my own money separate. Wish I’d done that.

Bottom line is, if you let yourself be treated like this, they will all be more than happy to. There’s strength in numbers and you, unfortunately, are alone. I know that someone has to do the day to day care of your husband. And, that’s you. I’m in the same situation. Would therapy help your husband be more self-sufficient? That’s one of the few things Insurance pays for. Get a scrip from his doctor.

Good luck to you. Effect a change. Only you can do this, and I know you can!
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FF and Garden Artist I apologize I have been unable to find the edit tool for my post. Perhaps it’s because I’m using a cell phone? I will definitely modify any future posts to include paragraphs. Not sure how to contact admin to help with the current post. Thank you both for your feedback on a very important point
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EmmaSue - your situation sounds familiar. Insist on respite several times per week - look at your local area agency on aging. My dad refused any and all changes to the house or respite for my stepmom - until she finally put her foot down. Either they make changes and get respite - or he goes to the nursing home and she checks into the hospital (health issues were not being addressed as a 24/7 caregiver). It doesn't sound like DH is going to make any changes unless you force the issue. Make changes that you need - don't ask.
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Just hugs, EmmaSue.

I haven't been able to think of anything that doesn't involve either resorting to vulgarity or turning into Margaret Thatcher. And you're either born with the ability to overlook the world's opinions and tenderest feelings or you're not, really.

Rant away. I especially feel for you on the "suddenly important to him when you've needed something for years" point. Ouch. Hugs again.
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Emma. I support FF's request. I know that sometimes I've posted and the paragraph separations have been removed, and then even I don't want to reread it b/c w/o white space it's just too hard to read.

I've been unable to edit, so I've contacted the Admins and asked them to restore the spaces between the paragraphs.

I have old eyes; I used to enjoy reading James Joyce's stream of consciousness style writing, but now it's too hard on my eyes.

I think the Admins would be glad to help you so we can then offer some support.
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Emma, since you still have time before the edit clock runs out, could you go in and "edit" your post by breaking it into paragraphs. One long posting can be difficult to read and some of us tend lose our place :(

Would really appreciate it if you could. The "edit" thing is in the upper right hand corner of your post.
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